Hello Matt Bird MSci (Hons) AMRSC   ! This is a review courtesy of "Invalid Item"  .
 Disclaimer: The following comments are my own opinions and reflections as a reader, made with the intention of offering you ideas and suggestions so that you may see your work from a different perspective> I hope this proves useful to you as a writer.
(My comments are in chronological order)
~As I lay in bed staring up to the dark ceiling with the stars twinkling out of the window
I thought, for an introduction, you could smoothen this out a bit. The sentence was a little bumpy and this can turn off your readers. You need to suck them in from the start. Like getting on a slide, you want them to get on and slide to the end. If the top of the slide is bumpy...well you get the metaphor  My suggestion is first to get straight to the point: You're in bed, staring at the ceiling, we know it's up. "As I lay in bed staring at the ceiling" To the point. Then you tell us about something outside the window. But weren't you staring at the ceiling? Why are you now describing a window? Of course it's not wrong, per se, but I believe if you are writing in First person, then try to give us his account, don't make him the omnipresent narrator, if you know what I mean. So maybe the twinkling of the starts caught the corner of his eyes and that's how he knew how shiny the stars were that night.
~ all I could think of was my life, my past.
For me, I thought this sounded like you were unsure what you were thinking of, or that you added "my past" as an afterthought. You may have been going for some sort of effect, but I think you should just say "my past" or "my life" rather than both.
~ Spanish woman, long flowing brown hair and stunningly blue eyes.
There was no preposition in this phrase linking Spanish woman with her description.
~ as what I really wanted to be doing right now was sleeping
To me this clause sounds a little awkward, and I blame the way its structured. My suggestion is to reword it so that it does not start with "as what". Also you say what you wanted to be doing "right now" but you are writing in the past. So it should be what you wanted to be doing right then, at that time in the past.
~ At a closer look at the woman
~ When I saw what was there my jaw dropped
For the sake of better flow, and a tighter story, I suggest looking over some of your sentences and seeing if they can be condensed. For example in this one, instead of saying when I saw what I saw, you can just say "The sight made my jaw drop" If you do this to all the sentences that are bulky, I guarantee that this will significantly improve your story.
~ A platter of sausages came around the conveyor...eventually the toast came round again and I took two slices.
There were some punctuation issues with this sentence. I think "Eventually the toast...etc" should be its own sentence. I also think everything before it , starting with "a platter of sausages" should also be condensed. To me it sounded a bit mechanic, because you structured it as 'This came round so I took some, then this came round and I took some, then this came round etc" you get the point. So try to rephrase it so it flows better.
~ he picked up his fork, looked at me,
This should be a new sentence as well.
I asked, the man looked up to the ceiling,
There needs to be a fullstop (period) after asked. The man looked up should be it's own sentence because it's a new thought/action.
~ The paragraph where the homeless guy tells the story of how he died needs to be edited. There were too many long sentences that need to be broken down into smaller ones. The first sentence was way too long. Also, like I mentioned before, read through it and see what words you can eliminate. I notice that when you write, even when you have a great idea or sentence, you choose the most difficult way to structure it, and it comes out awkward and bulky.
Also, I felt this paragraph lacked a 'voice'. I didn't really feel that a homeless man was actually saying it. There was no real emotion, his delivery was a little flat. It was as if he just wanted to get all the words out. Maybe you could integrate a little of how he felt, his desperation, how he counted the money, how the last guy out was his last chance at a warm night, etc. Let him take his time telling his story.
~ When Mr.Roland told the story of how he died, it seemed to me like you were just trying to give the reader a lot of background information about the protagonist and this is what made it seem inauthentic. For example you wrote,
You did a great job, anyway a new post came for you in another business that paid double the price and was pretty much next to where you lived.
Let's say the protagonist is called John (I need to refer to him as something ) If Mr.Roland is speaking ABOUT John, TO John, why is he saying all those details that they both already know? He doesn't need to spell it all out, and you can still relay this information in a more efficient way, because the way you write it it seemed like he was directing his words at the reader, not John.
~ his business [was] about to go bankrupt
~ downed it one
~ Again, the paragraphs where the characters tell the story of how they died seems like you are just trying to get across as much information as possible without really keeping in character, or giving each person a unique voice. I think you should break down those paragraphs and let the characters breathe and take breaks, maybe tell us how "John" is reacting to the story while it's being told, instead of the characters just throwing up a chunk of information.
~ I replied miserably, the ginger man could sense
I replied miserably. The ginger man could sense...
~ I asked, the ginger man smiled.
I asked. The ginger main smiled.
~ When the ginger man tells "John" about the orb and the cave, it was in reply to a question John asked about if he thought heaven was as he imagined. So the ginger man's answer seemed a little out of place. Maybe he can just confront John with this idea rather than it be an answer the that question.
~ the aptly named ‘Golden Sands’ beach, named perfectly as the beach was actually made from gold dust
Those two underlined phrases sounded like a repetition.
~ which shone a brilliant golden glow; in the distance I saw the hooded figure.
The semicolon should be a full stop here.
~ sped off in the direction of the cave
This is one of the instances where you can eliminate words and polish up your sentences in order to improve your flow. So instead of saying "in the direction of" you can simply say "towards". Less is more!
~ on the shore in the cave
On the shore OR in the cave? Two different spaces, it can't be bother. On the shore makes more sense.
~ The paragraph that explains the cave was very confusing and hard to get through for me. It would help a lot if you broke it down into smaller paragraphs. I also think you should vary the sentence length because it read very mechanical to me.
~ they’re the reason your you're dead
You conclusion was strong in my opinion. I like how you upped the ante by making the cave collapse just as John had to make his choice. I would still suggest breaking up the conclusion into smaller paragraphs just because it's easier to read that day. Otherwise it really sucked me in and I felt the pressure and the excitement of the scene.
PLOT:
I didn't think that John was to blame for those deaths. For example, Amy White was drunk when she died. It's not really his fault that she was alone with her friends and made a bad decision to get wasted. I also didn't believe that Dominic's death was his fault. He didn't really do anything that was unfair, he just called the guy to help him with work. The homeless guy's was the only one that was kind of his fault. I think this weakened your plot a little bit.
There was a lot of humor in your story that I liked.The idea is great, I loved the story, but I do think this piece needs some work. Eliminating unnecessary words and phrases, and polishing your sentences will improve it a lot. I hope you found my suggestions helpful, and I'm sorry I named your protagonist Thank you so much for sharing!
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| (4.5)
| (3.5)
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This is a Showering Acts of Joy review
and unexpected. 
This is part of your Showering Acts of Joy Package.
Welcome to WDC from "
package!
= 
so please excuse my ignorance) but then I realized you were listing your friends and I didn't understand why.
I think in metric but this confused me because I didn't know if you were talking about height, if so, you might try adding 'tall' to the end of the phrase. I would also link it to the next sentence with 'but' so that the relevance is clear.
you failed at hiding your passion for this sport! But the good news is, it wasn't like hearing a fan go on and on about something they like while you think to yourself "Oh my God when will this stop!" I felt like you held our hand and walked us through it, whispering, pointing out things we may never notice otherwise: the fish getting its senses for a moment before floating away, the heartbeats felt through the Bamboo rod; that feeling of anticipation was palpable in your story.
But you did a great job, Thank you so much for sharing it.