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279 Public Reviews Given
279 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I love to review in-depth on short stories over 10K. My reviews focus on plot, characters, style, and grammar. I will give a mixture of constructive criticism and constructive praise, including a sample of some line-by-line issues. It is important to note that I will give 1 and 2-star ratings to works that I believe need heavy revision, but I'm always open to revisiting a work that has been revised with the potential to raise the rating.
I'm good at...
I like to look at a work both as a whole and broken down into its essential pieces. I think this allows me to present a balanced and constructive review.
Favorite Genres
My preferred genres are Horror, Fantasy, or Science Fiction. I prefer the intended audience to be teen or adult.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance/erotica, personal narratives (mostly), children's stories (mostly)
Favorite Item Types
My favorite items are short stories, but I will review several chapters of a novel or potentially the entire novel if I am interested enough. I will review poetry, but I do not have extensive experience with different poetic forms.
I will not review...
I do not review works where the major emphasis is on religion, nor do I review erotica.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Early Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

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Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today at your request. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. I am neither a poet nor a historian! Below you will find comments and suggestions, which I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions. If not, I tried!"

-----
Title & Description

*NoteB* The tite is original and instantly made me want to read more. I do think you should capitalize "Fish" in it. We see a connection in the second stanza with "silent fish/exist without hands." This image was hard for me to unpack. All fish are missing hands, so I then assumed you meant people who acted like silent observers but could not act.

Concept

*NoteB* I think you have a broad scope in this piece, watching the world outside you, and then focusing in on your childhood and life. To me the image of the pope and the fish at the beginning feels out of place with the other images that are presented, which all have to do with your narrator personally. While it is vivid, it doesn't seem to add to or clarify your message.


Style/Voice

*NoteB* You have a very distinct style in this piece. Your use of selective capitalization, personification, and heavy use of metaphor all stand out to me. Each stanza is its own puzzle, and I liked half the imagery as much as I vehemently dislike the other half.

Structure

*NoteB* Some of your transitions are abrupt. There is seemingly no connection to the image of the fish your grandma's shed.

*NoteB* In my opinion, you are overdoing some of your imagery. "have knelt on the forest’s/soft moss, and dipped a/dented metal cup into the clearest/spring water, and drank deep of Time’s quenching,/forgotten tale of unslakeable thirst and tears." Is so packed that my eyes just skim over it. I would select the most important images and chop the rest. For example-"have knelt on the forest’s moss,/ and dipped a dented cup into spring water,/ drinking deep of Time’s
forgotten tale of unslakeable thirst"

Grammar/Mechanics

*NoteB* I'm a firm believer that you can break the rules of grammar and mechanics if and only if you do so with purpose. You break them quite often in this piece. it does initially come across as though you just don't know them. You often don't capitalize "I", but not always, and you do capitalize Grandma and Grandpa. It should be one way or the other, unless it has some deeper meaning. I do notice that you turn many words into proper nouns, personifying Freedom, Life, Time.

*NoteB* Your tenses are all over the place, but it does match the journey of the poem.

Ending

*NoteB* My impression is that your poem is ultimately about your life and the major experiences that shaped it (grandparent's deaths, travel to other countries, gathering stories, first love, and your child, the search for life's meaning. I find it strange, then that you have chosen the silent fish as the image to pick for your title. Although it is vivid, I couldn't find a concrete meaning to tie it to your major concepts. The best I could do is think of the Silent Fish as a helpless observer, although that is not the impression I get of the narrator, who is very active. If anything the key/stone is the most lasting element in my mind.


Overall Opinion

*NoteB* I think that some of your deliberate grammatical inconsistencies are working against you rather than for you, especially the capitalization. Your imagery is vivid and really well done, however, it does convolute your meaning in two or three places (for me). Although I initially struggles with some of these elements, I came to really admire this piece at the end. That is saying something for me, since I rarely enjoy poetry. I could feel the beating heart of this story, even if I couldn't always understand it.





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2
2
Review of The Diagnosis  Open in new Window.
Review by Early Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*LeafBr* I don't know that the title fully expresses your story. It doesn't draw me in, whereas your story does.

Beginning

*LeafBr* I think what you're trying to do here is build the tension and setting by giving the reader a walkthrough of the street outside, sitting in the bar and meeting the waitress, and the walking to the back alley. To me it felt like overkill, I didn't need to know most of the details of his walkthrough, and they would be more effective if they were woven through action. Your story really begins in the alley, where you could weave most of the locational and sensory details in with a few focused paragraphs.

Plot

*LeafBr* A man finds out he has terminal cancer and decides to end his life early. We follow his actions and the last day of his life with a kind of resignation. The ending has a twist with the hitman deviation from the request to kill him more painfully and his wife as well. I wasn't sure how the hitman figured out his wife was having an affair in the short time between the job and the hit, or why he would care enough to kill the man's wife. His motives just weren't clear.

Characters

*LeafBr* Shelby and Linda are underdeveloped with only vague positive details. As a reader, I didn't really feel any sense of loss or revenge because they didn't seem like real people. Example: "met his wife Linda, at Kat’s Kitchen Diner of 4th Street, her radiant beauty snared his heart." This is a very cookie-cutter reason for loving someone. To feel any real sense of loss we need at least a hint of a story.

Setting/Imagery

*LeafBr* I think you really shone here, and it is obvious that you put care and thought into developing the setting. The atmosphere was melancholy, and rich with sensory details.

Grammar/Mechanics

*LeafBr* The two main issues I found were beginning sentences with conjunctions, and overuse of simultaneous actions. Otherwise it is very polished!

Ending

*LeafBr* I found the ending a little disappointing and predictable. I suspected as soon as the setup was clear, that he would both die and be told he could have lived. I think it might have more sting if the main character had more personality development.



-----
Line by Line Suggestion

Once you get to a certain point in your editing, you have cleared out all or most of the actual typos and all that remains is to tighten your word choice and structure. This can be largely subjective so my notes below are (of course) just suggestions.

*LeafBr* *BurstG*Duncan McCafferty stood in a parking lot, outside a hole-in-the-wall bar, under the buzz and flicker of a failing “Open” sign. The night’s rain was a fine mist, transforming into a heavy drizzle, that brought on a chill that made his bones shiver.*BurstG*Stood is a weak verb in that doesn't add much. You also use repetitive sentence structure, although this could be for effect or just a natural flow for you. I would reword as "Duncan McCafferty shivered in a parking lot, outside a hole-in-the-wall bar, under the buzz and flicker of a failing “Open” sign. The night’s rain transformed from a fine mist into a chilling drizzle."

*LeafBr* *BurstG*Before opening the heavy wooden door he hesitated, thinking to himself: Get back in the car and go home to your family. He pushed away the thought, it’s not every day you get to meet the man who will murder you.*BurstG* The changes I suggest here are focused on the descriptions. Do we need to know the door is heavy or made of wood? It doesn't add much to the atmosphere, and it seems unlikely we will need to know later. Thinking to yourself is redundant since you can't think to anyone else. "He hesitated before the door. Get back in the car and go home to your family, he thought, before pushing past his reservations. It’s not every day you get to meet the man who will murder you."

