I think you have a nice beginning. I do like the back stories you give to Daniel Felk Jr. and Jim Palmer and then the characteristics you have for Daniel Felk Jr. I especially like the comic book part. However, I find that your story is all over the place. And after reading it, I'm not intrigued, so much as confused. I think you need a more linear set of scenes and a focus on a specific character. Also, there are some grammatical and spelling mistakes that could be fixed, but I think you have a great start. It's probably that you have a general idea of where you're going, but not a concrete one and finding that concrete idea will make this much much better and flow that much more. Chapter Two could be deleted entirely or shortened to at least two sentences. It's not really interesting and doesn't move the story forward to its climax.
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