Lovely. My only edits would be to take care with the start of each line. For some you have a capital letter in mid-sentence, and for others you don't in mid-sentence, so it's a little confusing to read. Also might want to add a comma after "having a sense of humor," as it is a dependant clause. :) Love the story!
I really do like it, especially knowing the background as I do. :) There are two things you might want to think about changing though, not errors, exactly, but little things that caught my eye.
In the third stanza, the last line doesn't quite stick to the same beat of the rest of the stanza. I would use "and once again, he played." Also, on the last line, you can fit the whole "pa rum pa pa pum" into the line, and as I was expecting the well-known line to be in there, it seemed kind of off that it was different, tho I know you don't write to fit into any box. :)
The fixes are your choice whether you like them or not, either way, it's still a great read! Merry Christmas!
Been there, experienced that, and been completely weirded out that someone else can capture it so well. *hugs* That was both a thank you and a strength giver, you're strong and you can move on from this 'history', I promise you that.
My only edit would be the length of some of the lines. I get the impression this was written more as mind ramblings than as a poem, which I COMPLETELY get, trust me, that's how I write the majority of my own poetry. (Check out my poem "Bad Owners" if you don't believe me. heh.) But take a look at this and see what you think:
Everything I knew, everything I once lived for... None of it matters,
because everything that did matter can no longer be.
You're gone, re-erased yourself from my life once more.
You found a girl, typical, I became invisible...
But it ended, I'm confused, you're still gone, and took a part of me with you.
These empty tears won't change a thing. They won't make you return back into my life.
Things between us may have been strange... Our conversations short
and meaningless, like you were just trying to fill in a gap, trying to keep contact...
To show you're still a friend.
But, how can you be a friend now?... How can I trust you?
I can't... I'm not giving you another chance... I won't take that risk. I've been hurt too much.
I can't, no... I WON'T let you hurt me again.
Goodbye and farewell, my dear history.
Only opinion hon, do as you wish, it was obviously good enough to begin with to grab my attention. :)
Chills. That pretty much says it all. There are a few typoes (near the beginning you've got a started "italicize" that isn't closed properly and doesn't show properly because of that, and perhaps a paragraph or two that isn't entered right), but other than that, well worth a definite 5.0 in my book. :)
I love the imagery in this, but there are some things that just throw me off. For one, the way you start the poem with a very strong feeling of structure that leads one to expect rhyme, then suddenly falling sideways into complete freeverse... Then suddenly you're back into rhyme and structure in the last stanza. It throws the reader off. You may have intended this effect (what with the rippling waters, etc.), but effects should be used to enhance poetry, not to make it difficult to read.
You misspelled quicksilver, and I would suggest either putting a comma after "encases", or changing it to "encased," because when the speaker puts it all together, "Cold, cold stones within a heartbeat smoothened by constant duress wear away at what encases exposing secrets, now as one," it becomes confusing and takes away from the beautiful imagery you've created.
All that said, it really is some beautiful imagery, and I can see the rippling water and the stones beneath, so a wonderful start. :) ~EarthenAura
Paragraph 2: ...it was if they pulled at him ----it was -as- if they pulled at him
Paragraph 3: ...one by Andre Kertsz seemed to stay ----- needs a comma after Kertsz
P 4: ...stated merely, that the author ----- no comma necessary after merely
P 5: People's expressions ------ Peoples' expressions
P 7: ...he, himself, was not a ----------- he himself was not a...
P 8: Little comments, or, as she sometimes would, going on ad nauseum -----------Little comments, or sometimes she would go on ad nauseum... (This one is just a little bit of a run-on sentence, hence the rewrite)
P 9: ...like an old picture left too long in the sun..--------- 3 dots or 1 at the end, but not 2.
P 12: ...and tied with twine . with a multitude-------------- an odd period in there... meant to be a comma?
Otherwise, an interestingly touching story with an odd twist, although in the title, you would almost expect more retrospect about said 'invisible man'. I liked it. :) Thanks for a good read!
It would be an understatement to say there are tears brimming over. *sniff* That was so... I can't even think of what to describe it as. Especially because who I am. Thanks for writing this.
Hehe, this poem gave me a good giggle, thanks! :) My only reasoning for knocking down half a point is that it doesn't quite flow quite right for me from line to line rhythmically as I read it in my head and aloud, but on the other hand as I read it syllable for syllable, it reads better, but I tend to read words for the way they sound. That's just my opinion, and please don't take anything you don't want from it, because as I said, your poem brought me a good giggle, and that's a good thing to do. :) Keep writing and rising! ~EarthenAura
*sniff* This one had me with misting eyes. The first stanza didn't quite hit it for me, but everything after that just made my heart well up and I felt the pain at the thought of a son growing up without his father, and his grandfather visiting the grave. Very well written from the second stanza on. I'm sorry to say that I can't quite put my finger on how I would improve the first stanza, because it's a necessary part of your poetry. All I can say is that I didn't feel the heart-wrench from that first stanza and was almost surprised at the feeling within the second stanza and onward. I know that's not very helpful, but know that you touched my heart and I feel for the boy and his grandfather. Keep writing, and rising!
