Dear jls135,
This is the 4th chapter, good job keeping on the story line! I am loving this story so far! I am looking forward to reading more chapters in the future! Still- good grammar and great punctuation.
Dear jls135,
So glad you finally are posting your story! I am enjoying this so much even though it is in the first chapter~ Good writing, punctuation, grammar, etc! Throughout the chapter I noticed a couple places that a comma would be useful- I think it would do you good to read each paragraph over again and add a mark in some places :)
at the end of your story it says "written by: S A Gibbins 1994"
and "Edited by Darylene lacovetta and S A Gibbins 2012"
Are you the author of this? I am just not sure what to think because I have not seen someone do this before!
Either way, this would still make a great childrens book! Great writing from the author!
I believe this will be a great story to start with! I really hope you chose to write more about it soon. I am excited to see what you are going to do with this!
Some Tips:
Develop Characters More
More Story Plot
More Side Stories (to make it interesting)
Anyways, Happy writing! I will be looking up on this because I am excited to see what it brings!
~Emily
I found this to be a really good screen play/ script! I am not just saying that because of the GP but I really did find it quite good :) One thing that seemed to bother me a little bit though is that the readers' don't know much behind the story in the beginning. Maybe have a narrator come in and speak about the problems or ordeals the characters are facing. Also- another thing, people don't usually speak so "clean," there weren't many laughs. giggles, cries,. etc that was going on. Adding some more emotion like things (Not just what they did, ex: smiled) will give it more of a realistic feeling to it.
Anyways, I found this to be quite a good screenplay! I hope to someday see this in the near future!
Happy writing!
~Emily
This was a really well written paragraph. Makes you really think all these things to yourself. Everyone has felt this way one way or another, very relate-able. I have even gone through something like this, where I feel just trapped in a room that I have locked myself in.
One spelling error I noticed (I think) in the second to last sentence "There stained with tears." I think it is supposed to be "They're" instead of "There"
Wow, crazy turn of events at the end. This story really shows not to hate even though some may have worse habits than others. And not to be mad at them (maybe be a bit upset and explain to that person why) and to try to get to know the real reasons why they are like that. There may be more going on than just a habit.
This story also shows that true friends can really pay off, if you give them a chance.
Very well written and emotional. I hope you know that you have no ruined yourself, there is nothing wrong with being lesbian, gay, trans, straight, etc. You will always have someone there for you. You are amazing the way you are, remember that. Some families don't accept this because they think it is wrong but they will always love you. You are their baby, their brother, their family. Don't let it get you down.
Very well written. What really hurts the eye though is every word is capitalized, distracting and almost made me skip because it wasn't very appealing. After read though, it was a very good poem. If what you are writing about it really happening to you, I give me best condolences. I'm sure you will be an amazing mother, don't give up!
~Emily.
This is not so much review on the writing itself but I hope you do the right thing. If i were that woman I would tell her the truth, if she finds out later that you didn't on her own, she might be even more furious with you. I hope you be a good man and stay in your baby's life- please.
P.s. You can mail me if you need any help. You don't know me but I might be able to help in some ways.
~Emily.
While reading this poem, it really made me think. It gives you a side of things most people don't really look at. I really loved this.
Something I do recommend doing though is adding a little more punctuation. Usually in poetry you can add commas, periods, etc to create pauses which may add more emotion to this.
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