There are a few places where you could use some commas. The very first line would rean more clearly with a comma: "I’m tripping, someone’s given me uppers". But a descriptive story of a mind under the influence and the emotions torn between sobriety and using. Nice work explaining the minds obsessions.
Gripping and compelling. There is pain in this poem and anguish for the perpetrator who has obviously caused great harm. We all live with scars of the past but some are more distinguished than others. One can only assume that the victim in this story lives with a great deal of shame and pain caused by the oppressor and I feel sympathetic.
Wow, very sad story. I love the impulsive meeting. I met my wife on a plane and we have been married for five years now but what a bumpy ride these two had to the end. A tragic story like this always makes me feel grateful and reminds me to count my blessings. Also, for some reason, a life never lived is truly sad to ponder.
Laura,
I like the poem and the tempo with which it flows. The pain expressed seems real and truthful to the hurt the story portrays. Certainly, this story is worth a good title. Perhaps, "The Oppressed" would be apt? Or maybe, "Painful Oppression".
I'm sure there is a catchy title that will prevail. Nice work.
I liked your story, it was a cute take off of a classic. It's fun to think of defined characters in another setting outside of their usual stories and to imagine what they're like in the ordinary world. The only thing I would change in this story is to explain a little more about who Rudolph is in the beginning as it took me a while to catch on, but it's early and I might be running a little slow.
I like the story and it is very vivid. I felt like I was reading a dream and you made good use of your descriptions. This story is a great example of how to, "Show, and not Tell". I'm not sure if this is an excerpt from something else you are working on or if it is meant to be a stand alone story but the graphic nature of it is compelling.
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