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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ejoshmo
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8 Public Reviews Given
8 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
The purpose of my reviews is to give honest, unbiased feedback in hopes that you can take something away from it that will improve your writing. As such, they will be brutally honest, but I'm just as honest and forth giving with positive feedback and praise! I don't sugarcoat, but I'm not unkind. However, if you're here to have someone tell you that it's great and nice without giving you any actual criticisms, this isn't where you want to be. Constructive Criticism is the name of the game! Note: I don't just review, I will edit and/or provide suggestions as well upon request (or if you don't specify that you don't want edits).
I'm good at...
Being constructive and uplifting, spelling and grammar edits (including sentence structure and syntax), complete and objective honesty.
Favorite Genres
My favorite genres would have to be dark comedy, cerebral thrillers, fantasy, and sci-fi.
Least Favorite Genres
Least favorite genres would be poetry and horror, but that doesn't mean I've never read one I loved! I'm also not who you want to review any heavily religion-based works.
I will not review...
I'll say that while I will review poetry, I'm not someone you want to ask about the rules and format of poetry. I'll review poetry based solely on imagery, how it made me feel, and the message I thought you were trying to get across. There's probably nothing I just absolutely wouldn't review, but if it falls into my least favorite genres, the story had better be engaging! ;)
Public Reviews
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Review of Live to Die  Open in new Window.
Review by Joel_Shmoel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
As always, this is just one person's opinion.


🌟🌟🌟


A good review, while being used to polish or improve your current work, should also inspire new ideas and give you something to chew on for later works. Constructive Criticism is the name of the game!

I'll start by saying I probably know less than your average 10th grader when it comes to the "rules" and format for poetry. I should probably add that to my review page.... Anyway, due to my lack of experience with that, I'll be judging this based solely on how it made me feel and my overall impression.


🍃First Impression: My first impression was: I love this! I'm a sucker for dark and angsty writing, and this definitely checks those boxes. It was thought-provoking as well. I love writing that I have to chew on, rather than it being spoon-fed to me. A few parts were a bit too cryptic for the overall theme, but that might just be me.

🍃Plot: As you can see, my template is set up for prose :P
I guess I'll talk about the overall story that I think you were trying to tell with this piece. I think it's a very real and gritty look at all of the struggles that can come with daily life. As someone who's suffered from depression and anxiety almost my entire life: Big Mood (I can definitely relate). The juxtapositions highlighted the duality of human nature and life itself in a way that made it very raw but somehow comforting at the same time. To live means to persevere, even when we don't want to or feel like we can't. It left me feeling a bit unsettled (which I love).


🍃Characters/dialog: Move along, nothing to see here *Reading*



🍃What I Liked: I found the juxtapositions interesting. They threw me off at first in a few places, like "happily saddened eyes" and "nude as an artist's palette", but after the second or third read-through, I could see the big picture and I understood what you were doing there. I thought it was a clever device.

I also loved how this made me *feel* while I was reading it. I could close my eyes and feel every line in my gut.

"whimpering courage" was my favorite part by far. It gave me chills.






🌱Grammar/spelling: There was nothing that I saw, other than "unshamed". I wasn't sure if that was supposed to be "unashamed" or if that was intentional.

🌱Suggestions: There was only one part that I couldn't get to make sense in my head: "happily saddened eyes caress sockets of heroism". I wasn't sure what sentiment "heroism" represented in that juxtaposition.


🌳- And last but not least: You put yourself out there, and that's great! No success comes without risk. Great job, and keep writing! ♥ -🌳


With Love,

M


"Anything worth doing is worth doing badly." - G. K. Chesterton


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by Joel_Shmoel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for sharing your story. "Please, Don't Move" I hope you find my comments helpful!


These comments are just one person’s opinion and are given in the hope you find something useful. The sole purpose of my reviews is to give honest feedback that will help you grow as a writer! That's why we're all here, right?



First Impressions:
While the story was immediately intriguing, I was often more confused and/or out of place than intrigued. However, the twist was nice and unexpected!


Plot:
The plot could have used a few more details, I feel. I felt a bit as if I had been dropped into an empty space and was trying to piece together an image in front of me, rather than being in the room with it. I would try showing more of your detail through the character's perspective and senses. However, the pacing definitely picked up towards the end (once things started to come from your character's experience, rather than an omnipotent viewpoint). Overall great premise!



Characters:
I like Mark. He is a man of mystery and intrigue. But like talking to women in a bar, the reader might need a bit more to go on. We know his hair and eye color, but not much else. We know he's tired because we can see the bags under his eyes, but how does he feel about that? Is he drained from working on the project and can't wait to go to sleep? Is he feeling determined to finish and just found his second win? When he gets scared, does he begin to shake and breathe heavy? Is his heart beating fast? Is any of this making him angry or frustrated, since it's broken his focus? You've hinted at the existence of human emotion in him with the tear at the end. The reader feels the story through your character. Breathe a little more life into him :)



Climax:
What can I say? It left me wanting more (which is always a good thing)! I'd love to know more about the "newfound identity" that predated this experience. Had he just gotten used to who he was? How new was this identity? Why did losing it make him cry? The visual of the wires and circuits under his skin was deeply unsettling, which is what you want out of horror, but I think you can make the reader care much more, be much more afraid, and much more sad for the loss of the main character. Give us more of that!


Suggestions:
I think I've covered most of my suggestions in the previous sections, but I'll try to give a more succinct summary here:

1. Give the readers more details to chew on, preferably through the character's point of view. Show don't tell!
2. Give your character emotions and mannerisms that the reader can identify with. That's how you make your readers really care about what is happening.
3. If you've done a good job building your character, the climax should fall into place fairly easily. You have a great skeleton, just add some meat!
4. I'll also add: you might consider being a bit more conservative with your commas. Commas in places where they aren't required can be disorienting and distracting for the reader. Don't be afraid to break up those incomplete phrases into two full sentences, or to rewrite the sentence entirely to eliminate the need for run-ons.



Parting Comments:
An intriguing story overall, and I'd love to know more about the story you're telling! Making the reader want more means the hard part is out of the way ;) Good job, and keep writing!
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Review of Monkey Business  Open in new Window.
Review by Joel_Shmoel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was hilarious, and a great twist! Didn't see it coming. Your voice is clear and concise while entertaining. A+, great work!
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