Hello!
I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.
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Title
I don't know that the title fully expresses your story. It doesn't draw me in, whereas your story does.
Beginning
I think what you're trying to do here is build the tension and setting by giving the reader a walkthrough of the street outside, sitting in the bar and meeting the waitress, and the walking to the back alley. To me it felt like overkill, I didn't need to know most of the details of his walkthrough, and they would be more effective if they were woven through action. Your story really begins in the alley, where you could weave most of the locational and sensory details in with a few focused paragraphs.
Plot
A man finds out he has terminal cancer and decides to end his life early. We follow his actions and the last day of his life with a kind of resignation. The ending has a twist with the hitman deviation from the request to kill him more painfully and his wife as well. I wasn't sure how the hitman figured out his wife was having an affair in the short time between the job and the hit, or why he would care enough to kill the man's wife. His motives just weren't clear.
Characters
Shelby and Linda are underdeveloped with only vague positive details. As a reader, I didn't really feel any sense of loss or revenge because they didn't seem like real people. Example: "met his wife Linda, at Kat’s Kitchen Diner of 4th Street, her radiant beauty snared his heart." This is a very cookie-cutter reason for loving someone. To feel any real sense of loss we need at least a hint of a story.
Setting/Imagery
I think you really shone here, and it is obvious that you put care and thought into developing the setting. The atmosphere was melancholy, and rich with sensory details.
Grammar/Mechanics
The two main issues I found were beginning sentences with conjunctions, and overuse of simultaneous actions. Otherwise it is very polished!
Ending
I found the ending a little disappointing and predictable. I suspected as soon as the setup was clear, that he would both die and be told he could have lived. I think it might have more sting if the main character had more personality development.
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Line by Line Suggestion
Once you get to a certain point in your editing, you have cleared out all or most of the actual typos and all that remains is to tighten your word choice and structure. This can be largely subjective so my notes below are (of course) just suggestions.
Duncan McCafferty stood in a parking lot, outside a hole-in-the-wall bar, under the buzz and flicker of a failing “Open” sign. The night’s rain was a fine mist, transforming into a heavy drizzle, that brought on a chill that made his bones shiver.Stood is a weak verb in that doesn't add much. You also use repetitive sentence structure, although this could be for effect or just a natural flow for you. I would reword as "Duncan McCafferty shivered in a parking lot, outside a hole-in-the-wall bar, under the buzz and flicker of a failing “Open” sign. The night’s rain transformed from a fine mist into a chilling drizzle."
Before opening the heavy wooden door he hesitated, thinking to himself: Get back in the car and go home to your family. He pushed away the thought, it’s not every day you get to meet the man who will murder you. The changes I suggest here are focused on the descriptions. Do we need to know the door is heavy or made of wood? It doesn't add much to the atmosphere, and it seems unlikely we will need to know later. Thinking to yourself is redundant since you can't think to anyone else. "He hesitated before the door. Get back in the car and go home to your family, he thought, before pushing past his reservations. It’s not every day you get to meet the man who will murder you."
Out for weeks at a time, The Wharf - as the locals called it -because you have already told us it is called the "Fisherman's Wharf", you can cut the "as the locals called it". This is a logical shortening.
he place reminded him of the Cantina on Mos Eisley… minus the band. I don't think you need an ellipses here.
Thanks for the nice tip sweetie.Thanks for the nice tip, Sweetie.
As he stepped out into the back alleyway, he looked around while he buttoned his coat. Be careful of having too many actions happening simultaneously. When this happens, it usually means you're over describing. In this case, most of the details included are meaningless to the reader. Do we need to know he is buttoning his coat? "He stepped buttoned his coat and stepped into the back alleyway".
It took a moment for the fogginess of sleep. But he soon remembered, that today was his last day on earth. It took a moment for the fogginess of sleep, but he soon remembered that today was his last day on earth.
soft aroma of her shampoo one last time. This description leaves something wanting. What aroma is it? Vanilla? Lavender?
His accounting firm was a small operation with no need for any other employees. So he worked from home to keep the overhead costs low.His accounting firm was a small operation with no need for any other employees, so he worked from home to keep the overhead costs low.
He had planned to bring in Shelby as a helper when she was older, to see if there was a spark of interest in the adventurous world of accounting and finance. But now, that he would never have the opportunity.
Generally you should avoid beginning sentences with conjunctions. "He planned to bring in Shelby when she was older to see if there was a spark of accounting interest, but now he would never have the opportunity."
OR "He had planned to bring in Shelby as a helper when she was older, to see if there was a spark of interest in the adventurous world of accounting and finance. Now, he would never have the opportunity."
The puzzle was a Person, Place or Thing, I don't think these need to be capitalized
He paid me $10,000 to kill the pair of you.” I assume you mean the wife and husband here, but it seems to imply he might be killing the boyfriend as well.
Overall Opinion
I think this story has tons of potential, and is already a dark and compelling read. To me it needs refining and rewriting to tighten up the wording and structure. I think it also needs some character work. Right now the characters are very much just "the hitman, the dying man, the cheating wife, and the daughter". Should you choose to do any major revisions, let me know and I will update my review. Thank you for the story!
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