I loved this! I also entered this contest, but I think your work far outdid mine. My only complaint, as much as I love the whale-fin shape, is the whale-fin shape! It's a wonderful work of art among a wonderful written work of art, but the problem is that in the attempting to read your incredible writing, the shaped aspect of it actually makes it more difficult to read, and thus takes away from your effort as a writer. Aside from that though, this was an incredible piece, and even though I think the tail makes it difficult to read your tale, I wouldn't get rid of it either. *lol* I also loved the rhyme within the structure. Keep writing, and rising!
Oh this was so cute! My favorite line was the last one, saying it was a gardenia, it put a smile on my face and even made me giggle! I do have a bit of confusion though. Did this flower's journey start as a seed, or as a fully-grown flower? I think it went from flower to seed (kind of like dandelion fluff) and then landed and grew into a new flower, and then was re-potted next to a zinnia, am I right? *lol* Either way, an adorable work, and an easy smile. Thanks, and keep rising...er, writing! :)
Oh I absolutely loved this! An absolutely fantastic take on the tale, and so much more fun! And I agree, wolves are so much smarter than pigs. *lol* Thanks for a huge smile and a great read, and thanks to the runner of the contest for mentioning this to read! :D Keep writing!
Whoa, creepy ending to that one. 0.0' It's interesting how you've got that choppiness you generally want to avoid for the 100 word stories, yet you make it work FOR you instead of against you! It's more like he's reading off a checklist than actually speaking. The only part that stopped me was the line, "said man for recorder." Because it isn't a part of the spoken monologue, it just sounds choppy and out of place with everything else that fits so well. Perhaps you could say "he recorded on tape" or something like that. My favorite part is the ending: "Target achieved. Floating in space? Earth gone. Out planet has no future." CREEPY! Write on, and good luck in the contest too!
Beautiful imagery, I can imagine diving into the caribbean and the experience. My only reason for the 4.5 is because to me there was so MUCH description, so many twisty turny words, that they fight with themselves for your attention. Otherwise, an amazing story told with poetry! I love it!
ARGH! I was teary eyed and had total shivers from the third paragraph on, but the first two paragraphs were so hard to get through I nearly stopped reading, and that is so frustrating because I would have missed out on an amazing story! As I often tell my reviewees, try reading them aloud to yourself. If you can't read them without stumbling, they need some work. Otherwise, though, I suddenly want a prism very badly. *sniff* No grammatical errors that I could find, and aside from those first two paragraphs, a truly wonderful story!
This is an interesting bounce from one extreme to another, where first Nature is a vengeful woman who is heartless and cruel, and then she's suddenly providing cleansing air and a colorful world called home. It's such a contrast it's almost like being hit upside the head with it, yet it works. I chose a 4.5 because in the reading of it it did not flow very smoothly for me, halting enough in some spots that I had to reread the line to continue with the poem. This is difficult to describe, so I will just suggest that you to read your own poem aloud to yourself, and perhaps you will see what I mean. :) Otherwise, good poem, love the contrast! Keep writing! :)
Unpleasant chills. That pretty much says it all. Only one edit, about five sentences in, you have a capitilized "He" as the second word in a sentence. I would just combine the two sentences into one, creating, "He was following in the footsteps of his forefathers, and he could not wait for his baby boy to grow up a bit so he could take him along and train him, just as his father had trained him when he was only a little child."
Otherwise, some of the wording seemed a bit blocky, in that as I read it it didn't quite flow as smoothly as it might have. Rather than listing every instance, I would just suggest reading your story aloud to yourself, and you should hear it yourself. :)
An otherwise an amazing story, even depressing though it is. Keep writing!
I'm not sure of the name of the movie this reminds me of, but all I can see is someone stuck inside their monitor, banging on the glass and trying to get out, only to not be heard by the husk left behind, sitting at the computer and blindly giving bad poetry five stars. *lol* I love it!
An interesting concept, but your poem type scheme was all over the place. Was it meant to rhyme, and if so, in what order? Those couplets that did rhyme threw me off because some rhymed within the couplet and some rhymed with the next couplet and some didn't rhyme one way or the other. I suppose it's personal preference, but if you're going to write poetry, you should choose one or the other, or start one way and end the same way with a variance in the middle, but changing the style entirely halfway through makes it difficult to read.
Aside from the awkwardness there, though, I was interested in what you were writing about in general. Who exactly is the 'golden one'? Is it a particular goddess, perhaps from Greek mythology? Perhaps explaining something to that effect either within the poem or in the title would add to it as well. :)
It's a beautiful idea, but it just leaves so many questions. Is this a short story, or the beginning of a long one? It doesn't quite seem to fit into the short story category to me, but it could with some tweaking. In another way it would also be interesting to see where it goes in a longer story. I suppose what I really want to know is, what was the original intent?
On the other hand, the description was very clear, I could see the grey eyes and the wings and the crying man in the cold. Very nice. :)
I love the concept, but the follow-through needs a little work. My biggest issue was that I had to read it twice to figure out if the 'girl' was a human girl or a wolf girl. There is a slight readability problem with your sentence structure. "She could have of course, used magyk, but she..." would have been easier to read as "She could have used magyk, of course, but she...". Also, although technically correct, the phrase "she knew she could not risk getting seen" might read more smoothly as "she knew she couldn't risk getting seen," simply because that's the way people tend to talk. That last one's only my personal opinion tho. :) Otherwise, great start to a story, and I'm curious to read more! :)
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/earthenaura
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 7:13am on Dec 27, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
