Eliot Wild's (eliotwild) Reviews

Eliot Wild

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83 Public Reviews Given

100 Total Reviews Given

1

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3884575

Review of A Lullaby of Thunder

Review by Eliot Wild

In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hey, Tala Wolff, I stumbled upon your story on the "Read a Newbie" page. I really like the title, so I gave it a read. And here are some of my thoughts, if you want 'em.

What you have thus far is very well written in my humble opinion. I won't say your mechanics are "flawless" because, well, given my own wretchedly deficient skills at oversight and editing it's always possible, likely even, that I overlooked something. But I certainly didn't see any glaring errors, omissions, or technical missteps. So, I would say in that regard, your prose is professional quality.

So, the mechanics are sound, but what about the content? What about the substance of the story? The corpus nucleus?

Your writing is technically proficient, but is it entertaining? That's the question I'm getting at. Unfortunately, in this brief excerpt it is kind of hard to tell.

I will say this, I am an epic fantasy fan. That's really all I read as far as novels and other forms of fiction go. However, I really dig post-apocalyptic films. I even liked The Postman with Kevin Costner, and I think every other single person on the planet who saw it besides myself thought it was horrible.

It's most likely the world-building dynamic existing in both epic fantasy and post-apocalyptic stories that draws me. The two sub-genres of spec fiction have that in common. Epic fantasists must ask themselves what their imaginary worlds consist of, what they look like, what are the unique customs and cultures existing in them, those sorts of questions. And I would imagine an author writing a post-apocalyptic story must do much the same thing, literally "re-designing" a world we humans once knew but which, at some point in time, underwent a profound transformation.

You seem to be off to a good start. The first-person point of view works well here, I think, allowing you as the author to multitask. Not only do we see this new world you've crafted unfold before the eyes of this young girl, giving readers a first-hand account of its bizarre wonders and terrors, of letting us see through your character's eyes all the shocking post-apocalyptic props and properties, but we also get to more closely observe your protagonist, seeing her from the inside, so to speak, watching her develop as a character as the conflict builds. I think that adds to the overall characterization process, especially in situations like the one you've crafted here -- a young apprentice learning from the old, battle-hardened master. That's essentially what is happening here between this young awkward teenage girl and her "Pappy," at least so far, or so it seems to me. You might be going a completely different direction -- this might actually be "misdirection", setting us readers up for something we didn't see coming, with perhaps a death or disaster looming on the horizon for one of these characters -- but so far it seems like we the audience are going to learn about this world and all it's post-apocalyptic pitfalls and landmines as the young protagonist learns about it from her grandfather.

Anyway, I like it. And it passes the ultimate test: Yes, I would continue reading it. You've made me curious and eager to turn the pages.

As far as criticisms go, eh, I got nothing, not really. I will mention that a shotgun doesn't fire "bullets."

Before even thinking to scare him off, my instincts had kicked in—I balanced the shotgun on the window and bang! Like a storm rips a limb off a tree, without thought or care, I tore that boy away from his family with a single bullet.

I'm not a hunter myself, but having grown up around them I do sort of recall a type of shotgun round (I think it's called a "slug") that is similar to a bullet, in that it is a single projectile. However, typically a shotgun fires shells filled with "shot", little metal pellets or balls that when fired spray out in a pattern, looser or tighter depending on the gun's particular gauge and barrel length. I'd expect if a shotgun has been altered to fire bullets or something other than regular birdshot or buckshot, you might want to mention that or readers might see it as a mistake.

Eh, I could be wrong about all of that up there -- I'm certainly no expert on shotguns. I would just encourage you to research the matter a little bit and see if there is any legitimate reason to revise that section at all.

Otherwise, it is darn good writing, evidencing a technical proficiency I'll refer to as professional, and the story itself seems to have lots and lots of potential. I wish you the best of luck with it.

Eliot Wild

2

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3880583

Review of Troublemakers

Review by Eliot Wild

In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey, what up, Chris W? True to my word, I read your story and below are some of my thoughts.

First of all, this story is very well written. In my humble opinion, it is ready for publication. It is clean, tight, error-free prose, mechanically polished and very professional. This is a level of writing I would expect an author to be getting paid for. That's the truth, not an attempt to over-inflate your ego and make your head swell.

That's the good stuff. I could go on, but if I do your head very well might swell up, so let's move on to the complaints.

I was bored. But really, that is meaningless. Personally, I would have been bored if this were a well written story about bass fishing or one about the US Civil War. I only read epic fantasy novels, as ridiculous as that might sound. Eh, I peruse the occasional collection of poetry -- I'm a huge T.S. Eliot fan, as if my pen name didn't give that fact away. But as an aspiring epic fantasist myself, that's really all I read on a regular, routine basis.

This is a downright flawless piece of work, mechanically speaking, and to me, as a reviewer, really, that's all that matters. Seriously. It is a YA fantasy story -- not my cup of tea. But that doesn't mean I don't recognize the excellence of it or the skill obviously apparent in its composition.

Secondly, while the writing is top-notch, I was a little confused by the ending. I don't think I'm alone in that regard because I read some of the other reviews for this piece, and one reviewer seemed to think Ezzy cast a mind control spell at the end, while another reviewer seemed to think she died. I wasn't sure what really happened myself. It seemed to me Ezzy cast a "truth spell", so to speak, allowing everyone present, even her antagonist Mageris, to know the truth of Ezzy's faesight about the children. There is some intimation that Ezzy might have died, such as the reference to her gathering components needed for "one, final spell," however, it is still unclear to me as to what happened at the end and what were the full consequences and impact of Ezzy's spell. But, then again, you might be intentionally leaving the matter somewhat vague and undefined, letting the readers own imagination and personal perspective fill in the blanks. Personally, however, I would have preferred a more clear and definitive resolution.

Also, speaking of resolutions, I have one last complaint. And this is a point also made by another reviewer. The ending seems a bit "deus ex machina" to me. God from the box. If you know this term, then please ignore my blathering. The ancient Greeks came up with this. It is a plot device, one generally seen as weak and/or distasteful, in which a conflict is resolved by unforeseen powerful intervention, something the audience could never have guessed was coming. An author builds the tension to an electrifying level, leaving the audience thinking there's no way our protagonist can overcome this unbelievably daunting challenge -- because they can't -- then, in a lazily flippant conclusion, the writer just pulls God from the box to fix everything. "Oh, unbeknownst to the reader, Ezzy had been working on this amazing spell, collecting components and laying all the necessary groundwork, to overcome the forces standing against her. Tah-dah!!" God from the box. I personally believe this would be more satisfying if we the audience were brought into Ezzy's struggle in creating this spell -- we want to see how as the hero Ezzy toils to save the day, not just have the resolution whipped up at the end in a somewhat glib manner we could never have foreseen.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Taken 'em as you will. Again, the quality of the writing, mechanically speaking, is excellent, truly professional. And any complaints I gave you up above, of course, should probably be taken with more than just a grain of salt, probably with a whole handfull of salt. I'm mostly worthless as a reviewer, especially outside the realm of epic fantasy. I think you should send this story off to Tor.com or some other professional fantasy site that prints speculative fiction. I think it is that good, even if it is outside my comfort zone, and I think you should get the thoughts of some real pros about its quality and printability. (Yes, I just made up the word "printability.")

Whatever you decide for it, I wish you the best of luck.

Sincerely,
Eliot Wild

3

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3871470

Review of where has the night gone

Review by Eliot Wild

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

What's up, rickyg? I stumbled upon your autobiography on the "Read a Newbie" page and thought I'd give you some thoughts, if you want 'em. If not, then by all means, ignore everything that follows. That's cool.

But if you'd like to read the thoughts of a passing stranger, then here we go...

First of all, I want to congratulate you on taking up this project. A single human life can be quite an interesting subject for a book. Yours, mine, Elvis Presley's, Martin Luther King Jr's, the Queen of England's, anyone's, really. Okay, maybe not mine so much because I'm boring, but I would be interested in reading about someone else, especially someone who, as a minister, has most certainly plumbed the depths of their own self-awareness, weighed and balanced their own spiritual and material estates, given comfort and consultation to others, and met God, the Divine Engineer and Creator of our universe.

So, I congratulate you on this endeavor and wish you the best of luck with it.

Secondly, let's look at one particular paragraph of your work in progress:

OK know you have gotten to this point and you are probably thinking what dose any of this have to do with me and how am I going to get anything from his life that would be a benefit to me? And where can I get ride of this book? Well be patient and keep reading and before were done something just might come along that starts to shed some light somewhere in the dark places of your soul and you will say oh! I get it.

A lot of aspiring writers here at WDC post material for others to review that is as of yet unfinished. The problem with that is, for reviewers, we don't really know what state of revision and editing these projects have reached. Really, it is best if only fully polished work is posted for public consumption and evaluation, but that rarely happens around here. The reason I bring up this point is because you have several mechanical missteps in your prose up there, at least I think so. These are items you might catch in later drafts and therefore aren't terribly concerned about right now, but I wouldn't be doing my job as a reviewer if I didn't point 'em out and make some suggestions.

I think it is best if writers always set off introductory words and phrases with commas. Also, there are a few spelling errors up there, as well as what I would call a mechanical oversight... or two. Check it out...

Okay, know now you have gotten to this point, and you are probably thinking what dose does any of this have to do with me and how am I going to get anything from his life that would be a benefit to me? And where can I get ride rid of this book? Well, be patient and keep reading. and Before were we're done something just might come along that starts to shed some light somewhere in the dark places of your soul, and you will say, "Oh! I get it."

The revisions I've made are merely suggestions. Every author has their own unique prose voice and writing style. Mechanical elements such as spelling and punctuation, for the most part, are fairly arbitrary -- either a word is spelled and used correctly or it isn't. However, there are a few "suggestions" I made up there which are less arbitrary, more a matter of personal taste, so to speak. For the latter type of suggestions, feel free to ignore those if they don't mesh with your own personal style. The misspellings, however, I would encourage you to fix.

Now, about those less arbitrary suggestions of mine. Let me explain 'em and make one or two more which, again, you're obviously free to ignore. First, I broke up one of your sentences in that paragraph because it was really, really long and contained the repetitive use of a single conjunction. The word "and" appears in that single sentence three times as you've written it. To some readers, that might not be bothersome, but to some others it will be. As a reader, I most enjoy prose that is dynamic and variegated, even downright kaleidoscopic, colored with various shades and hues, crafted from sentences and paragraphs of assorted dimensions, yet balanced, acquiring much of its beauty and eloquence from a sort of graphic and linguistic symmetry. Wow, that was a mouthful. But I hope it makes sense.

Next -- and this, again, is just a suggestion -- I'd really get rid of the part where you tell the reader to be patient. Some readers, if they find themselves bored and uninterested in a story, will be indulgent, giving the author a bit of rope and a wide berth, hanging in there during the dryer parts out of hope or confidence that the material will pick up, become more entertaining and/or more relevant to them personally. Most will not, however. Most will stop reading and move on to another book, move on to someone else's autobiography maybe. Perhaps there is nothing "technically" wrong with an author saying, "I know this story might seem colorless and uninteresting right now, but just hang in there, Mr. and Mrs. Audience, it's going to get a whole lot better, I promise," but that's just, kind of, sort of, a weak hook. Just sayin'...

So, anyway, that's just my personal opinion. But that's what we're here for, right?

Finally, it's time now for the compliments. Your writing is very clear and conversational, well delivered and captivating in places. Obviously, you know the subject matter. So, you're well-versed and well-researched on the material, namely your own life. When writing coaches, editors and advisers say, "Write about what you know," well, you sure got that one in the bag. Your delivery is relaxed and intimate, eye to eye with the reader, not dropped on their heads from some lofty perch. I like that. It's what I shoot for in my own writing. And you do it very well.

All in all, you've got a pleasantly entertaining prose voice, one that will engage the readers while retelling the story of an entire human life. So, keep it up. Again, I wish you the best of luck with this and all your other writing projects.

4

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3738537

Review of The North and the South

Review by Eliot Wild

In affiliation with The Editing Room

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hello, General Pierre Gustave Toutant Beauregard. Thank you for submitting a story to the Editing Room for a Technical Review. I'm Eliot Wild, and I'll be acting as a second set of eyes for you today. So, let's get to it...

Jack Kenneth eyed the Confederate grey uniformed battalions marching out of the town, war torn and weary faces were stuck in the battalions.

This is a comma splice. You have two independent clauses (clauses that have all the necessary elements of speech to act as stand-alone sentences, hence they are "independent") bridged by only a comma. Here is a link to the Purdue Owl, an English grammar and writing site that I use a lot for technical advice:

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/engagement/index.php...

