First off, I'd suggest that you de-capitalize anything that isn't grammatically required. ("Warmth / smells so irrevocably / unlike you;) Also, add punctuation: you did in the first stanza but didn't carry it over. Punctuation's invaulable in poetry because it tells you how to breathe, and it can add a whole extra level to the poem. "I'm - / sorry" has a different effect than "I'm / sorry" because the punctuation implies a long pause, or hesitation. Use it to your advantage!
I didn't quite get some of the phrases you used. How do books mock naturally? (Fourth stanza, last few lines.) Similarly, you talk about the brook being a thing, an object - but a line later you address it (I assume?) as a "who," implying it's a person of some sort. Is this on purpose, or are you talking about changing someone else? (Second stanza.)
Minor grammar things include "old tshirt" which aught to be "old t-shirt" or "old tee shirt" or some variation thereof. Just not squashed together.
The reason I can be so nitpicky with this poem is because it's already really, incredibly good. You know how to turn a phrase, and you paint the picture of what was well. The opening lines really catch the reader's attention and draw them in; the third stanza and "The books I pretend to read" are my favorite parts.
You did excellently on the buildup and release! It was funny to watch Dad's retort and how his young child was such a "little monster" (in the most affectionate way), but heartbreaking to realize that mom and dad are separated/divorced/whatever. Even so, it's still a nice Father's Day in the end because being a father is what makes it.
A few grammatical things: In 1, the last lines "fatherhood, / reminds." doesnt need the comma.
4: "but he awakes with joy" is a bit... odd. No one really says "awakes" anymore, as a general rule of thumb, and it seems out of place in your natural-speech style. Maybe "but he wakes up with joy"? I'm not sure - it's a bit off, still.
5: "We bang the pans" should be "we bang the pans", no capital. Also, "no hangover 's" becomes "no hangovers" and "eggs-and-bacon ‘s" to "eggs-and-bacon‘s", no space.
6: "Just like you, they snicker" instead - maybe with italics or quotation marks to set off the dialogue.
7: "Six" shouldn't be capitalized. (I'm extraordinarily picky about grammar and flow and the like. It's just surface errors!)
Overall, this is a really well-done piece that gives a little window into a dad's Father's Day. Well done.
I'll admit: I'm terrible with rhyme and meter. My principal suggestions here are to add punctuation and decapitalize the first letters of each line (excepting things like the beginnings of sentences, I, etc). For example, "The full moon shines tonight / and it sends us an eerie light. / I can almost here the howl / of a werewolf on the prowl." (Also, decap "full moon, werewolf" and "here" becomes "hear".) A few bits are a little forced/awkard - take "What is that? What could it be?", for example. Your speaker's doing just that - speaking. He'd probably say "What's that?" instead. If it sounds weird when you say it out loud, there's probably an issue. Similarly, "My ears listen with poise" just doesn't come off right. Try and picture ears with 'poise' - how would that work? Don't sacrifice message for rhyme. (I'm very nitpicky about grammar and such - don't take it too seriously; it's just surface errors!)
Anywho, I like the beginning picture of a very, very frightened and exhausted man traveling through th eerie moonlight. It's an entertaining story, and your narrator is sympathizable (...that's not a word, is it. Whatever).
Punctuating this would help with the flow; for example, "Dragonfly, bright soul / you shine / fast upon life's waters - / here and gone." (Also, capitalizing the first letter of each line is completely pointless - I've got issues especially with the greats like Eliot there - and takes away from the naturalness of the verse.) "Broken am I" sounds needlessly archaic and "I am broken" or even "I'm broken" would suffice. This isn't set in the seventeenth century and it's okay to make it modern, especially if you're using free or blank verse. (I'm very nitpicky about grammar and such - don't take it too seriously; it's just surface errors!)
I like the imagery here. I get the picture of this shiny, glowing dragonfly buzzing around this shimmery little pond. The repetition of the last lines in each stanza drives the point home well. It's a great start.
I think this'd be a lot better with punctuation. Now, it reads all in one breath and you'd never get to the end properly. You seem to be going for a somewhat stream-of-conciousness style here, which makes sense, but you've still gotta breathe every now and then. Maybe even use it to emphasize some points, like " snap out of it - / I HAVE to be / the rock, / the pillar - / I HAVE to keep"... so that the hypens (longer pause than commas or whatever) set off those IMPERATIVE bits. Also, similarly with the capitalization: unless it's at the beginning of a sentence/proper noun/otherwise required - I wouldn't reccomend it if you do it in sentences. Right now you're using them like full stops and that's not what they are. Unfortunately, line breaks aren't pauses, and you've gotta have that period or comma or other punctuation to make it happen.