*LeafBr* *BurstG*Out for weeks at a time, The Wharf - as the locals called it -*BurstG*because you have already told us it is called the "Fisherman's Wharf", you can cut the "as the locals called it". This is a logical shortening.

*LeafBr* *BurstG*he place reminded him of the Cantina on Mos Eisley… minus the band.*BurstG* I don't think you need an ellipses here.

*LeafBr* *BurstG*Thanks for the nice tip sweetie.*BurstG*Thanks for the nice tip, Sweetie.

*LeafBr* *BurstG*As he stepped out into the back alleyway, he looked around while he buttoned his coat. *BurstG* Be careful of having too many actions happening simultaneously. When this happens, it usually means you're over describing. In this case, most of the details included are meaningless to the reader. Do we need to know he is buttoning his coat? "He stepped buttoned his coat and stepped into the back alleyway".

*LeafBr* *BurstG*It took a moment for the fogginess of sleep. But he soon remembered, that today was his last day on earth. *BurstG*It took a moment for the fogginess of sleep, but he soon remembered that today was his last day on earth.

*LeafBr* *BurstG*soft aroma of her shampoo one last time. *BurstG* This description leaves something wanting. What aroma is it? Vanilla? Lavender?

*LeafBr* *BurstG*His accounting firm was a small operation with no need for any other employees. So he worked from home to keep the overhead costs low.*BurstG*His accounting firm was a small operation with no need for any other employees, so he worked from home to keep the overhead costs low.
*LeafBr* *BurstG*He had planned to bring in Shelby as a helper when she was older, to see if there was a spark of interest in the adventurous world of accounting and finance. But now, that he would never have the opportunity.
*BurstG* Generally you should avoid beginning sentences with conjunctions. "He planned to bring in Shelby when she was older to see if there was a spark of accounting interest, but now he would never have the opportunity."
OR "He had planned to bring in Shelby as a helper when she was older, to see if there was a spark of interest in the adventurous world of accounting and finance. Now, he would never have the opportunity."

*LeafBr* *BurstG*The puzzle was a Person, Place or Thing,*BurstG* I don't think these need to be capitalized

*LeafBr* *BurstG*He paid me $10,000 to kill the pair of you.”*BurstG* I assume you mean the wife and husband here, but it seems to imply he might be killing the boyfriend as well.

Overall Opinion

*LeafBr*I think this story has tons of potential, and is already a dark and compelling read. To me it needs refining and rewriting to tighten up the wording and structure. I think it also needs some character work. Right now the characters are very much just "the hitman, the dying man, the cheating wife, and the daughter". Should you choose to do any major revisions, let me know and I will update my review. Thank you for the story!





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3
3
Review of Late Night Snack  Open in new Window.
Review by Early Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today for the June raid. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions, which I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

*BurstG* *BurstG* *BurstG*

Title

*NoteB* This is a darkly punny title. I liked it!

Beginning

*NoteB* "No-- you go in the kitchen, I cooked dinner!" I love that you started with the tense dialogue here. My one note would be that it would make more sense for her to say "No--you go get me a snack" or something to that effect. Otherwise. she is just telling him to go stand in the kitchen, which seems odd.

*NoteB* The beginning hooked me due to the tension between the two characters.

Plot

*NoteB* The story follows a lazy and rude boyfriend or husband who is watching television in bed and refuses to help his wife/girlfriend cook dinner. He flips to a channel to find a movie that is more than it seems. Although I really liked this twist, I wanted there to be some origin story or explanation as to how these two realities came in contact/crossed over and why it happened to David.

Characters

*NoteB* "Oh-- and fix me something while you're in there!"- Oh no he did not.

*NoteB* Both of the characters were unsympathetic and we don't get much detail about either of their personalities except that they are tired and unhappy. I wanted more development here to really care one way or the other that David gets his just desserts.

Setting/Imagery

*NoteB* Mountainous heaps of clothes littered the floor. - sounds like my house lol

*NoteB* You have great descriptions! I would have liked a hair more sensory detail.

Ending

*NoteB* The ending feels familiar and predictable, though it is somewhat satisfying. To me, this was the weakest part of the piece.

Line by Line Suggestion
*NoteB* Small rays of light bounced around the dark room from a small television perched on the dresser. You could cut the word small here to tighten the sentence.

*NoteB* He smiled, horror movies were his favorite. He smiled. Horror movies were his favorite.
*NoteB* Even though the movie was in black and white, he still watched, intrigued by the grainy quality of the film. David usually didn't care for black and white movies but....

*NoteB* The father, an oversized
dark-haired man with deep, probing eyes raised his hand and motioned.
There is something wrong with the spacing here. The sentence is a bit busy with action and hard to visualize.
*NoteB* A wicked hate These are both great words but seem redundant to me
*NoteB* Jumping shadows danced wickedly because you used wicked earlier, you might try a different discription here.


Overall Opinion

*NoteB* You have a really entertaining horror story! It reminded me quite a bit of an episode of the twilight zone. With a little more character development, and maybe some origin/explanation for the crossover, it could be even better. Great work!




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4
4
Review by Early Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
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Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today as part of
FORUM
Power's 10th Anniversary Party - Closed Open in new Window. (13+)
Come and celebrate with us by completing these challenges!
#2119358 by Tiggy Author IconMail Icon
. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions, which I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

*BurstG* *BurstG* *BurstG*

Title

*NoteB* This is a very straightforward title.

Beginning

*NoteB* The two couples stood around the old gypsy woman’s table as she gazed intently into her crystal ball, her eyes moving slowly, staring into its depths.
-The first sentence of your story should hook your reader. For that reason, I would avoid beginning with two couples standing around.
"The ancient gypsy woman gazed into her crystal ball, her eyes roaming its depths." begins with action and a strong image.

Plot

*NoteB* Two couples get doomsday fortunes from a cruise-ship gypsy. One woman takes her seriously and then they mostly die due to an ISIS-related explosion that isn't really related to them. This plot seems a little all-over the place. It seems like it might be a contest entry? Too much writing psace is alloted to a desription of the history of halloween, which doesn't really end up being rleevent at all. The reason for the conflict (The blogging king/ISIS) are only mentioned in passing.

Characters

*NoteB* I was confused as to why these specific characters were chosen, and why there are so many of them. You don't have much space in such a short story to distinguish them from each other, except by name. None of them are particularly developed in either visual details or personality, either. It seems like you could have honed this story a little more by making the main characters just Beth and her husband. This would still leave you once character to proved the prediction right before your ending. It also seemed like the Blogging King should have been more of a presence given how essential he is to the plot.

Setting/Imagery

*NoteB* You have a few vivid images, but mixing more in (as well as sensory details of smell, sounds, and touch would really make the story pop).

