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191 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am a very dedicated and sensitive reviewer when it comes to short stories and review all aspects of a story (plot, character composition, the nature of the story, core elements, grammar/spelling, general themes, etc.). I tend to read the entire work more than once and try my very best to put myself in both the character's and the author's shoes when reading this story. Authors should expect a total review, in which I point out the mistakes and areas of improvement, but also identify your strongest points in your writing. I specialize in short stories and minor in poetry. I am a bit more costly, but you can expect a solid review in a timely manner (see my previous reviews for examples).
I'm good at...
Short stories (all genres)
Favorite Genres
Fiction (all forms), Dark, Military, and Opinion
Least Favorite Genres
Emotional, Folklore, Gothic, or Religious
I will not review...
Erotica
Public Reviews
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Review of Lullaby  Open in new Window.
Review by Ember Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WYRM  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Today has been tiring, but more emotionally tiring than anything else.
- Try "emotionally exhausting" instead of repeating the word "tiring"

I remember what we were eating for dinner, I remember my wife catching up on the phone with her mother, I even remember the way we laughed after her terrible attempt at humor.
- If the protagonist can remember, then we should have actual examples: dinner items, her mom talking about the vacation, etc., and the specific joke she used, which was a poor attempt to humor

I guess you could call it a disease, which would mean the loss of my sense of security is a symptom.
- Try: "I guess you could call it a disease; the loss of my sense of security being one of the symptoms."

That's what compelled me to join the force.
- As it stands now, what you just described in the paragraph before can't be what compelled the protagonist to join the force. Perhaps the nightmare that keeps haunting them, but I, the reader, don't know what that is yet. This should be explained a bit further, not necessarily revealing what that tragic event was, but separating what you mean.

Avery
- Wife? If so, you placed Avery a tad bit late. Why not key in on her name while you're describing her catching up with her mom on the phone. Calling her Avery after the fact is a bit late.

I got this job partly because of her, and I want to protect her for as long as I can.
- You just previously said that you got the job because of the "disease" and then you ad that she "partly' influenced him to get the job. This needs to be adjusted. Also, protect Avery from what exactly? Surely, every man wants to protect the love of their life. Surely, they don't have to be police officers in order to do so.

A few moments of silence pass, with only the ticking of the clock on the wall to accompany me.
- Is there a significance in this silence? You already mentioned the clock and the protagonist waiting to leave. surely, he's probably thinking to himself already about what he'll do when he gets home, etc. Why these precious moments of silence?

I'm one of the officers in that Squad.
- Instead of the protagonist revealing that he is an officer in that squad, why not use possession in this. Refer to him as HIS commander of the Robbery Unit, that way we know he is part of that unit.

"Hey, good work out there, Connors,"
- This is the first time we figure out the main character's name (thus, why I've been using "protagonist" instead of his name). Try to make that available in the beginning. There is a lot of mystery behind this character by not having his name. Example: is it a man or woman? Having a "wife" doesn't necessarily make him a man.

Krause is an older man of German decent, although he lost his accent a while ago. He's a rather strict commander and doesn't give out compliments lightly.
- Describe Krause before he speaks. This makes the story flow a better. Place this as Connors sees them walking in the door.

You see, a few hours ago, me, the Lieutenant, and a couple of other people from our Squad were the first people to respond to a burglary in a nearby suburban home. A man broke in thinking the place was empty only to find that the family was still inside. Sure, this kind of thing happens from time to time, but this time was different: by the time we arrived, it had turned into a hostage situation. While the Lieutenant called for backup, he told me to confront the perpetrator, assess the situation, and see if he had any demands. But that was not the thing that bothered me; it was the scene of the family that made it seem like I was reliving a nightmare. Maybe it was seeing the tears silently well up in the mother's eyes as she tried to cope with the gun to her head; maybe it was because their dad was almost shot as he told his kids everything would be alright, when his words did not come from his heart. Whatever it was, it was something I keep wishing I could forget. It did not take too long to detain the man with the family unharmed, so when we returned, we were rewarded with smiles and pats on the back. As if this unrequited gratitude is enough to outweigh the field work.
A couple things with this:
- "me, the Lieutenant, and a couple of other people from our Squad" should be switched to "The lieutenant, a couple squad members, and I..."
- Where did this robbery take place? Was it in the US? I'm finding it difficult to believe this, since there is a high percentage of guns in the civilian force for this EXACT reason.
- How does one man hold an entire family hostage? Assuming it was a family of at least three people (husband, wife, and child), one man with a gun can't hold everyone hostage...right? Also, if they were held hostage, how did Connors and his men hear of the robbery?
- Is this how hostage situations work? They send one police officer to hear the demands?
- How was this conflict resolved? If Connors is giving us some backstory as to what had happened (and how this event reminds him of the unknown, past event that continues to haunt him), surely we will be looking for every detail we can get to try to figure out what this tragic event is. Don't cut us short.

I turn off the lights to the Video Surveillance Room to get a better view of the screens.
- We are missing the setting until this moment. I can assume that he's in an office of some sort, but I don't know for sure. I surely didn't expect him to be in a surveillance room. If you want to not give it away, describe the room and the monitors. Maybe Connors watched the reflection of the monitors off of his badge. Perhaps instead of Krause knocking, him and his commander flipped on the lights and then said their words.

I watch as my friend Chris, prepares to walk into a room where another man--Thomas, I believe--is sitting
- This is a first person POV, so uncertainty should be reduced (if not eliminated). Especially if this is a police officer; he should know who he is monitoring.

I watch as my friend Chris, prepares to walk into a room where another man--Thomas, I believe--is sitting. Chris and I joined at about the same time. Since we were both new, and because he was so easy to talk to, we bonded rather quickly and remain close friends to this day. Although I made some other friends here during my career, Chris is the one that I associate myself with the most.
- Note of Chris' introduction and the placement of his description as well as his relation to Connors. This is placed correctly. Try to copy what you did here with Avery and Krause.

Is Thomas the armed robber that unsuccessfully held the hostage situation? Until we get to: "I would be down there and watch the interview in person with the few others who have nothing else to do, but after that hostage situation earlier today, I feel like I need some space to myself," I assumed Thomas was the armed robber. This should be adjusted.

I get lost in thought for a few minutes, so I am startled when Chris appears at the doorway to the room I'm in upstairs.
- What thoughts? We are Connors, so we should know what these thoughts are.

"Well I wouldn't take it that far, but thanks for that mental image though," I comment. "Anyways, aren't you supposed to be getting ready for the interrogation?"
- Interrogation? Why not debrief?

"Yep. But I thought I might just check on you before I do, and, you know, ease my curious mind."
- What is Connors giving away that his coworkers are seeing concern? First Krause, not Chris. Connor's reserve isn't enough to inflict this many concerns.

