A nice, self-contained story. Let me start with what's working:
-You establish and maintain quiet and tranquility very well.
-Setting was firmly presented, and I got a good sense of color, time, and season.
-You portrayed a good sense of movement and motion; not only were the characters moving, but you established life in the outside world (pub, sport, driving, chanting)
Next, I'll consider what wasn't quite working (don't be alarmed; I'm always thorough):
-Consistency; this takes on a number of incarnations throughout the short story--
=The story opens with Arnold, but he's then referred to as "the man" at sporadic points in the narrative. This creates a distance that is unexpected and jarring, and serves to derail focus from the story.
=Assuming Arnold is a native Brit, he would refer to soccer as "football," and his driveway as "drive"; when going for realism, look up vernacular and vocab online or in books for help; I've done this before in stories and it's worked very well
-Modifiers/overwriting; this is also shown in various parts in the story, both in the prose and dialogue
=Take care not to use tags other than said or asked to carry dialogue. Even if you adhere to this, something like "he asked the intruder in an inquiring tone" is redundant. If someone is asking a question, the tone with which they ask the question should be conveyed through the dialogue, and through the presence of the question-mark alone. In other words, a minimalist approach is always best when writing and constructing dialogue.
=An example of overwriting/modifiers in the prose can be found in beginning two paragraphs
"The soft, large sun, which had kept England at 67 degrees all day, was beginning to descend over the foothills, filling the sky with a brilliant mix of sharp pink and a vibrant yellow"
-->There are way too many words to slosh through here, and the intended goal of painting a vivid image of color and temperature gets lost in the loftiness of the language. An example of paring this sentence down to good effect might be:
"The sun descended over the foothills, inking the sky with sharp pinks and wavy yellows."
-->This gives us a sense of time and temperature without relying on numbers and overly info-dumpy details. You don't need to word it this exact way, but it's always good to keep descriptions of setting simple. Don't go overboard with modifiers, and always think of strong noun and verb choice to carry a sentence.
Other content-related comments:
-Check spelling/grammatical errors
-Paragraph 2 (As he was pulling...) can be focused more. The reference to drugs seemed out of left field, and the reference to Arnold's past pulled the camera lens way to far from away from the relevant action. If the idea is to focus on his thoughts and actions and life, keep it in the moment; perhaps include something about grocery shopping or work or seeing neighbors or something.
-Paragraph 3 (He arrived at...) can be pared down. There's no need to go through that much detail. Just say what he did without agonizing over minutia.
-The dialogue isn't working for me. If a creepy intruder showed up in my house, I would not be calmly sitting in my chair and conversing with him. I'd be freaking the heck out. Make the exchange more believable. Give us some creepy (but brief) descriptions of the intruder's appearance
-Russian's dialogue was too-Russian, if that makes sense. Soviet, vodka, Moscow, Cold War...it was too token Russian, as though you were trying to hit all the Russian buzzwords in one paragraph. Make the exchange more quirky. Give us more insight into the intruder. Something like, "Sorry Mr. Arnold, but it's nothing personal. You're part of a bigger plan." Something that invokes a response from the reader while resonating with a lasting appeal.
It seems as though you wanted the revenge plot to be the focus, and the idea and execution are very interesting. The only problem is that you opened with an unrelated character (Arnold), only to reveal later what the real focus of the story was. I understand it's jarring to kill off a character we've spent time with, and that this bait and switch is part of the point, but in the context of a short story, it's a double-edged sword. You spend too much time on minutia and by the time we get to the intruder/end, we've seen too much.
My advice would be to cut down some of Arnold's more introspective parts, and get us to the intruder faster. Beyond that, make the exchange between Arnold and the Intruder last longer. Make the dialogue more quirky and meaningful, perhaps let it border on the philosophical and mysterious instead of info-dumping to Arnold and the reader. The backstory is interesting, but ultimately, we don't need to know the Intruder's life story to understand his want for revenge. In fact, it might be better to keep the conversation somewhat aimless, without revealing too much to Arnold.
Also, you may need another line break before the last paragraph. I read through it and wasn't sure that an explosion happened at all. I saw firemen walking around at the same time as the Constable, and I know that wasn't the intended goal.
Overall (and believe this or not--I know I left a lot of "negative comments), I enjoyed reading this, and I think it has so much potential. I would say it will take a bit of revising on your part, but I think you can make the premise and exchange between Arnold and the Intruder really poignant. You can even make it the focus for the bulk of the short story. For the Constable's portion to work, it needs to be fleshed out. Something that demonstrates the cat-and-mouse nature of Nicholai and the Intruder needs to happen. In this capacity, avoid being too info-dumpy and "bringing readers up to speed."
This story screams sub-text. We need to learn as much as we can about all three main characters through their actions, their dialogue, their habits, and their appearances. Scars, keepsakes, notes, speech patterns, this is how you will accomplish this.
Best of luck with this story. I eagerly await new versions.
-J
|
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
