A great poem with a powerful meaning behind it, as all poems should have. The last line is especially shocking. The bluntness you use with 'and then I die' is at first a little disconcerting but then you realise the effect it gives.
My favourite lines were: 'glancing at fragments of catastrophe' and 'i am a destroyer of humanity' as well as, of course, the last one.
The structure works well with the abcb rhyme scheme and nice four line stanzas. Keeps the rhythm flowing and the poem in shape.
I really enjoyed the depth of this poem, good luck in the competition.
This is a review for Poetry Parlour.
The free-verse used here is excellent, I especially love the dialogue used at the bottom in mimicking of the sun. The was you've cut up the sentence at the end into different lines is different, but it's nice that the lines get shorter and shorter.
The metaphor you've used of the young boy is lovely, I really connected with that and thought it was a great idea you came up with. You describe it well too leaving no room for question of HOW it relates which makes it very strong.
My favourite line would have to be either 'muddy-kneed jeans' or 'wiping wisps of pink cobwebs from his dark hair'. Actually the 'gather up the remaining stars' is another one I really liked.
Good luck in the competition,
This is s review for Poetry Parlour.
I really enjoyed this poem! It reminded me very much of a children's poem, rather like Roald Dahl's takes on common fairytales which he made into long story style poems in colourful books. It has a lovely moral to it.
The rhyme and rhythm suit the style very well and are executed quite well. In the 7th stanza 'sign' and 'hide' could perhaps be adjusted to work a little better?
I wasn't entirely sure about the '...happy' and '...angry' sections as they just didn't seem to fit with the poem completely. However if you were going to keep them in I think the ellipsis could be taken out as it would sound nice without them!
You've done excellently with the storytelling of this poem though, none of it sounds awkward and every word appears to fit perfectly into each sentence which makes it such an easy read. I can imagine you would be quite good at writing fiction!
Good luck in the competition,
This is a review for Poetry Parlour,
This is a very cute, short poem. The free verse suits it well describing the flighty actions of birds. The first line is excellent - the imagery in it is great and the personification of the trees using the word 'hush' adds to the feeling of living nature. It sort of made me feel as though the poem was coming from the aspect of an animal or something which was lovely.
Keeping the difference between long and short lines was good as well, keeps the reader in suspense and gives it natural pauses.
You could perhaps find an alternative to 'flock' just as I reckon there is an unusual alternative out there which could make your poem even more unique! The other line is just 'friends to all' - it's a nice line however the rest of the poem is so descriptive maybe re-working it a little so it sounds a bit more creative would make the ending stronger. See what you think .
Really enjoyed this poem!
Good luck in the competition,
I meant to become a part if this before I disappeared for 2 years (due to exams and such things) but would love to become a part of it now! Love reviewing and tend to do a fair bit each month for my contest, Poetry Parlour.
Have had some lovely reviews from your reviewers in the past, and looking forward to giving something back .
This is a great story so far, the plot and emotional content of it really work well and are portrayed excellently. You've got some good imagery being used with a wide range of techniques. The suggestions I'm going to make are all small details.
Third paragraph 'Long protruded nose' could be 'long protruding nose.
'He was a fan of seventies disco.' seems a little out of place, doesn't really fit into the rest of the paragraph, maybe try re-phrasing that section?
The line starting 'Including Aunt Edna...' could be 'Including Aunt Edna, who has been in ruins since. I think she has been a little over the top, desperately crying for attention, but again that's only my opinion.'
'I had to fight his battles against the endless bullies that teased him mercilessly at school.' Possibly adding 'him' to the sentence?
'...hoping my mother was too.' Just change the 'to' to 'too'!
'I urged her to sit and put her feet up for a while but she insisted on welcoming more guests.'
'It was obvious the pear cider was going down too well.'
'She nodded still laughing about Aunt Edna. "Could you something?" ' Think there's suppose to be another word there...maybe eat?!
'He was looking a little worse for wear. Last time I saw him.' That could probably be all one sentence, perhaps would make it flow slightly better.
In the last paragraph it says 'I hoped Edward and mother...' which might sound better as 'wished'?
Some bits which I loved were the flashbacks to his childhood as they add little sub-stories into the main plot and also help develop the character fully. That is one thing you've done excellently, his emotions are portrayed entirely to the reader which gives them a greater understanding and sympathy for the character. The imagery used in the first paragraph is excellent too!