Grammar/Mechanics

*NoteB* You have quite a few issues of dialogue tags and commas vs. periods. There are also quite a few run-on sentences and mistaken capitalizations. A sampling has been pulled out in the line by line.

Ending

*NoteB* I don't quite understand why the gypsy can't tell if Beth will drown, die from blood loss, or be eaten by the shark. It seems like she should be able to know just as easily as the others.

Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* soothe things over smooth things over or soothe her
*NoteB* “So gypsy woman, just how will we all die?” It may help to give her name here. Normally you wouldn't call someone "gypsy woman" haha
*NoteB* “You will drown Kevin, your friends Mark and Sharon will die in an explosion, and you Beth...." “You will drown, Kevin. Your friends, Mark and Sharon, will die in an explosion. You, Beth...."
*NoteB* She couldn’t understand why her husband and friends weren’t upset with these predictions. It might be better show this with her words and actions
*NoteB* Unfortunately she was never listened to by them, even though she was correct 80% of the time. Show this in the sory or have her say it.
*NoteB* “I wouldn't be so quick to judge a Gypsy woman Kevin, especially one who can see the things I see." “I wouldn't be so quick to judge a Gypsy, Kevin, especially one who can see the things I see."
*NoteB* Beth, her husband Kevin, and their best friends Mark and Sharon were on a Halloween midnight dinner cruise, celebrating their first anniversary. The four friends were on a Halloween midnight dinner cruise, celebrating their anniversaries.
*NoteB* As they walked away, Beth looked at Sharon and said, "She should be forced to close up shop, she shouldn't be allowed to scare people with tales of doom!" "She should be forced to close up shop. She shouldn't be allowed to scare people with tales of doom!" Beth said.


Overall Opinion

*NoteB* You have a lot of interesting plot ideas in this piece, but they don't quite fit together yet. A few rewrites and a more focused plot/character development could make this tale of destiny and horror shine.





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5
5
Review by Early Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today as part of
FORUM
Power's 10th Anniversary Party - Closed Open in new Window. (13+)
Come and celebrate with us by completing these challenges!
#2119358 by Tiggy Author IconMail Icon
. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions, which I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

*BurstG* *BurstG* *BurstG*

Title

*NoteB* Your title is perfect.

Beginning

*NoteB* I loved the imagery of the woman in black and red on top of a tower surrounded by bones. I wanted to know everything that had led there!

Plot

*NoteB* Two immortal beings are trapped in a loop in which they fight to the death as the dragon and the phoenix (good and evil?) and kill each other over and over. Only self-sacrifice ends this loop. This is a devastating and timeless idea, but I wasn't as emotionally affected because we don't really find out why they have been cursed. There are so many unanswered questions, such as who they were in the beginning, who cursed them and why, how many times had they returned etc. It might have been more effective to flash back to some of those other lifetimes and also flash back to how the curse began.

Characters

*NoteB* The phoenix and the dragon end up being the same character to some extent. Their only characterization comes from their imagery and we then find that they trade places with that imagery every time they come back.

Style/Voice

*NoteB* I liked the high-drama and aloofness of the style in this. It was very fitting to the characters.

Grammar/Mechanics

*NoteB* Your work seemed free of major error but did have some repetition that seemed unintentional and a few overly complex sentence structures.


Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* Their presence merely caused her to note, somewhere, in the back of her mind, that her attackers did have decent aim.Their presence merely reminded her that her attackers did have decent aim.
*NoteB* She knew what lay ahead of her, what sorrows and pains. She knew what sorrows and pains lay ahead of her.
*NoteB* This she knew, too, but she was determined. The phrase "she knew" is repeated quite often in the story. You may wish to vary it to avoid repetition.
*NoteB* Except for one thing: there would be no giving up this time. questionable sentence structure.
*NoteB* Her defiance of time's curse had always astounded him. This time was no different.
repetition of time (abundant throuought the piece)
*NoteB* This time, when the time came, she would wield the final blow. repetition of time
*NoteB* For she knew he was close.She knew he was close.

Overall Opinion

*NoteB* This is a really lovely, classic, dark, hopeful, devastating piece. It gave me all the feelings. I do think the writing could be crafted a little more to avoid repetition and expanded to flesh out the characters.





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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
6
6
Review of Starbucks  Open in new Window.
Review by Early Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today as part of
FORUM
Power's 10th Anniversary Party - Closed Open in new Window. (13+)
Come and celebrate with us by completing these challenges!
#2119358 by Tiggy Author IconMail Icon
. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions, which I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

*BurstG* *BurstG* *BurstG*


Suggestions

*NoteB* Steaming coffee tastes so good. you could get more specific with both coffee and/or flavor. Steaming dark roast tastes like joy.
*NoteB* Coffee drinkers gather together. This line seems like it be pushed further since you use the word coffee elsewhere.
*NoteB*Travelers seek out the coffee shops. Because we already know this is about Starbucks from the title, you could go more specific. "Travelers seek out the espresso shots.

Overall Opinion

*NoteB* This poem really speaks to me as a Starbucks Barista :) and I was inspired to immediately try my own Starbucks acrostic! "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. Please take a look if you have an interest.
*NoteB*"Roasted coffee beans scent the air." is my favorite line. It is so simple, yet has great sensory imagery and perfectly encapsulates your first impression when you enter a coffee shop!
*NoteB*"Understanding coffee lingo is fun." I am really glad there are people who enjoy this because it is definitely a source of stress for some.
*NoteB* "Busy workers fill the orders so well"-Thank you for noticing, haha. But seriously, I love how kind and happy this poem is. Coffee really does bring people together.
*NoteB* Kitchen coffee is not the same.- I love this term and haven't heard it before. I will now use it to malign Folgers.
*NoteB* I really enjoyed this poem on a personal level and can tell that you are a wonderful coffee-shop customer who would never order a beverage with more than 3 modifications :P.





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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
7
7
Review of Night Terrors  Open in new Window.
Review by Early Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today as part of
FORUM
Power's 10th Anniversary Party - Closed Open in new Window. (13+)
Come and celebrate with us by completing these challenges!
#2119358 by Tiggy Author IconMail Icon
. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions, which I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

*BurstG* *BurstG* *BurstG*


Plot

*NoteB* Suzanna has night terrors about demons that immediately come true. I wanted more from the plot. Why is she having these dreams rather than other people? What causes her doom? Does she deserve this somehow? Is the apocalypse happening?

Style/Voice/Setting/Imagery

*NoteB* I really appreciated your use of strong, descriptive verbs! It is easy to fall into the "dream" of this story, no pun intended. In such a short story, it might be beneficial to cut some of the descriptions of traveling and use it for character/plot.

Grammar/Mechanics

*NoteB* Your work seemed free of any major error!

Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* While rubbing eyes surrounded by the dark circles of sleep deprivation, "While rubbing eyes surrounded by dark circles" works just as well here and will free up a few words for later use since we assume most eye circles are from sleeplessness and already know she has bad dreams.
*NoteB* After tossing on a set of sweats, After tossing on sweats,
*NoteB* Suzanna kept her high-beams on as she drove at a leisurely pace down the gravel country road. Suzanna used her high-beams on as she mieandered down the gravel country road. (stronger verb could be used here)



Overall Opinion

*NoteB* Congrats on writing this piece! I can't say I could ever tell a story in so few words without losing my mind. The imagery was strong, but we didn't get much of Suzanna's character or any rational for the plot. If hell comes to earth, I want to know why.





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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
8
8
Review by Early Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
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Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today as part of {bitem: 2119358}. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions, which I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

*BurstG* *BurstG* *BurstG*


Plot

*NoteB* The plot follows a young adult (Branston) who was previously part of a dragon guard. Due to an incident, he fled, along with many others in his order. He is being hunted down by his king, as well as tracked by a neighboring king for his unique powers. Branston is interesting in that he is part of a guard, but seems utterly unable to defend himself and somewaht weak of spirit as well.

Characters

*NoteB* The characters are fairly undeveloped at this point and follow typical fantasy types seen in most other stories. There is a young man with untapped powers but no fightig skills and a grizzled mentor who saves him and will presumably train him to protect himself. The king is presented as a great evil who much be overthrown. Ideally with more character development some of these tropes will fade to the background.

Setting/Imagery

*NoteB* While you do a good job of interspersing descriptive elements, you may want to focus more on selecting aspects that advance plot or are in some way unusual. We don't need to know the color of every blanket, for instance, but telling us if it is home-spun or threadbare will tell us about the character. It would also help to get more than visuals, such as sound, smells, etc.

Grammar/Mechanics

*NoteB* Watch out for paragraph length. You don't need to break them up quite so much when you have the same character speaking/thinking and you haven't changed topic or action.
*NoteB* Your work seems free of major error.

Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* Branston's shaggy unkempt blond beard and brown woolen winter clothes.
Great imagery! I think you could cut either shaggy or unkempt as they present somewhat duplicate imagery. Branston's shaggy blond beard and woolen clothes.

*NoteB* He shivered and pulled his gray blanket around his shoulders, So far we have learned that the horses are brown, Branston's bear is blonde, his clothes are brown, and his blanket grey in very short order. You may want to consider cutting some of these details as they don't advance the plot and bog the pace down.
*NoteB* Wolves were common in the surrounding woodland, and his neighbor had warned him before leaving. "They don't seem like regular wolves, neither," his neighbor had said. "They're more aggressive these days. Some say they've gotten bigger. Just be careful." You may want to pair down your writing just a little so you don't tell the same information several times. "Wolves were common in the surrounding woodland, and his neighbor had warned him that they were more aggressive and larger." The dialogue here feels dijointed because it is from an unnamed narrator and happened at an earlier time.
*NoteB* His horses stopped screaming they thumped to the ground. His horses stopped screaming and they thumped to the ground.
*NoteB* a man you may want to distinguish the attackers somehow so you can refer to them seperately. You use "a man" 4 times in quick succession and it is hard to tell who is who.

Overall Opinion

*NoteB* Although the plot and character are fairly predictable, the story is easy to follow and begins in action. We are left wondering what the marks on Branston's hands do/mean and how he will fair with the new king. I felt the story needed more sensory details and more careful wording to avoid repitition and words that don't carry their weight. However, I think fans of Eragon would get into this pretty easily.





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9
9
Review of Endless  Open in new Window.
Review by Early Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
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Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions, which I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title & Description

*NoteB* This is a classic title but doesn't really draw me in or give me much of an idea of what is to come.

-----
Line by Line Suggestion
*NoteB*The endless possibilities beat my dreams all night. The word "beat" feels out of place here. It either gives me a negative image of possibilities beating on dreams violently, or a pulsing beat as in rap music which feels at odds with the atmosphere of the rest of the poem.
*NoteB*I ponder what could be, with heaven in tune. I wasn't sure what was meant by "with heaven in tune" here.
*NoteB*she's heaven and I'm not to tell. the rhytm of this portion is off from the rest and it feels like a forced rhyme. What did you mean by "not to tell"? Not to tell about her to someone else?
*NoteB*I have a dream of many things.
But like a wasp, it only stings.
"I have dreams of many things.
But like wasps, they only sting." would be an off-rhyme but makes more sense and still flows well. I love this line! Dreams can be like stinging wasps.
*NoteB*With out them so, my world turns blue. Without them so, my world turns blue.

Overall Opinion

*NoteB* This poem needs further development but you have many great images and ideas floating in it. The wording is vague and lacks a cohesive overall meaning as well as some smaller issues of meaning in individual lines. I definitely got the image of a man thinking about his dreams, but I he was floating free of setting and the plot themes change from stanza to stanza.





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10
10
Review of Un-Fair  Open in new Window.
Review by Early Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions, which I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions. So sorry I missed you review request earlier, but here is a freebie.

*StarBl* *Dragon2* *StarBl*

Title

*StarBl* Very punny.

Beginning

*StarBl*
"My mom drops me off in a giant parking lot in front of an empty fairground. "
-This did not hook me. You want your first line to pack a punch, although all is fair in an early draft. I would recommend stronger verbs and visuals.

-I wonder if sitting in the stands is the best way to begin your story or if you could jump into the action more.


Plot

*StarBl* The plot here had parallels to Shakespeare's "The Taming of The Shrew". A thoughtless, independent woman thinks she knows everything until she is forced to marry and is eventually "broken" like a horse by her husband and then is presumably happy (can you tell I did not enjoy it?). In "Un-fair", a spoiled girl is forced to volunteer and gets a crush on the wrong boy until the right boy teaches her she is all wrong and needs to be saved from herself.

For me, the big problem is that the conflict is solved externally and not by the main character, which makes her pretty passive. While she does change her mind, she doesn't really "grow" on her own. Another issue is that the so-called "good guy" is dragging this girl off to the stables...pretty bad behavior.

Characters

*StarBl* I like a good anti-hero, and I could tell you worked hard to get your character's attitude and judgement across.

*StarBl* The main character comes across as very unlikeable to me, but wasn't complex enough for me to care about her. For the plot to work for me, I have to somewhat agree with her initial attitude and be surprised when I find out she isn't seeing the world accurately. Otherwise I'm just waiting around for her to fail.

*StarBl* I never got a clear idea of what your main character looked like, and most people were just described as blonde and big-breasted or fat and nerdy.

Style/Voice

*StarBl* The only problem I had with voice is that the teens came across as a strange mixture of young ages and dated dialogue. Most teens don't use the words "dolt", no matter how high achieving they are. They just didn't use recent slang.

Setting/Imagery

*StarBl* Once we enter the gates, we cluster in front of a woman in a burlap skirt, a man with a pink and purple-checkered one-piece suit on, and a guy in long underwear or something, holding a sword.
this is strong imagery but is less effective for being crammed together in a long list. Try to weave it in throughout instead of having occasional clusters. This is especially true because you present another list of images a few sentences earlier "fat kids etc". You may want to incorporate other senses.