Anyways, that's the nitpickyness in me. The poem itself is vey universal, in that I think everyone has days like this. Sometimes things just get too overwhelming but you can't just drop everything to pamper yourself - not that it stops you from wishing.
Most of my suggestions here are grammatical things because at the core this is a very, very lovely poem. (It reminds me of some modernist - in a good way! - whose name escapes me. Not Eliot or Pound or Williams, but... someone similar.) I warn you: I'm very, extremely, obsessively nitpicky about grammar in poetry, especially, but I'm also very stylistic so most of it will probably be simple opinion which could go either way.
I've got (grammar) issues with the first few lines. I think "pink; a princess" aught to be more along the lines of "pink - a princess who", where the semicolon is replacd by a hyphen and the comma after princess is removed. (When read, it seems to flow a little better like this.) Same deal with "upon a rock throne" with removing the comma.
The second stanza appears to be a bit of a run-on. It might be better to either split the parts about the pond and the princess or link them more immediately intead of going from describing its gleaming to her sitting somewhere (where? the pond? the mirror?).
For some reason, "She gazes at her countenance" bothers me but I have this thing against the word "countenance" so I'm not sure. The third stanza has a bit of a jarring, run-on feel again; I think it might be better to end a sentence at "skipping pebbles" because she's gazing first and splashes the water. Then - a new face appears. (Is this making sense? I hope so.)
The last line, aesthetically, is very different from the main body; I'm not sure whether I love that or don't. To make it more connected (yeah, I'm big on flow, hah) maybe try "Time is passing - / are you?" I think that lends a little sense of drama with the linebreak and hyphen, and capitalizing Time gives it a stylistic similarity to the rest of the poem.
Anywho, those are all really minor edits. I can be uber-nitpicky with this poem because it's already so great and just needs a little bit of polish. I love how it's all circular, the first line repeated in last (almost) line of the last stanza. My favourite lines are "with an oak saber, / rather synonymous with queen, / of nature, / of the hollow willow trees". For whatever reason I really love the "hollow willows" there, and how you said "rather synonymous" (party because I say things like that and people find it odd. I like it). Also, the way you reversed the typical order o "mirror, / majestic" was interesting. Absolutely fantastic premise - the passing of time - and execution.
You actually had me believing in the effect of hyphens for about half this article. XD The first part, especially the bit about "the study was originally aimed at spelled out numbers and whether they assist children in the learning process" was especially good and it seemed, for me, to lend some credibiliy. (This was especially worrying considering I abuse hyphens, hah.)
The biggest tip-off to the fakeness is definitely the homophone-misuse in the made-up article's title. "How Hyphens Effect a Marriage" is incorrect; "effect" with an "e" always is a noun, like "cause and effect," so it aught to be "How Hyphens Affect a Marriage. There's a few other minor grammar mistakes throughout, such as "participants backgrounds" instead of "participants' backgrounds."
The end-punchline could use a little work; the beginning is very, very professional and at a glance looks like a credible magazine article. For example, "We had to cut the interview short because Mr. Porter was too distraught to go on" sounds a little out of place; maybe, "The interview was cut short because Mr. Poter became too distraught to continue" in a new paragraph after his quote. Otherwise, this was a highly enjoyable piece, and you almost tricked me into believing it!
I think you've got a really good idea here. Your fragments are creative and thoughtful, but they're only that: fragents. It might help if you used linebreaks instead of (incorrectly spaced) commas. For example:
Blankets that cover a peaceful lake
a beautiful river bottom
suffocates a small pond
hides a beautiful field
swallows roads in darkness
It's still rather disjointed, but it certainly helps with your presentation. Each bit has a lot of potential - I especially like the second and third lines in the example I used - but as it stands now there's not much continuity. I'd love to see a revised edition of this.
I really like the picture you've painted of your home here. For some reason I'm rather drawn to the line "And, standing on a London street corner"; it's an unconventional way to begin a sentence but I think it works well. Also, "the rank scent of gum and gentle accent" is especially interesting, implying that both the good and bad are loved equally.
The only things I've got to add is maybe contrast this new-versus-old to help point out the difference? The first few lines don't give much by way of description of the not-home - but then again, it's rather inconsequential in light of the actual subject anyways. Also, is "eucalypts" in the sixth line suppoed to be "eucalyptus"?
Excellently done, overall. Keep on,
Elodie
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