This started out very well. You have a great, approachable voice, and I immediately appreciated the tone you set here. At no point did I want to stop reading. Like a friend telling me a story, I was happy to sit back and experience. That said, I did have an issue with some of the formatting here.
While it might not seem important, there are certain rules/traditions that enable the reader to enjoy your work without distraction. For me, those distractions were as follows:
1. Underlining to stress a word. Italics work much, much better for this purpose.
2. An abundance of em-dashes: "--" These are effective, and used appropriately where I found them...but there are simply so many that I took notice, and frowned.
3. You wrote - I muttered, "Holy cow. Did I ever luck out this time!" The exclamation point implies excitement, and often, volume. To mutter is to quietly speak. It's an under-your-breath kind of speech. I'd either lose the exclamation point or change the dialogue tag.
4. "...a 'blind' date..." "...all the other 'goodies'..." "...against my 'better' judgment..." Some of these qualifiers are acceptable, but I found many that were not. The average reader knows that a blind date is not a date with a blind person, for example. Putting any word in 'this' format makes the reader take immediate notice of it, as subtext is implied. With the number of times you used this, I found it quite distracting.
Overall, this is a good effort. I enjoyed reading this, and would have read more. With a bit of polish, this piece would really shine.
I found this quite sad. There was a melancholy feel throughout this piece. It is much to my surprise that I enjoy it, in spite of that. Nice rhythm, nice choice of words.
The Engorged Consumer. Aren't we all? I loved the title, loved the rhythm of this piece. Though I'm not the best judge of poetry, I think you did well here. Very nice!
I liked this. It was lovely, whimsical. You had pretty good rhythm with this piece. The word choice and placement was impressive. Overall, good job.
A small thing:
"Leading me to leap into their wings,who lift."
It's the wings that lift, not the fireflies. Perhaps, "Leading me to leap into their wings, which lift" would make more sense?
Keep writing!
"Her pale blue dress was from long ago, it had white cuffs around her wrists, and it ruffled from the waist down."
This feels like it should be two sentences to me: "Her pale blue dress was from long ago. It had white cuffs around her wrists, and it ruffled from the waist down."
"But the thing that scared me the most was her face."
I wouldn't begin a new paragraph with "But." You could easily lose the word. For example, "The thing that scared me the most was her face." It's just as effective.
You are very good at description. Very good. I could see the cliff, almost hear the water beneath him. Excellent job, truly.
One small thing:
"The final words catching in her throat she fell forward into her son’s arms and they stood together."
The tense bothers me here, though I can't quite tell you why. Perhaps, "The final words caught in her throat as she fell forward into her son's arms and they stood there together."
Overall, great piece. Keep writing!
This made me think, and actually go back and read it again. Overall, I enjoyed it. Your words were well chosen, and well placed. The flow of this piece was even and smooth, with only one exception:
"Not heard by another member of the Human race,"
I think you could replace "another member" with "any."
Just a suggestion. Keep writing!
I found this to be a very easy and enjoyable read. I can't offer anything in the way of criticism simply because I don't think its called for here. You did a good job with this. It was an uncomplicated, almost fanciful, poem. Pleasant to read, effortless to enjoy. Good job, and keep writing!
"It was a place that my mother called, “a crude and dirty place owned by a crude and dirty woman.”
Replacing one use of the word "place" would ease the reading of this sentence.
"The lights danced romantically upon the water as if it were a stage fit for lovers. They danced upon the water as if it were a stage fit for lovers."
I think one of these sentences could go.
"As her and the man, who was drunk on his mind and had his eyes fixed on her breasts, were laughing profusely I found a seat at the bar and sat quietly."
Perhaps, "drunk out of his mind" ?
Overall, I thought this was pretty good. Your descriptions were well done, and the story moved along at a good pace. I'd read more if you have it.
Oh, my gosh! Tell me you have more of this!
Obviously, I enjoyed the read. I'm not real big on vampire stories, but my experience pretty much begins and ends with the sparkly variety. This was, thankfully, not in that realm.
I liked the character of Alicia. I liked the...feel of her, if you will.
One small thing: "Since I've been around just as long as any of the old battleaxes, I know just as many tricks. Plus a few that the old battleaxes don't know about."
I know what you meant here--Alicia had been teaching as long as any of the old battleaxes, but since she doesn't age, she couldn't possibly have been at that school as long as the others. A little rewording here would go a long way.
Overall, good job!
"Just like any other craft to be good at it you must practice your craft what ever it may be. So that’s what I am doing I am writing something."
Repeated words--I'm sensitive to this, though it may not bother other readers. What about, "Just like any other craft, you must practice to achieve skill."
Sentence structure--I think a colon would break up the second sentence nicely. "So that's what I am doing: I am writing something."
This felt a bit rough to me:
"Yes I am just sitting here looking out my office window watching as the wind blows away another day as well as the people who is in a hurry to get through their day."
What about, "Yes, I am just sitting here looking out my office window, watching as the wind blows away another day as well as all the people in such a hurry to get through it."
"You can have all the time in the world, but if you use it for such things all the time! You may as well not have any."
I think this can easily be made one sentence, instead of two. It would clarify, and make it a bit easier to comprehend.
Overall, I thought this was pretty good. Keep writing!
I wish I could tell you what exactly I liked so much about this, but I can't. I really did enjoy it, though. Good job. I think it speaks to a wide-array of issues. I have a friend who likes to say, "I don't like myself when I'm not drinking." This reminded me of her.
I thought this was very well done. Good flow, good choice of words, nice rhythm. One thing--
"Nostolgia brings a war" should be nostalgia.
I'm terrible about typos, but I find myself getting hung up on them. It breaks the pace of my reading. A small thing, I know, but an easy fix!
Great imagery, and wonderful description here!
"Short gusts stung his leather tanned face, orange-pink sand plinking against his aviator sunglasses."
Punctuation and grammar were fine. I found no issues. I really enjoyed this. Have you thought about lengthening it?
I like the flow here. Your wording is well chosen.
"The vision of you floods my senses
With beauty, and my heart is
Filled with a diverse inspiration."
Very nice.
I found this quite sad, but pretty well done. I'm not sure of the formatting or anything for a monologue, but it was easy to get through, and it kept me engaged to the end.
This is a good effort, but a little rough to read. In the first paragraph, the sentence, "This is his responsibility, not because he was fed by his Master, but it is the loyalty earned by his Master from this noble servant for care and time spent with a simple servant." is difficult to comprehend. I'm not completely sure what you're trying to say here.
What about, "This is his responsibility, gladly fulfilled for the loyalty his Master had earned after the care he'd shown for a simple servant."
Just a suggestion.
"He is bound to protect, but he is having a numerous constraints laid up on his body movement so that he can't move out of it. The only thing he could do better now is not to withdraw from calling for help, hoping for some aid will be coming on it's way."
Again, I'm having some issues here with clarity.
Perhaps, "He is bound to protect, but there were numerous constraints laid upon his body. He couldn't move. The only thing he could do was call for help, hoping he'd be heard."
Keep working!
I liked the message here, and it evoked strong feelings which I think most poetry aims to do. One thing--several typos. They make it hard to truly enjoy a piece. It's a small thing, and so easily fixed!
Keep working!
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