Jack Kenneth eyed the Confederate-grey uniformed battalions marching out of the town. (End Stop) That is a complete sentence, or it is an independent clause, containing a subject and verb, all the necessary parts of a sentence to stand independently by itself. If you want to bridge it to another independent clause, you really need some punctuation stronger than a comma, such as a semi-colon.

War-torn and weary faces were stuck in the battalions. (End Stop) Again, just like the independent clause preceding it, this section of prose can "stand alone", as a complete sentence, with all the necessary parts, namely a subject and a verb. "Faces were stuck..." That's a complete sentence, believe it or not. Or again, it is an independent clause if conjoined with another block of prose to make something more intricate, like a compound-complex sentence.

Now, perhaps you already know all of this, and the comma splice in your first sentence was just an errant bit of punctuation, a typo maybe. If so, then forgive my verbosity in going on so long about it. But in these reviews I try to "over-explain" myself, at least initially, just in case a writer doesn't realize what they've done wrong. From here on out, I will just point out any additional comma splices without boring you to tears with pedantic lectures and tedious website links.

Oh, one more thing... You have a couple of compound modifiers up there in those sentences. Compound modifiers are two separate, distinct words that are put together as a modifier to describe something. "War-torn" is a good example of a compound modifier. Here's another link that talks about how compound modifiers require hyphens.

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/576/01/...

However, all of that being said, I did a Google search for "Confederate-gray", and didn't really see anyone hyphenating those words. So, eh, you got me. I would hyphenate it as a compound modifier, but you're probably okay to forego the hyphen in that particular instance.

Wounded after the defeat at the Battle of Tennessee.Jack Kenneth and in front of him. He turned his head to see the city of Columbia burning. His eyes raged in anger. Those damn northerners had burnt his land. His state, his city.

In this section, you have a few technical issues. I don't like referring to technical issues as "mistakes" because they might not be. Some writers intentionally circumvent or brazenly break the rules of grammar and composition for purposes of style or for other intentional reasons. So, in that regard, please take all my comments with a grain of salt. You might be doing something outside the normal model. If that is the case, please ignore what follows.

Wounded after the defeat at the Battle of Tennessee. You have placed end-stop punctuation after this phrase, but it is not a complete sentence. So, you have yourself a fragment there. I use fragments all the time in my writing for what is supposed to be functional effect. Love 'em. Swear I do. However, if the effect you're creating isn't somewhat obvious to your readers (especially if those readers are professional editors, agents and publishers), then fragments just come off looking like mistakes. This is what is normally referred to as an introductory phrase. Wounded after the defeat at the Battle of Tennessee... It is also known as an "adjectival phrase" because it acts as a modifier, describing a noun. In this particular instance, it actually describes the subject of your sentence. Who was "wounded after the defeat at the Battle of Tennessee? Jack Kenneth was. That whole phrase modifies a noun, your subject, Jack Kenneth. The second sentence in that section is another fragment. Jack Kenneth and in front of him. I think this is merely an oversight in copy-editing. I don't think you intend that sentence to be written as it is.

The next three sentences are fine as written, but I believe you need to adjoin the last two of that section up there I've highlighted. I don't like suggesting rewrites for authors. No two writers have identical deliveries; everyone's prose voice is unique. So, the way I would write something will be totally different from the way another author might approach the same set of sentences. So, keeping that in mind, what follows is not so much a suggestion, but just an example of how this section could be re-written for technical accuracy:

Wounded after the defeat at the Battle of Tennessee, Jack Kenneth turned his head to see the city of Columbia burning. His eyes raged in anger. Those damn northerners had burnt his land, his state and his city.

Jack had been a plantation owner before the war, becoming one of the most powerful plantations owner across the entire Carolinian state.

"... one of the most powerful plantation owners..." I think in this sentence you just need to move the "s" from the end of plantation to the end of owner. Just a typo.

He owned more plantations than anywhere else and had experienced the votes of secession before the war, he'd personally believed that slavery should be held for those who were the scum of the Earth.

A couple of things with this section. First of all, I don't understand what you mean by Jack's experience with the votes of secession. I will admit that I'm not a civil war buff, and my knowledge of American history, Civil War era, is woefully lacking. So, this might be a turn of phrase that more knowledgeable readers and Civil War enthusiasts more easily recognize. But as a random reader, someone unfamiliar with the genre of historical fiction and fairly ignorant of Civil War era history, I don't know what it means. I know about voting for secession, the political decision of the southern states to secede from the Union, but I don't understand what it means that Jack had "experienced" the votes of secession nor what relevancy it has on the story. Depending on how broad an audience you're trying to reach, you might want to clarify this a little bit, give those of us unfamiliar with the Civil War a bit of context and explanation.

Secondly, you have another comma splice. Those are two independent clauses up there. Or they can be stand-alone sentences. So, you should either use end-stop punctuation to separate them or use conjoining punctuation to bridge them.

He had commanded battalions and driven of Yankee soldiers, even still having to suffering defeats.

I think in this sentence you have a typo or two. I'm not sure what you're trying to convey, so I won't try to suggest a rewrite. I just wanted to point it out to you so you can make any changes you think the sentence needs.

The New Year was 1865; most of the Confederacy's strength and Generals had gone in vain. All had died in the attempts to keep the Confederacy and slavery alive. Now, Lee and his war cabinet struggled to maintain the once powerful Confederacy which had existed four years before. The Confederacy had been awakened by the destructive forces of the North. The Confederates were now retreating backwards thanks to Sherman's march to the sea campaign. The North's Generals had struck at them, beating them whenever they had the chance. The new year was 1865; most of the Confederacy's strength and Generals had gone in vain. All had died in the attempts to keep the Confederacy and slavery alive. Now, Lee and his war cabinet struggled to maintain the once powerful Confederacy which had existed four years before.

There are no real technical errors I can find in this paragraph, however, you have repeated some of the sentences verbatim, leading me to believe this is a typo and/or an oversight.

The Telegram was printed in Block Letters, black and plain, like a(n) Offical telegram.

In this particular sentence, you have some capitalized words which I don't think need to be. Again, these instances might just be typos or oversights, but I wanted to point them out to you. I have underlined all the instances above I believe you have errant capitals that should be changed. Ignore me if you are doing this for a specific literary purpose.

I notice after having checked over the first few paragraphs of your story that I am already up to nine-thousand words in my critique. These technical reviews are not designed to be line-by-line copy-editing sessions. They are, more or less, reviews which focus more specifically on the technical aspects of your work.

Keeping that in mind, here are my critical thoughts:

As I mentioned earlier, I am not a civil war enthusiasts, so this type of story is pretty far afield of my usual reading. However, I like that you've focused on individuals for the purposes of delivering your narrative. It is just my personal opinion, but I think readers are more 'grounded' when you give them a single character or limited group of characters to follow along with. In this story, we begin with Major Jack Kenneth, seeing the ravaging effects of a nation in war with itself, as that war effected the individual. That centralizes the conflict and grounds the reader. I think that sort of approach is more compelling than staying broad and wide with the lens, so to speak.

You are doing a lot of good things here, General, but I believe your story could use a lot of cleanup, a whole lot as a matter of fact. I don't mean that to be rude or overly critical. I simply want you to get as much help from others on this site as possible. Even though this is a "reviewing website", most reviewers will avoid long pieces with lots of typos. Even in these technical reviews, which are designed more specifically for mechanics, a reviewer can get too bogged down in the technical stuff unless an author has cleaned up as much of the mechanical miscues as possible. In other words, you'll get more out of these reviews if people aren't just pointing out oversights and typos to you. Get all of that stuff out of the way so reviewers can focus on far more important items than errant sentence redundancies and the like.

Finally, I think you might want to break this piece up into smaller sections for online consumption. I know it shouldn't be the case, but people simply find it hard to sit down, read and review long pieces, especially outside of their genre. That's why poetry is reviewed probably twice as much as prose around here and on other reviewing sites. Eh, that's just my opinion, but I bet I'm right. I'd cut this down to about two-thousand words or less per section, giving reviewers less to focus on. It will be less intimidating to them, and I bet you that you'll get more feedback. I'll be glad to eat my own words, but I think really long fiction pieces overpower some folks.

All in all, I think you have the foundation for an entertaining read. Again, I like your approach, your decision to ground the story right out of the gate with strong character-writing. I hope that makes sense.

As for any technical errors in the later sections, the ones I didn't touch on, I don't mind doing line by line editing for a writer at no charge. That's what we're here for -- to help each other out. However, that sort of thing takes a tremendous amount of time for a story this long. The goal of this review was to point out a few technical issues you might be struggling with and give you an outside perspective on the quality of the work and how it reads to a random reviewer outside the genre. I think your ideas, your approach to creative writing and storytelling, are high quality. In other words, I think you have the makings of a damn good story. I would suggest you go back through it with a fine-toothed comb, cleaning up all the typos and simple mistakes you can catch yourself. After as many of those are out of the way, as many as possible anyway, you'll probably begin seeing more substantive reviews, critiques that tell you how people are responding to the story, rather than how they're stumbling over minor grammatical and compositional errors.

I hope this helped at least a little. Good luck with your story whatever you decide to do with it.

From the Technical Review Team,
Eliot Wild

5

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3685440

Review of Darkness Becomes Her

Review by Eliot Wild

In affiliation with The Editing Room

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello, CallumWest. Thank you for using the Technical Review Request Forum. Sorry it has taken a few days to get back with you. We're still working out some kinks. But never fear, we got you covered.

So, on to the review...

After reading your piece of rhythmic prose, I must say, uhh, you don't need my services. Technically, your item is sound. I had momentarily considered using the word "flawless" in describing it, but I know sometimes I have a tendency to miss a few things, so I won't necessarily go that far. But your mechanics seem tight to me -- no missteps in grammar or punctuation that I can find, nor do I see any spelling errors or structural problems such as fragments, comma splices, run-on sentences, etc. It is mechanically impeccable...

Except one spot:

She speaks no lies, death, her one true conviction.

To be honest, I wouldn't necessarily say there is an error or miscue at all in that particular line up there. I like it. It's sly, yet expressive, conveying poetic meaning. Therefore, it is functional. It is also quite lyrical and beautiful. Yes, I like it a lot.

However, it isn't "technically perfect." I'm definitely not suggesting you change it. But I will give you my thoughts, and then you can make your own decision about whether you want to do any revising to it.

She speaks no lies. That is a complete sentence, containing the mandatory subject-verb arrangement. When conjoined with other clauses or phrases to make a longer, compound sentence, it becomes known as an independent clause -- a clause capable of standing alone, if necessary, so, it is "independent".

"...death, her one true conviction." This subsequent section of prose, however, just seems to be tacked on to the end of your sentence. Now, don't get me wrong. I like it. I think it works. And in my opinion that is far more important than whether or not it is "technically" right or wrong. Gifted and famous poets, authors and artists of all types have brazenly broken "rules" when doing so suited their purposes, and often times the art was made all the better because these innovators defied convention. In my humble opinion there is only one real rule to writing: do whatever is functional, whatever works to best express your meaning and your art to your audience, to leave the reader with that literary 'effect' you sought to impart. And I believe you have done just that with this sentence, even if it is mechanically questionable.

It speaks to me of the honesty of beauty and the beauty of honesty. Beauty is inescapable. Some philosophers have claimed it to be the "only" truth we can be certain of. I don't know if there are gods and angels looking down from above, but I know by God when I see something beautiful that rocks my world and stirs my soul. That is the honesty of beauty.

And the other part of that equation is that there is a loveliness in truth. Truth is beautiful, even the simplest axiom, for its perfection, its flawless symmetry and irreproachable absoluteness. When I take two things and join them with two other things, no matter where I am on this planet or within this universe, I will always arrive at the conclusion I have made a group of four things. 2+2=4. How freakin' beautiful, huh? A lot of mathematicians think so. But seriously, there is beauty to be found in absolute truths. It's why we often respond emotionally to things we feel are confirmed absolutely in our minds, our hearts and our souls.

And I think your line conveys a bit of that. She speaks no lies, death, her only conviction. There is certainly one truth we can all be sure of regardless of gods and devils, angels and demons. Death is a certainty. And even as frightening as that be, the notion carries a certain hideous beauty with it. Eh, it's what I think, and your prose expresses that in a poetic way.

So, since there are no real mechanical deficiencies, let's consider the less arbitrary aspects of this piece, the non-technical qualities.

It reminds me of one of my favorite lyric poems by Lord Byron, She Walks in Beauty Like the Night.

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

So, it seems your rhythmic prose is in some very good company. Byron was no slouch. And neither is your prose 'slouchy', CallumWest. It is eloquent and lovely, a bit mysterious and subtle, just like the object of its focus, the darkly beautiful lady whom it is about. At least I suppose.

