First of all, I would like to say if I mention a grammatical error, it must be pretty bad. The reason being is I am pretty bad at remembering the rules and proper punctuation myself. I look for flow continuity character development content and things like that.
o The title- simple and straight to the point :-} The story line flows into it and the ending screams it. No inconsistencies here so that is good. Problem is it lacks any kind of imagination. That in itself is not bad just something to think about.
o Characters- Telling a story from shifting points of view can be tricky but useful in telling a good story. The opposing characters perspectives can help in fleshing out the details without seemingly putting them in the omniscience god mode. Since we know, nobody knows every thing bringing the other character perspective can bring out details that normally should not be there if it only has one narrator. This you seem to try to do but….. The characters lack any character definition. Gabriel seems to be the main narrator and this was done well. She shows her pain and gives reason for her leaving in detail. Simon seems to match her statements and add no new perspective. It’s like he is a male Gabriel. He has no defining descrip-tion of his own. Gabriel: I have sacrificed so much of myself for you and you can’t see it, and if you do see it, you don’t give a damn. Simon: He knew that she had tried to talk with him, make him listen to her but he just didn’t listen. It seems wordy and repetitive. No fresh insight giving. Who is the protagonist Gabriel, Simon or both of them? Who is the antagonist? We assume it Simon but if that is true then why doesn’t he have at least a lame excuse for being a butt hole. He just echoes Gabriel all the way unto his epyinany . He does not even battles with his own conscience he just agrees with what she has already said about him. The only actual struggle he has is rather or not his should talk to her when she comes to pick up the car and even that is feeble. In addition, the changing narrators seems to come to swiftly. It is like hearing both sides of a phone conversation but being in one place at a time and blinking back and forward. Maybe if the dialogue happens from one perspective at a time it would add more depth. Example Let Gabriel tells her story and leave. While Simon is watching her go he can tell the story just as you have him telling it but without interruption and with much introspective. Then it would sound more like this: “I have been waiting for you for two years Simon. Two years, and you still don’t see me. We have lived together, worked together, and I thought you loved me. I have sacrificed so much of myself for you and you can’t see it, and if you do see it, you don’t give a damn. You feel that you have given up so much, bulls***. What you gave up is the lack of responsibility you had before we got together. You didn’t have to do anything. You are your mother’s golden child. You were thirty-five years old, never been married and still living at home. Did you ever plan on growing up?” Gabriel was looking at him, tears spilling from her eyes, “Good-bye Simon” she said. She kissed him one last time, and then she turned, picked up the bag that she had packed earlier that day and walked out of the front door. Looking at her right now Simon could see her heart breaking he swore that he could almost hear it and Simon knew that this was his fault. he never realized the pain that she had been feeling. He knew that she had tried to talk with him, make him listen to her but he just didn’t listen. Looking back at things now, he just didn’t listen and now here she was, the woman that he loved and who had loved him and treated better than anyone whom he had ever known, was about to walk out on him, on them and he didn’t know what it would take to make it right with her.
o Story depth- The story is too predictable. Girl loves guy, guy hurts girl, girl leaves guy, guy repents and win girl back. This is not bad itself but give it a fresh twist or and unexpectable event that cause the reunion. Make the reader hate Simon, of feel sorry for him. Make them want Gabriel to never go back even if she does or feel so sorry for Simon they beg her to give him another chance.
This is not a bad story just a story badly told. I know this may seem highly critical but I believe you are a better writer then this. I do not believe you joined a writer’s guild to be average or to get published but to get better. From the title to the end, I knew what to expect. Again this is not bad and happens all the time but how we get there should make us pause. We should love the characters or hate them. We should be able to sometimes even identify with the. Bring your emotion and experiences to the surface and live the ones that work through your characters. Lastly never let a review no matter how negative discourage you. If it's true correct it and move on, if it's false just move on.
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