This is a very sweet love poem. It is straight and to the point, which is well used here. I have a particular fondness for rhyming poetry, so I am naturally biased in that regard; however, I feel it was well done here, and the rhyming doesn't feel forced. The grammar and spelling appears to be on point.
As far as points to work on go, I would definitely recommend working on metaphors and similes that are less cliche. While I am a firm believer that a well placed cliche can make something more enjoyable, it felt overused here. I would have loved to see some comparisons that were a bit less common.
Overall this is a sweet and lovely poem that would benefit from some extra work on comparative phrases. I see that it's an old poem so I hope that you'll return to show off what you've learned since then. :)
Thank you for sharing this. I have a special appreciation for writing that demonstrates the struggles of veterans and the homeless. I have family who are veterans, as well as family that work with the homeless, so it is a bit personal for me as a reader. I feel like you captured the helplessness of both situations very well. I really appreciated that you depicted someone in the process of healing from those internal wounds, as I do feel like the stigma of PTSD comes with the stereotype of being that way forever. I feel like from the place of internal struggle, the writing here is very easy to relate to and understand. I appreciated the attention to the Rwandan Civil War as well, which doesn't seem to get much attention in writing.
I see that this is labeled as a draft, so I assume that this work is thus far relatively unpolished. With that in mind, I would note some of the things I was less fond of. The actual message and story that this piece of writing has is of definite quality, but it requires a bit of editing at this point. Most of the spelling and grammar seems to be on point, although I did notice that adrenaline was spelled without an e at the end. I see a fair few sentences that appear to be run-on sentences throughout most of the work. I feel like you could overall benefit by adding additional punctuation throughout, including commas, semi-colons, and periods.
As an example:
Though they have fought in a very different war to me I know they struggle with the exact same problem; the guilt of mindlessly killing so many people because it's kill or be killed but then after, you remember what was whipped out by the adrenalin-they're still people even if they're bad people, but every time you serve you see all the people they have killed unlike you they killed the innocent.
A sentence can begin to feel bulky and awkward when it takes up several lines. I would recommend attempting to read the writing out loud with the punctuation you have in place. It will likely require re-wording some of it to make it grammatically correct in the context of shorter sentences, but it would likely be easier to read.
I wasn't particularly fond of the spoken dialog. It is technically all correct; however it does feel a bit stilted. Most twelve year old children, particularly a likely uneducated homeless child, don't speak this way. I felt that the man's manner of speaking was more like a written speech than how a man would actually sound talking to a homeless child.
One final note in terms of possible things to consider during revision: "a middle aged man sitting next to maybe a...12 year girl does look creepy." Ellipses can be a bit overused, and outside of spoken dialog can feel a bit misplaced. A possible rewording could be something like: "a middle aged man sitting next to a girl of maybe twelve years does look creepy."
I genuinely really liked the story you had to tell, and I think that these types of stories can be very important to get out there. I would definitely be interested in re-reading the story in its more final stages.
This is a lovely poem. You have used beautiful language. This is a really excellent example of a poem depicting a beautiful relationship with God. I don't normally read much in the way of spiritual poetry or prose, but this makes me rethink that decision. Right away it starts with pretty language--intoxication and shimmering spirits. Content and language is very well done over all.
That said, I do have a couple of points to make in terms of constructive criticism. First off, the punctuation could use some slight alteration. Not every line needs to end in a comma. There are some points where a period or exclamation point might be more appropriate, and provide your poem with better emphasis. Secondly, I'm not sure about the rhyming. There are points where it seems like you are trying to make this a rhyming poem, and points where it does not seem like that. It starts and finishes with a rhyming scheme, but it drops out in the middle a bit. It doesn't seem like there is any real pattern at all to the rhyming scheme. Take this with a grain of salt, but this seems like something that may be better if the rhyming is either dropped altogether or altered to provide more of a rhythm.
This seems to be something where you've made a rather important personal realisation, and that's always a good thing. I hope that it serves you well. Writing is a great outlet for all of the things in our lives, and it's always a bonus when we can share those things and potentially affect someone else in some way. It's also important to feel comfortable with who we feel we are, and the things we have experienced, and this came off as someone who is working on that.
I do have a couple of things that I wanted to suggest that might serve you well in either fiction writing or non-fiction writing. First off, I'd suggest not using all capital letters when writing. When you want to emphasise your writing, you are better off using italics or changing up your language so that the words themselves are more emphatic. It's one of those things where it just looks neater and more professional. Secondly, you are using a hyphen in place of an em dash. An em dash is one of these: —. It probably seems like a trivial difference but they really are different things. You should be able to use it in most word processors as well as just copy and paste it from google. Thirdly, I noticed that you use a lot of ellipses (five separate uses in this short piece). It's another of those things where if you use it less, the writing looks neater and more professional.
I hope that you keep writing. The more you write, the closer you will get to your own niche!
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