If I were to make any criticisms, personally, I would like to see you go deeper with this piece. As it stands, it is a quaintly esoteric bit of lyricism showing how beauty and darkness are two qualities often found together and poetically enhanced by one another, intertwined, especially when personified, given a human face and image like that of a dark and lovely lady. But your piece is quite short and uncomplicated. That doesn't mean it lacks quality, by any means. But there is room to play with it, to flush it out, to really dig down and see how all these poetic notions are inter-related, how raven-esque wonder on a pitch-black night, mellow'd to tender light, and all that is best of dark and bright, come together to reveal true beauty. Eh, or something like that.

I wish you the best of luck with it.

From the Technical Review Request Team,
Eliot Wild

6

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3679426

Review of The Hindenburg 1.0

Review by Eliot Wild

In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

From the Technical Review Team

Hello, Midnight Flame. Thanks for using the Technical Review Request Forum. Let's take a look at your story.

I don't mean to get over-excited about finding typos and other missteps, Mr. Flame, but, well, it is my job. So, let's begin by talking about some of those types of things. Check it out...

He could almost taste the drag of the tobacco already, making his heart beat quicken.

In this particular usage, "heartbeat" is one word. If you were using the word "beat" as a verb, then you'd be right to separate those two words, writing it as you have up there. His heart beat faster.

But when used as a noun, it is a compound word: heartbeat. His heartbeat quickened.

Just a typo most likely. No big deal.

Okay, this next one is a bit subjective. But not really. I will certainly admit in commenting on this next sentence I am bringing to bear my own personal perspective, but I think it is something I should mention to you. You can decide whether or not it makes any sense and whether or not you want to make a change to your prose.

“Idiot!” Tom chopped the lighter from Dick’s hand, clattering it to the floor.

This sentence indicates a combination of actions took place. Tom knocked the lighter from Dick's hand, chopping it, I suppose, like a ninja turtle would do, and the lighter then fell to the floor, clattering around when it landed. Right? If I'm wrong, please ignore this whole point I'm trying to make.

Tom wasn't "clattering" the lighter, not like one might go about clattering pots and pans, banging 'em around and making all kinds of noise and ruckus. He simply sent it "clattering" to the floor when he chopped it out of Dick's hand.

I like your use of verbs, here and throughout the story. You are skilled at using fresh, active, piercing verbs that catch a reader's attention and make the prose pop-out of the page. But be careful with 'em. Make sure the verbs really describe the action that is taking place. How about this:

“Idiot!” Tom chopped the lighter from Dick’s hand, sending it clattering to the floor.

Again, I realize this is a bit of a subjective call, a matter of personal perspective. So, I will not be offended at all if you think I'm crazy and leave this sentence as you have it. I just think the lighter did the clattering after it was chopped from Dick's hand. Tom did not really clatter it. Subtle distinction, but one I stick by.

"...but the low ceiling of the steel framed compartment restrained his hunched back."

I believe "steel-framed" should be hyphenated. It's a compound modifier. Here's a link to one of my favorite writing reference sites, the Purdue Owl: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/576/01/... This is a link to a section on hyphen usage, and the very first example covered is about compound modifiers.

“Try hydrogen, nitwit! Light that here and you’ll blow us all sky high.”

Dictionary.com says "sky-high" is hyphenated. Pshaw!! What do they know? Huh?

Anyway, I just thought I'd point it out to you. Here's a link: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sky%20high?...

I think you ought to combine the two sentences below into one. It's just a small technical matter, and you know you're certainly free to ignore me. But it just seems to flow better as a single unit, with all of that correlating action taking place at once. Dick collapsed to the floor and whimpered, his salvation gone.

Collapsing to the floor, Dick let out a whimper. His salvation, gone.

His cream, v neck, plaid sweater would have looked sporting...

Dictionary.com says "v-neck" should be hyphenated. What is those guys' problem? Will they never shut up?

But, uh, yeah, seriously... I think they're right about this one.

Not to mention all the babes.’

You have an errant apostrophe stuck in there. Dictionary.com had nothing to say about errant apostrophes, but I figured I'd mention it to you anyway.

Okay, I personally use commas all the time when they're not really necessary pursuant to the "technical rules" of composition. I use 'em as pacing devices, establishing rhythm and setting a particular gate and stride to the prose. Eh, at least that is often my hope. Sometimes I fail miserably. I also use 'em simply to create pauses for the readers in particularly long sentences, as well as for other various, nonessential applications.

So, keeping that in mind, I realize we all have our own distinct prose style and unique writer's voice. At least, that is the goal, to forge a recognizable feel and sound, a distinctive pitch, timbre and resonance to our own written work, whether it be prose or poetry.

To that end, if you are using certain comma placements for 'stylistic' reasons, rather than mere mechanical ones, then ignore the following comment. I don't think you need the last comma in this sentence:

They come from such a peaceful, inclusive society, after all.”

Commas are required, per the rules of English composition, for separating adjacent modifiers. That's true. So, the first comma up there is necessary. I think the second one is unnecessary, and I further think it busies your prose too much and makes the sentence seem cramped and overloaded. Just my opinion, however.

Again, if you're using it for a specific purpose, one that is more stylistic than mechanical, then by all means ignore me.

That's all of my "technical suggestions". These technical reviews are not meant to be line-by-line editing sessions, and in reading the whole of your story I saw more mechanical missteps and typos later on, but nothing grave and grisly, nothing that a solid bit of oversight and cleanup wouldn't fix. Near the end there are a lot of typos. Uhhh, no offense, I'm just sayin'...

But the good part of this review is this... I think your mechanical skills are top-notch. I don't think you actually need a "technical review". You're obviously very confident with advanced prose. Your writing is fluid, clean (for the most part, except for everyday oversights and omissions), very streamlined (which is rare around here) with not too many superfluous, unnecessary words dragging on the prose; your voice is active, impressively alive and bustling with effective verbiage that keeps the narrative tight and constantly streaming; and to top it all off you have a keen writer's eye that seems to focus the lens at the best possible angle for storytelling, not to mention your delivery is witty and in places downright hilarious.

This is a well-told story. Tom, Dick and Harry are three likeable nitwits, it seems, and you have fictitiously placed 'em in a clandestine moment of world history, making them the 'cause' of the Hindenburg disaster. Clever. Very clever. And again, it is well-told.

So, I don't really think you need my services--I don't think you need a technical review. However, your story could use some line-by-line copy-editing. It doesn't appear that your mechanical skills are lacking at all, however, the story you've tendered for review does appear to be a bit rough and unrefined. If you'd like a second set of eyes to go over the whole thing, hitting every single typo and technical error, I wouldn't mind doing that for you. Just send me an email and let me know. Otherwise, I would just encourage you to give it a good bit of editing yourself, and good luck whatever you decide to do with it.

From the Technical Review Team,
Eliot Wild

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#3497486

Review of Judgement Day

Review by Eliot Wild

In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello, Finn O'Flaherty ...

Don't look now, but I'm coming at you like a speeding train, like a flashing meteor tearing across the night sky, like forked lightning streaking toward unsuspecting terra firma, bringin' you a member-to-member Rising Star Review ...

... Okay ... I guess now you can look.

I read your story Judgement Day. It is a crafty little piece of work--very clever in it's set up as well as in it's shifty, ironic twist at the end. It's like something O. Henry would have written if he did prison stories.

Do you know what I liked best though? It was the character descriptions. Well, at least the one. That's all that was really needed for this short piece. You really sketched a fully-realized picture of John in just a few paragraphs. Not only did we get a good look at him physically, which I personally enjoy because sharp, lucid imagery, especially when it comes to characters, tends to better ground me as a reader in stories, but we also came to know this man a little bit. At least we came to sympathize with his earnest attempts at 'redemption'. I certainly did.

Heck, You know me, and you know I am a swords-n-sorcery guy, mostly. I hang out at CSFS and usually gravitate towards stories about elves and dragons and wizards and penguins. Okay, I know penguins aren't necessarily viewed as classic fantasy material, but I just really love that cartoon The Penguins of Madagascar. It's a hoot.

But you grabbed my attention early in this story, and even though nobody cast any magic spells, nor was there a single sword fight, I still became engrossed, hangin' on each paragraph to see how the whole thing would conclude. And of course, it ended just as I suspected. I certainly wasn't surprised.

Okay, I'm lying. Again, I think you executed this tale quite well, this little bundle of irony and the I-didn't-see-that-coming ending that slaps readers in the face.

I can't be all about the compliments though. Pshaw, what kind of review would this be if I didn't have one or two complaints, at least little ones. I caught a few technical missteps--none you probably won't catch yourself eventually. Here's an example:

At that moment a paper went flying past his nose and landed on his bed a little girls face was looking up at him.

This is the same sort of thing I do in drafts. You probably made several edits to that opening paragraph and just overlooked this minor glitch when all was said and done. But I believe you got yourself a run-on sentence there. How 'bout: "At that moment a paper went flying past his nose and landed on his bed. A little girl's face looked up at him." Or something like that. You might combine those two stand-alone sentences with a conjunction of somekind or with a semi-colon or with my personal favorite--a dash. Dashes are cool!!

Oh, plus, you need to make 'girl's' possessive.

There were a couple of other minor mechanical flaws, but nothing that distracted my enjoyment of the story.

The only other complaint I had was, maybe, I'd like to have known a little bit more about John's criminal history. And that's only because I just personally think knowing what this criminal did that was so bad that it would create a public outcry against his organ donation to the little girl--I think that background information might make the ending more ironic, more powerful. Let's face it, the irony at the end hinges on his attempts to finally do something good for a change, to do something meaningful for another person, an innocent person. But alas, fate holds no respect for innocence nor for good intentions. And sometimes, well, you-know-what just happens. I know you know what happens because it is the last word of your story. Yeah, that's what just happens sometimes.

Again, your skillful handling of a tricky literary element was very cunning. I look forward to reading more of your stories.

Eliot Wild

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#3497125

Review of Blogocentric Formulations

Review by Eliot Wild

In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hello, SoCalScribe ...

I read your diatribe. Well, not all of it, mind you. And I didn't really start reading it with the intention of doing a review. You were nice enough to send me some thoughts, so I figured I'd just get to know you a little by reading your blog before moving on to another piece.

But, man, I was rivoted by your observations and by your delivery. I am not a blog person, neither as a writer nor as a reader, for the most part. And I suppose it has something to do with my ingrained aversion to maintaining a personal journal or diary myself. Although, I must say I have always found them somewhat useful when forced by circumstance to keep them. Such as the "Day Book" reqired by a former professor from whence I salvaged a poem recently, one you were kind enough to review, thank you.

Your thoughts are keen. I especially appreciated your ... how shall I say it ... your ethical observations. And it's not just because I agree with many of the conclusions you reached. That wouldn't be much of a review if I just sat here and agreed with you.

No, most simply stated, I admire your ability to communicate, to craft even your most random thought into an accessible, yet still penetrating expression.

For example, to a passing reader who might have traditionally responded with ambivelance toward a misleading opinion poll, you give us astute cause to pause and think twice.

'Cause to pause'? Really?

Eh, I'll keep it.

But, anyway, you also gave this particular reader a reason to maybe check out your diabtribe on a regular basis.

If the practical draw of a blog, at least from the standpoint of the reader, is to allow us to view our own life's more random mini-conflicts and intimate storms with a bit of coaching from a practiced voice, then I say, "Score!!"

If the practical draw of a blog, at least from the standpoint of a writer, is to organize and somewhat better filter his or her own life's more random blah, blah, blahs, then I suppose only you can answer that. But from my seat, it appears to be working quite smashingly.

I am sorry about your grandfather. Your Ode was poignant.

Thanks for sharing your inner voice with us,
Eliot Wild

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#3491157

Review of Drops of Mercury (Prologue: Part Two)

Review by Eliot Wild

In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hey, Kleo ...

Ready or not, you're about to be ambushed by a CSFS Assassin on a Spring Elven Review Raid. I'm coming at ya like the black breath of Morder, silently and deadly, as if a Ringwraith passed gas somewhere and I was what appeared ...

Wait a second ... I really got to work on my metaphors.

Anyway, I stumbled across your story and thought I'd give you some thoughts. I read a lot of fantasy--epic, high fantasy mostly. And you're story caught my eye.

First of all, I'd not be doing my job properly nor would I be doing you any favors if I wasn't somewhat critical, pointing out there are just a few minor mechancial glitches in your two chapters for this story, or in the two separate installments of your prologue, I should say.

However, all and all, for an early draft, which I assume from your description is what we're looking at, I would say this is a fairly tight piece of prose. You're writing, at least the more technical elements of it, seem quite developed for an eighteen-year-old. I wish my mechanics were this error-free in my drafts.