"Another one of those days?" He asks, taking note of my growing distance from the conversation.
- For a "best" friend in the workforce, Connors sure has a way of showing it. Part of me wants to believe that how Connors is acting would move to get him removed as a police officer on grounds of emotional instability.

especially when it has a taste so familiar it becomes almost bland.
- Why not sour? Repulsive? Why bland if it causes pain and regret?

I swivel my chair back to the monitors.
- We never got that the chair was rotated toward the door in the first place.

But what I do see is that he seems despondent and detached from what is happening.
- Perhaps Connors sees some of Thomas' detachment and then thinks of his own distancing efforts?

He does not make eye contact with the officer, and he sounds almost as if he's talking to himself. "Ok . . . my children . . . Jessica and Andrew . . . they asked to play outside in the backyard, they loved playing out there, and I told them they could. After that, I went to my room to work on paying our bills . . . It was hours later and I would've expected them to be inside by now . . . I looked out the back window, wondering if they were still playing tag like they tend to do, but they weren't there . . ."
- Who pays bills for hours?

He began to drift off, seemingly lost in thought.
- Connors is making assertions on third person omnipotent POVs can identify. If anything, Connors should speculate this, but it would be difficult for him to do so because of the camera quality.

I feel a wave of goose bumps run up my body when I hear that. I search through my mind, trying to formulate any guesses about the perpetrator, but come up with nothing useful.
- How could Connors? He's listening in through surveillance with an ineffective mic? He doesn't even have Chris' notes on him.

On the screen, I'm surprised to see Chris pull out his pistol from its holster and shoot multiple times at something outside of the room.
- Wasn't there a police officer behind the mirror? Shouldn't they have detected the threat first? Also, it's customary that those windows be bulletproof...how is Chris shooting through it?
- Connors is in the video surveillance room...surely one of those monitors should see what Chris is shooting at.

He looks away and desperately drags himself towards the exit on his left, that is, until the door shuts closed and locks.
- I'm not getting a description of what is doing these actions. Chris' neck is broken before Connors' very eyes. Thomas is crying in the corner as this is happening? What/who breaks Chris' neck? What is closing and locking the door (or rather, what opened the door in the first place)? How can Connors see that the door is being locked? You have some great action and suspense going on here, but it's lost without details. I need more!

I stare at the blank screen. In fact, all of the screens are blank. I'm breathing fast. I feel sweat on my face. My rapid heartbeats become thunder in the silence.

[Break] A civilian is being questioned (not interrogated) about his missing children (and his dead wife?). He screams in terror? Chris identifies the threat and draws his weapon. Shots are fired. Thomas is violently killed after Chris' neck is broken. In this instance, Connor's is in the position of seeing everything in the building because he happens to be in the video surveillance room. He should be seeing other officers reacting to the shots being fired or this threat entering the building, at least. I can justify Connor's focus on that ONE screen because of Thomas' erratic behavior, but when that camera goes out and ALL of them go out afterwards, this isn't believable.

I stare at the blank screen. In fact, all of the screens are blank. I'm breathing fast. I feel sweat on my face. My rapid heartbeats become thunder in the silence.
- Perhaps he's in shock, but if Connor's just saw that and then sees that all the monitors have lost connection, shouldn't he try to flee immediately? Or at least draw his gun?

My head jerks towards it, and its hands are frozen at five o'clock PM. I stand up, breathing faster and irregular. What the hell is this? I think. I turn towards the open door where Chris stood not too long ago and begin to walk out. What the hell what the hell what the hell! Haven't the other officers seen that? Why isn't anyone doing anything? I don't hear anyone doing anything. It's all gone silent. I have to get home. I have to get home now! Avery. . .
- Is Connors thinking this? Speaking aloud?

My thoughts stop at the same time as my feet do. I tense, watching in horror because no one is in the room outside. Before, there were plenty of people at their desks, receiving calls, and doing work on their computer.
- This would be more effective if you describe Connors walking through this room to get to the video surveillance room instead of stating it to the reader and then immediately changing it.

A dark shadowy figure with glowing yellow eyes.
- Surely Connors is armed. Why is his weapon not drawn yet, especially if he just watched an officer and civilian get murdered? There is a danger in the building. Surely, Connors would have at least drawn his weapon in order to protect himself, at least!

That thing now stands inside the doorway.
- How did Connors transition from the office back to the surveillance room? Is there another way out?

With its head cocked to the left, and a wide unsettling smile on its face.
- How can it smile if there are no facial features, except for the eyes?

This is an interesting read, but it does have some areas of improvement. The flow of this story is my main concern, as it reads choppily and with too many interruptions (last-minute inclusion of details, misplaced descriptions, etc.). The bigger issue of this is that fact that Connor's in haunted by something in his past (if not depressed by it). At first, it appeared that the story revolved around that, but instead, revolved around this murder and the mystery behind it. With that being said, his past and his reasons for joining the force really have no bearing on the story and the story would not be harmed if all of that was removed from this piece. I'm not sure if that was your objective or if I missed some vital information, but I read over this twice. I would look into this again and further develop the setting and your story flow. Your action will follow and so will your readers!

Good job. Looking forward to seeing what this becomes!


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Review of Brightly Burns  Open in new Window.
Review by Ember Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is a good work, as it serves as a nice introduction to, what I would assume, to be a larger work. I like the imagery and the immediate action, as you prologue fragments of an asteroid reaching Earth, and right after, chaos ensues. Below are some ideas to take this piece to the next level.

"A small asteroid burns brightly as it descends through our ozone." I know you are taking a separation between the introduction and the story, but when you use "our," I expect a first person POV. Replacing "our" with "Earth's" will fix this.

I like the sequence of events that unfolds as the dust of the asteroid pierces the atmosphere. The dog goes insane and birds begin to attack the car? I assume that this is a global phenomenon. Why not incorporate fragments of other events, either before you introduce Arthur and Sophia's family, or during the animal frenzy. Why don't they see an innocent biker behind assaulted by a number of neighborhood cats (if they are in a neighborhood)? Or bats come out during the day and attack other innocent bystanders? Also, if this virus frenzies animals, why are they not attacking each other?

Seeing the blood and gore and the branch pinning the other child's score, I recommend you raise the rating to 18+ *insert a "oh my virgin eyes!" quote*

Please eliminate the "drip, drip, drip," as it is unnecessary. A simple "blood dripping..." will suffice.

I like how the dog, even after being severely injured, is still after Sophia. This shows just how deranged the virus can make an animal, and it helps maintain the "horror" of this story.

