"In hood he walked down the sidewalk..."
I suggesting changing this first sentence into "He walked down the sidewalk wearing a hood..." It just sounds better to me and is more commonly done.
"She laid there for a second and then started to go into convulsions her head bouncing in the scattered glass leaving blood behind each time. It started to spill from her mouth as she began to cough and then she just stopped."
This is pretty messed up. I like it.
"...a women shouted running to the dead woman."
I suggest replacing the word "a" in this sentence into "another" to emphasize it's a different woman.
“What? No 'thank you for saving me' or 'hi how’s your day been,'”
I suggest adding those inner-quotation marks to that sentence as I did.
"...where a woman smashed through the window..."
"A man looked over the edge saluting him with his aviators and gently placed them back on his face."
"The man barely got a foot before a woman walked out of the stairwell with a gun out in front of her."
etc.
You should be more descriptive on new characters right away when they appear in the story so the reader doesn't have to keep guessing on their appearance, even if they are only minor characters. You only mentioned that the man wore avaitor glasses in the second one. How did they look like, color of hair, and what else were they wearing?
“Why me,” he asked.
You should repace that comma with a question mark.
"He continued down the hall, “By the way, I never caught your name.”"
This is one example of several in this story where the comma before the quote should be a period.
Anyways, I love the way you described the gore and action in this story. Gruesome and twisted, the way I feel it is supposed to be. That is what I like best, and grammar/spelling is good overall. I suggest adding more of a plot line than just zombie killing. I know this is just the first chapter, but I found Develop the plot into more depth as you add further chapters. Give your characters more dimension with added details along with their quotes.
If you want to and have the time, I have an item in my port that I am looking to be reviewed honestly. "Condition Black"
I occasionally take long breaks from this site and hope to see how the rest of this story turns up. Please keep my suggestions in mind, though be aware that they are only mines and they may not be all correct.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/eddo36
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 7:59am on Dec 31, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