Of course, that's not to say the more stylistic aspects of your writing have anything wrong with them. It's just that mechanics are more arbitrary, less arguable. It's easy to point out that an author has a misplaced comma or that they failed to catch a particular grammatical mistake. It's a bit harder to chide someone over questionable structural arrangements, word usage, set up, timing, delivery and all the other less-fixed elements of fiction composition.

Let me see if I can try, however. The following suggestions are not meant to be 'authoritative'. God knows, I have no idea what I'm really talking about. These are just some thoughts I'd like to throw at you. You should take 'em for what they're worth--just the random notions of a deadly Elf Raider who moves like the wind and stalks his prey like a ... like a ... like a thing that stalks prey really well. See, what'd I say about needing to work on my metaphors.

Steel sparked above me, my head shot up, and before I could so much as blink, Cauldebron’s sword plummeted; my back arched backwards, my eyes widened, and the world around seemed to blacken, to disappear, until all I could see was the flashing edge of the long blade as it speedily approached my face...

I love this opening. "Steel sparked above me ... " This is a crafty, well-composed opening, at least up to a point. I love the way you use strong action verbs in the early sentences ... "Steel sparked ... my head shot up ... Cauldebron's sword plummeted ... "

However, you kind of veered away from this poignant craftsmanship at the end. Instead of employing sharp, keen adverbs that distinctly carry the weight of the narrative and draw distinct images of the action taking place, you dip into the old, big bag of adverbs to tell us how the "long blade ... speedily approached" the narrator's face.

How 'bout, just as an idea, something like this ... "Steel sparked above me. My head shot up, and before I could so much as blink, Cauldebron’s sword plummeted. I arched myself backwards and my eyes widened, yet the world around me seemed to blacken, to disappear, until all I could see was the flashing edge of Cauldebron's long blade speeding toward my face."

Professional editors hate adverbs ... absolutely hate 'em. And forgive me if you already know that. But get used to hearing this advice. Adverbs generally indicate weak verbs that need to be reconsidered. Adverbs generally demonstrate a 'telling' approach to composition rather than 'showing'. Adverbs are minions of hell ... blah, blah, blah. Well, all this is true, mostly. But I personally am not the type of reviewer to set fire to every single adverb I run across. But in the last part of your paragraph above, I think you could exchange that adverb for a more clever subject-verb set up and keep your narrative more active, more fluid, and more likely to smack your readers upside the head, forcing 'em to keep reading forward.

I believe you have a clear writer's eye. I was engrossed in your detailing of the battle scenes, which is very important for drawing interest to any sort of action-adventure stories in this day and age, or at least in my humble opinion. Whether for good or for ill, fantasy fans have thousands of options these days for getting their fanta-juices flowing--television, internet gaming, movies, video games, a whole assortment of mass media fixtures that employ fast-paced, rivoting action and stunning visuals. I simply, humbly believe in our medium, we fantasy fiction writers must be willing to compete by keeping our narratives tight, action-packed and aggressively progressive.

"Agressively progressive" ... ? ... Eh, I think I'll keep it.

Furthermore, and I guess most importantly, I thought your story was entertaining. I want to get to know this character more fully. I want to learn more about this imaginary world and this spiraling, bloody conflict you've dropped your cast into. You have teased me just enough to make me ask what in the hell is going to happen next. And that, in my humble assassin's opinion, is the most important quality of writing good fantasy fiction.

Good luck with the story,
Eliot Wild

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#3490764

Review of End of Life

Review by Eliot Wild

In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey, Ella Thomas ...

I stumbled across your poem and decided to make it the subject of my first review for the CSFS Elf Raid. That's because, with its spooky, deadpan delivery that leaves readers the hollow impression of gaping psycho-emotional emptyness and unrelenting human longing, it reminds me a lot of my hero and namesake, T. S. Eliot. "We are the hollow men. We are the stuffed men ... Lips that would kiss form prayers to broken stone."

Your poem, Ella, has the same dreary effect on its audience as Mr. Eliot's, or at least it did on me. It left me feeling gutted, as if I'd just watched every hope and dream of finding meaning in life crushed, distorted and discarded.

Good job!!

Seriously, I find this piece to be a bit of sly work. The execution is crafty, the poetic voice dry and vacant. The poet's eye is coldly, almost ghoulishly, detached, neither sympathetic nor contemptuous of those poor, lost souls who yearned deeply, passionately ...

... and alas were left even in death with only dry mouthfuls of nothing but metaphoric sand. To me, it calmly screams there is perhaps nothing after this life, no heaven, no hell, no meaning, only upturned, lifeless eyes wanting something divine, yet finding only death.

I love it. It truly is a poem that has far more going on below the surface than what appears at first glance.

Good luck with it,
Eliot Wild

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#3456738

Review of Martin Luther King Jr., A Man Among Men

Review by Eliot Wild

In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...

Rated: E

| (5.0)

I don't do many drive-by reviews. I am a swords-and-sorcery fantasy guy, and I usually confine my inept critiques to that genre. I stumbled upon this piece through the "Random Reads". I stole the liberty of reading some of your other work too. As a matter of fact, it wasn't this particular poem that first came up. But I found it in your port and was pretty much moved to comment.

It should also be said that I rarely review poetry. To be honest, the stuff intimidates me. Sure, I try to write it sometimes. But trying to put into words what poetry 'does', that is a description to thus far elude me. And I struggle trying to suggest to others ways they might make their verse better.

Fortunately, for the purposes of this review, I won't even try to go there. If there is a way of making this particular poem 'better', it is beyond me to find it. That is a realm into which I have not so deeply gazed, sir.

From whatever angle or incline I observe it, this composition is impressive--the craftsmanship enviable. When writing a review, I will usually try to make suggestions about pesky mechanical glitches or questionable stylistic choices that might be giving a writer fits. Nope, none of that stuff in this poem, at least not that I can see. I would like to refer to this composition as 'masterful', but I must admit I'm simply not qualified to tender such a judgment. But I'll say it again, the craftsmanship on display here is enviable. I wish my writing were this high and tight, to steal a metaphor from your background perhaps.

I don't know if it'll be any big help to you, but I will try to tell you specifically what I found most admirable about the poem.

I must tell you truthfully that when I read the opening couple of lines, I was afraid this poem was going to be just another formulaic ode to a great man. There is a catchy, almost sing-song rhythm evoked in that opening, which I prematurely and mistakenly assumed would attempt to carry the movement of the verses and the weight of the poem's heavy theme from beginning to end. But this poem is far more clever than that. Actually, 'clever' is the wrong word--that makes it sound like a gimmick or gadget. This poem is simply smarter and finer that I was prepared for.

I was reading along, following some simple, self-imposed beat in those opening lines:

From Atlanta to Memphis
his star burned bright,
snuffed out too soon ...

To my embarrassment, I wasn't prepared for the subtle shift that follows, the one that slows this catchy movement, turning the overall gate of this poem into something more graceful:

but isn't that the way
of truly good and Godly Men?

This refrain is the bass-drum soul of the poem, deep and resonant. It adds with startling drill-sergeant efficiency a power and control that restrains the somewhat more lyrical and lighter verses marching up to it in each stanza.

Okay, now you see why I rarely review poetry. I'm horrible at writing it. My metaphors are ugly trolls.

But I hope you can see what I mean. And I'll also add, not only is this poem structured craftily, with a nuanced rhythm and pacing, but the resounding thought at the end of each stanza lends enormous thematic weight to the piece, at least in my humble opinion. This poem is not just about the death of the man, but about the legacy of an icon. This refrain--actually, this entire composition, slyly delivers a profound warning to all admirers of Dr. King who follow. Not only is the road possibly troubled for men and women treading in his footsteps, but dang!, you got some huge shoes to fill. Of course, that is certainly what makes the man worthy of such odes.

I rarely give out perfect ratings. It's not because I have some sharp, skeptical wit capable of constantly finding room for improvement. It is because I rarely presume to tell another writer they have composed something flawless, something beyond improvement.

But this time, I don't care if I'm being presumptuous. I certainly can't tell you how to make it better. So, I'll just offer it praise. Thank you for making it available to us.

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#3445088

Review of The Visitor

Review by Eliot Wild

In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

I took you up on your offer to browse around your port. As I mentioned to you before, I am weak when it comes to poetry, downright intimidated by it as a matter of fact. So, I rarely review it. God knows what kind of damage I could do critiquing poetry and to what extent my untrained perspective and malformed opinions might send another's budding work spiraling off-track toward some dismal literary abyss. But I really liked what I read. I will try to give you some thoughts on your verse at another time. Right now, I want to stick to the single piece of prose found in your files because I really hope to see more like it in the future.

Anyway, let me give you my standard qualifier: I'm still fairly new and still fairly inexperienced at the art of critique. So, take all my comments and suggestions for what they're worth. These are simply the random thoughts of a passing reader.

First of all, you have a keen writer's eye. The observations you make and the manner in which you present them, the way you describe to others the world you're passing through, reminds me a lot of Joan Didion. I hope you like Joan Didion. If not, please forgive me and believe me when I say, I love her voice and wit. So, making such a comparison is meant to be a compliment. If, on the other hand, you've never read Joan Didion, then you should go out immediately and get a copy of Slouching Towards Bethlehem. It's one of my favorite works of creative nonfiction. I don't remember if the following is from that particular book or not, but here is a sample of Didion's prose:

“We are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not. Otherwise they turn up unannounced and surprise us, come hammering on the mind's door at 4am of a bad night and demand to know who deserted them, who betrayed them, who is going to make amends. We forget all too soon the things we thought we could never forget.”

You seem to have a similar sort of voice--one capable of lulling us into a false sense of safety with a poet's light lyricism right before you strap us down, pry our eyes open and force us to look at that which we might rather not see. Believe me, if you can sustain that voice, that power, maybe even hone it to a fine edge through dedicated practice and with assistance now and again from others, I'll certainly come back for more.

You obviously have a poet's sense and a poet's skill, an inexplicable lyrical dexterity capable of ferreting out that which many others fail or refuse to see, as well as a uniquely personal, passionate manner of transposing your observations to the written page.

But enough with the compliments. Goody-goody, ephemeral peer-praise is great for bolstering your confidence, maybe, but it's really little use for anything else. So here are some thoughts:

I'd restructure this and future pieces for online consumption so as to make examination of your material more accessible for browsing readers. I know that sounds like a purely cosmetic, superficial suggestion. And maybe it is. But let me show you what I'm talking about:

The sunlight through the venetian blinds reveals the most brilliant greens from my Sunday garden. It’s windy, in fact squally. Little shower bursts rinse the washing every time it is just about to dry.

It is only a small space around the house but it feels like mine and I’m wondering how many others who lived here before me felt the same way. It is strange how we get so attached to miniscule pockets of the world no matter how humble they may be. If I use my imagination, my garden feels like a private park. It’s a little unkempt but I like it that way...flowing with leaves and fallen blossom, a few weeds sprouting here and there, agapanthus, a mass of sword ferns and a pond that sustains some very hardy goldfish.

The birds like it here too and I consider that a recommendation.

Today I feel settled for the first time in ages. There is a sense of calm that has eluded me for weeks...maybe months. It is probably because I won’t be going in to work next week.

It is a sublime relief. Christmas is just six days away and there is a lot to do but there is no structure to that and I’m kind of eager to engage in the randomness of little uncerebral chores. No deadline imminent, no phone, no email popping up insistently on my screen. It is like breathing normally again.

Maybe it's just me, but it seems by separating the paragraphs in the piece and thereby airing it out, eliminating that cramped, overly busy look, it simply becomes more inviting to the eye. Sure, purely cosmetic. But it will help to draw more readers and get you reviews that are far more insightful and therefore far more helpful than mine.

In most of my reviews, I try to shy away from suggestions on mechanics. It just kind of seems a waste of time unless someone has specifically asked for more detailed, copy-editing thoughts. Most mechanical flaws are merely oversights that an author will catch in future drafts. But I did want to bring up one pesky technical point about your piece only because I didn't know the answer initially and actually had to run to Dictionary.com for some impromptu research. Check this out:

"...I’m kind of eager to engage in the randomness of little uncerebral chores."

It seems the correct word for 'not cerebral' is 'non-cerebral', or at least according to dictionary.com. Heck, I didn't know the answer 'til I looked it up. But I still understood what you meant when I first read it. You are talking about those sorts of mechanical activities, mundane housework maybe, that we do without the need to think about them too much. Again, I only mention it because I was curious about the word myself. And since I took the time to look it up, I figured I tell you what I found.