Dialogue. Why does this piece seem very silent? You depict everything well, but readers can get a lot more about the characters through the words they speak and the actions the do. I get a lot from Arthur's actions of killing his own dog to protect his sister, but why are there no words? No calls for help? Why is there no crying as they come out of the car or innocent calls to Dad, who is dead and Mom who is bird food? No reassurance from big brother (I'm unsure if he's older, as I don't have an age or any information to guess their ages)? Also, I assume that this virus maddens all animals. How are they in the middle of the forest and it is silent? Shouldn't they hear screams or panic or pandemonium from the area they just drove off the road from?

Alas, when Sophia and Arthur reach the point of where the crash was, we get a glimpse of the setting: the middle of nowhere. This answers some questions, but if that's the case, why would Arthur and Sophia willingly climb up the cliff side when they could venture into the woods and, hopefully, into a small town where they can call for help? What made those decisions?

Good work. Looking forward to reading more of your awesomeness!!!


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Review by Ember Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Good evening Miss Grey, my apologies for just getting to your review. The post-holidays have been a bit hectic, but was finally able to dedicate a few hours to your work. Overall summary: a very detailed-rich and emotional piece and you've done a very good job of expressing all of your characters' dynamics as well as their nature. There are always areas of improvement, but we will get to those further in this review. Let us begin:

The three paragraphs introduce V and her precious Aida. V's actions and thoughts seem very accurate and real, but at times, it can go a bit more than what the reader would consider to be real. V first spots Aida in a dining hall and that is when you describe Aida's effect on V, where she is captured by her beauty and nature. But then she never sees her until two years later, which is unclear as to how or why this had occurred. You have done a marvelous job of describing V's thoughts and emotions, but it cost you some of the setting. Not the surroundings that V is ignoring while trapped in a muse, but what dining hall? Until later, the setting is still unclear to me and what could possibly come forward from eh setting to cause something that V has experienced, the sudden MIA of Aida.

Also, V's nature is still unknown to the reader, so any evidence you give to the reader will be snatched up. The word "carelessly" is used to describe Aida talking to her friends in a cafe that V works at (If she works here, it took two years for her to try out this cafe)? Carelessly seems a bit aggressive, almost stalker-ish. I would use something different, perhaps "innocently."

When Aida leaves the cafe, V comes to examine the glass with the lingering lipstick left on the rim. How does V come to the realization that she loves Aida, a woman that she hasn't shared a single word to yet?

Please note that the following three paragraphs only go into further detail about V's feelings for Aida, the Unknown. In addition, it is only after those three paragraphs that I get a concrete piece of evidence of the setting: Berlin. Disregarding Joseph's entrance (we will get back to that in a bit), you miss out on a golden opportunity to tell us more about V, as you even state that the relationship between V and Joseph is not because of the absence of words, but they often had too much to say. This should have been reflecting to the things they may talk about, highlighting their relationship while also identifying who V is in this story.

In the beginning of Joseph's introduction, it is displayed as if this is a friendly relationship, not platonic. Te later actions of eating jelly doughnuts, getting drunk, and making out seems otherwise. Perhaps it is the error of the reader, but you even state that V was surprised of this outcome. Why would you put her in a situation like this? Would it not conflict with the infinite butterflies she gets from Aida? In addition, if V had prepared herself for the outcome of her and Joseph kissing, why would she react so defensively, to a point of even pitying him of his entire life?

This story takes an interesting turn as V continues to internally debate her affection for the mysterious Aida. Even after conversing with Joseph, V seems unclear of her true emotions as well. The story takes another turn further into the history of Berlin and the events at Bagheera. However, this is where I become lost in the story, as when Mark shows them the place, the story of how V can see and understand what real pain is. Perhaps this is tied to the possible metaphor of Aida's effect on V, but it was roughly done. I would develop more of this transition, so it does not confuse the reader.

Great story, great language, and you did and absolutely wonderful job of paining this work with emotions and actions that make your characters seem real. If you further develop your structure, this will be a great piece. Good luck!


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Review of Ashes to Ashes  Open in new Window.
Review by Ember Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Ashes to Ashes is a very well-written and interesting piece regarding the sudden combustion of Lily and Jake's sweet and innocent Grandma Bella. This is a very smooth and simple short story and although I don't know the constraints of the story, I don't feel that the story was cheated or cut short in order to make a word count. Some grammatical errors exist, but the story flows rather well.

Seeing that the main issue at hand is not the family structure or the history of the setting (which is a bit unclear to me), I would wrap all of the family history and physical traits of Lily and James into one paragraph instead of separating them into separate paragraphs, as this reads a bit choppy and can consume space and words. Give us a general outline and unless Jake's daring or the cousins' similar red hair is something critically important, I would wrap it all into one simple paragraph. In this paragraph, I would also further explain the setting. Is this based off of a specific location or terrain? If so, what is it based off of? I got a feel for Maine or anywhere in the New England area, but I'm unsure.

Lily, James, and the others take the boat across the bay. This boat was first described as a lobster boat and then appears as a whaling boat? I'm positive I may have missed this transition, but I re-read over it and couldn't find it, so I would review the wording and positioning.

From the moment you described the odor fuming from the already-open door of Grandma Bella's house, I could already assume that Grandma Bella was dead. If you don't want the reader to make such a quick assumption, try to slow down the pace a bit. Instead of immediately smelling that odor, have them knock on the door and get no reply. Instead of the door being opened, why not leave it unlocked. This way it seems more natural and doesn't seem too obvious. In addition, why was the door left open? I understand that this is a paranormal short story, but ghosts don't open doors and this is a bit cliché.

Why is the Professor a coincidental expert in Spontaneous Human Combustion? Is that what he taught at the major university? Since the professor enjoys reading books, why not have him mention that he read a book on it once instead of appearing as if he mastered in Spontaneous Human Combustion. In addition, if you do give the Professor such a superb amount of knowledge on such a rare and unknown topic, don't have him scream in fear as his wife falls victim to it.

In the ending, we get another coincidence of now the world falling victim to these now rampant Spontaneous Human Combustion cases. Unless this is a metaphor that the world if going to Hell (and in a very creative way), I would flip on the news to see that perhaps another happened. Say, a person was driving and burst into flames and caused a car accident, and this reached global attention (maybe video evidence, if it exists in this setting). And mention that the world is finding evidence of other cases; don't throw he world into immediate panic and chaos.

Great story. Looking forward to seeing it advance!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by Ember Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very interesting piece, enough to spark a sense of urgency and wanting for the reader to keep moving on. You've created a great piece of work here, enough for me to speculate and demand more of this. This piece is great as it stands now, but there is always room from improvement.

The flow of this piece is too static: the professor said x. His colleague said y, Add some more actions in this. What of their tones? Body language? You mention a number of aspects in regards to Don's anxiety towards the situation when first letting Professor Grail into the satellite observation post, but nothing of Professor Grail. Surely, he'd be excited or scared. Add more of this in your dialogue so it reads more descriptively.

