I just lost a long review and cannot recreate it. Sorry.
That said... thanks for the read. The use of the senses (sound) at the beginning and details (Stanislaus River and Boy's Life) establishes a sense of place and time. Western could be a genre and may be better than one of the others.
I'm not a storyteller and I'm not so sure about the dialogue (feels stinted) but it's definitiely YA and the insecurity of a 12 year old boy seems spot on.
It also makes sense. Those of us who have been broken can relate.
I have no advice as to how to strengthen it poetically.
Anything based on personal experience demands more than one poem, short prose, essay... whatever... to convey the event. This could be part of something larger. A short story of memoir chapter at the minimum.
I find this difficult to read. I like: "Bedtime yawned earlier" and "I glued on paper wings inked in dismissal and let them fly elsewhere."
It has a 'beatnik' 1950s feel (when vomit on the page was in vogue) but needs severe editing to properly flow and make sense. It's does use some poetic devices but I can't like it as is. I give it a 3.0.
Mini-review: A totally different approach from a poet who has written many rhymed verses. This one depends on rhythm and is best read at an exhausting pace (like many newbie poets use to their detriment, but appropriate in this case) preferably in two breaths. I do believe it needs a bit of an edit though and maybe a lengthening then shortening of lines mimicking a crescendo and decrescendo.
This work obviously depends on the sense of taste woven with 'facts' like calories and obesity and over-the-top words like 'humongous' and 'uproarious'. Normally I prefer spare images but the overwhelming use of adjectives fits the subject matter of fast food and the theme of over-indulgence. I give it a 4.6 as is.
Mini-review: It has a good rhythm and rhyme scheme with lines of 9-11 syllables and the use of the word 'whilst' always amuses us Americans . The theme is good and it reads mostly like Dr. Seuss which is also good. However 'mostly' is the key. It says 18 lines but there are only 17 and one notes that 'die' in line 7 breaks the rhyming pattern almost as if a line were deleted by mistake. Also, this rhythm works best when it's strictly adhered to and in reading out loud there are lines that don't. Still a very good poem that could be better if edited. I give it a 4.3 at this point.
Mini-review: Yes, it fits the form, but it doesn't feel poetic as no poetic devices are used. That and it evokes no emotion. Chess is a mental game and that it portrays well. The metaphor works well as we all know people who live their lives for "short term gain". This is more a mental exercise (4+) than poetry (2-). I give it a 3.0 as it would do well as part of a chess story.
Mini review: Yes, it avoids one letter. It's labeled as poetry. But is it? There is no repetition of sound or rhythm that I can discern. Meter maybe? The syntax and semantics feels tortured. I really like "Its ubiquity far outstrips / a supporting cast / of minor actors." The idea is nice but poetry is a skillful use of words not ideas. Ideas work best in essays although they can be expressed in poetic form. It's not that it's bad; and yes, it can be made better by smoothing out its flow. But even then it's not strong poetically. As a mind-game it's fine. As poetry I give it a 3.0.
Full-review: There are 5 major components that make a hokku a haiku or senryu.
1. Two images juxtaposed.
2. No emotion given, just elicited in haiku. Senryu seems to bend this rule.
3. Concrete images. Humans count as natural images. "Johnny" does not.
4. One cutting word. In English, punctuation counts as such.
5. Season word. (sakura = warm spring; ume = early cold spring; etc.)
What doesn't matter.
6. Exactly 17 syllables arranged 5/7/5. This is an English language convention. Japanese is 17 'on' (morae).
7. caPiTaliZation. Japanese has none. It is irrelevant.
8. Rhyme. It is irrelevant...
9. ...although... senryu can also be witty and word-play is part of that.
So, lets look at it:
Cavern-like shelter
Cold, dank, and isolated
Internet caveman
Good: Does elicit a response (#2). Images seem concrete (#3), although 'isolated' is iffy if applied to caveman as it bends this rule.
Not good: No cutting word or punctuation (#4) means that I'm not sure where line 2 fits (#1) and images are blurry. There is NO season word (#5). Caves/caverns tend to be cold and dank year round.
Questionable: (#6) makes this feel like middle school class assignment.
My thoughts:
Snowdrifts block the cavern — an internet terminal blinks
This would fulfill #1-5. It feels a bit 'heavy' as 14 syllables is a bit much (about 28 'on')
Snow blocks the cave — a blue screen blinks
This would be shorter, maybe too short in English with 8 syllables (~24 'on').
Frozen man-cave — a cell-phone rings
(~19 'on') But still missing something.
Anyhoo. Points on an image that elicits a response. I believe that's what others are rating this on. So 2 out of 5. To strengthen this either abandon the grade-school form and severely edit or abandon the idea that it's a hokku and rework it into a short-form that fits it (24 syllable contest might work). As is, it isn't a haiku/senryu imo. I rate it a 3.1 on strength of decent images and evoked response. It's worthy of editing to strengthen it.
