Merchant’s Instinct
By Dagonet
Punctuation and grammar problems: Noted below
Questions: How is Sen’s personality recorded if he had the chip deactivated? Did Tess record Sen’s personality without him knowing? Sen says he does not want to be a shoulder sitter, but he ends up having conttrol over Alex’s actions in the end. This does not seem right considering as shoulder-sitters are seen as a form of slavery, i.e. the slave is controlling the owner in this instance.
General comments: Some wordiness which is noted below. Look for removing “had” and “it” from the story. Also look to using more contractions in the dialogue.
My own personal opinion: Overall, a fun read and very unusual idea. I gave it a 3.5 because the creativity is excellent, but the language could use some work. There are places where Sen’s words do not seem to fit the character. I knew Tess as a distinct personality. Sen I had more problems with… Sen alternates from being a down-to-earth rebel to an intellectual and poet. For example. He has an affinity for drinking and talking like “she pissed me off” then we get “majestically unfold.” I had a problem coming to terms with the contradictions. I liked language like “moving so fast and trying so hard.” To me, this was who Sen was…
The D.V.S. Stellar Charlemagne entered Tau Ceti orbit ten days after we had defeated the Gambit Enterprises attempt at the takeover of our shipping rights on board the Charlemagne. Should be “Gambit Enterprise’s” or “Enterprises’ “ Might take out “had.”
And since I had no more wartime duties, I made a point of being in a position to see the target planet when we arrived. I’ld take out “And”
Call it a merchant’s instinct passed down from out corporate ancestors millennia ago: the urge to size up the customer, especially a customer so rich as Tau Ceti. I think it should be “a millennia” and “as rich as.”
Slowly, the planet grew in the massive windows as I watched and sipped a bulb of the finest Martian wine, savoring the profits flowing into my account generated by the defeating the Gambits in that bloody little tête-à-tête almost as much as the fine Elysium Merlot. Confusing sentence… I think you mean “generated by defeating the Gambits” also how is he “savoring” the profits… is he looking at them on his computer screen?
I closed my eyes, savoring the wonderful, rich, dry flavor wash down my throat, reminiscent of the Red Planet itself. “savoring” is used too close together. Not sure I understand “reminiscent of the Red Planet itself” I would probably remove the whole sentence as it is repetitive.
When I opened my eyes, there was a woman sitting in front of me dressed in a severe dark blue suit with a tiny silver “T” at her throat. She looked hurried and harried. “hurried and harried” I like as a possible insight into Sen’s personality…, but probably not necessary as we understand that she is hurried and harried later on…Also just say this is his “boss” here, he would recognize her right away.
she had risen quickly through the ranks of the Terranis Guild with a quick wit and a ruthless razor mind.” I’ld take out “razor” or “ruthless” as they imply the same thing
“Alright, Sen, listen up. I’ve gotten your client list already via the Tau Ceti DowjonesNet and its been forwarded to you secretary, so check it out before you head down. I also arranged for you to be met by Alex and he’ll show you around since he’s from Tau Ceti originally. Now, if there’s nothing else,” Should be “it’s been” and “your secretary” I’d also take out “originally”
“Wait a minute, Li,” I drawled carefully pausing to slow her down, “Why don’t you stay and have a drink. Celebrate,” I grinned winningly, mostly from the fact that I knew I was annoying the hell out of her. Liked this… wanted more of this personality to come through…
I stood for a moment in the main concourse of the terminal, letting my gaze drift over the other people there with the practiced ease of a salesman. I would remove “there”
Anyway, Alex opened the door for me and I got in, sliding easily across the real leather seats. He slid in across from me and punched in a destination for the autopilot. I sat back in the seat and lit a Europan SmoothSea cigarette, savoring the flavor as the scenery of Far Jakarta began to flash by. Alexei and I talked, about business on the Charlemagne and on Tau Ceti and about the Terranis Guild trade in general. Anyway, soon the blurs outside the windows began to coalesce into the solid shapes of buildings as the car reached the programmed destination and hissed to a stop. Take out the first “anyway” I would take out “coalesce” as it doesn’t seem to work as Sen’s point-of-view.
“Hey, Alex, I want you to sat in the car while I do this. Nothing personal, but it’s the way I’ve always worked,” should be “sit”
I explained as I stabbed out my cigarette in the ashtray, “I’ve found that it keeps the customers more at ease with no one else around, considering what they’re buying. You understand, right?” Take out “I explained” not needed and take out “that”
“Oh, sure, Sen, I get it, good luck,” he said sounding a little hurt that I had snubbed him,{ “But what the hell are you selling that’s so sensitive, you’ve never told me,” he said the offending word with a sneer. take out “that I had snubbed him” that is implied… also take out “you’ve never told me” not needed.
I judged him to be about thirty or thirty-five, having a smooth face and blonde hair brushed back conservatively, in keeping with the light blue suit that said upper management, at the least take out “I judged” it’s implied. Also take out “blond” you mention that earlier.
.
She was tall and imposing, with a sharp nose and a gash of a mouth that looked perpetually turned down at the corners. take out “perpetually”
I appreciate that fact, if its true. should be “it’s"
”However, the data on the personality could also just be some presidential indiscretion, in which case, it is not worth my trouble without compensation.” change “it is” to “it’s”
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) I like the verbs to do a majority of the action, without additional modifiers. Look for repetition of ideas and words, which interferes with the overall flow and tightening the language well work to keep the reader reading. Try to remove ‘it’ when possible…replacing that word with a subject makes the writing more interesting. I just pointed some places where I thought there could be improvement, but obviously if it interferes with what you consider your writing style, ignore me.