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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/eervin88
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10 Public Reviews Given
35 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Emily Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi, I found your story in the supernatural genre. It is very interesting, though a little hard to follow.

Plot:

Great! I like the scenes jumping around in time--interesting story telling tactics.

However, I was very confused for most of the first chapter. I accept that prologues don't have to make sense until later, but I think confusing the reader for too long is boring. As it stands, your story feels like it has two prologues before the story really starts. I enjoyed the story from "My small fire cracked and smoked," and on.

My suggestion would be to shorten the first two parts or possibly find another place in your story for them. If their placement is critical, perhaps you could include details to inform the reader in the first chapter.

Setting:

I pictured Britain, or a place like it. Enough description to be grounded, but not so much that I skim over the details.

Characters:

Not yet well defined at this point, although that is not really a bad thing. Obviously, the prologue was not meant to be immediately understood, so that is fine. Through the rest, Scott's backstory is revealed a little, as are some of his flaws. He is shaping up to be a very interesting protagonist.

Technical stuff:

This is where most of my problem with your story lies.

You have quite a few run on sentences.

For example:

The table at which we sat was not the shoddy oak or pine I'd been used to, instead our arms rested on a flawless marble slate...

These are two complete sentences, so you would need to split them, include a semi-colon instead of a comma, or add a conjunction/reword the sentence.

Also, you have quite a few sentences that don't quite make sense the way they are; they seem to be missing a word or two, or have awkward wording.

A couple of examples:

The air had an unfamiliar smell, and a distant fear made it's first vibrations within.

The problem I have is with the second part, the distant fear. Within what? You were just talking about the air, so presumably there, but "within" seems as though it should be "within me," or "within my head," or what ever fits best with what you were going for.

Anyway, my suggestion would be to read the piece out loud, listening to each word. What made sense in your head while you were creating your writing may not make as much sense on paper. Often, our fingers can't keep up with our brains!

Overall:

The story has a lot of promise, and I would be interested in reading a more finished draft.

Write on!

~LTD
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Review by Emily Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Arosis, "Rose Colored Glasses: Prologue" is such a fine piece! Certainly it is refined enough that I would not be surprised to see it in print ;)

Overall impression:

You definitely have my attention! I thoroughly enjoyed this piece and will be reading more of your work. My only reservation was that towards the end, I half-expected Giles to grab the glasses and jump up and down, screaming, "my precious!" Not that you should change anything here; I just wanted you to be aware so you don't stay on the ring track further into the story.

Technical stuff:

In the first paragraph, I think that having "Giles inhaled," be your first sentence would make the meaning clearer. The way it is now, it takes reading the next couple of sentences closely to understand your meaning.

In the same paragraph, I think that "smell him:" with a colon makes more sense than a comma.

I like the imagery of a scent "ghosting." Very vivid.

About three-fourths of the way through, in the paragraph starting with: "The rose-colored glasses had fused to the candidate’s head," I was a little confused. After reading it a couple of times, I assume that they had fused to the boy's head before Giles and Peter arrived, but I can't really tell.

In that same paragraph, you wrote, 'Here, Peter, clean these up,' and I think Peter should be Giles.

A few paragraphs down, you wrote: "White-hot heat shimmered across the boy’s face, anointing him some sort of fallen angel." "White-hot heat" is repetitive, especially since the room is in flames. "...[A]nointing him some sort of fallen angel" seems a bit awkward to me, and I'm not sure I get the metaphor fully. Generally anointing is associated with kings or priests, or at least associated with a blessing. A fallen angel wouldn't be anointed, even with fire. Perhaps you could reword this sentence?

I really like the focus on colors.

Plot:

So far, everything that has happened has drawn me further into the story. Good prologue.

Character:

Giles' and Peter's personalities are well developed.

I see Giles as a serious, somewhat cautious person. I would like some hints to his appearance, however.

Peter, revealed towards the end to be a dwarf, has a tough exterior, but figuratively and literally, but you have hinted at the possibility of a sensitive soul as well. I think a hint at his dwarfism in regards to height would be appreciated; all of the other elements are there so that when you reveal his race, the reader will say, "well, duh!" As it stands, I had to think on it a bit, then go, "okay, I guess it makes sense." And was he smoking AND dipping at the beginning?? Delightfully disgusting!

Setting:

Obviously a school. I think you place the right amount of emphasis on setting details so that the characters and action are grounded without distracting me from what is going on. Very talented.

Dialogue

I normally don't mention dialogue unless there is a glaring problem with it, but on the request page, you specifically asked for feedback on dialogue.

All of Giles' and Peter's dialogue read like a natural extension of their characters. Great job. None of it was distracting, and from what I noticed, it was all purposeful. I never felt that any of the conversation could or should be cut.

My one reservation: "'Stay away!' The candidate swung his bear towards the pair. 'Stay still!'" If the candidate is a young boy, which is what I assumed, this isn't what kids sound like. I would think their vocabulary is more basic and syntax is usually more complicated, as they do not have much practice yet with concisely stating their ideas. However, since I do not know the impact of the glasses, this may make sense later in the story.

In conclusion:
I thoroughly enjoyed this piece and look forward to reading more of this story. Feel free to send me a message if you liked my review enough for me to review your other pieces or even (or rather, especially!) more of this story. Also let me know if you have questions about any of my comments.

Write on!

~LTD
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