There were a few minor technical glitches that caught my attention, but nothing ghastly and glaring, nothing that caused me to do a double-take or that distracted me from the overall beauty of the piece. You do have an amazingly keen eye for detail and imagery. Another aspect of the story I personally liked is the way you keep all the action out front in the narrative, so to speak. This is a piece of creative nonfiction, I believe. You can let me know if I'm wrong. But for lack of a better description, that's what I'm calling it. And as such, I don't think it's necessarily prudent to make the normal reminder that it's better to 'show' the reader items rather than simply 'telling' them. You know better than anyone else what you hope to accomplish and what narrative 'effect' you're hoping to leave with your audience. But regardless, you still did a fine job, in my humble opinion, of keeping the action active and readily present in the narrative.

I will complain a bit about one thing. I think I understand what you're doing at the end. You are personifying depression, so to speak. Depression is "The Visitor" who makes his appearance at the end, watching as would a companion all your actions right up to the close of day, lying down beside you at night as you sleep even. At least I think that is it, and we are seeing things at the end from this grim visitor's perspective. It was a bit jarring to me, coming as it did seemingly out of nowhere, causing a bit of confusion. But that could simply be that I'm somewhat slow. Other readers may not stumble as I did in walking through this part. Personally, I like this idea. I would even like to see it more active in the story. It is just a suggestion, please disregard it if you find it out of place, but you might consider making 'depression' a constant companion throughout the narrative, making his appearance earlier and giving us his observations along with your own. You could make it sort of a dualistic perspective, giving us your thoughts, then shifting perspectives and voice to that of The Visitor more frequently so that the reader has more time to digest the product of this second narrator, maybe. Again, just an idea.

Good luck with it whatever you direction you decide to go.

13

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#3444403

Review of Moons of Hizara

Review by Eliot Wild

In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Okay, I got a story for you . . . Stop me, if you've heard it:

A wealthy, powerful man has a worker he sends to the market place one day. After just a little while of being gone, the worker comes running back saying he needs loan of his master's fastest horse. He tells his master he must go to Samarra. When asked why, the worker says that while at the market he saw Death. And worse still, Death 'glared' at him.

So, the master, being a good man, gives his worker a horse and the frightened man speeds off, riding headlong toward Samarra. Later, after giving the matter some thought, the wealthy, powerful man goes down to the market himself to find Death and confront him. Upon find the grim figure, he asks, "Hey, what's the deal, huh? Why did you 'glare' at my worker and frighten him so?"

Death, a bit taken aback, replies, "Well, I have no idea what you're talking about. I certainly didn't mean to 'glare' at your worker. I was just surprised to see him here at the market. I have an appointment with him tomorrow in Samarra."

Ta-da!!!

What was the point of that? It is an abbreviated version of a tale by Somerset Maugham called 'An Appointment in Samarra', and your story evokes the same sort of destiny-laced, deterministic fatalism found in Maugham's tale, or at least it seems that way to me.

I read some of the previous reviews for this piece. And it seems to me you've already been given some pretty good advice by others. I certainly can't add any more helpful suggestions than what you've already been given. Furthermore, the piece is obviously quite short and your mechanical skills seem top-notch. Heck, I wish my writing were so tight and my delivery as poignant. There are certainly no ghastly mechanical flaws to harp on, nothing that distracted my attention or caused me to do the proverbial double-take. And you seem to be well ahead of the game when it comes to 'craftsmanship'.

So, what can I give you that is substantive and not just well-intended, ephemeral compliments? How 'bout this: "Quickly, he pushed the thoughts of her out of his mind..." --What if you said, "Quickly, he pushed the thoughts of her 'from' his mind..." instead, thereby eliminating a pesky repetitive preposition and undue wordiness by exchanging two items for one?

Uhh, that's really all I got? Did it help? Okay, I only saved you a single word. And heck, your version may be better anyway.

Seriously, I only have one nit-picky criticism to make. In having read the other reviews, I noticed that a lot of voices were asking for a more fully flushed narrative, so to speak. And these voices might be right if, as they anticipate, you are going to make this a longer story. However, I was struck by the poignancy of this truncated tale. Again, it evokes a sense of fatalism, of perhaps cyclical tedium and ultimate meaningless. Oh, the people function well enough in their neat, dualistic world--the reds doing their thing half the day before running from the destructive light of a blue moon, followed by their Zok counterparts fatalistically doing likewise for the other half of the day before getting chased to bed by the light of a ruthless red moon.

So, what's my criticism then? If this is meant to be a sharp, penetrating piece of short speculative fiction that hits the reader in the gut like Maugham's fatalistic tale, then the open-ended possibility that his mom made 'the crossing' seems to leave your 'arc' unclosed.

If, however, this is not supposed to grimly depress us and make us think that all of our humanly expressions and gesticulations are ultimately futile and meaningless because they simply drive us unerringly to our own certain ends, then I will complain about an incomplete 'arc of conflict'. By leaving open the possibility that his mom made 'the crossing' and therefore maybe Zevin or others could too, we are left with an unresolved conflict. If this story is unfinished, then please forgive me and ignore my complaint.

If this story is supposed to be a counter narrative to fatalist tales like Maugham's, one that leaves us a sense of hope, perhaps even purpose in trying to effect change around us rather than just blandly accepting our fates, then like some of the other reviewers, I'll politely ask for a bit more. If that's the thematic force that drives this beautifully composed piece, please tell me how the arc closes. Does Zevin ever make it? Because for now, he basically just thought about trying but ran back to the house. So, what happens later?

You have mad skills. I also read your other piece about the tower with the stark infinity images. Like this one, it is a piece of crafty composition. Both pieces are constructed with rich, lyrical language, but still they have heft to 'em. Dare I say, they might even border on being profound.

I am still fairly new and woefully inexperienced at the art of critique, so please take all my comments and suggestions for what they're worth--just the random thoughts of a newbie. It may have been your explicit intent to exit without shoving a resolution in our face. Obviously, your piece is crafty and subtle. And perhaps you are striking for an effect that doesn't leave us all the answers, because ultimately maybe there are none. That would certainly make the closing words, "one day...", sharply ironic and bitter tasting. However, again, take it for what it's worth, I'd personally like to see you make a more complete statement. And believe me, that is solely a matter of personal taste. It is powerful even sitting the fence, as it does, if that is your intent. Might Zevin ever make the crossing like maybe his mother did? Or will he just blindly ride headlong toward Samarra where Death awaits an appointment? Oh, sorry, wrong story. You did such a good job, though, we are all dying to know the answer.

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#3440165

Review of Life's Lessons

Review by Eliot Wild

In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Anyone who quotes Emerson gets an immediate twenty-five point bonus on my review. Heck, make it a cool one-hundred point bonus. That's how much I love Emerson. Mr. Emerson longed to give America a voice, when as a nation it was yet learning to speak, when it was still feeding off the literary crumbs of European masters. He told American writers to quit looking backward at some remote ancestral model. He urged a nation of young writers and thinkers to find their own unique voices. He might as well have been talking to every writer around the world today:

"Books are the best of things, well used; abused, among the worst... I had better never seen a book then to be warped by its attraction clean out of my own orbit, and be made a satellite instead of a system... Genius always looks forward. The eyes of man are set in his forehead, not in his hindhead. Man hopes. Genius creates."

That's Emerson. I think that's brilliant.

I didn't mean to go off on a rant. This is a review of your material, not an ode to Ralph Waldo Emerson. And reviews are not about points, anyway. For me, they're about giving candid, meaningful comments and suggestions based on my initial impressions of a person's material.

So, here we go:

I'm a newbie myself, so take the following for what it's worth. These are just my random thoughts. It seems to me, having read your post on the newbie page, that you are looking for a medium of delivery for your internal monologue, those constant conscious thoughts demanding that you inevitably, someway and somehow, let them out in some form, in some pattern.

You said you were thinking of writing a 'journal'. And this piece, Life's Lessons, seems to fit that mold. It is a first-person, expository vehicle for exploring your thoughts, feelings, motivations, conflicts, etc., and relating them to an audience. I liked it. I liked the voice sounding from the page. I liked the possibility of stories swimming there, but as of yet those stories are still underneathe the surface of the water.

That brings me to my first suggestion: You should bring them out and let them breath air.

Most certainly, start a journal if you are comfortable pouring personal items, often times unfiltered, on to the page. A journal will probably provide you, not only an outlet for pent up conscious clutter, but also a notebook for filing and considering other projects. And this is really the suggestion: Show us the story your journal is telling us about right now. And, I know, you are going to hear people telling you 'til you can't stand to hear it any more, "Show me, don't tell me. Show me, don't tell me." But even when you really can't stand to hear that advice anymore, that's when you must tell yourself the exact same words.

"My experiences have definitely left me scars that have either altered my personality or driven barriers that are hard to break due to heartache."

I still get lost myself when it comes to the more technical aspects of writing. My prose is frequently hobbled by errors in mechanics, punctuation and grammar, undue wordiness, obtrusvie articles and flat verbage. So, I am in no position to preach to anyone. In reviewing your piece, I can only try to point out some questions I might ask myself when composing my own prose. So, ignore me if I tell you something stupid and wrong. However, what if we 'streamlined' your narrative a bit to hopefully bring about a more consequential impact on the reader: "My experiences left scars, either altering my personality or erecting barriers hard to break through due to heartache."

I don't know. Ignore it if unduly alters the meaning.

I was hoping to make a more weighty point anyway. You can play with the technical elements 'till the commas come home, varying pacing and rhythm to fit your specific needs for a narrative. I really wanted to ask for more details about these 'experiences' you speak of.

Whether practiced or not, you have a very clear delivery. You voice is accessible, interesting and just teasing enough to have readers like me say, "Okay, you got us. What happened?"

Show us these experiences. How should you do it? Eh, forgive me for bailing on you at this point, but that is really your decision. And honestly, I don't really care. If you maintain this endearing voice as a narrator, clear, thoughtful, reflective, I'll probably be entertained with whatever you decide to produce, with whatever you decide to show me, whether it be expository, bio-based fiction, or just the wild imaginations of a mother of three. I look forward to whatever stories you have yet to craft.

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#3439769

Review of The Hero and the Rogue

Review by Eliot Wild

In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

As I promised, I took a look at your story. Thanks again for reviewing my piece and giving me your thoughts on it. Your review was insightful and helpful. I now hope to be able to return the favor. Let's see if I can do that.

I'll give you my standard qualifier: I'm still fairly new, as you know, and I'm still fairly inexperienced at the art of critique. So, take all these comments and suggestions for what they're worth--just the random initial impressions of another fantasy lover.

That segues perfectly into my first thought, which is that we appear to share an appreciation for swords-n-sorcery fantasy. I love epically-styled tales that employ 'conventional' fantasy elements, things such as magic, undead and legendary beasts, not to mention the classic archetype players like you have here, a Wizard, a Rogue (or Assassin, perhaps), and the 'faithful' Knight.

There is a bit of irony attached to my modifyer 'faithful' used above when describing the character of the knight. You have a sharp 'writer's eye', I think. Knights such as Rorick are 'faithful', but maybe only, as you have shown, to their own original oaths and declarations of fealty. It was a surprise to me, as I believe you most certainly intended, when Rorick acted against this impromptu group of adventurers to assert his own predisposed interests. But you provided the reader strong reasoning as to why Rorick acted as he did. And you 'showed' us something about Rorick's character by having him choose as he did. Alas, Rorick, we were just getting to know you well. Too bad. This 'twist' added texture to the story, which is so important when employing conventional elements in fantasy, or so at least I believe. Texture and freshness: two vital qualities of fantasy.

That brings me to my next thought, although this is merely a cautionary one and not necessarily needed, at least not that I can see from having read this short piece. Beware when employing conventional elements of penning the formulaic. I constantly chide myself in this apsect. Since I like to both read and write about these classic fantasy props, I believe it is vital to freshen these ingrediants with new, unique and original fantasy elements as well, that way the time-tested doesn't come out reading like the time-wearied. Again, I certainly didn't see that you fell into that pitfall. I just believe it so important to fantasy composition and plot development, that it bears harping on.

Okay, I got no effective segue for my next thought, so I'll just throw it at you. I love the pacing and movement of this story. I wish my writing were so tight, that it kept all the action right out front in the narrative, so to speak. You read my piece, so I hope you know what I'm talking about. I tried to slyly introduce necessary information into my plot with character dialogue and in a 'show-me-don't-tell-me' attempt at fiction assembly. Heck, you got your characters moving and fighting for their lives within the first few paragraphs. Before the story had concluded, at least to this point, you'd alrady given us at least half a dozen head-to-head encounters and fights. I have bards singing songs and students struggling through lectures in my short narrative, while you have within the first three thousand words or so a cool ogre fight, two or three undead encounters, a betrayal and an unseen fight to the death between our primary characters. Good job, I say, good job.