It's a great idea for a poem. Fragrance does evoke memories and emotions. However, poetry is based on the use of language to bring this moment to life. Ideas need to find the right flow (which is okay) and words (not-s'okay) and to be poetry needs to use poetic devices properly (inconsistent). This needs an edit for spelling and grammar. Somes rhymes like tight/might seem forced (although nice use of 'nares'). 'fragile slow growing' is either awkward or overly descriptive; prune. The idea is salvageable; the poetry is not. I give it a 2.5. I suggest starting over.
Mini-review: From 2004 by a member who isn't very 'active'. It's nice enough, poetic enough. Nice use of words and images. Never edited. I give it a 4.4.
I really like these four lines:
Imagine watching a fairy elf
Until you both begin to sing.
Imagine a sky painted in purple,
A wind that whispers your name.
Mini-review: It's unfinished. Needs to be totally rethought. Is it supposed to be words that follow the tune or is it a parody? For me, it doesn't work on any level, sorry. I rate it 1.8. I suggest starting over or at least finishing.
Mini-review: not sure what exactly it is. Might be nice for a bio-block or statement of belief or purpose. By a newbie, so hard to fathom its purpose. Unratable by me. But I need to rate to review. It's not poetry. I disagree with its premise. Maybe a 2.0.
What are your views on this?
What is poetry? Is it rhythmic? ~1~ I think repetition of rhythm, rhyme, line, sound matter but it needn't rhyme (look at haiku).
Does it express your feelings? ~2~ Not necessary. It should evoke something in the reader though.
Poetry to me is, something where you can feel free to be yourself. ~3~ Many would agree, but not necessary. If it helps free you... then that's good. It works that way for me sometimes but 5,153 pages in my journal help as well.
Someplace that could take you far- you don't have to ever come back. ~4~ Ditto.
You can be you; you can get wild. ~5~ Ditto. Except restrained is better and vomit is vomit. Get wild then learn to edit.
May not be impressive to some, but to you- its your life. ~6~ Yes. It can also work as Art Therapy.
This is for those who don't know where life could take them-
Those who aren't accepted-
The beings that know who they are but can't seem to express it. ~7~ That's Art in general.
Speak your mind. ~8~ Or the mind of your Muse or a million characters fictional and real.
The writer is confusing poetry with writing and writing with Art and Creativity. Very simplistic so hopefully he/she will write a story or a poem and post. And then learn, grow, mature.
Mini-review: I'm not convinced that the format works. It does flow but all line-breaks could be rethought imho. For some reason the questions disturb; it asks me to agree that wolves are predators and therefore cruel or bad and that the rabbit is somehow innocent. That may work for others but it doesn't for me. On the other hand, vivid concrete images work better. There is good tension in "she only freezes pulse quickening the wolfs pawsteps rumbling in her ears his nose quivering." I like it but it's uneven and the 'aggressive' approach puts me off. I'm not sure how to rate it. Maybe a 3.9. It has potential.
That was my first reaction on reading it. I liked it better on my second reading. So I up my rating to 4.3.
Mini-review: Quatrains of aaaa, bbbb ... 5-8 syllables, fairly rhythmic except for the word 'alternative' (is 'alt' good enough or another way to refer to it? Or is this metrical verse?) which at 4 syllables is 2 syllables too long. What is nice is that the aaaa rhyme scheme doesn't feel forced or twisted. From 2015. I rate is 4.4 as is; could use a minor edit.
Further notes: Tim Chiu has hundreds of poems. Few if any reviews ... which puzzles me. Much of his poetry is definitely rhyming poetry and many here prefer that. I suggest more reviewers need to read and review as he deserves to be read.
Mini-review: I felt I was there. I really like the strong ending "bitter-dark and sweet as every year they’ve known." Uses smells, colors, touch, taste and sound. Great use of senses. I'd prefer 'smack!' to 'strike' because it is more of a sound and would be echoed by 'crack' later. But that's a quibble. The syntax towards the end puzzles me. I shouldn't have to stop to figure it out. Near rhymes like bubble/gurgle and the assonance of spin/stick/dizzy is very nice. After 5 years it's due for a second look and edit. As is I give it a 4.6. It could be a tad higher imho.
Mini-review: A very short senryu (they're all short... *ack* says Bill-the-Cat). I don't think anything more can be done with it. I rate it a 4.2. Personally, I was a melon and sea-green child. I often use different colored pens in my journal (which I've started) writing in again. Today it's .4mm red... so thin. I also use colors in my blogs to divide sections. Oft times they reflect my mood. So I agree with the 'message'.
Mini-review: I liked it, mostly for the message of aging and the way it's laid out as free verse. Doesn't flow as smooth as I'd like though and a couple odd words (omit?) or phrasing caught me. From 2003, "it is what it is" and I give it a 4.4.
Mini-review: I really really like this. The jumble of juxtapositions will connect with many people who have more than one heritage or home or like me who come from a very simple background that they then made more complicated, interesting, dangerous and beautiful.