Overall Opinion }

*StarBl* While I think this is an excellent start, I do think this piece needs more development in the plot and character development. Who is your audience and what are you trying to tell them? I would really examine your message and hone your writing more to express it.





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11
11
Review by Early Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today as part of
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#2090306 by Not Available.
. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions, which I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

*StarBl* *Dragon2* *StarBl*

Title

*StarBl* Very fitting.

Plot

*StarBl* The last dragon is promised protection by a princess/maiden who asks that the dragon bring back her dead lover as the price. I didn't quite understand how this maiden was going to help the dragon. It seems unlikely that she could defend against dragon slayers. There is mention of a seed, but it is a little unclear. I can extrapolate from the image that you mean the egg the girl is holding is the seed (potentially what she will protect). Eventually the dragon egg would hatch, however, and be in the same boat as the current dragon. The dragon you describe is also male, so how he has an egg is a bit of a mystery.

Characters

*StarBl* The fearful, searching dragon and the mourning maiden. These characters fit into old molds, just shy of being cliche. You might consider adding a little more development.

Style/Voice

*StarBl* You have a well-developed style which flows well and is descriptive. I particularly enjoyed..

*StarBl* touching the ancient dragon's heart

*StarBl* His eyes flash in the evening sun

Grammar/Mechanics

*StarBl* Your writing seems clear of major issues in this department!


Line by Line Suggestion
*StarBl* for those who can discern. My understanding is that discern should be followed by something. "For those who can discern the truth".
*StarBl* of those who brought it fear. This lines feels weak/like a forced rhyme
*StarBl* and in her hands the future seed
when dragons will return.
missing word here?

*StarBl*An elder dragon's magic fades: tense change

Overall Opinion

*StarBl* This is a delightful fantasy poem with a traditional plot. It is missing that unique twist and has a few spots with awkward wording, but is very well done overall.





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12
12
Review of The Laidly Wyrm  Open in new Window.
Review by Early Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today as part of
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#2090306 by Not Available.
. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions, which I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

*StarBl* *Dragon2* *StarBl*

Title

*StarBl* I was drawn to the word laidly in the title, although upon research I discovered it meant repulsive. For some reason. it feels more whimsical to me. Regardless, I loved the inclusion of less-used vocabulary.

Plot

*StarBl* An old dragon goes home to die. This storyline really appeals to me. I love the melencholy tone, and the symbolism of the death of magic, childhood, dreams, etc. There also a universal feeling, since we all must meet the end eventually, even dragons.

Characters

*StarBl* The Laidly dragon is the main character, and somehow I feel empathy for her without really having her personified. Knights are briefly mentioned, though not developed individually. (hoards)

Style/Voice

*StarBl* I loved your use of traditional high fantasy images and vocabulary. The rhythm of the poem is steady and the flow nearly seamless.

Setting/Imagery

You have some really great lines of setting description (see favorites below). I would have liked a few more about the dragon. You describe her as repulsive with the word "Laidly", and as having huge wings, but there isn't much else. Although we can all probably fill in the blanks, I think it would add just a little more to the impact if we could see the dragon as you do.

*StarBl* Through the corridors of the sky
To see the vivid greens and golds
Once more ere she did die

*StarBl* She rested there in Brighton Wood
Under its sunny beams

Grammar/Mechanics

*StarBl* Your work was free of punctuation, and so it is hard to gauge in this regard. See the line by line for a few trouble spots.

Ending

*StarBl* The wording here is spot on. It was really gorgeously done, full of emotion, peaceful, yet sad.

Line by Line Suggestion
*StarBl* As into the air she soared This line feels a little clumsy to me.
*StarBl* and much somnolent waxed While I really enjoy the individual words, the ordering seems strange. It essentially says "and much sleepy grew".
*StarBl* For untold years did heroes contest
The bane of many a foe
The word order here is confusing. I think because you switch from the subject being heroes who are contesting, to the dragon being the bane of many a foe, without specifying that you've switched back to the dragon.

Overall Opinion

*StarBl* This is really lovely, sad, and for some reason reminds me of the song "Memory" in the musical Cats. You have great imagery and atmosphere.





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13
13
Review of Ghost Hunting  Open in new Window.
Review by Early Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be randomly reviewing your writing today. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions, which I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

*BurstG* *BurstG* *BurstG*

Title

*NoteB* You have a simple title which is effective at preparing the reader.


Plot

*NoteB* A woman stands outside a haunted house, lead there bu a ghost hunting App. She gets scared by some words on the app and takes off. I wasn't sure what the conflict or motivations were in this story.

Characters

*NoteB* You use first-person, but I don't feel like I ever got a sense of who this character was.

Setting/Imagery

*NoteB* You do a good job developing the imagery of the house in the beginning, but then drop the imagery altogether afterward. We don't get a clear picture of the main character. I had trouble figuring out the basics, like gender.

Grammar/Mechanics

*NoteB*Watch your commas. There are many missing. "I’m not going in, for that would warrant a criminal record, and that’s certainly not me."

Ending

*NoteB* I found myself very confused by the ending. What does "six mean" and why is it scary? Why end with a description of being busy and turning down the track team? It seems like a chunk of the story is missing.

Line by Line Suggestion
*NoteB* It’s over a hundred years old and to my knowledge, no one has lived there in nearly a decade, but still it’s cared for—the lawn’s never long and the paint never peels. I This is a run-on sentence. I would eithe rpair it down or break it up.- It’s over a hundred years old, sitting empty for nearly a decade, but meticulously maintained.
*NoteB* I pull up my cell phone and click to one of the apps. what is this App named? why did the main character download it?
*NoteB* Even my unshaven leg hair seems to be pressing against my clothing in an effort to escape. This seems like somewhat of a bizarre detail. you might try "hairs on my body".

Overall Opinion

*NoteB* This seems like a rough draft that could use some plot and character refining. Why is the character on this road, who is the character as a person. why are they following an App?





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14
14
Review by Early Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today randomly. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions, which I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title& Description

*NoteB* A poem I've written many of times in many ways, having no home leaves a person empty. -A poem I've written many times in many ways. Having no home leaves a person empty.

Concept

*NoteB* This is a tragic, lonely concept that many children and adults can relate to. The poem is vague enough that it could fit any orphan or foster child.

Style/Voice/Sturcture

*NoteB* You have an interesting style and rhythm. The lines are very short, making for a quick pace. At times the lack of punctuation and style clouded your meaning a little. It felt stream-of-consciousness.

Ending

*NoteB* The ending felt a little rambly and unnecessary to me. I would end it after "I'll never forget" for more of a punch.

-----
Line by Line Suggestion
*NoteB*Not belonged Not belonging
*NoteB*An unforgivable sin
Or so it’s been said
I’d like to think
That God makes none
I'm not sure the wording is quite right here. Mistakes are made. Sins are commited. Maybe "commits none"
*NoteB*Stuck in cageless cage Stuck in a cageless cage

Overall Opinion

*NoteB* This was a beautiful and sad piece. It needs just a little polishing, but is hard-hitting emotionally!