But I can't be all about the compliments, or at least I'm not supposed to be. So, here's some thoughts on mechanics and other pesky elements of storycraft:

I stumbled a few times on what I believe were technical missteps. Nothing that terribly distracted my enjoyment of the story, but bothersome once or twice nonetheless. For example:

"The armor had a hood that protected his head and opened under his arms so that could better maneuver the shield on his left arm and wield the sword sheathed in his belt. A tabard with an eagle and crossed sword emblem, the symbol of the Brotherhood of Cleansing Light, hung over the chainmail and was held tight by a leather belt. He looked around and nodded. He stood in a field outside a large city from which smoke rose from many fires. Amid the city skyline were several blank spaces where buildings had been before an assortment of pirates, goblins, and other scum had overrun the place."

There are a few items in this section of the narrative that caught my eye, most are probably just rough copy-editing flaws, things that will be cleaned up later, so hardly worth harping on. But I also thought there were a few places you could have tightened up the movement as well. But, far be it from me to preach about pacing, as hobbled of rhythm and active voice as I sometimes tend to be. But along with adding a few missing words and considering some possible punctuation changes in this section, what if you also attempted to streamline the prose somewhat by keeping it all as active of voice as possible, like this:

"The armor's hood protected his head and opened under his arms so that (he) could better maneuver the shield on his left arm while wielding the sword in his right, the sword now sheathed on his belt. A tabard with an eagle and crossed-sword emblem, the symbol of the Brotherhood of Cleansing Light, hung over the chainmail, held tight by a leather belt. He looked around and nodded. He stood in a field outside a large city. Smoke rose from many fires. Amid the city skyline were several blank spaces, gaping holes where buildings stood until an assortment of pirates, goblins, and other scum overran the place."

Please don't think me too presumptuous, but I eliminated some passive verbs and replaced a few others with more 'descriptive' ones, like changing "...where buildings had been..." with "...where buildings stood..."

I don't know. Obviously, these are purely stylistic choices. By all means, please disregard them if they don't fit your narrative voice or if they don't fit your approach to this particular story.

And here's another purely stylistic matter, just a personal suggestion to perhaps freshen the classic elements. I liked these characters, especially as perfect formula replicas of others I had seen before, the wiley rogue, the crafty mage and the hearty warrior. And I realize in a short piece like this, there is only so much you can do without slowing down the movement of the narrative. But what if you tweeked 'em just a bit, gave the players some abnormal ticks and tocks, some distinct personality quirks.

I don't want to make specific suggestions, because these are your characters. And I certainly don't want to be turning your clever thief into a stuttering obsessive-compulsive, or something like that. But what about that? Okay, that is not meant to be a suggestion as much as an example. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying the characters are 'flat'. You've made them distinct and memorable in this short story. But you could possibly even add to their depths and richness with some 'uncommon' flavorings. And in doing so, add 'texture', which I mentioned earlier. Again, it's just a stylistic observation and one to be ignored if it clashes with your individual style.

Man, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I'd gone on so long, saying so very little. I liked the story. I hope this is not the last of it or the last we see of these two particular characters, the surviving ones, that is. But if you can pull of a George R.R. Martin-style resurrection of Rorick in a later chapter, well, that'd be cool too.

Good luck with it.

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#3436728

Review of Kings, Queens, Princes and Omens

Review by Eliot Wild

In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

To answer your question from the prologue's introductory "Note*", yes, you should develop this into a 'book or something'. At least, that's my vote.

Before I get too far ahead of myself, let me give you my standard qualifier: I'm still fairly new and inept at the art of critique, so please take the following comments and suggestions for what they're worth--just the random thoughts of a newbie.

I've actually read some of your other material before stumbling upon this piece. And I've meant to write you in the past but have inadvertinently become sidetracked both times. I've read Strange Stories from Beijing, which I really liked. And I've also read the Slum Pickings chapter. That too was quite entertaining. I especially enjoyed the tricky street cant you crafted for the thieving moppets in that story.

To say the least, I enjoy your writing. I like the whimsical tone I hear in it, but I am also impressed with your ability to convey a particularly earnest and eloqent voice in your prose as well, as is found in the closing paragraphs of this short prologue. It seems you have 'range', an admirable and enviable depth of storytelling talent, and you appear equally capable of evoking grins, outright laughter, or a timely shudder, depending on what you're presently crafting or upon on what strings you're pulling.

So, having said that, I find myself at a loss to provide you a more substantive critique. I'm not supposed to be all about the compliments, or at least I try not to be when writing a review. I always try to look for some aspects of 'craft' or for some nit-picky mechanical elements that lend themselves to a suggestion or two.

So, how about this:

"He stepped forward to extend his hand and the king clasped it in military fashion, with each gipping the others forearm."

Okay, you're missing a 'r' in "g(r)ipping" and you should probably make "other's" possessive, like I just did. LOL. Seriously, that's all I got.

Really, your mechanics are admirably sound. I wish my writing was this tight. When reviewing, I will often caution fledgling writers to avoid the same pitfalls I often clumsily stumble into, such as undue wordiness, employing useless obtrusive articles and other unnecessary words that grate on the reader and hobble the step of the narrative. I find nothing like that mentionable in your prologue. Unless...

"As the apprentice inhaled lungfuls of precious air, the king attempted to smooth out the now warped collar, all the while averting his gaze sheepishly."

I struggle sometimes to effect a voice that you seem to invoke naturally, or at least effortlessly. I sense in your writer's voice what I referred to earlier as a certain 'whimsical' quality, a near mischieviousness that is capable of sharply provoking the reader to thought or emotion at times or just poking us playfully to a smile or to laughter. Let me ask you a question: Is this quality or 'tone', if you'd prefer, something you consciously strive for, as I often do, and if so, do you ever find it sometimes getting in the way or do you ever find yourself upon reflection of a particular piece thinking you were a bit heavy-handed with its use?

Now, I hope you can appreciate my candor at this point, because this is the exact sort of question I would ask myself when examining my own fiction. Did my capricious and careless tone distract me from crafting a more streamlined narrative and perhaps distract, as well, the reader from a clearer, keener inspection of the story I'm telling?

In the part of the narrative I quote above, I believe we hear your whimsical voice at play. And don't get me wrong, this is certainly comical; if not downright funny, then at least somewhat farsical. The physican's apprentice thinks he is going to be ripped to shreds by the distraught King, yet Luther only ends up choking the lad a little and crumpling his collar, which the monarch then tries unsuccessfully to fix. This is a bit of farce. This is funny, in my humble opinion. And you do a great job prozaically of conveying this bit of comedy, made even all the more poignant given the sullen atmosphere crowding this section of the narrative due to the worrisome health of both mother and babe.

But could you streamline it even more than you've done thus far, without losing any of the meaning or mirth. Would it be even tighter if you exchanged a verb or two for something more 'descriptive' of the action and lose an unnecessary modifyer or two, like this: "As the apprentice gulped lungfuls of air, the king attempted smoothing out the now warped collar, sheepishly averting his gaze."

I don't know. I warned you early on I am inexperienced and inept; now I'll warn you I'm pedantic and picky. This is certainly a suggestion based on my own personal tastes and it may clash exquisitely with your own individual style. I get the idea of saying "'precious' air". But all your readers probably understand how ridicuously prescious is air to living, breathing humans. Why not show us how precious it is to the apprentice when he gulps it in draughts after being choked by the King's meaty digits. Then, you don't have to tell us what we already know, how 'precious' air is--you've shown us.

Again, I'm not lecturing on this account. You certainly don't appear to need remedial advice about the 'show-me-don't-tell-me' aspects of fiction assembly. But it would be the kind of question I'd ask myself.

Anyway, that's all I got for now. I love fantasy, especially tales with epic-style props and conventions, time-proven elements such as magic, elemental forces, dragons, undead, elves, dwarves, and all the fixings. I'm excited that you are writing what might be such a story. I know too that fledgling writers, such as myself, have a tendency to pen the formulaic when employing these conventions. I certainly don't feel you've fallen into that trap, at least not from having read this short prologue. And it would be grossly unfair to even attempt such a judgment after only having read as much. I will gladly approach the rest of this story, if you decide to pursue it, with a bit of faith that you're capable of balancing the 'proven' elements with fresh 'untried' ideas. And I will certainly approach it with a great deal of interest. Yes, I think you should continue. But also take that encouragement for what it's worth as well: I'm a horribly selfish reader and reviewer, and I personally want to read more of this story, please. Good luck with it, whatever you decide.

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#3434767

Review of The Guardian Bond: Prologue

Review by Eliot Wild

In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Let me point out right up front that I'm still fairly new and admittedly inept at the art of critique. I will certainly try to give you my most candid impressions, but take them for what they're worth: just the random thougths of a newbie.

It appears that you and I both have an appreciation for 'classic' fantasy. I enjoy stories that employ conventional fantasy elements such as dragons, undead, wizards, elves, dwarves, etc. You've apparently read those kinds of tales, or so it seems from your able handling of classic fantasy elements in this prologue. But, forgive me, I will try not to assume too much either. You did warn the reader, I believe, to be prepared for something a little bit different.

My initial reaction is always the same when dropped into a story with time-tested conventions. I'm predisposed to be interested. Give me a good dragon story, and I'll probably be entertained. Heck, give me some not-so conventional elements, such as a helpful purple fox who can read minds and communicates through mental telepathy, and I'll be entertained as well, especially if the narrative is crafted to balance the 'proven' with the 'untried', thereby enhancing the power of both.

So, already having observed your ability to juggle these items, I don't think I need to dwell on some other initial thoughts I had, such as perhaps the one to caution you that when using conventional elements newbie writers, like myself, will sometimes pen the formulaic. I am forever waking up to a page of my own fiction, which appears in reflection, that someone else wrote long before me and they did it far better than I ever could have. I certainly don't feel like you've fallen into that particular pitfall, at least not from having read only the prologue. It would probably be unfair of me to attempt such a judgment at this point anyway.

I will attempt to 'judge' a few things though, based solely on my own personal reading tastes, rather than some 'formula'. Well, I suppose it would be my reading 'formula', but forgive me my hypocricies. I'm rife with 'em. Heck, I'm still trying to figure out all this writing stuff myself. And sometimes I get confused. I am certainly in no position to preach to others.

About mechanics: I am torn as to whether or not I should make specific suggestions. I read this story in two separate sittings and noticed during the second reading that you had made some recent changes to mechanics. So, I realize you are constantly copy-editing and revising, as I do too, all the time. I don't want to waste your time with nit-picky items you're going to catch eventually.

But I suppose I should point out a few spots where I had questioned your mechanics because I saw the same 'effect' recurring in other places.

"She flicked the end of her braid back and forth, wrist-thick and chestnut colored, itwas pulled over one shoulder and coiled in her lap."

This seems to be a run-on sentence. No biggie and it certainly didn't distract me too badly, even though that is usually the effect of too many recurring technical glitches. They distract the reader from full enjoyment of the story. It just seemed to me it should read like this, maybe: "She flicked the end of her braid back and forth, wrist-thick and chestnut colored. It was pulled over one shoulder and coiled in her lap."

You could replace my 'period' with a semicolon, or you could engage in a deeper revision, re-aligning the structural components to more aptly fit the action, in my humble opinion. Please ignore me if I'm only making stylistic suggestions that don't necessarily fit your particular approach to this story, but it seems to me her hair is the subject of this sentence. That's what your using to color this narrative right now, right? Why not make her hair the subject of the sentence then, since it is forced to carry the weight of the action. All the descriptions here cover Jaharwynn's hair, so why not, "Pulled over her shoulder and coiled in her lap, wrist-thick and chestnut-colored, the end of her braid flicked back and forth, bouncing in the sure grip of Jaharwynn's delicate fingers."

Okay, so I went a bit overboard with the 'bouncing delicate fingers'. But I hope you get the idea, and I hope it's somewhat helpful. If not, by all means, disregard it.

But I did see what I believe were a few other run-on sentences. Again, nothing that necessarily distracted me, but still creating a stumbling effect nonetheless.

"Tirania, younger her sister, was one of a chosen few who had been born with the Oricle spark; she received fortellings from the Oricle, but did not remember them so far."

This one just has a misaligned word in the adjectival clause. And now I'm just trying to impress you with my fancy use of the term 'adjectival clause'. What clause? The one that modifies Tirania, her younger sister.

But I'll also throw out another suggestion based solely on my personal taste. What if you restructured this to remove the passive verb: "Tirania, her younger sister, was one of the few born with the Oricle spark. She received foretellings but so far she did not remember them."

Ehh, I don't know. It doesn't really streamline the sentence(s) that much. But I thought I'd mention it nonetheless. Just something to think about.