A red explosion flashes in the sky and attracts the city's attention and the CCC immediately replies that it's harmless. How would they "know" so quickly? Such a reaction is unreal, as it almost seems rehearsed. And how did no one else aside from the CCC and the scientists not get better insights on this subject? Surely, someone had to be driving a hovercar or something close to the vortex. In addition, Professor Grail suspects that something is wrong and that it immediately corresponds to one of his "theories." Why would he not have the materials necessary to do his own further research?

If the CCC is hiding the information of the vortex, then why are they allowing scientists to openly come in and out of the observatory without any form of clearance. Professor Grail got through almost every security protocol (including getting to the Phoenix Blaze) with the use of Don's presence. If something was this secret, it's not feasible to believe that they will let him get this far.

Good story and it sparked a lot of interest. Keep up the good work!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by Ember Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Another piece well done, sir. You have done a great job at painting the picture and setting the scene for death and its effect on families. It's very well put and it's language and flow is more improved from the last piece I revised (I assume you wrote this piece later). I also admire how you've created the explanation of the main character's mother as well, although it was very close to third person omnipotent at times. Sure there is no real first-person way to describe how the main character describes their mother, but it was successful and helped me understand the piece. Now let's talk about possible improvements.

First thing, who is the main character? We know he's relatively the youngest, but who is he (name-wise)? Have someone call out to him so the reader can translate "I" into the main character. In addition, I suspect that this piece is NOT related to the first piece I reviewed. Is this correct? If not, that leaves an opening for a whole NEW set of information.

The main character's senses of smell, lighting, and emotional block is very precise and exact and this is highlighted every time he enters his grandfather's room. But as soon as he leaves, it almost feels as if his nose and eyes no longer exist because I get no contrast. Was the overall feeling warmer (emotional-wise) in the living room or was it just as depressing? Was the main character happy to see some of them or upset? Why? This is information the reader needs to know. Now, in regards to the main character walking into the room, no one should be that emotionless. Who realistically walks into a room with a dying family member and starts complaining about the grandmother wanting to hold her husband? I can understand the "why is it so hot in here" and the other issues, as this points out the main character's concern for the atmosphere that the grandfather is dying in. But as soon as he starts grabbing people and pulling them off of beds and slamming them in chairs, it almost seems that he's so distressed that he's waiting for the old man to die so he can get it over with. Introduce some compassion, even if he's annoyed with his grandmother. Anger and frustration cannot cloud the effect of death.

Grandmother Manda Lynn is the most overly-emotional person I've ever read about. Is this on purpose or just a way the main character is seeing that particular family member? Near-death or not, no one should ever be that clingy to a suffering person. Demonstrate some boundaries; give grandpa some space in his last moments. And Manda Lynn should readily understand this, even if she is about to lose her soul-mate.

The main character's mother is obviously the head honcho of this piece and you explain how she became that way so perfectly. But she falls victim to the same sheer determination and emotionless-ness that her son falls victim to (geez, is it genetic? lol). Her guise and confidence flickers a bit in the end, but only a flicker. It seems a bit unreal to me, even though the main character saw his mother as a daughter for the first time. Add something more, perhaps a tear that leaked through her guise or a moment of disappearance so she can conceal her loss.

Great piece. Emotionally rich and very intriguing as well!


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Review of Boss Hog Family  Open in new Window.
Review by Ember Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is a good first-person narrative. I enjoy the train of thought and the wording and language used to help depict and allude to what Seth Matthews is going through on a normal day. First person is very difficult to write without the protagonist seeming too informative. Your sequence of events seems natural as well as the actions that your characters are doing. With that being said, let's discuss the details on taking this piece to the next level.

Let's start with the basics: what is the significance of the title of this story? Boss Hog family is referred to in this piece one time and it only leaves me a little room to assume about its meaning and relevance. Why was this not called something along the lines of "Taking Grandma to the doctor" or "Why family isn't family?" The Boss Hog part of this is a bit unclear to me, specifically its significance within the story. Elaborate on this a little more.

Seth Matthews' actions and thoughts are well described and laid out in this story and there is no area in this story where I feel otherwise. The flow of this is different though. In the beginning, I understand that Seth obviously doesn't want to get out of bed by how he's describing the effect of the annoying alarm clock. And the reader can also speculate by the noticing of the sun peeking through the blinds that he may be trying to conceal himself from the sun or people or both. But the "Zen mode" research reads a bit unnatural. I understand that you were trying to describe something that the character has done before in order to get them to better understand the character, but it didn't flow proper;y, almost as if the placement was incorrect. It offers great insight on the character and how he thinks, but convey that differently.

The "autopilot" (i.e. knowing when grandma talks and what to say during the right time) is perfect and you've demonstrated that perfectly. Why not add a twist? As he's brushing his teeth, he hears a, "Hello?" through the phone and rushes to spit out the toothpaste before continuing on? This makes it seem a bit more unique instead of cliche. Add in an auto, "How's the cat?" so it seems more genuine.

Grandma is so independent that she refuses any help when getting out of the car, but requires herself to be dropped off directly in front of the door of the store and that the door to the doctor's office has to be opened for her? This seems a bit counter-intuitive. In addition, grandma is so smart that she knows where to be dropped off and how to distribute her drugs, but she doesn't understand that he grandson is ignoring her, that half her family is using her for drugs, and she has no clue about narcotics law? I can understand the logic of, "My pills, my will" (catchy, right? lol), but it's so blatant that it's unbelievable. That part of the family has no car but can walk (unclear) to the doctor's office to get these drugs from grandma? Does no one else see this? Does grandma not find it suspicious that they can't pick her up and drop her off at the doctor's, but every ime she leaves, her (grand)children are asking for drugs? This is a bit odd.

Also, how Seth frames this whole parking slot taken, woe-is-me mentality is a bit predictable. We know that Seth sees these occurrences as something against him, but put a spin on it. Insert a glimmer in hope and have it snatched away as soon as Starr enters the picture. Starr's character is a bit too classical. A family member wandering the parking lot, checking for unlocked car doors and waiting for grandma to leave the doctor's is a bit too much. It's not to say that this doesn't happen, but the way it's portrayed sees a bit too ionic. They to average her character out a bit more to seem more understandable. Don't make your character so repulsive that no one could understand how she came to be or that none of your readers would take pity for them. We understand the main character hates her; don't make the entire world feel that way. In addition, Starr's legal dilemma is a bit ordinary as well. Slipping and falling in an invisible puddle is okay, but Seth describes it as if he was present during this. How does he know the puddle wasn't there? How does he know that there was no wet floor sign? Also, "Superman flies, and she avoids saturation - go figure." Perfect line.