Hope this review was helpful!
There have been lots of seasonal poems entered this month, and this is another great one. The alternate rhymes are great, making it flow but also not giving it too much of that happy-go-lucky feeling that can come with certain rhythm/rhyme patterns, as that would not suit the piece. Your last line is your best 'beneath a flowing gown of tranquil white' - it's a nice metaphor for snow and the lexis you've used is fitting and sounds smooth. The only line which confused me a little was 'swirling darkness casts angry mill' - it doesn't make entire sense to me however if you changed it for 'swirling darkness brews until, he unleashes winter's heartless cold'. That's just a quick suggestion I'm sure you could think of a much better alternative.
It is a great poem however, and there is nothing else I could fault it on.
Good luck in the competition,
Having the prompts in this pretty cool font is lovely. Makes it very memorable, helps to keep the writer on the prompt throughout writing it and it suits the theme of your contest. Having each prompt maybe the linked colour of the emotion would be great as well e.g. green with envy and blue with sad or black with rage or something similar to that! Everyone has different perspectives of colours and emotions.
You've got some great lexis throughout this poem, very original uses that inspire the reader. For example I love the line 'gripped with my relentless gloom'. It's a sad poem but you get that emotion across well with 'despair' and 'cold' - they help keep the semantics together.
I would suggest substituting the use of 'similar' in line 11 for something different. Just because it seems unsure and almost as if it's not the same, only close. Be certain in your metaphors and they will come across powerfully!
Great poem,
You've got great imagery in this poem. 'a cool breathe from god, filling the sails of my ship' is a lovely line and reminds me of a fresh new world. You've almost likened it to a perfect parallel world, I don't know if this is your intention but that's what it seems like with your 'loved friends' who 'mirror' you. The end is strong as well, comparing it to your actual world where things aren't paradise brings it back to reality almost.
The suggestion I would make is that maybe in the beginning you separate some of the stanzas so they don't feel as long, the rhythm isn't constant so it can feel like a very long sentence at times. The structure at the end is great tho in the little groups of four.
Good luck in the competition,
I can see why you have so many trophies for this poem! It's very original, witty and smart. The idea of bringing all the classic poets into it works really well, brings out the best and worst in all of them and plays on how we view them now which may be very different to how they were seen at the time. 'Mere rummy-numbed lips' is a great line. The rhymes are very neat too, it never felt awkward or forced.
Some of the form was interesting, you went all over with it but it still sounded great and kept flowing throughout.
Good luck in the competition,
I love this poem, it's very original. Also being a massive fan of free-verse probably helped. The metaphors are great 'patches on your pocket' and 'the albino, the rare' are wonderful. It casts a great light on free-verse poetry, how raw emotion comes through with it and that is why you cannot hold it in with rhythm and meter - 'mopped up with a red bandana it is the sweat on your brow' is another great line.
Linking the end back to beginning worked very well too, a smart round off.
Good luck in the competition,
I like this poem, the language is strong and you've used a good combination or words and put them together with meaning. 'Lust hungers for new life' and 'desire crowned king and weakness his weapon' were my two favourite lines. Side by side they work well. You write very deeply and once you look at it carefully you can see the effort and imagination which has gone into it, my only flaw of it would be that it is not an easy read and some readers may not "get" it - it requires attention and going over a few times to truly understand it, but then again that can make an extraordinary poem.
Good luck in the competition,
This is a wonderful poem and really captures sea life. The semantics are kept up throughout with wonderful lexis such as 'soaring', 'churning' and 'cresting'.
Your rhyme is excellent as well, very tight and the rhythm is solid. The place names and boat really show that you, the writer is involved in the story which gives it a great credibility and shows the reader passion.
This is a great poem, good luck in the competition,
This i s a review for Poetry Parlour and in affiliation with the Angel Army.
What a lovely poem, you can really feel the emotion coming through. Obviously the reader doesn't know the story behind the poem but the way it comes across is understandable for a wide range of situations which many readers will relate to. Lines such as 'as we swing in the night' and 'my soulmate, my twin flame' are powerful.
Just a spelling error I noticed in your last stanza, 'wisk' is actually 'whisk'.
The other thing you could change is maybe by keeping to a stricter meter in the poem or even going the other way and turning it free verse it may flow a little better. I always think free verse is an excellent way to show emotion but I do love the sweet rhyme and rhythm you have used here.
