This instructional piece was marvellous, would like to have seen perhaps some dot points to delineate information from opinion, but hey what the hell would I know. The most important part was your all in encouragement to write and write with originality. I applaud you tHinG
oooh!! I'm scared of this woman already. I think using some colour in this poem might give her a little more horror. I find it so hard to review poetry because what you're expressing here is such a personal experience of another person. However, I think she could be made more sinister with the coulour of her hair and eyes etc. with some juxtaposed adjectives.
Terrific. You kept it moving so well. The use of colloqualisms was effective. She's very sophisiticated for a ten year old but then I'm guessing a ten year carnie has to be that way to survive. I really liked the way there was tension building in the story from the very beginning. It flowed so well
How easily you defined one of the many voices that reads over a writer's shoulder and niggles away at us as we create. I was surprised that he didn't snigger or snort in derision; I know mine does. I would have expected a little more vitriol from an inner critic that's all - not really a criticism - just a comment.
Perhaps a little uncomfortable at the start but progressing beautifully to its conclusion. No need for characterisation; the swirl of emotions was enough for me to build the characters in my own head.I thought the paragraph in the hardware store was a little awkward, difficult to describe but it didn't quite flow as well as the remainder of the story. Marvellous overall.
I am a lover of bacon so you touched a nerve here. Nicely imaginative. I would like to have seen a little more character development of Bob and Bill. Loads of action which made me want to keep reading to the very end. There is definitely a sense of humour here but I think you need to express it a little more overtly. A very entertaining piece.
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