The exchange between Seth and Starr is completely natural and reads perfectly. There are no questions about the relationship between the two, but it also leaves nothing to reflect on. Seth thinks Starr is completely dumb and useless, that is evident. But was their relationship any different before she got pregnant? Before her scholarship? Before grandma got sick/old? Leave some room for the reader to speculate.

Overall, this is a good read. I like the smoothness of it and can't wait to see what it blossoms out to be. Thanks for sharing!


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8
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Review of who am I?  Open in new Window.
Review by Ember Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This is a very different piece compared to what you have been doing in the past. I took the liberty to review your other portfolio items and am comparing it to this in order to best highlight what was done perfectly and what areas need improvement. Overall, this piece has done a lot of good things and also has a lot of room for improvement.

One of the best parts of this piece was the capturing of interest. A number of your pieces dove into the story at a faster pace than usual, but may have lost the effectiveness of keeping the reader interested in the story. At first glance, your piece reads as a jagged series of words that doesn't quite flow well and has little meaning, but after a second review, it appears that those string of words helps create the feeling of uncertainty and regaining knowledge of one's own surroundings. This properly captured my interest, as I admire how the uncertainty of the protagonist is directly related to our unknowing of the story you are trying to tell.

The process or set up of who saw what and how they felt or thought they felt is a bit unclear. The perspective you are trying to create is interesting, almost a bit of a third-person inscribed in a first-person perspective. This itself is interesting to me, and thus, helped me maintain my interest in the story. Now although the interest in the language can maintain the reader's interest, the flow is jeopardized. I can be as interested and dedicated to your story as I want, but if it doesn't flow correctly or confuses me, it will only make your story frustrating to read. Be sure to highlight who specifically is thinking what and how they are doing so. Maybe even add why they are thinking it.

"And it was spreading. The entity that functioned as myself became clearer...no, that wasn't me...was it? Wait...yes...no...What? a second presence...I can feel it now...what are you doing here, entity?...no, it can't understand...it's oblivious of me...wait...I'm feeling again...emotions rushing back to me...happiness, sadness, anger...fear...the other entity, it was full of fear...why? What was it afraid of?" The protagonist is clearly stating this, but are they verbally stating it or thinking it. I would think they are thinking it, a mind simply conversing with itself in order to try to grasp an idea and understanding as to where and what this "entity" is. In bits of this, it also appeared that the entity may have discovered itself. This needs to be better worded or the format should be revised.

You story reads too fast and I feel that, when compared to your other works, this may leave the reader without the full 100% that you were thinking when writing your story. Try to slow it down and add more details to this. I know this is a story inside one's own head and then at a doctor's room or office (perhaps a lab), but the transition is unclear to me. The "waking up" read simply as a changing setting inside Lily's subconscious. Slowing your story down gives the reader a better opportunity to understand your work. In addition, you can afford to describe the doctor, the mom, and dad as well. A better understanding equals a more dedicated reader.

"'o-ok' Lilly said. Tests...something about how he said it didn't feel right...the parents were fine, but...no, no tests." The quotations versus non-quotations can read a bit choppy at times. This will likely be fixed by slowing down your story. Try to utilize italics in order to help better differentiate words for thoughts. And add more character actions, as the dialogue majority cheats the reader of a true setting.

Hope this helps!


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9
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Review by Ember Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a great prospective piece. I like how the setting is quickly set up and that we can feel the mother's anticipation and worry in the beginning. In the end, I also like how her concern slowly fades away just at the note that her son and his friend are still alive and safe on Earth nonetheless (which leads me to believe that there is another planet that life has formed on). I only have two questions: how did the body escape and flee to Earth and why would they make such a drastic change (from one world to another)? Did they dislike their mother THAT much (lol)? Also, how did the astronaut get the tablet notebook and what was stooping the mother from going down there herself after receiving the letter?

Good job again. Keep it up!

***This review is being made as part of "WDC Power Reviewers Group" 's Free-For-All Anniversary Party Raid!


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10
10
Review of The Elevator  Open in new Window.
Review by Ember Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a very well-written piece. I like how the setting was put and how it read so smoothly and captured my interest. Although the beginning information was a bit dis-interesting, it did add up at the end and did not disappoint. I enjoy the reasoning and the character dynamics. I'm not a particular fan of the "character name, age, description" structure, but you incorporated it well. In addition, the way the characters interact with each other feels very natural and real, as if the characters are real themselves or if they are based off of real people. This was done perfectly.

My only objection with this piece is the information we receive. Apparently, Mike and his team went through great lengths to get information on this elevator and its speculated purpose. Why would they suddenly not want to explore more when they are face-to-face with the mystery of their lives. In addition, how can the architectural plans of the elevator be in another country and why? How did they get them. Judging by how this read, I would assume that there was another piece to this story or perhaps it's a chapter to something much larger. Is it? If so, I would make this known in the description.

Great job again!

***This review is being made as part of "WDC Power Reviewers Group" 's Free-For-All Anniversary Party Raid!


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11
11
Review of Crypt Calls  Open in new Window.
Review by Ember Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I really like this piece for the conversation that Ugo is having with himself. I like how he words his thoughts versus how his mind counteracts his thoughtful processes. You also created a very thorough and active setting, as when I first started reading, I was immediately thrown into the chaos that was going through his mind. I also like how the phone is ringing throughout the internal debate and the realization that no matter what he does, he'll likely die. Also, one of my favorite parts of this was the fact that Ugo had gone through EVERY possibility of who could be calling besides the one person he didn't call. Very comical.

This is a creative piece, but there is always room for improvement. For starters, I actually have no idea what happened to John. What happened? Did Ugo kill him (I highly doubt this)? Did SHE kill him? Where/how did he get the news? Was he there? This is just something that, although it doesn't affect my understanding of the story, it bothers me that I don't know. I would clarify this. Also, there are some format issues, as some italics commands are visible. A careful read through will find them.

Great work!

***This review is being made as part of "WDC Power Reviewers Group" 's Free-For-All Anniversary Party Raid!


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12
12
Review of The Artists  Open in new Window.
Review by Ember Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like this story a lot, as it's a new way to display a person's determination to find their loved one(s) in the midst of a nuclear attack. You've done a good job of displaying the intimate connection between Jake and Ellie, more powerful than a brother-sister relationship. I also like how I could feel Jake's will to get to Ellie, as this was a powerful feeling, knowing that Jake was not going to stop until he found Ellie. It was sad that she died, but thus, it is a story.

There are a couple parts of this story that need to be adjusted to appear more realistic. Any nuclear threat to any city in the United States would be acted on immediately, especially if they had suspicions as to how the attack would be carried out. You mentioned that it was "rumored" that a plane was flying along the east-coast. What was done about this? How could terrorists get a bomb and then a plane and then fly it along one of the most secure countries in the world? In addition, news of a nuclear attack on a high-population city like New York would cause mass panic. A story in the newspaper or on the news would be unlikely. Try to make the threat look small and insignificant, as if a terrorist made a claim just before he died. This way, when Jake's boss asks to make an article on the threat, it will appear more real and may worry Jake more.