Good luck in the competition,
I really enjoyed this poem. It had a very strong rhythm to it that drew me in and made me read it again and again. The rhymes are perfect and I love the scheme of them. Sometimes an odd scheme (as in not parallel) are really fitting and in love I feel it works beautifully. I would mention that, although it is sometimes what you are supposed to do, I feel like the poem hasn't finished when it ends with the two line stanza. I mean, it's up to you, but I'd love it if you could add another two lines after or before the two you have there...?
Sorry I don't have time for a longer review, if you would like one, please let me know and I'll get back to you !
Best wishes in Poetry Parlour,
First Impressions: As I first read the poem I felt that it was written as a song, like you said in the sub title. I really enjoyed the piece and, just as an outsiders view and a first impression, I felt it was long, but the words you used in the poem were incredibly powerful. Many people don't listen to the lyrics in a song, they just decide they like the music, that's why I love it when people put lyrics out as writing, they can be appreciated so much more. I Love: 'Your throat better be hoarse' - I love lines like this. So daring and forward, and just full of character in an unknown character. It means we, as readers, can relate to a character we don't know, we don't understand much about. Starting the next line in a similar way also gives both of these lines a huge emphasis. Accenting the 'yours' gives it a much more spiteful approach! Suggestions: 'Brain like rotting cheese' - I didn't feel this line fitted with the intimacy of the other parts of the poem. It's so emotional, and this doesn't feel quite in its league. Also, as I mentioned earlier, maybe try cutting down on the size, edit out repeats. I know songs are longer, but at the minute it's a piece of writing.
Thank you for your entry in Poetry Parlour, I hope I've been of some help!
First Impressions: A second version of another poem. I like how you try and improve on what you have! But , maybe you should not write this in the explanation as this may distract people from the true meaning of the poem. As a frist impression I loved the poems simplicity, it didn't overcomplicate, it just laid out the emotions and let the reader absorb them.
I Love: The stanzas are excellent in formation, even though free-verse doesn't have much structure, the structure it does have is vital to how it is read and what the reader can get from it e.g. the speed, accents and different interpretations of different lines. I felt it had the right balance of all of these. The use of punctuation, although few, was put in just the right place, making the reader feel what you were when you read the poem. 'Your loss' and then the next line. I loved this. It was like that was the end of the sentence, but then you went on to (sort of) spit out the next line like a sour afterthought, but still with compassion!
Suggestions: 'On your way' - the previous line ended with 'away' so it made the line come out a bit awkward. Maybe you could try re-arranging these two lines so that they don't have the same sound at the end.
Also, in some of the lines you should read with a meter, as although free-verse, it contains some rhythm and in places this isn't quite at the right pace.
Thank you for your entry into Poetry Parlour and good luck ,
Sorry I do not have time for a proper review, I'm about to go away and wish to get the judging done before I go, but I really did enjoy this poem. I love free-verse, and the way you put the punctuation and the length length of the lines created such a speeding up and slowing down of the pace, which, essentially, is what a free-verse poem is for!
You have a truly beautiful poem here, I'm so glad you put this in to my contest for consideration!
First Impressions: A really powerful poem, with an equally powerful meaning. It explicitly told of many things whch every human should consider fot their life. I think, also, that it is a brilliant prompt, and your take on it very effective. As I read through it the first time, I apprecited how much thought went into it, it wasn't any old reason that you put there, it was carefully sort after.
I Love: You use a lot of metaphors to put across what you are trying to say, and aswell as enhancing the writing it makes the imagery you create more vivid and easier to understand. I love it when people use description like this, it makes everything more realistic and what writing means to me.
Suggestions: I could think of none in the time I was able to review this (sorry it's not very detailed!) but every piece of writing can be improved, although yours definitley deserved the 5 star rating I have given it.
First Impressions: Such a sweet poem. Full of colours, memories, and typical features of happiness. I love reading happy poems, they inflict happiness on even the most downhearted person. One of things I got from this first of all was how the idea you had had, about the colours and the different parts of peoples lives, was so good! You cannot write anything without inspiration like that, without having something so beautiful, or in dark poems case, un-beautiful in mind.
I Love: The rhythm of the poem is lovely, it draws you in, and creates all the sense you need. It's like re-living another persons life, but in a respect, the perfect persons. Reading this poem brings home how we can live such beautiful lives when other people, in different areas of the world, can only wish.