I tend to get longwinded and end up saying little of substance. Sorry. Again, I am by nature inherently attracted to stories with these fantasy elements, and I am looking forward to where you go with this. I am curious about the structure, the dual storylines at play. I wonder why you began your narrative focused on Jaharwynn and the dragons. I will approach the tale with a bit of faith and certainly a good deal of interest to see how it develops. Good luck with it.

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#3434764

Review of The Guardian Bond: Prologue

Review by Eliot Wild

In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Let me point out right up front that I'm still fairly new and admittedly inept at the art of critique. I will certainly try to give you my most candid impressions, but take them for what they're worth: just the random thougths of a newbie.

It appears that you and I both have an appreciation for 'classic' fantasy. I enjoy stories that employ conventional fantasy elements such as dragons, undead, wizards, elves, dwarves, etc. You've apparently read those kinds of tales, or so it seems from your able handling of classic fantasy elements in this prologue. But, forgive me, I will try not to assume too much either. You did warn the reader, I believe, to be prepared for something a little bit different.

My initial reaction is always the same when dropped into a story with time-tested conventions. I'm predisposed to be interested. Give me a good dragon story, and I'll probably be entertained. Heck, give me some not-so conventional elements, such as a helpful purple fox who can read minds and communicates through mental telepathy, and I'll be entertained as well, especially if the narrative is crafted to balance the 'proven' with the 'untried', thereby enhancing the power of both.

So, already having observed your ability to juggle these items, I don't think I need to dwell on some other initial thoughts I had, such as perhaps the one to caution you that when using conventional elements newbie writers, like myself, will sometimes pen the formulaic. I am forever waking up to a page of my own fiction, which appears in reflection, that someone else wrote long before me and they did it far better than I ever could have. I certainly don't feel like you've fallen into that particular pitfall, at least not from having read only the prologue. It would probably be unfair of me to attempt such a judgment at this point anyway.

I will attempt to 'judge' a few things though, based solely on my own personal reading tastes, rather than some 'formula'. Well, I suppose it would be my reading 'formula', but forgive me my hypocricies. I'm rife with 'em. Heck, I'm still trying to figure out all this writing stuff myself. And sometimes I get confused. I am certainly in no position to preach to others.

About mechanics: I am torn as to whether or not I should make specific suggestions. I read this story in two separate sittings and noticed during the second reading that you had made some recent changes to mechanics. So, I realize you are constantly copy-editing and revising, as I do too, all the time. I don't want to waste your time with nit-picky items you're going to catch eventually.

But I suppose I should point out a few spots where I had questioned your mechanics because I saw the same 'effect' recurring in other places.

"She flicked the end of her braid back and forth, wrist-thick and chestnut colored, itwas pulled over one shoulder and coiled in her lap."

This seems to be a run-on sentence. No biggie and it certainly didn't distract me too badly, even though that is usually the effect of too many recurring technical glitches. They distract the reader from full enjoyment of the story. It just seemed to me it should read like this, maybe: "She flicked the end of her braid back and forth, wrist-thick and chestnut colored. It was pulled over one shoulder and coiled in her lap."

You could replace my 'period' with a semicolon, or you could engage in a deeper revision, re-aligning the structural components to more aptly fit the action, in my humble opinion. Please ignore me if I'm only making stylistic suggestions that don't necessarily fit your particular approach to this story, but it seems to me her hair should be the subject of this sentence. That's what your using to color this narrative right now, right? Why not make 'the end of her braid' the subject then, since it is forced to carry the weight of the action. All the descriptions here cover Jaharwynn's hair, so why not, "Pulled over her shoulder and coiled in her lap, wrist-thick and chestnut-colored, the end of her braid flicked back and forth, bouncing in the sure grip of Jaharwynn's delicate fingers."

Okay, so I went a bit overboard with the 'bouncing delicate fingers'. But I hope you get the idea, and I hope it's somewhat helpful. If not, by all means, disregard it.

But I did see what I believe were a few other run-on sentences. Again, nothing that necessarily distracted me, but still creating a stumbling effect nonetheless.

"Tirania, younger her sister, was one of a chosen few who had been born with the Oricle spark; she received fortellings from the Oricle, but did not remember them so far."

This one just has a misaligned word in the adjectival clause. And now I'm just trying to impress you with my fancy use of the term 'adjectival clause'. What clause? The one that modifies Tirania, her younger sister.

But I'll also throw out another suggestion based solely on my personal taste. What if you restructured this to remove the passive verb: "Tirania, her younger sister, was one of the few born with the Oricle spark. She received foretellings but so far she did not remember them."

Ehh, I don't know. It doesn't really streamline the sentence(s) that much. But I thought I'd mention it nonetheless. Just something to think about.

I tend to get longwinded and end up saying little of substance. Sorry. Again, I am by nature inherently attracted to stories with these fantasy elements, and I am looking forward to where you go with this. I am curious about the structure, the dual storylines at play. I wonder why you began your narrative focused on Jaharwynn and the dragons. I will approach the tale with a bit of faith and certainly a good deal of interest to see how it develops. Good luck with it.

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19

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14 days may be credited.

#3434037

Review of An Angel Born Among Humans

Review by Eliot Wild

In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Please bear with me. I am still fairly new and inexperienced at the art of critique, so please take the following comments and suggestions for what they're worth: just some random, first-impression thoughts of a fledgling writer.

I read some of the other reviews. And I believe you've already been given some sound advice. And I don't want to waste your time harping on things you've already been told.

I will, however, repeat one bit of recurring advice you've been given, at least so I can perhaps seque into some other thoughts that occurred to me while reading this short opening to your story. It is this: Be mindful of the ever-loved, ever-hated aspects of 'show-me-don't-tell-me' fiction assembly.

Please forgive me if you find my suggestions meaninglessly remedial, but since I have only read this small introductory bit of prose, I can't really see where you're going with this story yet nor can I see how you might be planning to get there. So, ignore any advice or criticisms made irrelevent by forthcoming content in the story.

Personally, I think it is okay to sometimes 'tell' your reader a few things. For the most part, readers want to see your story unfold before them. Hence, we want the writer to 'show' us the action rather than simply 'tell' us about it. But if a character, such as a first-person POV narrator, is telling us things that reveal his or her (or its) character, things that actually 'show' us the personality of this narrator, then I am often times okay with that technique and usually entertained by it. Of course, this is only my untrained, individual perspective based on my own personal tastes, but I liked your opening, not because I am not bothered by the possibility of a troublesome 'telling' current running through it, but for it's potential to ultimately 'show' us something if you craft this character and this story cleverly enough.

Let me explain it like this: I love Ann Rice. I make no apologies for it. I find her writing highly entertaining. One of my favorite opening passages in any novel, one that still sticks in my head to this day, goes something like this: "I am the vampire Lestat. I'm immortal, more or less. The sustained light of the sun or the heat from an immense fire, these things might kill me. But then again, they might not."

Bam! There is the vampire Lestat in a nutshell. Haughty, arrogant, unapologetic, in our face, telling us who he is and showing us something about his character. Now, if I took my newbie pen to Ann Rice's aforementioned paragraph, I might be tempted to say, "Uh, Ms. Rice, would you mind showing us Lestat being immortal and surviving seemingly fatal wounds, and could you perhaps show us how Lestat is impervious to all manner of physical attacks and charges. Thank you." Uh, the real joke is that millions of people like me love Ann Rice, love the vampire Lestat and we are enthralled by his adventures. In this particular book, Ms. Rice went on to 'show' us a scorching tale of amoral passion and hunger contrasted sharply against frail human doubt, guilt and longing.

You have a character here that is capable of surrounding himself with gripping stories. And I would humbly suggest you allow David to show us those stories. It is okay to show us David by allowing him to tell us a few things, but make those things important, make us realize YOU are not telling us something you could otherwise show us, make us realize you are showing us David.

I hope that makes sense and if so I hope it is helpful.

You do have some mechanical problems. And instead of taking the proverbial, arbitrary read pen to everything, let me just suggest a few things which I hope you can apply elsewhere.

"My name is David Tokamen and what I say is true. That I am an angel born among humans. But before I explain why I think that this statement is true I’ll describe myself so that you too may understand. I think I’m about six feet five inches, from shoulder tip to shoulder tip I’m about two feet. I have white blond hair and golden like colored eyes, I am also very muscular and in shape I could run a mile in six minutes."

Forgive me if this comes out reading like bad Ann Rice, but the following are just suggestions which I hope you can apply more craftily than this: "My name is David Tokamen. What I say is true. I am an angel born among humans. I'm six feet and five inches tall. From shoulder tip to shoulder tip, I'm about two feet wide. I have blond hair, golden eyes, a muscular frame and I can run a mile in two minutes."

Okay, just joking with the two-minute-mile thing. But then again, not so much. A lot of people can run a six-minute mile, but this is an angel, right? Of course, you effectively prove why David most certainly believes himself to be an angel when he reveals he has feathery wings. Yep, that's pretty much a dead giveaway right there. So, maybe I'm pushing it and spoiling the punch with the two-minute mile accomplishment. Heck, if he's got wings, he could probably cover a mile in less than two minutes, right.

But I'm off-track a bit, sorry. I did agree with an earlier reviewer who found it bothersome that David is unsure of somethings that he shouldn't be seemingly uncertain about. Now, this might not be a flaw in the narrative if eventually we learn that David is perhaps really delusional. Maybe he just thinks he can run pretty fast and has cool wings. But if this is a story about David the angel born among humans, then the reader is going to find his uncertainty to be somewhat inconsistent and therefore maybe confusing if he really is an angel. Also, here's something else to consider: What story are you going to show us that leaves David still wondering at this time, at the end of it, whether or not he is really an angel?

I don't know. Those are just some of my thoughts. Certainly, if my suggestions do not fit your individual style or personal approach to this particular story, then by all means disregard them. But I just thought you could tighten and streamline David's monologue a bit and by doing so you could reveal important things about David that will be relevant to other parts of the narrative to follow.

Good luck with it whatever you decide to do.

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20

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14 days may be credited.

#3434034

Review of An Angel Born Among Humans

Review by Eliot Wild

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Please bear with me. I am still fairly new and inexperienced at the art of critique, so please take the following comments and suggestions for what they're worth: just some random, first-impression thoughts of a fledgling writer.

I read some of the other reviews. And I believe you've already been given some sound advice. And I don't want to waste your time harping on things you've already been told.

I will, however, repeat one bit of recurring advice you've been given, at least so I can perhaps seque into some other thoughts that occurred to me while reading this short opening to your story. It is this: Be mindful of the ever-loved, ever-hated aspects of 'show-me-don't-tell-me' fiction assembly.

Please forgive me if you find my suggestions meaninglessly remedial, but since I have only read this small introductory bit of prose, I can't really see where you're going with this story yet nor can I see how you might be planning to get there. So, ignore any advice or criticisms made irrelevent by forthcoming content in the story.

Personally, I think it is okay to sometimes 'tell' your reader a few things. For the most part, readers want to see your story unfold before them. Hence, we want the writer to 'show' us the action rather than simply 'tell' us about it. But if a character, such as a first-person POV narrator, is telling us things that reveal his or her (or its) character, things that actually 'show' us the personality of this narrator, then I am often times okay with that technique and usually entertained by it. Of course, this is only my untrained, individual perspective based on my own personal tastes, but I liked your opening, not because I am not bothered by the possibility of a troublesome 'telling' current running through it, but for it's potential to ultimately 'show' us something if you craft this character and this story cleverly enough.

Let me explain it like this: I love Ann Rice. I make no apologies for it. I find her writing highly entertaining. One of my favorite opening passages in any novel, one that still sticks in my head to this day, goes something like this: "I am the vampire Lestat. I'm immortal, more or less. The sustained light of the sun or the heat from an immense fire, these things might kill me. But then again, they might not."

Bam! There is the vampire Lestat in a nutshell. Haughty, arrogant, unapologetic, in our face, telling us who he is and showing us something about his character. Now, if I took my newbie pen to Ann Rice's aforementioned paragraph, I might be tempted to say, "Uh, Ms. Rice, would you mind showing us Lestat being immortal and surviving seemingly fatal wounds, and could you perhaps show us how Lestat is impervious to all manner of physical attacks and charges. Thank you." Uh, the real joke is that millions of people like me love Ann Rice, love the vampire Lestat and we are enthralled by his adventures. In this particular book, Ms. Rice went on to 'show' us a scorching tale of amoral passion and hunger contrasted sharply against frail human doubt, guilt and longing.

You have a character here that is capable of surrounding himself with gripping stories. And I would humbly suggest you allow David to show us those stories. It is okay to show us David by allowing him to tell us a few things, but make those things important, make us realize YOU are not telling us something you could otherwise show us, make us realize you are showing us David.

I hope that makes sense and if so I hope it is helpful.

