The following review is only my opinion and no offense is ever intended. We all have our own style of writing and any one isn't necessarily better or worse than another. I strive to be honest and fair in my evaluations. You're not going to hurt my feelings if you tell me to go pound sand. The important thing is to keep writing.
 Overall Impression
Was it easy to read?
On the whole I found your story relatively easy to read. I did have to back track from time to time for reasons that I'll cover later.
Did any part seem confusing?
Your third paragraph begins, "Regardless, the tide continued to roll in." Regardless of what? It isn't clear what the tide is struggling against.
The tower roses seem to feed on the darkling's blood, and is evidently a conscious, living thing. It knows must it must do, but the reader doesn't. What is their significance? Bryce doesn't seem to have much in the way of hope for the people of the mainland. What happens to the darklings? What happens to Bryce? What happens to the mainland?
How Well Were The Characters Developed?
The main character, Bryce, longed for battle. He wanted the glory and the fame that came with it. Garrod tried to explain the reality to him, but he wouldn't listen. Bryce found out, first hand, how horrible and terrifying mortal combat really is. I'd like to see him ruminate on that a bit.
Did The Beginning, Plot, And Ending Flow?
I thought your opening was fine. It set the scene well as to where they were and what conditions they lived in. I like the premise, and I think that it could be developed into a novel length piece. The story flowed from one scene to the next well enough, but the end kind of dumped me.
As I stated above, the end left me with a lot of unanswered questions. I started out thinking that the crystals were going to devour the darklings. When they arouse from the earth writhing, I assumed in agony, I thought they were done for. I was given the impression that the crystals were incredibly powerful and that darklings were their natural prey. But in the end, I wondered if the crystals called the darklings out to create more darklings to feed the crystals, or if the crystals themselves were somehow more dangerous. What was coming? The darklings? Something worse?
Areas of Improvement
General Suggestions?
You have a lot of run-on sentences that are broken up by commas, semi-colons, and ellipsis ( - , . . .). These should be broken up into separate sentences. Some of them made it difficult to keep in context without re-reading. As a rule, ellipsis should be kept to a minimum, and when you use them, use only one kind.
There are a number of places where you left words in, or left words out, during your editing process. "Bryce was stood on the ground floor" "A small had only recently managed to forget". You wrote "When Bryce was done he said his cup" instead of ". . . set his cup". Your fourth paragraph has some pronoun errors where you used "their" instead of "his".
Some of your sentences lack punctuation at the end or don't begin with a capital letter. There are some sentences that should have commas.
This piece needs some serious proofing.
Points of Confusion?
Proof read your piece more than once. Read it out loud so that you know what it will sound like. I have to be careful because I know what I mean when I write, but the reader doesn't have a clue as to what's in my brain box. If something doesn't make sense, or reads awkwardly, rewrite it until it flows smoothly.
Readers don't like loose ends. If you promise something anywhere in your piece, even near the end, you're going to have to deliver on it before you wrap things up.
What I Liked The Most
I like your story premise. It has the benefit of being original, at least to me. Your protagonist is flawed. That's a good thing. I was serious when I said that this has real potential to be a full novel. The ideas are already popping around in my head. (Don't worry, I won't take your idea. I just wish I'd have thought of it.)
5 Star Rating
:Description (Good word choice? Good Imagery?)
 :Plot (Keeps me reading? Always Clear?)
:Dialogue (Right Amount? Flow Smoothly?)
 :Characters (Interesting? Believable?)
:Creativity (Imaginative? Original?)
Total:
Thank you for the opportunity to read your piece. Best of luck with all your endeavors.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Fred Marle |
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| (3.5)
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