Hi Aurora, has been cool to read your story.
Overall, i think you have a good start to a story. I would suggest to do some more editing, especially the prologue. The flow of the story was a lot better in the chapter. Try to make some of the descriptions more vivid, and try to see the happenings from the view of the persons you decribe. What does Fenten think about his dad beeing gone? Has he got any clue to the letter? why doesn't Fenten run along to his mother?
The story is a little straight forward, you kind of know what might come and the different happenings are some places nearly listed after each other. By adding more personality to the dialogue, you will shape the persons in the mind of the reader.
I loved the scentence where the gander gave a loud honk:) kind of gives a snall natural break i the story while setting the mood.
You have a good layout and a good starting point for a story. I really wanna know what the Olcorum is...
Playiong on the unknown is a good way to capture my attention.
I'd love to read more of the story, and read this part again when you feel you are finished with it. I have found that i get kind of blind when working with a piece or story for a while, so i usually let things lie for a few days or weeks, then come back to it, and i allways find things to change :)
Theres a few places, ()-marked, where I have suggested small changes, either because of grammatical corrections, or suggestions for inserts, changes or cut outs;
Rain was pounding on the roof and windows(t)ills as thunder roared and lightening flashed. The young prince was in the ballroom overseeing the servants as they prepared for the celebration the following day. A servant was balancing himself on (an) unsteady ladder, trying to hang tapestries from the high, delicately painted ceilings.
“Prince Fenten?” His most (trusted and loyal) servant and squire, Arthur, called from the other end of the room.
The candlelight in the gold chandelier dangling down from the ceiling flickered and shadows danced across the wall. (flickered, casting dancing shadows across the wall).
“Very (well, you are) all dismissed.” Fenten replied, raising his voice so it reached all of the (many) workers. They nodded and bowed to him before exiting the room through two large wooden doors. (expressions of relief?)
The walls all around were stone and so (were) the spiral staircase on which he stood.
The ruler of (all) Ryolon, King Lucio was a tall, strong man, but had kind eyes and a kind smile.
The walls were lined with books almost all the way up to the high ceiling, but (none) of that was visible in the darkness.
The wood floor creaked beneath them as his father alternated (shifted) his weight from one foot to the other.
Will, (also) eighteen as well, was the son of King Lucio’s most trusted advisor.
“Prince Fenten! Prince Fenten!” Came a yell from the (horse’s) rider as he neared them.
He had a knife (stabbed) through his heart.”
Will looked over at his best friend to make sure he was okay, (and) then took a deep breath.
“Thank you, good sir.” Will said, “(N)ow could you kindly break the news to our poor widowed queen?”
Hope this is helping you a little on the way. :)
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