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15
15
Review of Potion of Beauty  Open in new Window.
Review by Early Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (2.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today randomly. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions, which I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

*BurstG* *BurstG* *BurstG*

Title

*NoteB* Your title was quite a hook. I love magic potion tales, and especially love magic shops!


Characters

*NoteB* LouAnn could use a little more fleshing out. Why exactly is she so concerned with beauty. What are her motivations and backstory? These are the things that will make us care about her character.


Setting/Imagery

*NoteB* I wondered about the wild west setting. It seemed like more of an afterthought than an essential part of the story. You might try working more western dialect into the character's speech patterns, and more western imagery into the setting.

Grammar/Mechanics

*NoteB* The major issues I see with mechanics are paragraph breaks in the wrong places or not at all and double punctuation. You also switch from calling her by her name and the young woman. Once named, it is unnecessary to describe her in such general terms and makes me think there are two female characters.

Ending
*NoteB* Though certainly disturbing, I wasn't quite sure what had happened at the end of the story. Did LouAnn turn into a doll? If she was lifeless, how did she walk? Why did the shopkeeper make her seem like an item for sale, when arguably he was just like her?


Line by Line Suggestion
*NoteB* She wasn't a woman of beauty, her nose seemed to be too large for her face, her brown hair clung to her neck and was very dull. And If you looked deep into her plain brown eyes you could see the disgust she held for herself within their depths This seems somewhat extreme and hard to swallow. Why be disgusted by yourself because you aren't beautiful? Most people arent beautiful. This might be a little easier to believe if she were described as very ugly instead of just plain.
*NoteB* She was quite unprepared for his spontaneous reaction and took several steps backwards as her eyes widened at the sight of him. She took several steps backwards, wide-eyed" says the same thing without overexplaining.
*NoteB* His nose looked like that which a rat would have He had the long twitchy nose of a rat
*NoteB* "Well, what do you want?! I'm busy, can't you see that?" Double punctuation here. Question mark always wins.
*NoteB* So high pitched and unnatural, she wondered if the man truly was normal. You can rely on the circumstance and description to say some things without spelling them out quite so much. The reader already gets the sense both that the man is abnormal, and that the woman finds his behavior off just by her reactions and descriptions. No need to say it directly as well.
*NoteB* "Ah, I must get my boss for you then. Stand here, and don't touch anything!"

He said with a suspicious glare as the man limped away from her and left her in the strange shop alone.
No need for a paragraph break here.
*NoteB* LouAnne decided to ignore the odor and look at what was within the shop. She noted that there were shelves everywhere, which were covered with papers and strange bottles. Never use two words where you can use 1 to say the same thing. This will streamline your writing and give it a more natural flow. "LouAnne ignored the odor and browsed the many shelves covered with papers and strange bottles."
*NoteB* Her eyes traveled upwards away from the shadow and they finally laid upon a black bottle. "landed" instead of laid
*NoteB* Could you possibly help me?"

LouAnne asked as her voice pleaded as it had before.
Make sure you don't break a paragraph in between dialogue and its speaker tag.
*NoteB* If the liquid worked, or if it didn't, she knew one thing. The young woman would never return to that strange shop again. Whether the liquid worked or not, she knew she would never return to that strange shop again.
*NoteB* Several hours later LouAnne stopped at a small pond and kneeled beside the water to look down at her reflection. knelt



Overall Opinion

*NoteB* This was an engrossing tale. While I enjoyed the overall plot, it felt very rough in terms of grammar and mechanics, character development, and wording. I would recommend reading it slowly aloud to take out some of the stiffness. I was definitely creeped out, however!




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16
16
Review by Early Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today as a random review. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions, which I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.


Comments

*NoteB* Your first sentence is the gateway to your story. It has an enormous impact on who will read the complete work. Because of this, you want it to be as strong as possible. What you have right now is a run on sentence, which could immediately turn people away because it is hard to get through. You also have a weak verb "sat". Here is the original...

Ben sat the beer on the bar and wiped his mouth with the paper napkin that had been laid there to set the bottle on; the bartender, a tired-looking man in his 60s, looked up, frowned, and went back to stacking brown bottles into an ancient and clattering top-load cooler behind the bar.

I would suggest

Ben plopped the beer on the bar and wiped his mouth with the paper napkin coaster. The tired looking bartender looked up, frowned, and went back to stacking bottles into an ancient top-load cooler behind the bar.

You have an overabundance of detail that slows down the story. You need to choose which parts of your description really matter. Does it matter that the bartender is about 60, or does saying he "looks tired" give you a good enough picture? Does it matter the bottles he is stacking are brown, or that the cooler is clattering? Detail helps create a picture of the story, but when there is too much the image becomes cluttered.

*NoteB* You did a really nice job with the dialogue. It felt believable and flowed well. It also fit the characters well. Your atmosphere was impeccable and your character-building is amazing!

*NoteB* For me, the weight of this story felt wrong. Most of it is spent setting the scene for only a few seconds of action that happen off screen. The pace is slow because of this, and the characters are just passive recipients.

Grammar/Mechanics

*NoteB* Watch out for run-ons and excessive use of semi-colons.

Ending

*NoteB* The ending was fairly predictable, but still had the eerieness of a Twilight zone episode. I would recommend beginning the story with the alien scene actually happening rather than having Ben just describe it.






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17
17
Review by Early Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello!

I'm Early, and I'll be reviewing your work today as a random review. All of the included comments are suggestions only. You can take or leave them as you see fit. Please let me know if you do any editing or revision, as I'll be happy to take another look.




Title

*Star* The Desire to Sleep
Is the reason coffee is so popular

Concept

*Star* My interpretation of the concept is that we are moving to fast and working too hard instead of slowing down and enjoying simple things like sleep.

Style/Voice

*Star* I found the style to somewhat confused. The topic was aimed at adults, but the wording and rhyming seemed more aimed at children.


Line by Line Suggestions

*Star* *BurstO*Are the most insane rewards. *BurstO*What do you mean by "insane rewards"? This seemed a little unclear.
*Star* *BurstO* And not hear alarms go beep...
*BurstO* Yes...so true haha
*Star* *BurstO* Times are changing, so they say -
Get things done, and hope and pray *BurstO* This felt too much like stock phrases/cliche's

*Star* *BurstO*But for now, we'll snooze 'til then! *BurstO*now and then here are a little confusing.




Overall Opinion

*Star* I relate quite well to your idea of really wanting to sleep haha. I do think you rely too much on cliche and slip into singsongy phrases that don't feel fresh or original. I think your focus on rhyme is what is holding you back from being truly creative in this poem. On the other hand, it is cute and makes for a quick, relatable read.



18
18
Review by Early Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today as one of my random reviews. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions, which I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

*BurstG* *BurstG* *BurstG*

Title/Description

*NoteB* I could tell from your title that your piece would have religious themes. In particular, themes of violence and sacrifice. I will preface my review with the information that I am not religious, which may be relevant in terms of your intended audience.