I can't speak from personal experience (actually, not many may), but a nuclear weapon going off releases a large flash of light, so intense that it can blind people. Mention this, as it's one of the main things that people know about a nuclear weapon going off. In addition, if Jake could see buildings igniting like matches, he would be WAY too close to the epicenter of the blast, especially if many people were still alive and running to the fallout shelters (which should've been heavily populated before the blast). Lastly, how exactly did Ellie die? Blood loss? Radiation poisoning (I doubt this; too quick)? All that's mentioned is that everything was too painful for her to move and Jake felt the same way too. Why did he live and she die?

Adding these suggestions will make the event more real and can add more to the setting, making it a bit more dark and real. Other than that, this is a good job. Keep it up!

***This review is being made as part of "WDC Power Reviewers Group" 's Free-For-All Anniversary Party Raid!


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13
13
Review of The Beginning  Open in new Window.
Review by Ember Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a great piece! I enjoyed the flow and the logic thrown in the analyzing and how you had changed your expectations and intentions over time. In addition, you supplied me with a lot of internal information about the main character in which I was able to fully understand his thoughts, emotions, and his reactions. This is a very analytical piece (I like analytical pieces) and although it may not read as smoothly as others may like, it is done well.

I only have one main concern. We hardly got any internal readings from the other character, the girl. Aside from questions and bodily reactions, we never get to see what she thinks. Is this on purpose? Why not even speculate? Lastly, I would suggest
 A Logic in Shadows Open in new Window. (E)
A logical report on Generation Y's declining social skills and what we can do to fix it!
#1999232 by Ember Author IconMail Icon
as a good read on how to speculate another subject's mind.

Great job again. I look forward to reading more pieces like this!!!

***This review is being made as part of "WDC Power Reviewers Group" 's Free-For-All Anniversary Party Raid!


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14
14
Review of Dead Man's Bride  Open in new Window.
Review by Ember Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is a very good spooky and moral story of greedy and the love for power. The story is very basic and serves to enlighten it reader on the consequences of greed and betrayal and displays that all that is done in darkness will be brought in the light and that one can never outrun or outsmart fate.

There are some grammatical issues where you're missing a letter, but it still is a technical word. In addition, the intentions behind why the princess did or did not want to marry the prince are a bit unclear. It almost seems as if the princess wanted to marry him, but also didn't want top because she felt that she wanted to maintain the control and decision. This should be clarified.

Great job overall!

***This review is being made as part of "WDC Power Reviewers Group" 's Free-For-All Anniversary Party Raid!


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15
15
Review of The Darkest Month  Open in new Window.
Review by Ember Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
The emotions in this piece are very powerful, as I've felt saddened and panicked at the same time. The story was supplied a lot of powerful emotion, so much so that I felt emotionally invested in it. I could feel the disappointment when the main character discovered that their father had continued to drink and smoke, even after going away to college. All the hospital scenes were filled with despair and it almost upset me when I heard the news that the cancer had spread past chemo stage.

One thing to consider is the first person vs. second-person usage points of view. You use a lot of "you" in this piece and although I know that you are not speaking to me, it can be confusing at times. I would watch how you use them and separate it by paragraph in order to help make the story more readable. I'm sorry to hear about this as well and I hope you can overcome your loss.

Good work again!

***This review is being made as part of "WDC Power Reviewers Group" 's *BalloonR* Free-For-All Anniversary Party Raid! *BalloonR*!


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16
16
Review of Aces  Open in new Window.
Review by Ember Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Was Tucker looking for this girl or was it by coincidence that he saw her? Answering this can help the reader understand what you are trying to convey and help relate to Tucker's emotional responses. Also, when Tucker sees this girl, what else does he notice/do? Does he just lock onto her anatomy and appease his physical attraction to her? Does he fantasize about them getting married and them being eternally happy? Does he immediately burn down those ideas because he knows that they are impossible?

The conversation and interaction in this story is bold, but reads inefficiently (in lack of a better word). Statements and expressions blend in with the thoughts and presumptions of the characters.

Example: "'So why are you hiding in the corner and not joining your friends on the floor?' I was eager and her sudden blush made me want to tease her."

Tucker's verbal words don't connect well with the displayed train of thought, as I expect a description of Tucker's body language after he speaks. For example: "'So why are you hiding in the corner and not joining your friends on the floor?' Tucker went to say more, but her blush made him stop." This helps me understand Tucker's train of thought vs. the words said and also helps me gather a better understanding of the character himself. Words and thoughts alone make the character appear more flat and conservative; give us more about his body language.

"'Er, what Bambi, club not in your taste?' This is funny; it’s like her face turned bright red just by me speaking." This is another example how there appear to be two completely different conversations where one's words align and counter one's thoughts. This needs to be adjusted in order to make the story smoother and reduce the chance of confusion.

You did a very good job of depicting the girl's irritation and reactionary body language, as it appears that she's making every attempt to try to deny Tucker any notion that there is some mutual attraction. In addition, Tucker's ability to somewhat read that is also done correctly. The step away after the "let's go upstairs, past the bar" is also done well, as I could feel the defense and loss of hope.

Cue boyfriend saving the day and "that has literally never happened to me before" and this has introduced some flavor of comedy in the story. This is also done well, as I like how the feelings and interactions are now starting to be cohesive as oppose to the earlier part of the story. Again, the thoughts and words still conflict a little, but with revisions and perhaps some italics on the thoughts (this is a structural solution), this can read a lot smoother.

"Amused I studied the table and saw Bambi being patted on the back, so you do have game, sneaky little witch." In this example of your story, I can see no transition between the story description and the thoughts in Tucker's head. I know what you mean because of two or three reviews, but the average reader would be confused by this. Try something like this:

"My eyes focused on the table, amused to see Bambi being patted on the back. I couldn't resist the smirk that rose on my face. 'So you do have game. Touche.'" In this example, you can clearly see what is part of the story and what is being thought/said. Try to mimic this while putting your own spin on things.

I'm seeing a lot of similar examples to these: “'You see those girls at table 6 drinks on the house, the whole night.'” I can tell what is being said to who and I understand why, but the sentence format reads incorrectly. Why not, "You see those girls at table six? Drinks on the house, the whole night."

