I don't have that many comments - 'magic black' seems a poor choice of wording since, at least how I read it, it seemed to detract from the rhythm. Perhaps, though, I am reading it in a different style than you intended.
Another thing that threw me was the word 'manna'. I rarely see it spelled like that, and was wondering if there was a reason for the unconventional spelling?
Overall I felt the poem was fairly strong, and a good reflective piece on, as I saw it, dissecting intellect from truth, and dissecting those two both from reality.
This is a perfect little poem that shows how life seems so... dramatic to young kids. I love how they have nicknames, and how, at times, it seems as if they are real soldiers, or at the least adults. The one thing that I am left wondering, though, is where are the adults? It's lovely as is, just left me wondering where the oh-so-dreaded Playground Monitor was.
The feeling of loneliness could be increased if you added white space at the start of each line that has alone in it. Also, I might suggest changing the last line from
With Me.. (which should be With me...)
to
Without you,
alone.
Also, you should either end each line that needs it or none, consistency in style is a good thing.
Fuzzy dead grandfathers and space ships with palm trees on them. I can't think of anything else I'd like from a story. Well... any chance you could add pie into the next one. Pecan pie, preferably. Or peach. Any alliterative pie will be fine, actually.
Hmm?
Oh right, review the story.
I didn't notice any typoes but I was too focused on the content to really pay them any attention. I like the story, and how short it is, but I think it would have also made a wonderful slightly longer short story.
A good piece as is, and could only be improved upon
Quielty, in the dark, her great grandma told her, "No you are not allergic to God, church services were meant more for grown ups and that Alice was just bored."
You seem to have messed up your point of views here. It should either be
Quietly, in the dark, her great grandma told her, "No, you are not allergic to God, church srvices are just meant more for grown-ups and that you are just bored."
or
Quietly, in the dark, her great grandma told her that she was not allergic to god, that church services were just meant for more grown-up people and that she was just bored.
Personally, I prefer the second.
Now the good:
I think this a lovely little short that has an important message, and one that seems often overlooked in modern religion. It isn't about sermons, or mass, or going to the temple, or any other service. It is all about belief. You sum that up wonderfully and without being boring. I think this story would benefit from perhaps being divided into shorter paragraphs, and with more detail. You could make it a full fledged short story rather than a short story very easily - include possibly her starting to go to her pastor for help and backing out, or some other detail that shows how much this is bothering her.
A funny little poem, that much is true
Your rhyming is good and your pacing is too
Now this poem isn't quite
As good as it might
The grouse says mice are a treat
But then he thinks, so does he not eat?
When the grouse eats the critter
His stomach says "bitter"
Out it comes with a blurch
I wonder here now, is a blurch like a belch
Which rhymes just as well
And as far as I can tell
Makes just as much sense
These are my two cents
And written in plainspeak they be
If you send an e-mail to me
This piece could have been a lot stronger if you had changed some wording and removed some capitals. Below is a version with edits, done in the best way I could in this text box. Your line comes first:
I wake: my Heart is Singing
EDIT: I wake, my heart is singing.
That heart has never sung
EDIT: This heart has never sung
Only hummed
EDIT: Only hummed.
EDIT: Perhaps you could increase the length of this line? It's unusually short
Yet now for You it Sings
EDIT: Yet now for you, it sings.
My spirit Glows
EDIT: My spirit glows
Surrounded in gold mist
EDIT surrounded in gold mist.
Like pixie dust you’ve
EDIT: Like pixie dust, you've
Sprinkled over me.
EDIT: This line is fine
My spirit floats
EDIT: My spirit floats,
Before me floats an
EDIT: Before me floats
Ornament
EDIT: an ornament;
Silver and gold.
EDIT silver and gold.
I am the silver base
EDIT: I am the silver base.
My Love, you are the gold
EDIT: My love, you are the gold
Encircling my globe.
EDIT encircling my globe.
I found this poem boring, cliche, and a good summary of all poems written by snot-nosed emo brats from the suburbs. You seem to, in the poem, hold the selfish belief that other people rely on you in order to express their emotions, although you don't get that nor any other message you might have across very clearly. For being a collection of phrases from people's MySpace poetry, it doesn't do a very good job at being what it is.
This is a great guide for basic grammar, and doesn't make it seem like an unobtainable goal for some far off god of the English Language. ONe thing you aren missing though that would be nice to see is one of the most common mistakes I see, which is your vs. you're. So often I see this mistake, even in reviews of stories that are correcting grammar.
I like this one as much as the beach one. I don't think I've ever read such a short story that managed to have an antagonist, protagonist, climax, and even a plot twist. Truly a wonderful and simplistic story that shows much more than comes at face value. (PS: This review has fifty-five words)
I liked the overall message of this piece - how much the narrator dislikes children, and complains about them in a general way, seemingly oblivious to the fact that she is getting ready to contribute. However, I gave it a lower score since there are multiple mistakes in grammar (were and where, your and you're) and it seems to go on for longer than necessary. I like the details, but I think that this level of detail should only be in parts of the story, to give it more force. Including the commentary after the table-scratchings was good detail, the cold gel seemed a bit much. Also, I feel Jessi was more of a distraction from the story than anything else. I suppose it shows the third major age group, but that doesn't quite fit in with the rest of the piece.
Additionally, the bit with coffee and Starbucks could be condensed a bit. Again, it would make the story stronger, overall.
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