My favorite lines are the first and second because I feel that they set the stage for the piece. The writer is defined by music and appears to be someone who shines in the eyes of the audience but not within himself/herself.
I did however have some difficulty determining the main topic of the piece however maybe that is somewhat the authors intent as evidenced by the title of Reckless Control?
Hauntingly beautiful. I had to read this twice to fully grasp your poems core meaning of loss and death. The opening line is a true attention grabber and left me fully immersed in your writing. I have a little confused with the line "an abortion performed long after birth". Was the baby killed after being born?
Amazing, amazing work. I still have chills from reading this story. Have you entered these in any contests? They are really quite good. I love how you are able engage the reader in the setting while still staying true to the plot! I also love how despite the fact I'm deeply engrossed in the story, it is impossible for me to predict what happens next. Great Work!
I can honestly say that I really enjoyed reading this story. There was a clear solid plot present that kept my senses heightened and alert, continuously wondering what might happen next. I felt as if I, the reader, played a part in the story. You made it so easy to see things through every character's perspective. Excellent work! While I enjoyed the entire story, I must say that my favorite was the unexpected twist at the end. I never saw that coming! Great work! I would love it if you gave me some advice with my own short stories..
This is an awesome start! You rhythmic pattern flows smoothly and you seem to have everything down pat.
The only suggestion I can presently think of is to divide your poem into sections only because it is easier for the person reading this to grasp the full extent of your poem. By doing this, you will get more feedback. Overall, great work and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Thank you so much for writing this. It reminds me so much of my own family and pets--I don't know where I'd be without them. Everything about this story is perfect. I hope this doesn't sound stupid, but my brother's rabbit died today. I am 16 now and was around 8 or so when my brother got him. I really liked this story. You have a special gift allowing you to not only write well but also connect on a level so deep that I've never witnessed before.
thanks again for writing this,
I really needed something like this. My rabbit died today and I've known him almost my whole life. This helped me make sense of my feelings alittle better.
Wonderful, Wonderful Work. I loved your colorful description and special care not to cut down on any character traits. I also love how well this story is to relate to. Congratulations! The only word of advice I could possibly give you is: if this is truly something you wrote years back, you might want to remove the ratings option. Every written piece can always surpass expections, but I feel yours already has.
In addtion, having something you wrote long ago is, in my opinion, somewhat of a sentimental piece. I know I wouldn't want to change any of my earlier works and if that is the case, people reading and reviewing your work are going to treat this as if you want it to be changed. If you DO want to change it. Go ahead, changing is not a bad choice and neither is not changing it. The only thing that matters is what YOU want.
Overall, Great Work on this piece and I look forward to R&Ring more of your work.
This isn't your average autobiography because.....<drumroll> IT"S INTERESTING! From my experience of having to read autobiographies all throughout my school life and then writing, (*shudders*) papers about them, was practically scarring!(Well it seemed like it was scarring). I think you should be teaching some of these other autobiography authors how to be interesting....well actually most of them are dead so I guess you could teach the ones who are alive-- you know what I mean.
What I liked about this piece:
The title definitely: It was what truly grabbed my interest and set your work above the rest.
The centered quote was truly the key that opened the door leading to my attention. An awesome idea to get the reader better mentally involved in your autobiography.
While reading this, I felt as if I were talking to my best friend. I think it's because your autobiography is so easy to relate to and identify with.
Your writing style held my attention from beginning to end.
I love how you bulleted each topic. This made it very easy for me to separate each topic from the next.
Lastly, this is a great idea to show some well deserved advertising on your previous/current writings. All of which you have completed to the point of excellence! Congrats!
Definitely a 5 out of 5 stars. If you put ratings up you can be sure I'm going to give you a five star rating!
Wow Reading this was like an emotional rollercoster!(in a good way). This poem kept me guessing the entire time, and I was rewarded with a satisfying finish. Great Work!
I really enjoyed reading this. As an upcoming High Schooler, I find this information very useful. I found no flaws in this piece, but being that I am not the best in grammer doesn't mean that I'm right. So I would definitely get a second opinion on that one.
My favorite thing about this piece is how you wrote it and made it easy for me not only to read, but to also understand.
I look forward to reading more of your work in the future and am going to add you to my favorite authors so I can see what else you put up here. ^_^
WOW and I mean WOW! This is such a cool poem! I've never seen anything so well put together. Great Work! I especially like all of the vocabulary!
My favorite part of this poem is the second paragraph:
"Adroitly dodging that unwanted task,
manipulation reigns behind the mask
concealing sanctimonious disdain
for any realistic truth campaign."
I really enjoyed reading this paragraph because of it's beat and it's really fun to say aloud.
Keep Writing!
Enolse
P.S. Do you think that you could review my poem "Invalid Item" ? It's for one of my favorite teachers. This is my last year of middle school and I wanted to thank each of my favorite teachers with a poem. I am hoping to give it to them on the last day of school, which is now tomorrow. If you are too busy I understand if you can't do it.
I really enjoyed reading this static item of yours. Concidentily I have finals coming up this week on Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet so needless to say this was a big help to me.
