I'm liking the scenery and location description. I'm liking the character introductions and background briefs, it gives each their own identity allowing readers to choose whom they will relate to.
I'm not liking why you chose not to do the same with Alaerin and Keldarin, however it does single them out, enhancing their mysterious persona and contributing to the story's suspension.
Again my only issues are the lack of detail. Why does Alaerin desire this statue so immensely? What powers or abilities does it possess? I'm sure as the story develops you will answer these, but a little bit of insight would greatly help. The object is to create anticipation and not come across as beating around the bush. Alaerin's ulterior motives could be elaborated on, disguising them within his portrayed concern. Keldarin is a very mysterious character. I sorta torn between whether or not you should describe a little bit about his origins and past. Either way has its benefits. I think it would do well to offer a little more information. One thing that does help is the fact that the chapters are so short and straight to the point, that I would keep reading because I would of flew through the prologue and first chapter within minutes.
I really don't like the brevity of this piece. It reads like a history book. This happened then this happened then this happened then this. Especially being that this is the first thing readers will read, entice them with fanciful descriptions of the their environment, current condition, and ambition. You definitely don't want to give away the whole book here, but some history would be nice. A brief touch on how & why the characters are where they are would allow readers to identify with the characters, create bonds, and keep their attention. It's still very suspenseful. I was pissed when all the characters died, in the sense that I was already rooting for them. After all they've been through, arrows in the dark took them out. It is a great way to start off the book, with an ending, that way it keeps the pages turning.
The modification I would make would be something like this:
Instead of, 'Four adventurers trudged on through the gloom of the night...They had been in the wilderness for a month now, far longer then expected...' I would say,
'Trudging through the murky undergrowth and thick forest ground cover this most unlikely band of fighters unified by their single desire, survival, dragged through the thickets and thorns seeking escape. Two Dwarven warriors, an Elven mage, and a human bowman, who found each other by the most interesting of circumstances slowly navigated the foggy expanse. They had already been in these woods far longer than they had ever imagined they would be. Retreating into this vast landscape of nature's undisturbed growth was their only option or face devastating defeat and death. They figured they were the only to survive but as they marched that feeling of elusion slowly grew into despair. The trees seemed to stretch on forever. The edge of this wilderness, which in their eyes would mean guaranteed safety and return home, seemed unattainable. Still, they trekked.'
Of course, I haven't read any of the following chapters so some details might need to fine-tuned but I think you get the drift.
Good Story. Good story. It is very funny and has alot of sideways humor as the character recounts something I think we all can relate to, the inevitable job search. It is a very quick read. It reads like the speaker was simply recounting these events into a voice
recorder then translated them to paper.
Mostly evident by the lack of traditional storyline concepts; introduction, problem/dilema, triumph/failure, conclusion. It this were intended on being a short story, I would like to see more plot development to heighten the suspense and anticipation as the piece builds. At every avenue to create an intrigue, you let us off the hook. For instance, the mention of the lump. I think that would have been a great story builder, allowed for interesting character insight and interaction, however you alleviated that by the next sentence. Also, the characters attraction to the White Plains neighborhood might have an acceptable route to build a story around. Will they get the loft?/Won't they? Will they get job?/Won't they? But the story leaves those questions unsatisfied. The characters simply leave heading back towards Indiana. Lastly, the contrast of the character's bus station experiences might of made for good reading. Sort of foreshadowing the failure of the job hunt. We went to NY without a job and left still jobless and left the filthy Philadelphia station only to return to the same abode. I think it makes for an interesting parallel and metaphor of the current state of the character's life. Also, the paragraph structure contributes largely to the idea of this being a journal entry or something like that.
I don't think by itself it makes for spectacular reading, however, it would make for an excellent chapter in a novel. All you would have to do is elaborate a little more (too thicken up the pages). Maybe building on the metaphor of the different stages of the character's life being like the various bus stations.
The song is great! I've never thought of writing a song where the verses repeat. It's very inspirational. I would only add more to the final chorus, like a bridge for instance, something to break the repetitiveness but that's about it. The reminds me of Tim McGraw's "She's My Kind of Rain" or at least the way he sings the hook. Good Job
this song is beautiful, i can already hear it with the music playing, and a sweet sultry contemporary singer in the style of Alanis Morissette's "Ironic" or Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats".
I love the flow and pace of the song. I like the disparity in the first verse. It nicely set the mood and creates a tone for the song. It paints the picture of having acknowledging mistakes, accepting responsibility, and deciding to rectify them.
I like the chorus. The only change I would make, if it were my song, instead of saying, 'the past is gone, the present strange' i would word it something like, 'the past is gone, it's the present day'. To me this re-emphasizes the idea that the singer is currently at the pivoting point and making up her mind as the song goes on, that the past is the past, now is the opportunity for change, to effect the future to come.
honestly, im not a fan of the second verse. the beginning is very abstract with lines like 'worthless soul in mine own eyes', 'emptiness is my friend.' Makes the song which is otherwise rather concrete a little to "deep" for my liking. i think the first half of the second verse simple needs some wordage changes, bring it to a less abstract level.
the third verse beautifully captures the songs message. 'my time is now, decision's made, to walk away from this charade' i think those lines eloquently express the fortitude and dedication necessary to challenge life head on. The only thing I would alter so that the triumphant theme of the third verse continues is the line, 'to break free from this present lie' It confuses me, it introduces uncertainity and doubt and also contrast with the dedication expressed through the previous verses and chorus. I would say something like, 'i think i can, i know i'll try, the wrongs i've done to make them right' that better describe the singers new found will and desire, at least it does for me.
overall i think the song is great and i would love to hear the finished record after its produced.
the lyrics are great, beautifully written, however i'm having trouble understanding the flow of the song. where does the chorus? which stanzas are verses? but the good thing about it is that's the easy part, arranging the song? the hard part, writting, is dond, and done well i might add.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 10:11pm on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