I found the word 'large' puzzling and interpreted it as 'fat' (from eating). The lack of punctuation combined with left-flush capitalization made it harder for me to read. But it still was powerful. It's going on 10 years now. Perhaps time for an edit. I give it a 4.6.
Mini-review: Preachy. Good message. I could quibble with it but I won't. Poetics... it would need severe editing. Once 'man and woman' is established there's no need repeating it (in a poem... in a sermon to those who have problems with that concept? Fine.) and 'human' will do if needed after the first mention. It's also wordy and could easily be pruned. In this case more isn't better. The nice rhythm established in the first verse is unfortunately abandoned and that's noticeable when read out loud. No other poetic devices are used. It has no concrete images, only abstractions. Although salvageable, it utterly fails poetically. A 2.0 for effort.
To critique this haiku: A specific bird/animal would be better imho. Big difference between crows, jay, sparrows or squirrel. There's no sense of season. "Huddled" or "freeze" would give a feeling of autumn, winter ("sweat" for summer). When I lived in Kansas so would "red cardinal". Here "ospreys" = summer and "eagles" = winter but neither would be tapping the gutter. A flicker or other type of woodpecker would. It's very important to note that no emotion is added allowing the reader to enter the scene and add joy, sorrow or any emotion that's evoked. So maybe something like:
I freeze on my porch
flicker perched above my head
tapping the gutter
A worthy read. A short study in how the 'wounded' depend on each other. I can attest to this from the days when I was homeless. Seeing the street people, homeless people, Rainbow people with their pets (usually dogs) it becomes apparent how important they are. Every 'facility' (homeless shelter, nursing home, assisted living, prison, half-way house) should have one. For many it's easier to relate to a dog or cat than it is to people. Pets seldom hurt a human, other humans often do.
So the story rings true. Only one suggestion ... this needs to be expanded a bit into a short story. It doesn't quite fit well with 'flash'. As is, though, it's a very good, albeit short, read and worthy of at least a 4.5 rating.
To mini-review: I really like this old piece. I give it a 4.0. To make it more poetic I'd suggest taking out a couple useless words, using 's instead of is, then reading out loud to correct the rhythm. Rhythm is especially important to this piece because rhyme is not and it already has a fairly good rhythm as I only stumbled in a couple places.
Thematically, it's a lament about a relationship. In this case Writer versus Muse. I'm amused by that because I've had this internal conversation (at least I 'thought' it was internal ).
Mini-review. It's poetic! Which is great because not all 'poetry' here is remotely poetic. That said, the repetition of the last line, the basic aaR (aa rhyme/refrain) structure, make it poetry. The down side of that is that it seems to be tortured verse at times. And it's written in the historical past voice. Yoda chatting about a historical event he witnessed a long time ago. The historical past makes it feel like story telling and that tells the emotion but doesn't evoke it unless you already know the story. 19 years later now, it's definitely history. Some first time voters weren't even born then.
"Every September we pause to remember" becomes trite as a theme unless it offers something new. This poem doesn't delve into anything new. I give it a 4.0 on the strength of its poetry.
Mini-review: Definitely poetry. 8/6/8/6 rhythm and abab rhyme throughout (except one line). Standard ballad so this could easily be put to music. This is akin to cowboy poetry. And with the right tune could be a western (not country) song about the dark open skies (think cattle country like Flint Hills in Kansas) away from the city lights.
The down side... to perfectly rhyme some words seem forced. And that effects stanzas 3 and 5 the most. Those could be reconfigured or replaced or left as is as 'contorted verse' may be suitable for the genre. 24 lines of singsong verse is adequate, so good length.
Could use a mild edit but very good as is. I rate it 4.5. Definitely a keeper and could be entered into a contest (its age is not a problem for many contests), if only for the attention and possible reviews.
The writer's bio-block states: "Always curious to learn something new.....deep reader.....observer...a great designer (second place of interest), first is of course writing!!...a dedicated traveler..." I'd love to see some travel writing or comments.
As a writer (I read the other posted items) I would suggest the new free verse forum as the poetry fits best into that 'form'. Editing this work with free verse in mind would help. That said, this poem suffers from a very common malady here on WDC. IMHO, the words 'the' and 'is' should be banned. It truly weakens poetry.
It starts out good:
Let me just shut my view
and locate my stars,
to find out if I am honest enough
with my love and past.
but needs tightening up (in other words a good edit). Regardless, it shows promise. I'd give it a 3.5 at this stage.
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Sorry.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
. The theme is good and it reads mostly like Dr. Seuss which is also good. However 'mostly' is the key. It says 18 lines but there are only 17 and one notes that 'die' in line 7 breaks the rhyming pattern almost as if a line were deleted by mistake. Also, this rhythm works best when it's strictly adhered to and in reading out loud there are lines that don't. Still a very good poem that could be better if edited. I give it a 4.3 at this point.
It's not poetry. I disagree with its premise. Maybe a 2.0. 
).