"Monty looked at me surprised and opened his mouth, but saw the look I gave him and quickly closed it again, he signaled for Jeffrey to give Table 6 a VIP card. I watched as Jeffrey talked to them and all heads turned in my direction. Bambi scowled and Blondie picked up her drink to signal but Bambi grabbed her arm and shook her head while Blondie nodded vigorously, then she looked at me and winked flirtatiously while looking me up and down. Sorry Blondie not you I’m interested in. I needed to make my intentions clear." This is another example of too much going on at one time. This is a common problem with most writers, as we see what is visualizing in our minds and write it down quickly, but others cannot see the full picture that we've depicted. Slow down your writing!!! There is nothing wrong with breaking this segment into more than the four sentences that you've squeezed this into plus some semicolons and perhaps some italics in order to help the reader identify what the character's thoughts are. Also, what is Tucker's position in this club? Owner? Playboy? Owner-playboy wannabe? This is all unclear to the reader, so we have no idea if what he is doing plays a bigger role in this story. Will Tucker get busted and be stuck with a bill? Will Tucker end up explaining to his boss about the endless drinks table six consumed? We don't know...

What was the significance of the nurse? Was that simply to help stack up the ego that you've already built for Tucker? Also, why Bambi? Tucker's character appears Playboy-ish, where although he can be fascinated with one person, any given opportunity like that would have deterred his effort, regardless of his fascination. But Tucker's determination is hell-bent on Bambi? How so? Just by her looks alone and/or her solid rejection? Also, is that situation even possible? What person drinks that much and becomes that horny? (lol)

From conversation with unknowns at table six to the Bambi interruption, this seems both rushed and confusing again. Slow it down. Readers won't be able to paint the picture in your head if you don't give us the details. Thoughts, words, and reactions are all blurring together here and this needs to be broken down accordingly.

“That’s just the thing Loverboy, the only thing I know about you is the exact thing that keeps me from knowing you better.” Cleaver...but partially unclear and slightly unrealistic. Who deals a decisive blow to someone's ego and then just casually walks away with no transition? WE. NEED. MORE.

The introduction of Milder McIntyre between Spike and Tucker is done so quickly that I felt that there was more to the story that may be missing. They clearly know each other? How so? Why is it not mentioned then through some flashback or sudden realization of hints that led to the current events that were transpiring? How/why was he not even considered when talking to Bambi? And who is Dean, where did he come from (he's obviously in bed, but there's no transition), and how can he change what's going on/about to happen?

“She’s fucking trouble man.” This does obviously not going to stop Tucker from doing what he is eventually going to do, but why was it so important that he called up Dean?

"Milder stood a few feet in front of me, holding a gun to Bambi’s head. 'Any sudden moves and she’s dead.'” Wow...and again, how/why? There is something much bigger going on and even though you may/may not explain why, this is too much of a climactic event to just throw to the reader. TOO MUCH IS GOING ON TOO QUICKLY. I assume that length may be something of concern to you, but if the reader can't understand or believe what you are trying to say, they will not invest their time into it.

“Take me instead, you don’t want her.” <-------------- Nobel...but cliche and this action doesn't particularly grasp to this situation. A "take me instead" wouldn't be something I'd see at a club, but more of a hostage situation or a kidnapping or some sort. Also, it appears that Milder is out for revenge, but "a whore for a whore?" Did Tucker burst into a club and kill someone that Milder liked? So much is going on that can't be understood...

“Milder, she shot my partner; I had no choice… unlike her. You have a choice here, don’t make the wrong choice. Don’t do this.” I can get six questions out of this sentence alone. Who is the partner? Police partner? Sexual partner? Why didn't Tucker have a choice? When did this happen? What wasn't Milder dealt with then as oppose to now? Also, where did the emotions and bodily responses go after this? As it reads, Milder is just standing dead still with a gun to Bambi's head. Is he breathing heavily? Is he blinking a lot? Is he looking around, making sure he isn't flanked or attacked from behind?

"A shot buried itself in the roof, 'The next one won’t go into the roof.'” This is repetitive; try this. "A shot went off and broke through the old drywall tile before Milder shouted out. 'The next one won't go through the roof!'"

How does Milder know that Tucker has a gun in an ankle holster before we know that he has it? And why wasn't this out beforehand is Tucker knew that something bad was going to happen once he saw Milder at first? Right now, it reads as if a gun magically appeared on Tucker's ankle; it's without explanation, so we can't assume correctly how/why it was there. Also, why was this not first said? If Milder knew that Tucker was armed and he had someone (Bambi) in a bind, why isn't Tucker's gun the first thing that should come up? In here, the timing of events is off.

WOAH! WHERE DID SPIKE GET A GUN FROM!? Geez...(lol)

All right, Milder is dead and apparently Bambi is injured too. How? We have no description of the shot, but just a vague "Milder’s blood splattered over Bambi and the floor and he fell to the ground pulling her with him." I thought that he grabbed on to her in some weird way, not was hit by the bullet(s) too.

How much time passed between "Damnit Bambi, stay with me!" and Dean showing up with the paramedics and how did Dean know to bring the paramedics?

Aces is going in the right direction, but before you continue, this needs to be majorly revised. You painted a great picture and a good general story-line, but I feel that you rushed through this piece. SLOW. IT. DOWN. There is nothing more frustrating to a reader than a rushed story. How many questions/objections did I have? Realistically, an objective reader wouldn't have pushed through this. Give your audience the details and facts that we need. If not, we will be left confused and turned off.


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17
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Review by Ember Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a very smooth and warm piece while depicting a very vivid and real story. Your flow and language in this piece was impeccable. I was unfamiliar with the culture of the people of New Guinea, but your piece served as both informative, but also rich with culture and customs. From describing the boat, to the weather patterns that affected the fishing in the area, to describing the history of the people, this has never failed to keep my attention while conveying a perfect picture in my mind. I also like how you uniquely intertwined the native language in this piece. It is impressive, as it hardly stopped me from reading, but I am concerned that I may have missed out on its meaning. Perhaps you would consider adding a translation in parentheses?

Good job again!


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18
18
Review of Mercy  Open in new Window.
Review by Ember Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a very good perspective piece (what I call a piece that puts a reader in a different perspective). I fish on the occasion and never once thought about what the fish may be thinking on the other side, but this piece helped bridge that gap. You've done a great job at explaining the reverse effects of bait, how the smell makes fish go from casually swimming to hunting whatever delicious smell has entered their gills. Bait is designed to do just that and I never fully grasped that until I read this. I also like how you put a personality and something of a conscience into an organism that (as far as we humans can tell) has neither of these.

The title was a bit off, as I expected something of environmental passion when I put "crime of compassion" and "environment" (that's how I got to your piece via. genre), but if you think it correctly fits your work, then by all means, ignore this. Good job again!