You description may not be as effective as possible. The abundant use of ellipses to indicate missing words interrupts the flow and calls into question the clarity of meaning. I couldn't quite interpret your meaning from the description, but gathered that it questioned the idea either that God was merciful or that we should rely on his plan.



Concept

*NoteB* My interpretation of the concept of this piece was that in waiting for God's plan we end up living unsatisfactory lives, put off living up to our full potential, for fear of a higher power.

*NoteB* "If our fortunes and trust lay in the hands
Of a merciful, all-loving God, Then why do we insist on His plan
Of greater, wholesome good? "

There seems to me a fallacy of logic to your sentence structure that obscures your whole meaning. Alternatively, I may just not understand it. You use an If..then (conditional) statement but it isn't set up quite right. For instance.."If you study hard, you will get good grades" is logical. Therefore "If God's plan is good, we can lay our fortunes and trust in his hands".

*NoteB* "unwanted slap in the face"...most slaps in the face are unwanted.

*NoteB* Your ending seems at odds with your overall question. It appears you believe we should not trust in this idea of a God, but you then encourage the reader to view their happiness as a sacrifice to pride and vanity.

Style/Voice

*NoteB* There is definitely a tone of anger and confusion in your writing that I'm sure many can relate to.
Overall Opinion

*NoteB* While I think you pose interesting questions, your meaning is unclear. I think the piece could benefit from rewording to really get at the heart of your question and conclusion.





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19
19
Review of Winter haiku.  Open in new Window.
Review by Early Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today, which I found through the haiku contest. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions, which I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*NoteB* Your title seems meant more for function than ornamentation. This information might be better indicated in the description so your title can pack as much punch as possible, especially now that the contest is over.

Concept

*NoteB* I'm not sure if I'm right, but this haiku seemed to indicate mountain climbing in winter or at least in the snow.

Style/Voice

*NoteB* You had lovely and effective imagery. I could easily imagine hearing boots crunching through snow, and puffs of breath.

Structure

*NoteB* You're 5-7-5 structure feels effortless and looks to be without any mechanical or grammatical error

Overall Opinion

*NoteB* This was an excellent and original haiku. The one bit that I struggled with was "mortal clouds of exertion". I wasn't sure if you were saying the clouds were mortal, as in quick to evaporate, or if the clouds of exertion were issued from mortals. Maybe something else entirely?





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20
20
Review by Early Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Knowing this isn't intended as a standalone story now, I'm bumping your rating up to three. Sorry about that confusion.
21
21
Review by Early Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today which I found through the random review tool. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions, which I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*NoteB* The title is very straightforward, telling us you're about to describe Martha as a character. If this is just a sketch that makes sense, but if this is a stand-alone story you might consider something which speaks to your message instead.

Beginning

*NoteB* Starting off with a history lesson is a quick way to lose a reader, even when the history is fantastical and original like yours. The conversation voice speaking in second person to the reader is interesting, but it makes me wonder who the narrator is.

Plot

*NoteB* So far there isn't much of a plot, and I couldn't tell if that was because this is just a character sketch or because of the huge history section. Adding conflict will be the first order for developing your plot!

Characters

*NoteB* Martha seems like an awesome, strong female protagonist. I liked learning a little of her backstory. The other characters were a bit of a blur. Instead of telling us about them, try showing their character through words, actions, and plot!

Style/Voice

*NoteB* Your use of second person makes the history section more interesting, but since you switch to third for the actual story, it gets a little confusing. I think this story would have a better flow if you didn't directly address the reader with "you".

Setting/Imagery

*NoteB* You have some really rich world-building and backstory here. It's great to know your world's history in detail, but the reader doesn't necessarily need to know it all, and they definitely don't need it all at once. Give us the bare bones that we need to understand and then build throughout the real-time action of the story to make it feel more natural.

Grammar/Mechanics

*NoteB* Just a few typos. Try reading your story out loud slowly to see where you need commas. You seem to have trouble with introductory clauses.

Ending

*NoteB* Because there isn't a dramatic arch to this story it feels as though nothing has actually happened. Your structure is 90% background and 10% story. What would make this more effective would be to have a struggle for Martha to overcome and be changed by, or if this is a first chapter, to end on a hook.



-----
Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB*Not only was she full bodied and striking, but had the coordination and speed of an athlete.*XB* Not only was she full bodied and striking, but she had the coordination and speed of an athlete.

*NoteB* *XB*The valley Witches *XB* I don't think you need to capitalize witches every time. It's not necessarily a proper noun, but if you use it as one, you should probably also capitalize Valley.

*NoteB* *XB*Like Martha, Guiles was gifted and arose quickly through the SOF ranks. *XB* rose

*NoteB* *XB*Martha’s God Father was Antonio Rogoletti. *XB* Godfather

*NoteB* *XB*sometimes indulging her fantasys*XB* fantasies

*NoteB* *XB*knew them all by heart . It was a dream *XB* extra space before the period






Overall Opinion

*NoteB* This is a great start and it looks like you spent a lot of time and thought on the character and world backgrounds. Let me know if you add or edit and I'll be happy to take another look.





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22
22
Review of Poem II  Open in new Window.
Review by Early Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!

I'm Early, and I'll be reviewing your work today from the review request page. All of the included comments are suggestions only. You can take or leave them as you see fit. Please let me know if you do any editing or revision, as I'll be happy to take another look.




Title

*Star* Again, mixed feelings about the lack of title.

Concept

*Star* This message really resonated with me, fresh out of graduate school and in my second year of "the real world". Essentially, when you grow up and become independent you are in many ways less free than when you are a child. But there is no going back, and not much of a chance for redos. Very nice!


Structure

*Star* Some of your line breaks happen at off places, such as "but a slavery more apt/to live lives". it would make more sense to me as "but a slavery/ more apt to live lives", though that could just be personal preference.



Line by Line Suggestions

*Star* *BurstO* a blood let friend *BurstO* I assume I'm just not familiar with this term. Does this refer to a "blood brother" or close friend?

*Star* *BurstO* this state of adulthood
a delusion if not else
of freedom
*BurstO*I don't understand the "if not else" here. You are claiming adulthood is a delusion of freedom, what is the else? It feels unnecessary.

*Star* *BurstO* when as children
freedom was our guide *BurstO* best line of the poem!

*Star* *BurstO* and dust shall you become"
go forth
mine friend" *BurstO* I fear there is something wonky with your quotations




Overall Opinion

*Star* I greatly enjoy your style of writing.






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23
23
Review of Poem I  Open in new Window.
Review by Early Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today, which I found on the review request page. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions, which I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

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Title

*NoteB* Your title is poem 1. On one hand, that does let the poem speak for itself, on the other hand it feels like a wasted opportunity to me.

Beginning

*NoteB* What a hook. I was instantly leaning forward when I read your first line: "Let not the birds prey upon mine face". It is dark and vivid and I love it.