Suggestions: I say this to a lot of people, it must be one of those things I notice too much, but some of the lines have too many syllables, or not the correct meter to make it sound smooth. Perhaps re-read it and try and re-arrange the lines so that they flow better!
First Impressions: What I liked about this poem when I first read it was how you use something so simple as a bad omen, the crow, symbalise it, and then appear to sympathise for it. It's like you are saying, don't put down the crow for having been the object of peoples bad luck in the past! I couldn't agree more. But I still think, that without the crow being in peoples minds in this way, poets, authors and artists wouldn't be able to use this animal as a symbol in their creativity! I love your choice of theme!
I Love: You have picked out it's main features when writing, and really appreciated them, not for what others see them as, but what they are used for, as well as vividly drawing imagery of a crow for us. I also love the last stanza. When I first read it, I didn't really appreciate it, but as I re-read it it sprung on me! It really does show how we are so arrogant as human beings.
Suggestions: 'My not being right' - although this can be fitted into 4 syllables, it stops the flow in the piece and makes for the reader to go abck and have to re-try reading it. Maybe you could rearrange this phrase to make it fit better!
First Impressions: A very strong subject. One I do not truly understand being only in my teens. I'll do my best review I can! My first view was what one would be - so filled with your own passion and emotion there is no need to create any other. All the words you use reflect every feeling you ever experienced.
I Love: You have certainly chosen the correct form and rhymes to put this into, it accentuates every aspect of the poem. All the words, stories and pain you put into this are shocking to the reader. I ahven't read too many poems from this point of view, or had much experience so maybe with me it would be more than others, and with a naiivity,
Suggestions: Some of the syllable lengths of lines are stretched a bit, and this can cause the flow to halt.
First Impressions: The form, as I can see is from Lexi's challenge, really suits the death theme. Even though death could be called a 'bad' thing, you seem to have captured it in a from which is light, and fairly lively. It sounds more like a chant than a poetic lilt, which puts an edge on it which you don't see in other 'death' poems.
I Love: Yes, the third line I love. The same, repitition, as is death. Just the same thing, over and over, he comes he goes. He does the same thing over and over. It makes you understand death, or come to terms with it. As this 'person' in your poem has. She doesn't seem to be upset particularly. It says 'her greatest fear', but it doesn't represent this in any other way. I like how she changes, how seeing death in the face chanegs everything.
Suggestions: 'It's time to cry...' - I wasn't so sure of this line. It didn't have the same effect as many of the others. Perhaps consider finding a more powerful end to yoru poem. Scare or shock the reader.
First Impressions: The length was good. It finished exactly where it needed to finisha nd left the reader with all the emotions and thoughts and interpretations that made the poem what it is. The first read I really enjoyed.
I Love: There are plenty of things I could mention here, including wording, rhymes, form, spoken words within the poem. But I really liked your metaphor used in the last stanza.
'Till that day, we are ships
Set adrift upon waters...'
Sometimes sopmething you (as in people) write doesn't quite sound right. It makes sense, it has the right meaning, but it doesn't create the right effect. This one does.
Suggestions: '...love instead of hate.' I thought maybe this could be '...love over hate.' It just sounded better with the flow.
Good luck in Poetry Parlour contest!
Ellie
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First Impressions: As I first read the poem I felt that it was written as a song, like you said in the sub title. I really enjoyed the piece and, just as an outsiders view and a first impression, I felt it was long, but the words you used in the poem were incredibly powerful. Many people don't listen to the lyrics in a song, they just decide they like the music, that's why I love it when people put lyrics out as writing, they can be appreciated so much more.
I Love: 'Your throat better be hoarse' - I love lines like this. So daring and forward, and just full of character in an unknown character. It means we, as readers, can relate to a character we don't know, we don't understand much about. Starting the next line in a similar way also gives both of these lines a huge emphasis. Accenting the 'yours' gives it a much more spiteful approach!
Suggestions: 'Brain like rotting cheese' - I didn't feel this line fitted with the intimacy of the other parts of the poem. It's so emotional, and this doesn't feel quite in its league. Also, as I mentioned earlier, maybe try cutting down on the size, edit out repeats. I know songs are longer, but at the minute it's a piece of writing.
, maybe you should not write this in the explanation as this may distract people from the true meaning of the poem. As a frist impression I loved the poems simplicity, it didn't overcomplicate, it just laid out the emotions and let the reader absorb them.