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19
19
Review of My New Business  Open in new Window.
Review by Ember Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
As a business major, I found this quite comical. I could relate and feel the excitement, especially since I just graduated college and many of my class are currently owning restaurants and such. I also like how you distributed each trial along the story line, as this made it easier to read, but also built on the excitement and hope. The steakhouse in New Delhi, India was funny, as you looked solely at the "demand" (or lack of, in that case) and ended up finding out why no one made your same mistake. I also like the transition steakhouse to shoe store and its continued disinterest, again falling to look at the culture. The best part of this is not only the continued aspiration, but also the impending success. College students LOVE coffee and Starbucks will be the jackpot for you. You also crafted it into a great commercial as, if I was still a college student, I would not only see where you've come from in business, but also see the convenience of helping you with your business by purchasing a cup of coffee that I would need.

Good work on this. There are a few flow issues, as the language in this feels forced. However, with a solid re-read, it should be fine. Good job again and good luck!


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20
20
Review by Ember Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a very warm and touching story. I personally like this because it appeals to both the father-son bonding time, but also appeals to my culinary skills too, so I also learned something. The language and flow of this story complimented each other well and helped me paint the story you were writing. The tone matched the setting and the characters (you and your father) both complimented each other (for obvious reasons), but this compliment was depicted perfectly. I also enjoyed that you had supplied information on how other cultures use your father's recipes (the Italian's use it as a sauce, but this was our entire meal). It's sentences like that that bond history, memory, and culture perfectly in a piece and you did and excellent job.

Good work again. I'm sure your father would be proud!


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21
21
Review by Ember Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
There is a lot going on in this piece and because it's an objective piece, I have to resist debating the opinion parts of this piece, so bear with me. I do agree with the fact that man thrives on reducing the fear of the anticipation of death, as this is a common theme that most of the world abides by. This is more than love, money, sex, and drugs, as humans want peace of mind when thinking of the inevitable death that they cannot physically avoid, but spiritually can. In addition, you do bring up solid points that both the Israelis and Palestinians are, in lack of better terminology, granting each other their own fate. The controversy between Israel and Palestine has been going on for centuries and will likely never reach a mutual peace time. What we do have to consider are the costs.

Your essay does not consider the external costs of the constant conflict that is being played out. Although Palestinian and Israeli lives are being lost (although one more than the other), your essay does not address the social affects that are being stacked on this situation, which can influence the world's perspective of the situation (although I feel that we would likely agree that it is not our business at all). The one-sided domination of this current conflict is yielding concern to the global community, something that calls on a more macro-philosophical approach. Life in the United States is "relatively" (used as loosely as humanly possible) secure and it can be argued that the western hemisphere has done a great job at "distracting" us from our own fear of death. But when we see a conflict where people are experiencing the opposite, where death is almost being embraced, the privileged west feels a need to try to stop this, even if it costs us some of our comfort in embracing death. I would try to add a little of the counter-factual just so this piece doesn't seem a it one-sided. However, this was done beautifully and wish you the best with your future works!


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Review by Ember Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is an interesting piece, as I've sensed a lot of tension and controversy within the beginning of the work. My interest was earned and retained from the opening, where a simple story turned into a recount of a four-year-old nightmare that the main character has to relive annually. You've set the scene and the plot very quickly and effectively. Here are some suggestions to take this piece to the next level.

The character composition in this piece is a bit off, as some of the things said and reactions taken are hard for me to visualize happening. The argument between the mother and the main character is a bit sharp, where anger and frustration is heavily exaggerated in order to create the suspense you want in your story. This is okay, but the conversation is written too drastically. Try to add compassion in the mother's tone, so it appears that she is concerned for her daughter's well-being, but is still compassionate for her loss (regardless of her dislike for Luke). Add some reasoning in your main character and reduce the hot-cold tension between her intentions and her mother's concerns. Adding some consideration will at least lower the temperature of this argument and make it more believable.

Luke's aunt visits the grave at 8:00am and the funeral is at 10:00am. Ashley wakes up at 9:00am and wants to go to the funeral (there are annual funerals for deaths four years later?), but wants to avoid Luke's upset and blaming aunt, but wouldn't the aunt attend the funeral too?

The final adjustment is the conversation between the main character and Lucifer. Give me more information and dialogue on this. Give me more tone descriptions, gestures, bodily movements, etc. Help the reader visualize what you are depicting in words and help them seem more relate-able. You give us evidence of the main character's fear, but I can't believe it quite yet. Give me more!

Hope this helps!


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Review of Untitled  Open in new Window.
Review by Ember Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a good summary paragraph of what your chapter should be, but as it stands now, it could be a lot stronger with some more background and information.

Is your main character a boy or a girl? From the language, I would assume a girl, but I'm not sure. Add more information on this, as the reader can be very distracted if we don't know simple information like "is this a guy or girl that I'm reading about?" In the beginning of this story, your main character is searching for the answers that they ultimately fear. Why is this? Don't introduce a cliche without the other end? Give us a reason to know why the main character hates and fears what has happened to her and her kind.

You did a fear goo job of making me relate to the character and helping me feel for them. The description of the "bed" (flat, hard, and likely very uncomfortable) made me savor my own bed and comforters and helped me imagine how I would feel without them. A better point is the shuddering to the touch of her own teeth. Perhaps I'm a hygiene freak, but that sentence made me shudder. This was done well.

Describe your setting more. I can understand that this is some sort of work camp/prison, but tell me more about it. What about the guards? The other prisoners are human, but are there any similarities. Judging by the description of the piece, are they all Americans? Add information like this.


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Review by Ember Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I must say...I did laugh when I read that this was written at 4:00am (the struggles of a writer).

The language in this piece is very good, as you use a lot of the same words, but you utilize their different, alternative meanings and still paint different pictures in the readers' minds. I can feel the frustration and the anger in the main character and can almost feel bad for him (although the language points to denying him this doubt, as it only further enrages him). In addition, you painted a very dark picture which only got worse, despite that we, the readers, thought that it couldn't. Frustration and anger was converted to hate and hate was painted onto targets. Although somewhat predictable, it is a solid plot.

My main concern is that the source of this person's anger is unknown (or if it's apparent, it's heavily obscured). I would address this, as if you look to engage this and take it any further, these are the questions that need to be answered.


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Review by Ember Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is a good chapter in respect to its format, its structure, the dialogue, and how you've gained the reader's attention on the "Orgone." I suspect that there will be so much more to this, so I will be looking at your future work, but in terms of a first chapter and the first dish that the reader receives, this is pretty good. The best factor about this piece is how Liam stumbles to (almost admit) the "Orgone," hinting of a difficulty to understand it, but also, some natural fear of it.

To make this chapter better, I would define the relationship between the characters earlier in the work. Liam and Peter have more than a business relationship here, although it may not be strong and/or relevant. Also, how he got to Liam, VP of Sales, is a bit unclear. Getting before a vice-president of any company is rather difficult; explain this to us.


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