Concept

*NoteB* From what I can tell this poem is symbolically about a person (gender and identity unspecified) rejecting the company of society because she does not feel she deserves it. She also has a dark fear, referred to as "the beast", a term often used for Satan. I confess I got a little muddled. The image of not letting birds prey on her face made me think of vultures (society), but I did not understand what the thing the beast is trying to steal is, nor who/what the beast represents.

Style/Voice

*NoteB* Your style uses antiquated speech patterns that have a very appealing gothic tone (at least to me).

Structure

*NoteB* This is short and bittersweet. While I do admire the conciseness, I think a few more lines could help clarify some of the vagueness.

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Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB*Let not the birds prey upon mine face
.....
their light deserved better and merry faces *XB* Using face/faces at the end of two lines in such a short poem feels a little un-purposefully repetitive, especially with the addition of "countenance".

*NoteB* *XB*and let it live in solitude within its hideous form*XB* in and within in one line feel a little repetitive.






Overall Opinion

*NoteB* I'm generally not a fan of poems but I loved this one instantly. Great job!





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24
24
Review by Early Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today, which I found using the random review tool. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions, which I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

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Title

*NoteB* Your title gives a good idea of the general plot for this story, but does it really represent the story? This isn't really about the deer, it's barely present. Instead it focuses on remembering what is important (taking time to cherish those you love).

Beginning

*NoteB* You do a great job establishing setting and showing what is happening. Now you just need to find a good hook for the beginning. Reading about waiting in line to drop of your kid does not "grab" me as a reader.

Plot

*NoteB* I think a lot of people can relate to many parts of this plot: the father being denied his goodbye kiss by a daughter growing up, deer trouble on the road, and wishing you could keep your children young forever. While I admire the universal picture you're painting, I'm not sure the overall message has been refined all the way yet (see notes on ending)

Style/Voice

*NoteB* Right now your writing style feels very detached, almost like listening to someone else give a report on the story. One reason for this is the lack of protagonist name and characterizing details. He could be anyone, as could his daughter. You also tell what is happening after you have already shown it.

Setting/Imagery

*NoteB* You often use strong verbs which add to your imagery. Just make sure you don't bog down your writing with needless adverbs.

Grammar/Mechanics

*NoteB* Your grammar and mechanics seemed pretty sound as far as I could tell. You have a few typos and the use of capitalization to express extreme emotion is generally frowned upon. Use exclamation marks once in a while, but otherwise you can rely on the situation to express its own intensity.

Ending

*NoteB* Typically for a story to feel satisfying the protagonist must face a challenge and undergo a change. Your protagonist faced a challenge in crashing his vehicle. His epiphany, however, is about how his daughter should change and not how he should change. This made me feel like he didn't really learn anything from the accident. Instead of realizing what he already believed (that his daughter should put up with being embarrassed by his kisses), he might realize that every moment is precious with his daughter and decide not to dwell on her natural desire for independence in front of her peers. Just a thought.



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Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB*They entered the parking lot of her school. Of course there was a line of other parents *XB* These sentences make me think the pair are walking, so it's a little confusing when you follow it with driving.

*NoteB* *XB*Before they got too close to the debarkation point, her father leaned over and said goodbye and waited for is kiss. *XB* typo on "his"

*NoteB* *XB*Sighing he put the truck into drive *XB* Sighing, he put the truck into drive

*NoteB* *XB*Now back to his routine, stop and get some gas, then find a coffee shop. Drink some coffee, get a little caught up with paper work, surf a little and maybe write a little in his journal. *XB* These two lists are a little boring. Better to show than to tell.

*NoteB* *XB*Sometimes he had to walk, or hike on some pretty rough terrain, other times the views were open and looked over vast undeveloped lands filled with rivers and lakes. *XB* no comma after walk

*NoteB* *XB*This particular day, the day when his daughter was too big to kiss her daddy, *XB* you mentioned earlier that "It always hurt a little when she did this", meaning she has not kissed him goodbye before. In that case, why is this day particularly hurtful?

*NoteB* *XB*The stream, small river really, gurgled nicely.*XB* watch out for overloading on adverbs. Strong verbs like "gurgled" don't need them, as they don't add any additional information to the description and adverbs will bog down your wording.

*NoteB* *XB*Well, you know where this going. He considered himself a safe driver *XB* this is the only time the narrator addressed the reader directly and it jars a little because of that.

*NoteB* *XB*O NO! A *XB* you don't need these over the top exclamations before a plot twist. Your reader can tell they are supposed to feel surprised by the plot. If you're trying to express the man's thoughts, you might try placing the "thought words" in italics.

*NoteB* *XB*He felt the anti-lock brakes shutter *XB* shudder

*NoteB* *XB*"Good thing I have the AAA towing package." *XB* This feels like a AAA commercial plug. Most people wouldn't say this out loud by themselves, I would think.

*NoteB* *XB*"Oh my god, what if I really did die because of that? What would happen to her? And she didn't even give me a kiss today." These thoughts gushed from him, and scared him. *XB* italics are better than quotation marks for thoughts, otherwise the reader will think he is saying these words aloud at first. Watch out at the end for over explaining. If you tell us what he is thinking, you don't also need to point out he is thinking.

*NoteB* *XB*Yea, I don't even have a cell phone out here. *XB* Yeah




Overall Opinion

*NoteB* This is a great start, but I think you need to get at the real heart of the message you're sending and express it clearly. You may also want to flesh this out with some characterization to make it more personal. Let me know if you edit and I'll be happy to take another look!





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25
25
Review by Early Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello!

I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today. I came across it using the random review feature. All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions, which I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.

-----
Title

*NoteB* Can I just say, awesome title. I was instantly hooked upon reading it. I love the personification and drama it expresses.

Concept

*NoteB* At first this seemed like a literal poem about someone on a run or a drive outside in autumn, but by the midway point it felt more symbolic. I couldn't quite tell if this was a poem wholly about the symbolism of autumn as the autumn of life, or if it was about someone reflecting on this while literally interacting with nature.

Style/Voice

*NoteB* You have a lot of great imagery. I got an overwhelmingly yellow picture from this poem. you might try adding in some smells and touch just to round out the senses

Structure

*NoteB* You have a consistent, rhythmic structure. Well done!

Ending

*NoteB* "A colder outlook rules my life." The last stanza seems like it has a mixed message. Rules my life seems to portend a life yet to be lived, while the rest of the stanza implies death is near.



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Line by Line Suggestion

*NoteB* *XB*by going on this drive.
I'll run along this path*XB* Is it a drive in a car or a run?

*NoteB* *XB*trees soft yellow 'gainst*XB* 'gainst seems out of place with the rest of the wording

*NoteB* *XB*It is among these things*XB* What things. This feels a bit vague.

*NoteB* *XB*Time to say good bye to those dreams. *XB* goodbye






Overall Opinion

*NoteB* Thank you for the lovely poem, I think it's great! There are only a few parts that snagged a bit for me.




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