I can't see the point of this piece - you are just tweaking bible verses into your own plain prose, and taking away all the lovely, poetic language of the bible, which for me, is part of the charm. There is no insight here, just clumsy rewording.
The layout is confusing, with some verses referenced, and others not - also mixed in with your own thoughts...which is which? One example-
'Pity the one who falls and has no one to help him up.' - for me, god is advising us to reach out to one another, and be interdependent - but your thought here is 'If you find yourself in that situation; be silent, go within.' which is the opposite sentiment.
The verses seem to have no cohesion or relation to each other, making for a disjointed read, fabricated for the sake of rhyme.
I would keep it simple, take one verse, put it in context, and give your insights into its meaning - poetically, of course...
Come close, love -- come close, my love - for cadence
let the world fall quiet around us. - drop 'around us' - that is understood.
No need for words
when your heartbeat speaks - a bit of a cliche - change 'speaks' for something stronger?
in the language only I remember.
You looked like a prayer unanswered - 'looked like' is the wrong verb - prayers are heard, or not.
until you returned
like a promise the sky forgot to keep
--but never did. - no need for this line.
Touch me like the first time,
eyes whispering what lips once feared. - once feared is rather abstract
Let me be your madness again, - passionate...
your refuge, your breath, - refuge is too safe, in the context.
the silence between two storms.
Stay--
not because I asked,
but because your soul already did. - don't say 'soul' it is a meaningless abstraction.
And I--
I will circle around you
until love forgets how to hurt. - lost love always hurts...but the hurt fades, maybe.
Overall, an engaging and enjoyable read............Em
The title seems lame and lazy - titles entice the reader - cut the blurb and call it 'night owl'?
Loads of nice phrasing, vivid adjectives and sweet rhymes here - making for a pleasant and rhythmic read. But the narrative is too overloaded with vague concepts for me to grasp any real meaning. And fails to engage me as it should. Just one example, but could apply anywhere-
Fingertips sang, a melody unstopped,
Thought's silent beams, from diverse dreams, then dropped.
Lovely phrasing and rhymes, but what am I to make of it?
For me, this piece needs grounding - with less abstractions and more concrete imagery to get your ideas across and engage the reader. That's the trick I guess...
You're a good writer and a natural rhymester, so I can only encourage you to keep at it - but keep it real!
For me, the form ain't haiku, nor is the subject - so is the title ironic, that's lost on me?
We have a contemplation of the process perhaps? Diagnosis, prognosis and death..
Weeks end - why the brutal line-break right at the start? Give the reader a break and coax them in gently.
Silently; hauntingly, Alzheimer’s, rheumatism enter - not fond of all the 'telling' here with Alzheimer’s, rheumatism. Show these conditions.
These humbling evenings,
Leaving a sad tale: - again, this cliche is too telling, evoke the sadness.
Doctors and your senility. - same again with senility.
Endlessness, relentless, encroaches. - leave out the second comma?
Soon, under noon sun, even the - under noon sun sounds like a needless device for a rhyme. Another clunking line-break in a cheap shot at being poetic. Irregular line-breaks need to be a lot cuter than this. (see what I did?)
Afterlife nods defiantly - how is this insight into the mood of the afterlife wrought?
Heaven Ever After, violating every natural survival - heaven is nice, but I don't get the rest of it.
Habit. All lost. Lives shorten - nice end phrase, but for me it cuts against all the senility, which suggests a long life.
Toward end and rip - oh dear, an awful pun that is misplaced in this piece.
Us slowly
Apart. Sitting under nodding dogwoods: epitaphs, reminders... - nicely back to the contemplation here, perhaps use 'memories', to circle with Alzheimer’s?
Sorry to sound so harsh, but you have some nice ideas and a wide vocabulary and this piece just needs a bit of tweaking for me.
This is certainly not surreal - it just uses a metaphor...
And the rest comes across as a list of plain statements, without any explanation or justification given, which also lacks poetry.
The grammar is poor and needs work on.
I must say, the sentiments expressed seem odd to me. Maybe, you are referring to a particular country or regime? In the intro, you say 'our life', so perhaps retitle 'our world is a prison'? And give more details in the poem. If you've got something to say, than say it, poetically of course.
This poem is certainly different and experimental, but it doesn't work for me - this sort of thing needs a lot more wit.
It's not philosophical for sure - just statements that get twisted with simple word-play and become rather meaningless.
Fair play for trying something new - but it takes a lot more thought on the concepts chosen - components and antidotes are just too vague for this reader.
I can only presume that English is not your first language - because the grammar and word-choices are so poor. Along with an oversimplistic and rather naïve message, make for a disappointing read.
If you have something to say, and want to express it poetically, I can only encourage you. But first, you should read the works of published poets to get the hang of meter and rhyme - Kipling might be a good starting point...
My, what a heartfelt and powerful poem - honest and courageous to the core...
