Title: "Apostasy: The Book of Ithaca" Apostasy: The Book of Ithaca
Chapter:1
Author:J. M. Kraynak
Plot: Good building plot. Interesting and moved along
Style and Voice: No idea what that means
Referencing: I did not see any specific reference issue although I did find several areas where the behavior of the characters was out of step with the overall description each received of their personalities.
Setting: Definitely too many adjectives. One or two adjectives is enough. When there are three or more, it detracts from the rhythm of the reading
Characters: The character development was confusing at times. The behaviors toward one another did not match at times the overall character that was described previously. There were several times that a character behaved in a way that I thought was inconsistent with the description of the relational characters. For example the main character went down on one knee and averted his eyes in one scene when the Father came into the room. yet a few moments later stood with his back toward the Father. This does not make sense. The two actions do not complement one another and would not have occurred. It was disturbing to the suspension of disbelief.
Grammar: Several words and sentences were confusing or incorrect. It is almost as if the writer is a non-native English speaker.
Just my Opinion: First - let me say that I am NOT a professional writer. Barely an amateur one. In addition, this type of story is not one that I would normally read. It seemed to have elements of Fantasy and I don't read Fantasy. So I am probably the worst to review. But, overall I liked the plot - I did not like the character's relationships. I think there was too much time spent on the foretelling of the future relationship between the Lady and the main character ( I cannot remember their names). I almost began to think it was a romance rather than an action / fantasy. bleh. But there were definitely positives to the writing. There were certain places that had great rhythm and descriptors. I think it has good potential.
Line By Line:
There was little he could do to pretend he was still awake as he sat in the old dilapidated oak chair. He stretched his legs and crossed his arms as the effort and strain increased to blink through the haze of drowsiness.
The suggestion of pretending to be awake is very confusing. I am not even sure that is possible. For one to pretend one is awake would imply that in actuality they are asleep thereby rendering the conscious task “to pretend” impossible. I believe a much less confusing word rather than “asleep” would be “alert”. This would make the sentence plausible and a lot less confusing as the character is obviously awake given the next sentence thereby rendering the need to pretend moot. See how in its current form this is very confusing sentence? Another suggestion would be to reduce the descriptors of the chair to 1 or 2. Three is too many, especially when two of them almost mean the same thing.
As his mind wandered, he struggled to keep his eyelids open as they felt like they were made of lead.
The rhythm of this sentence is missing. I would suggest changing it to the following:
As his mind wandered, he struggled to keep his eyelids open. They felt sluggish and heavy as though forged of lead.
The faint light from the half-melted candle flickered atop the tarnished brass sconce and offered little visibility in the oppression that the dark had forced upon him.
This is a fairly long sentence. Again, it is a rhythm thing for me. I struggle with this in my own writing where I get too in to the thought to stop and break up the sentence. I would suggest this be broken up such as:
The faint light from the half-melted candle flickered atop the tarnished brass sconce. It offered little visibility in the oppression that the dark had forced upon him.
Despite his disdain for his current duties, he was thankful to no longer be an Expurgator, for the atrocities he had witnessed, and the heretics he had tried had nearly led him to question his own faith. For now, he would at least be away from the evils of the world, and the bloodstained regime, Aegis. Though retrieving documents and hunting down relics was hardly a true test of soldiery, or faith, there were always evils lurking in the places where light did not reach. And for that, he knew he could afford no luxury of disobedience.
Although in terms of the greater Ecclesiarchy, Lady Elaine, the Vicar Forane was quite harmless, and the members of the darker cults had always desired her capture. Though she was little more than a librarian and administrator for the Ecclesian diocese, her knowledge of the inner workings of the Divinity as well as its secrets was priceless. For she was the personal historian of the Arbiter himself. Such a position had granted her a vast knowledge of the most protected secrets of the Divinity. Though the Divinity itself was largely the purveyor of the word of Azul, similar to any other hierarchy, it had its dark secrets, and corruption.
I had to literally read these two paragraphs several times before I could begin to understand what was being talked about. The problem for me here was not the writing per se but rather the sheer amount of unknown terms being used in such a small space. There are at least 8 new terms for the reader to ingest in those 2 short passages:
Expurgator
Aegis
Ecclesiarchy
Vicar Forane
Ecclesian
the Divinity
Arbiter
Azul
That is a lot to ingest; as to the reader most of those will be unknown elements to the story. Perhaps try to reduce the amount of new terms or the rapid disbursement of same?
They had endlessly searched for tomes, scrolls, and parchments, faded with age from the utter neglect of time.
This sentence is confusing. Stating that time neglected something would imply that it is timeless. Yet in the sentence it also implies those items have degraded over time. If you want to use the word neglect I would suggest it to be:
They had endlessly searched for tomes, scrolls, and parchments, faded with age from utter neglect over the centuries.
"Lady Elaine," he said, "Forgive my imprudence, but I have a suggestion."
I don’t think imprudence is the correct word here for the relationship between the Lady and the main character. I would suggest that impertinence or impudence would be more appropriate.
Valimaar's head sunk as he rubbed the encroaching fatigue from his eyes, it was a losing battle. To his dismay, he knew that there would be little time for rest. Though despite his pure and utter contempt he had held for the nightmares that sleep had always delivered to him, he couldn't continue on without rest. In the morning they would be making their return to the Cardinal City, and tonight he knew that the terrors within his mind would grant him no peace at all.
This was a well written paragraph imo. |
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| (3.5)
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