You do have some mechanical problems. And instead of taking the proverbial, arbitrary read pen to everything, let me just suggest a few things which I hope you can apply elsewhere.

"My name is David Tokamen and what I say is true. That I am an angel born among humans. But before I explain why I think that this statement is true I’ll describe myself so that you too may understand. I think I’m about six feet five inches, from shoulder tip to shoulder tip I’m about two feet. I have white blond hair and golden like colored eyes, I am also very muscular and in shape I could run a mile in six minutes."

Forgive me if this comes out reading like bad Ann Rice, but the following are just suggestions which I hope you can apply more craftily than this: "My name is David Tokamen. What I say is true. I am an angel born among humans. I'm six feet and five inches tall. From shoulder tip to shoulder tip, I'm about two feet wide. I have blond hair, golden eyes, a muscular frame and I can run a mile in two minutes."

Okay, just joking with the two-minute-mile thing. But then again, not so much. A lot of people can run a six-minute mile, but this is an angel, right? Of course, you effectively prove why David most certainly believes himself to be an angel when he reveals he has feathery wings. Yep, that's pretty much a dead giveaway right there. So, maybe I'm pushing it and spoiling the punch with the two-minute mile accomplishment. Heck, if he's got wings, he could probably cover a mile in less than two minutes, right.

But I'm off-track a bit, sorry. I did agree with an earlier reviewer who found it bothersome that David is unsure of somethings that he shouldn't be seemingly uncertain about. Now, this might not be a flaw in the narrative if eventually we learn that David is perhaps really delusional. Maybe he just thinks he can run pretty fast and has cool wings. But if this is a story about David the angel born among humans, then the reader is going to find his uncertainty to be somewhat inconsistent and therefore maybe confusing if he really is an angel. Also, here's something else to consider: What story are you going to show us that leaves David still wondering at this time, at the end of it, whether or not he is really an angel?

I don't know. Those are just some of my thoughts. Certainly, if my suggestions do not fit your individual style or personal approach to this particular story, then by all means disregard them. But I just thought you could tighten and streamline David's monologue a bit and by doing so you could reveal important things about David that will be relevant to other parts of the narrative to follow.

Good luck with it whatever you decide to do.

21

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3433999

Review of An Angel Born Among Humans

Review by Eliot Wild

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Please bear with me. I am still fairly new and inexperienced at the art of critique, so please take the following comments and suggestions for what they're worth: just some random, first-impression thoughts of a fledgling writer.

I read some of the other reviews. And I believe you've already been given some sound advice. And I don't want to waste your time harping on things you've already been told.

I will, however, repeat one bit of recurring advice you've been given, at least so I can perhaps seque into some other thoughts that occurred to me while reading this short opening to your story. It is this: Be mindful of the ever-loved, ever-hated aspects of 'show-me-don't-tell-me' fiction assembly.

Please forgive me if you find my suggestions meaninglessly remedial, but since I have only read this small introductory bit of prose, I can't really see where you're going with this story yet nor can I see how you might be planning to get there. So, ignore any advice or criticisms made irrelevent by forthcoming content in the story.

Personally, I think it is okay to sometimes 'tell' your reader a few things. For the most part, readers want to see your story unfold before them. Hence, we want the writer to 'show' us the action rather than simply 'tell' us about it. But if a character, such as a first-person POV narrator, is telling us things that reveal his or her (or its) character, things that actually 'show' us the personality of this narrator, then I am often times okay with that technique and usually entertained by it. Of course, this is only my untrained, individual perspective based on my own personal tastes, but I liked your opening, not because I am not bothered by the possibility of a troublesome 'telling' current running through it, but for it's potential to ultimately 'show' us something if you craft this character and this story cleverly enough.

Let me explain it like this: I love Ann Rice. I make no apologies for it. I find her writing highly entertaining. One of my favorite opening passages in any novel, one that still sticks in my head to this day, goes something like this: "I am the vampire Lestat. I'm immortal, more or less. The sustained light of the sun or the heat from an immense fire, these things might kill me. But then again, they might not."

Bam! There is the vampire Lestat in a nutshell. Haughty, arrogant, unapologetic, in our face, telling us who he is and showing us something about his character. Now, if I took my newbie pen to Ann Rice's aforementioned paragraph, I might be tempted to say, "Uh, Ms. Rice, would you mind showing us Lestat being immortal and surviving seemingly fatal wounds, and could you perhaps show us how Lestat is impervious to all manner of physical attacks and charges. Thank you." Uh, the real joke is that millions of people like me love Ann Rice, love the vampire Lestat and we are enthralled by his adventures. In this particular book, Ms. Rice went on to 'show' us a scorching tale of amoral passion and hunger contrasted sharply against frail human doubt, guilt and longing.

You have a character here that is capable of surrounding himself with gripping stories. And I would humbly suggest you allow David to show us those stories. It is okay to show us David by allowing him to tell us a few things, but make those things important, make us realize YOU are not telling us something you could otherwise show us, make us realize you are showing us David.

I hope that makes sense and if so I hope it is helpful.

You do have some mechanical problems. And instead of taking the proverbial, arbitrary read pen to everything, let me just suggest a few things which I hope you can apply elsewhere.

"My name is David Tokamen and what I say is true. That I am an angel born among humans. But before I explain why I think that this statement is true I’ll describe myself so that you too may understand. I think I’m about six feet five inches, from shoulder tip to shoulder tip I’m about two feet. I have white blond hair and golden like colored eyes, I am also very muscular and in shape I could run a mile in six minutes."

Forgive me if this comes out reading like bad Ann Rice, but the following are just suggestions which I hope you can apply more craftily than this: "My name is David Tokamen. What I say is true. I am an angel born among humans. I'm six feet and five inches tall. From shoulder tip to shoulder tip, I'm about two feet wide. I have blond hair, golden eyes, a muscular frame and I can run a mile in two minutes."

Okay, just joking with the two-minute-mile thing. But then again, not so much. A lot of people can run a six-minute mile, but this is an angel, right? Of course, you effectively prove why David most certainly believes himself to be an angel when he reveals he has feathery wings. Yep, that's pretty much a dead giveaway right there. So, maybe I'm pushing it and spoiling the punch with the two-minute mile accomplishment. Heck, if he's got wings, he could probably cover a mile in less than two minutes, right.

But I'm off-track a bit, sorry. I did agree with an earlier reviewer who found it bothersome that David is unsure of somethings that he shouldn't be seemingly uncertain about. Now, this might not be a flaw in the narrative if eventually we learn that David is perhaps really delusional. Maybe he just thinks he can run pretty fast and has cool wings. But if this is a story about David the angel born among humans, then the reader is going to find his uncertainty to be somewhat inconsistent and therefore maybe confusing if he really is an angel. Also, here's something else to consider: What story are you going to show us that leaves David still wondering at this time, at the end of it, whether or not he is really an angel?

I don't know. Those are just some of my thoughts. Certainly, if my suggestions do not fit your individual style or personal approach to this particular story, then by all means disregard them. But I just thought you could tighten and streamline David's monologue a bit and by doing so you could reveal important things about David that will be relevant to other parts of the narrative to follow.

Good luck with it whatever you decide to do.

22

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3428034

Review of The final campaign

Review by Eliot Wild

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Since I am still quite new and unskilled at the art of critique, I'll ask you to bear with me. I will try to give you my most candid impressions of your work, but please take them for they're worth--just some random thoughts of a newbie. If these comments and suggestions don't fit with your unique style or with your particular approach to this story, then certainly disregard them.

I like the idea of this story. Though I don't play anymore, I used to be a regular gamer, D & D mostly. And I have spent many campaigns going through this exact same routine you've put your story characters through. Of course, I've never been in a situation where another character opted for a 'suicidal safety valve' rather than killing one of the party in a mad frenzy of sorcerous possession, at least not that I can readily recall. But then again, perhaps I just never played with any other gamers who were as honorable and self-sacrificing as your character Keith. In a similar situation to this story, most of my gamer buddies would have insisted his companions find a 'cure' for wizard possession before sacrificing his own life. They'd have been, like, "Do a dispel magic, dude," or "Cast a sleep spell on me, for God's sake, don't kill me." Yeah, that would have been my friends.

Anyway, I only bring that up, not because I'm trying to bore you to sleep in what's supposed to be a helpful review, but because I wanted you to know that I personally connected to a 'realistic' thread weaving throughout this 'fantasy' story.

As anyone who's ever took part in a swords-n-sorcery role playing game knows, or too anyone who's ever watched the famous video of "Leroooooooooy Jenkiiiiiiiiiins" has observed, role players will commonly go through this routine where they get organized and prepared to face battle before entering an upcoming fight.

When the group gets ready to enter the room and take on the antangonist wizard, I think it is Faith who says something like, "Okay, we need to coordinate our attack." She then proceeds to explain each person's role in the upcoming melee. You successfuly captured that obligatory pre-battle regiment that is so very common to just about all RPG's.

Anyway, I just wanted to point that out because I think you might have a little gem here. Or maybe, perhaps you have the opening chapter or prologue to an even deeper, more textured story.

But enough of the sweet, sappy compliments. Such praise may be good for building your confidence, but it is not very helpful for much else. So, let me try to give you more substantive criticisms:

Your mechanics are pretty sound. I noticed a few minor technical errors, but nothing that detracted from my overall enjoyment of the story. Besides, I am certainly no professional copy-editor, so I am often times relunctant to chirp on what I find to be mechanical flaws. I sometimes get a bit confused when trying to perfect all the technical elements and structural arrangements in my own stories, so I certainly lack the expertise to preach at other writers in this regard.

So, keep in mind all my suggestions, even the mechanical ones, are to be taken with a grain of salt. For example:

"At the time, her answer hadn’t made any sense to him, but now, he knew what she meant; an eagle may desire a quiet existence, but, as hard as it may try, it could never become a sparrow."

I don't think you need so many commas. It is good to punctuate and divide compound sentences with commas just before conjunctions such as 'and', 'but' and 'or'. But I don't think it is necessary to place a comma after the conjunctive as you've done twice above. It just seems to make the quoted passage a bit 'busy', or so it seems to me.

I think the following would be acceptible: "At the time her answer hadn't made any sense to him, but now he knew what she meant; an eagle may desire a quiet existence, but as hard as it might try, it can never become a sparrow."

Don't take my word for it though. I'm no professional. You might just want to check and see if some of your comma placements are really necessary. Also, I changed the verb alignment of the compound sentence following the semicolon. It's just a matter of personal tastes, so certainly disregard this suggestion if it doesn't fit your individual style. It just seemed to flow better to keep the corresponding verbs both present and active. "An eagle may desire . . . but it can never become a sparrow." Keith is thinking that 'now' he understands what she meant, so the action is present-tense in his head. Again, though, that could just be my particular way of reading.

"The amount of energy she had spent to counteract the wizard’s spell had left her weakened, and trying to fight Keith while maintaining the spell on Faith was draining the last of her energies."

Okay, if you ever read any of my stuff, you'll laugh at what I'm about to say and call me a first-rate hypocrite. But it seems to me that a narrative flows better and keeps a more gripping pace when a writer eliminates undue wordiness. LOL. This, from the absolute king of 'wordiness', your's truly. I am horrible about wanting to place unnecessary articles and other pointless, obtrusive words into my prose.

But what if your passage above had some items cut from it, so as to make it more dynamic and moving without changing the content, like this: "The amount of energy spent counteracting the wizard's spell left her weakened, and fighting Keith while maintaining the spell on Faith was draining the last of her energies." She wasn't 'trying' to fight Keith; she was in fact fighting him but not trying to hurt him. That seems a more apt description of the action. But then again, perhaps I misreading, so ignore me if this doesn't make sense to you.

I also noticed this same sort of thing in your opening sentence.

"The small group moved smoothly and quietly along the corridors of the old abandoned palace, following the path shown by the feeble candlelight."

Again, keep in mind, this is just a matter of personal taste, but you might streamline this opening line without losing any of its meaning with the following: "The small group moved smoothly and quietly along the corridors of the old abandoned palace, following the path by feeble candlelight."

You have drawn a keen picture with this short piece. It really did bring to mind for me my days of gaming and the old steps and routines my gaming companions and I would walk through before entering a dungeon room or flying into certain battle. But I read one of the other reviews for this piece, and I think the reviewer might have been right to say this piece could be broadened and enrichened.

To end ('finally', I'm sure you're thinking to yourself; I know, I get longwinded), I would again qualify all of my review with the following disclaimer: I very well might be completely wrong. One thousand other readers might find my comments and suggestions meaningless and out of place. I liked the idea and I enjoyed the way it played out on the page, errr, screen, I suppose in this case. But I believe by making some minor technical adjustments and flushing out both the plot and conflict, you could build this into something larger. I'd certainly read it.