My first thought was that the poem could be more specific, which country, which dictator? - but I think it could stand for all oppressed people across the world.
We do not lack prophets.
We lack courage.
We do not lack wealth.
We lack shame.
This piece comes across as an example of 'modern American' poetry (very popular these days!) with its confrontational and often self-depreciating stance, and punchy turn of phrase. Very well done. I also like the often surprising word choices and just the right touch of dark humour.
Two verses that mirror each other, but switch focus - nicely done.
For me, the second verse needs looking at-
My arms cradle her heart in love’s embrace, - a strange thought....drop 'heart'?
In my eyes, her cosmic purse, - cosmic purse?
My name whispered in Nebulae trace, - nebulae trace?
In her heart, my cryptic verse. - why 'cryptic'?
It might be said that the cosmic elements in this poem could be switched around without making much difference - but that is nature of abstract concepts I guess.
Overall, an enjoyable read with my nightcap, and I thank you for that.
This review is a bit of a fraud, as I don't have the concentration nor the stamina to read the whole piece - I'm not sure if anyone does. The concepts and the language are just too abstract and meandering to follow for such a long journey, and the reader gets lost (this reader at least). Check out 'abstractions in poetry'.
Okay, we have rhyming couplets, which is a very difficult style to write well - the rhyming words really need to chime, and the line lengths need to be consistent to pick up the rhythm - both need working on here. Check out Wordsworth.
The overall format is boring to look at, and more boring to read...let's break it down into 4 line verses, and take a closer look at the opening.
lifes like living on a freeway without ever changing lanes - straight in with a typo -but overlong and clunky.
for most people here on Earth claiming to be sane - 'here on Earth claiming to be sane' is redundant and just confuses the issue.
there's merging into patterns unseen by naked eyes - what thing is merging into patterns?
that move in different waves through instances of time - this is too abstract, and hard to visualise.
I would break up this poem into several pieces - each addressing a different philosophy, religion etc. I think it is great that you are prepared to tackle these concepts poetically (we have enough bleating hearts here!) but it is difficult not to slide into those dreaded abstractions.
You have a wide vocabulary and often, a nice turn of phrase, and more importantly, loads of ideas - all the tools are there, just consider the reader and work on the presentation.
I was drawn in by the title here (honestly) and I think it is a really creative topic for a poem.
My first thought was - who is conducting the funeral? - but perhaps it is a metaphor for the earth reclaiming the dead?
This leads to a little confusion on who the narrator is - firstly remote, then one of the humans (which seems strange after the funeral) - and some verses seem to be narrated by the earth. This needs clarification.
For me, the poem is overlong with too many verses basically repeating the same idea. A lot of them can be cut from the poem to give something punchier.
As I see it, the overall message seems to be wide of the mark - that the humans and the earth loved each other - and that the earth laments our passing. I would think that the earth and all other life on earth would breathe a sigh of relief!
Very brave to go with a tight rhyming scheme, and here and there the rhymes seemed forced and you need to be more creative with the language. Taking the first verse-
Little over a month has passed,- This is a boring and passive opening, and needs some poetry...as the seasons pass?
The Earth laments humanity's final act - a bit clunky - earth laments our final act
And offers its own flowers, sad and sparse - great line
Where footsteps once trod, now there's only lack. - an obvious forced rhyme - be creative with the language - where footfalls trod and never came back?
For more impact, I would reduce the poem to two verses-
Little over a month has passed,
The Earth laments humanity's final act
And offers its own flowers, sad and sparse
Where footsteps once trod, now there's only lack.
Goodbye, our home, we gave our all
Every feeling we felt, belonged to thee
Even in death, you have a place for all
Your embrace a refuge, for eternity.
A nice idea for a poem - joviality giving way to grim reality perhaps.
For me, 'laughter' is too wide a concept to be specified as the last resort of the 'desperate' - nor does it fit well with the abstract idea of 'hope'.
Indeed, I would drop the idea of laughter all together - for a more succinct and focused poem - and the last lines can be dropped by emphasising the wind in the main narrative. Of course, the poem would need retitling.
Dropping laughter and swapping around the abstractions of hope and experience might relate something more insightful, perhaps?
Hope
is the dance
of the last wind-blown leaves
clinging to the rotting tree of
experience
First of all, I'm not a fan of authors explaining their poem in the intro - all that stuff should be in the poem - in this case just the title, rename 'the undergraduate'?
I really like the opening couplet - nice to recite and surprising.
Why does the narrator need to 'slow up time'?
But I’d surely have one by now. - for me, 'But surely I'd have one by now.'- for the drama...
'Then a revelation touched my mind,' - revelation is too abstract for the reader to grasp here - what does it actually mean? - be real, or make something up...
To take the reins myself, - who else has 'the reins'?
The future is mine for the taking. - a bit of a cliché for the ending.
Overall, an uplifting poem I enjoyed reading that goes from doubt to hope - but the journey needs a little smoothing out.
just my thoughts................Emlyn
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