Thank you for entering this story in my What If...? contest and for trying out my experimental fantasy round where you had to create your own what if question. This review is part as the judge of the contest and part in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board" [13+] and I hope it helps as you continue to write. An "Invalid Item" Review
First Impression:
I liked this story. I might be a little biased though since you used a mage character *points to username*, hehe. Great choice for a fantasy story and the idea in general, the battle through one's own psyche made an interesting tale. And this is a story that I enjoyed to read, I'm glad you entered this one in my humble little contest.
Prompt:
Yep, this works. Uses the image prompt and came up with a story specific what if question that could have produced the story in question. Definitely counts as magic too with the world and character. Hard to have a mage and have it not be fantasy. Nice job with the prompt.
Characters/Story:
There is only the one character, well unless you count the instructor mentioned since there is like a moment to her, but almost all of the story is about the one character and her walk in the wherewithal (great title and world/min creation by the way). She works for a character, strong but with enough struggle to make for tension to exist, enough of a question to get nervous while reading.
Story wise, I think you did a good job with not only the plot but the pacing of this little story. Especially since the world is limited within her psyche, but you managed to create the imagery well, especially when she ... looks down! It's like walking on a rope bridge, you are never supposed to look down but you always look down.
Other Notes:
Since this story was well written, in this section I get to be nit-picky. Mhuahahaha! Just kidding. But these are all minor things and just my suggestions of ways to polish the story.
First paragraph - This is good for the most part the lines because they are just 2 sentences come off a little long and makes for a slightly slow start. It's tough to pick the exact right words for the first line, first paragraph to draw the reader in. This is a spot you could fiddle around with in edit if you choose to do such.
Miserably she took another step forward, and then another. - This is okay as you do a good job at limiting adverbs, more so than many stories I read on WDC. However, I think in this case, the adverb chosen still weakens the sentence, especially considering the importance of her taking steps forward. This tells us she is miserable but maybe there is a way to show a bit more, or to at least use something a little stronger than the adverb form of miserable.
She shook, remember Gathri’s teaching. - This made me stumble having the inner monologue connected to the action like dialogue would have. Maybe if the sentence part was longer, more than just she shook. This might be a good spot for a little more visual of the main character or the type of trembles she is experiencing.
And to take another step along the narrow bridge. - This is one of those single sentence lines and I can tell the reason but I'm not as fond of the single short line sentence when it begins with the word "And". That feels like it needs to be connected to something even if using the word as the first one of a sentence (which in general "and" shouldn't be used as the first sentence often).
The Wherewithal had thrown so many horrors at her in that time. - Right here feels a bit in a different voice for me. The "so many" is a little generic to but also for some reason didn't feel like a good fit with the main character's voice, at least not in my head.
She herself had walked the Wherewithal so many years ago, but of course it was different for every mage. - Another spot with a "so many" so again a tad generic but also the two parts to the sentence make me feel like I missed something. But it's a good spot to point out that the challenge isn't the same every time since we don't know yet quite where we are but it gives a little hint.
In the end, all she could do was pour bittersweet catalepsy into their cups and wait. - This is how nit-picky I am being cause I like the story this much. You accidentally have 2 spaces between "bittersweet" and "catalepsy" when there should only be one. Also, what is catalepsy? I tried to look in my dictionary but it just says "a medical condition characterized by a trance or seizure with a loss of sensation and consciousness accompanied by rigidity of the body." Not sure that can be put into a cup. Or is it a metaphorical cup?
Throwing out her arms to steady herself, Tulei teetered on the lip of the path and looked over the edge. - Okay but could be developed more. You had enough word count available to show even more in this section. Great idea to have her almost fall after making a resolution that she could do the challenge. But I'd say expand the look over the edge part into its own sentence at least, if not put more into the paragraph beyond the steadying herself and looking down.
She sucked in breath; the river was there, surging hundreds of feet below. - "sucked in breath" sounded odd in my head. Well, I guess breathing is sucking in air but what's the air like in the Wherewithal? this could be examined and maybe there is a better word that breath. Maybe another sense can be added to paint more of a picture. Some recommend to try and use all 5 senses if possible, so might be something to try.
Over the Edge - In fact, the short paragraphs could all be expanded and a couple more added to describe what she sees when she does the forbidden "look down" considering the emphasis on avoiding such earlier in the round. Unless trying to submit this to a market that requires under 1k words, I think you have a little more to describe and have some more actions in this section of the story. Expand a little and see what she might see/do.
She opened her eyes.
And took another step. - This is okay but something about having the short line start with "And" bugged me a smidgen. I would have brought down the "She opened her eyes" from the paragraph above and combined them. That way the last paragraph leaves off with the italicized thoughts and we get the end line as her new resolve and taking the next step.
Overall, a great story. Hope I wasn't too hard on it but I think this has potential beyond just an entry in my contest. Please keep the item posted and viewable on WDC until I have at least announced the winners. I will greatly appreciate that. Oh, and keep writing!
Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
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