What else can I say about this piece other than sheer excellence? My eyes were so nailed to the computer screen that I needed the back side of the hammer just to get them off! Infact, I felt intertwined into this story from sentence number one:
"It was not a good day for Aunt Sarah." To the very last paragraph:
"This time, Aunt Sarah allowed me to see her tears fall before turning away again. Quietly facing the setting orb, she would remain standing there, her hands on the wooden railing … watching time elapse in slow motion."
The description in this is simply breathtaking. I would give ANYTHING to write this well.
I love the dialogue and how you made me, the reader, feel as if I was right next to you and Aunt Sarah experiencing everything that you were experiencing as the story continued to unfold itself.
The most intense moment in this story for me was this one because it was both a selfness act of love between two people, you wanting Aunt Sarah to be cared for by you and Aunt Sarah not wanting to burden you. You are both truly very wonderful people:
When she turned to face me again, her figure was spectrally glowing from behind by the setting sun. It was mesmerizing. She looked like an angel approaching me. But her face depicted nothing angelic about it. She looked stern, harsh and unwavering. “Listen to me,” she demanded. “My decision is final. Tomorrow, I want you to contact the caregiver agency to review their records and start sending pre-screened and qualified applicants over for interview. I cannot stand mediocrity. I want someone who is intelligent enough to carry a conversation with me; who can manage my administrative needs; who knows the area well and can drive anywhere …you understand how important that is for me.”
I hope this review helps in whatever way it can. If you're too busy I definitely understand but do you think that you could review my poem "Invalid Item" . It is a 'thank you for teaching me poem' for my science teacher. I am going into the highschool next year(10-12) and want to write a poem for each of my favorite teachers. I have about five more to go and want to give it to them on the last day of school which is June 13th. I would deeply appreciate the feedback.
You're off to a really great start! I only have a few suggestions:
1. Try putting one or two spaces in between your paragraphs. This way the reader will be able to fully 'digest' what you are saying, as I can tell you poured your heart into this piece and I want it to be the best it can possibly be. Remember their is always room for improvment no matter how great something is.
2. Ever hear of Writing ML Help? It really helps bring color and design to your work. Just go to site tools, located in the upper left on the tool bar and move your mouse down to the last one which is Writing ML Help...YAY! ^_^
3. You have a few grammer mistakes. Try reading over your piece again to find them.
4. Please, Please continue to edit and revise this piece. I think you might have something here if you continue to work at it.
There were also many many things I absolutely LOVED about this piece, such as:
1. Your idea is unique and is also a topic that you can easily add on to, if you feel the sudden urge to make it longer.
2. I loved that you wrote "Let me know if I could help you in any way" Not everyone is thoughtful and kind enough to write that. Great Work!
3. Your words flow very clearly and easily, which is usually a problem for most new writing.com writers, but not for you!
3 1/2: Your creativity is absolutely amazing! I can't wait to read more of your work so that I can watch your portfoilio blossom and grow! ^_^
4. This is something that I think you could add too. For instance: what else does God give us that we don't take the time to notice/appreciate?
WOW! You had me entrance all the way through! I feel like Alan playing those slot machines!But not with a cypermind, this is really good. You had me rooting for the protagonist even when his computer mind took control. Have you ever thought about expanding this? I would really like to read more of it.
Keep Writing!
Enolse
P.S. I really admire your writing style and was wondering if you could help me out with my developing "Invalid Item" . I would really apperciate the feedback.
W0W...I mean WOW. This is amazing! I can't find anything wrong with this do you think that you could help me with my short story The World That Was Once My Home? You'll find it in my porfilio. I would really appreciate the feedback.
I really enjoyed reading this story. And even though it was short, I was surprised at how clear and fulled of meaning each word was. Nothing garbling about this piece!
Keep Writing!
WOW!All I can say is wow! When reading this I felt as if time stopped or something like that! I felt all of my worries wash away for a brief moment while reading this wow! The only thing that I thought might need work is that some of the lines seem a little forced. I mean the first two lines seem so magical they just draw me in! But this last word on the third line seems kind of forced. But then the magic starts up again after that line. And the last word on the second to last line of your poem seemed just a little off beat as well but maybe that is good in a way because it weaves your mind out from imagining to reality, imagining to reality. So maybe you shouldn't change anything after all!
This is a very interesting piece of writing. I can honestly say that I enjoyed reading it because you wrote this in a way of which I can also relate. Isn't it funny how the most simple, most everyday normalcies can one day astound us in ways I would never expect. I esspecially loved how effortlessly you wrote how you changed your opinion of the fortune cookie paper and starting dissecting it in ways I could understand!
What a cute little lemon twist to an old classic! I really enjoyed reading it and found myself engrossed in your story the entire time I was reading it! I especially liked how the wolf wasn't bad and simply misunderstood. The ending was very funny as well. Is there a sequel to this?
Keep Writing!
Enolse
P.S. Do you think that you could review my work sometime? I would really appericate the feedback.
HA HA! These should be published in a book or something like that. My favorite is the blond joke. I am definitely showing these to my friends...especially the blond joke! The only thing I found wrong with this was that you spelled does wrong on the second joke. ALL of these are funny though! Feel free to email me anytime as one of your fellow classmates.
enolse
WOW! This is really good. I really enjoy how you took me my surprise and got me interested in the story so quickly! I can find nothing wrong with this that's how good it is! lol! Out of curiousity, what made you think to write this? Do you think that you could review some of my work sometime? i would really appreciate the feedback.
Keep writing
Enolse
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