Please remember that these are only suggestions and opinions and I mean no offense by them.
Context: Well, the premise of this story is somewhat interesting, but lacks any real conviction. The dialogue seems tense, or forced, and it left me wondering exactly who the characters where and why any of this mattered. One of the main problems I noticed was the lack of identifying the speaker in your dialogue. It is a rare gem in your story to know exactly who is speaking. That is not a huge issue, and can be worked out without too much trouble.
Imagery: Really the only imagery I noticed was at the end when you attempted to describe the entrance of the second alien race. Basically, the story needs some more descriptors. I understand that it is not necessarily the type of story that requires a ton of visual descriptors, but a few more can't hurt.
Emotion: You tried to throw some emotion in there, but it is odd and alien feeling (especially from the alien). They are having a conversation that seems hostile at first, and then all the sudden I got the impression that the Commander knew the human characters somehow, but the link was so fragile that it almost crumbled when I tried to find it. And then, after all of that, the alien just starts to cry. It was fairly odd, but I can see what you were trying to accomplish. Clean up your dialogue a bit and give us a little more back story and the emotion will follow. We have to identify with the characters to actually feel any emotions they are trying to impress upon us.
Mechanics: Mechanically, the story needs a couple of good edits, and more eyes than I possess. The story has errors, but most of them are small and easy fixes. My main issue with the piece is the constant tense jumping, which is easily fixed, but can ruin a story if it is ignored. I tried to catch most of the errors below, but I did leave off some of the verbs that needed to be changed from present to past tense. Also, there were some missing commas that I did not put down, but a quick read through should allow you to find those.
1) Joel places his pen down to answer it. Half of your story is in past, and the other half is in present tense. I would change this to past since it is generally preferred over present. Joel placed his pen down to answer it.
2) Joel and his wife Daniele's apartment is comfortable, having the essentials; water, power, lights. The possession identifier is wrong and the semicolon should be a colon because you are listing items. Joel and his wife, Daniele, had a comfortable apartment with all of the essentials: water, power, and light.
3) Joel has a job. Many people do now and most were in the employ of the Nezaur, an enterprising alien race, come to Earth to do trade. Again, I'd move everything to past tense. Joel had a job, many people did. Most were in the employ of the Nezaur, an enterprising alien race, after they came to Earth to trade. This version, in my opinion, is cleaner and flows better.
4) While much needed, many, over the years were troubled by the relationship they had built with the Nezaur. Odd sentence. While people supported the trade in the beginning, many over the years became troubled by the relationships that were built with the Nezaur. Something like that...
5) Winston, Joel's friend was invited to discuss their concerns. Comma after friend.
6) And now we make and ship green glowing-batteries and other parts to their home world. The hyphen goes between green and glowing, not glowing and batteries.
7) “Winston... remember when he told us he'd overheard the commanders talking and make a curious statement. Make should be making.
8) Winston slumping a bit in the couch to rebut, “Yeah I remember but Joel, come on, he could have just been jaw jacking with his buddies. You've seen them. They love to talk.” Slumping in this sentence is progressive, which by itself is not a verb tense. You can either change slumping to slumped, but the sentence needs some other work as well. Try: Winston slumped in the couch as he thought of a response. "Yeah, I remember, but Joel, come on. He could have just been jaw jacking with his buddies. You've seen them when they are together. They love to talk."
9) “Yes, yes I know, that's how I felt too, but Daniele and I saw the Doc last week and.... Winston, he didn't recognize us. Add a closing quotation after us.
10) Winston sits up looking into their faces for signs of a joke. But, there were none. “How can that be? He lived with you guys for...what? Five years?” Tense again and sentence structure. Winston sat up, searching their faces for any signs of a joke, but there were none. "How can that be? He lived with you guys for what, five years?"
11) “Thinking Doc was kidding around, I asked him anyway. Had he gained any insight into why Earth was such a great location? And he looked at me with such anger then grabbing my arm tightly he demanded our names and addresses as though we were strangers.” You have a quote within a quote here without any punctuation. Rather than structuring it that way, however, try this: "Thinking Doc was kidding around, I asked him if he had gained any insight into why Earth was such a great location. He looked at me and anger filled his eyes. He grabbed my arm tightly and demanded our names, addresses, as if we were strangers.
12) All heads turned, as the door swung open and three Nezaur security men rushed in with weapons drawn and taking aim at each of them. Structuring, some tense issues. Their heads turned as the door swung open. Three Nezaur security men rushed in with their weapons drawn, sights aimed at each of them.
13) "What Winston is about to tell you Joel will be incomplete. But, don’t be afraid, my men are here for your protection.” Some comma issues, and when you use But or And in the place of However you don't need a comma directly after it. "What Winston was about to tell you, Joel, is incomplete. But don't be afraid, my men are here for your protection."
14) Ignoring him and turning to Winston it commanded, “Give your report human”. Punctuation. Ignoring him it turned to Winston. "Give your report, human," it commanded.
15) “As you have surmised, the Doctors question was important Joel.” Punctuation. Question is a possession of Doctor in this sentence. "As you have surmised, the Doctor's question was important, Joel."
16) Joel turns to Winston; "the bio-batteries are not for domestic use. Tense, punctuation. Joel turned to Winston. "The bio-batteries are not for domestic use."
17) The alien smiles, “That’s correct.” Smiled. Period after smiled, not a comma.
18) Joel puts his head in his hands saying, “Yes, yes it does Winston. Our location was important because it was unknown to their enemy and now we’ve been discovered and I’m guessing in a short while, we can expect to be visited. They brought us into a war. Did I miss anything commander?” Some run-on issues, structuring, tense. Commander is a title. Joel put his head in his hands and said, "Yes, yes it does, Winston. Our location was important because it was unknown to their enemy. But now we've been discovered, and I'm guessing in a short time we can expect to be visited. They brought us into another war. Did I miss anything, Commander?"
19) Joel still angry, “Now we know, so go!” You need a verb here. Joel, still angry, said, "Now we know, so leave!"
20) “We're Humanoids Joel. To them we're just food,” the commander says. “Stay and be consumed.” Tense again, change says to said.
21) The commander’s communicator beeps. He answers then hangs up. “It seems I was mistaken.” says the commander, as an electric blue flash brightens the night skyline and living room followed by the thunderous sound of a huge explosion in the distance, which causes the building to shudder. Structure and tense issues. Again, Commander is a title. The Commander's communicator beeped. He answered, listened for a moment, and then hung up. "It seems I was mistaken," said the Commander. Behind him far away in the night's sky an electric blue flash brightened the horizon, followed by a huge explosion in the distance that caused the building to shudder.
Overall: Overall, definitely not the worst story I have read here. In fact, it was rather good despite the grammatical issues. You have some real talent, and with a few more edits, this piece has some real potential. I love science fiction and I like the story you have created. Let us identify with the characters a bit more, and that includes the alien race, and give us a bit more description. Thank you for the post and keep writing.
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Thanks for the post!
Elemenopy
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