I really really really love the idea of this poem. It's got some great lines in here and I especially like how the ending turns the whole feeling of the poem upside down. It's very melancholic. My only problem with the poem is that I don't get any actual imagery in it. Where are any of the five senses. Tell me what it feels like, or what the laugh sounds like. Images only make the poem stronger because you are no longer telling the audience what you want them to think. You are showing it to them and letting them come to the realization by themselves.
great job!
I'm in a creationist burning mood which is why I went searching for some ('scuse my language) "creationist bulls***". Instead the first thing I find is this which pleases me immensely. First off I am a Catholic so I understand your pain I think about being told one thing but realizing on your own who was really telling the lies. My Catholic high school was actually very liberal so we learned a bit about evolution but I am now a university student studying archaeology (specializing in human origin) so I have a much better understanding now.
Your little summary of Origin was pretty good. Nice and concise for people who would other wise not read it. Of course there were a million other things that could have been said but the amount you wrote was perfect. Creationists make me seethe because they always describe evolution as chance, but it is cumulative chance like you have stated. So thank you so much for writing this.
Over all the grammar, spelling, style and content was just fine. Well written!
Keep up the good work
Scribbler
ps. Did you know Darwin was actually pretty devoted to religion otherwise?
pps. You should read descent of man. Also good stuff.
I just had to go and read some of your poetry after that! This is actually very sweet. I imagine sitting on a porch swing drinking lemonade while reading this. It feels so clean and effortless but I think you spent some time cleaning this up, no? It is well thought out. I really like the title too.
Keep 'em coming
scribler
I'm certain that whom ever this is written about must be a very lucky person to have you care enough to write this. The nice thing about this was the flow. It was fluid and short and to the point perfectly. I do have a big problem with this piece unfortunatly, and it's not exactly something you can change. Just the fact that its written about a rose sort of bothers be. You clearly have some talent, why not focus it on a more creative idea. The rose is the epitomy of cliche and it has been done over and over again. The talent here stands out, but the idea does not. You have the line- "a truly unique beauty all it's own". For someone so unique why not choose a more INTERESTING flower? Of course this is only my opinion. In any case, keep writing.
your words are smooth,
scribbler
I really like the shape of this poem. it gives it a whole other dimention to it. and I love the imagery. some of it is so very dark! And I love all of the looking glass bits. I have a facination with mirrors.
-the doubt
of self doubt grows black; This bit seemed a bit awkward to me. I'm not sure if the repeat of doubt was intentional but it doesn't do anything for me.
most of the poem was good but some things seemed a bit rush. Slow down a bit.
apart of that this is a well thoughtout, well written poem!
Whew, ok first off the premise is good but reading this story felt like I was reading a textbook description or something of that nature. It was very under described and perhaps too "fast paced". You need to take more to time marinate on the details and put in some description thqat makes the reader feel like he or she is actually there. This story didn't feel real to me, not in the way it should considering the graphic nature and premise of the story. Imagine you are describing a movie maybe?
Another thing that really stood out to me was the tense in which you wrote it. I personally like works written in past tense instead of present. But that is purely preference.
Lastly I wish you would have concluded the story. The ending felt open to me. We never find you who killed the man, or really who Ashley and Jimmy are. We know absolutely nothing about them!
Now, I have given many things to work on but I wouldn't do this is if didn't like at least some aspect of the story! With a little help this could become a tense thriller! Your spelling and grammar is impeccable and I like how you chose not to show the swearing. Good job.
Anyways, good luck in the future with this story
-scrib
wow, that was so depressing. and yet I liked it because it is so true sometimes. we all experienced moments like that when we realized our childhood was over. i loved it!
[if you have time check out my short story "mirror mirror?"]
oh dear I dont know how to respond to this. I someways it was so amazing. so quiet and unassumeing love. but in others it was strange and somewhat frightening. I have no comments, it is perfect the way it is except for the first stanza. maybe revise that a tad. I dont seem to see the merites in using the work cake twice. keep it up
interesting and well thought out. I can tell there is an amazing and elaborate story here and one I'm sure will be captivating yet your writing is too plain. to take this to the next level try more interesting dialogue and description. oh and one more thing. my pet peeve is when the author simply tells you what thier main character looks like try working it into the dialogue somehow. it seems much more intriging that way. example instead of "she had brown hair and a small face" try "and she shoke her chocolate coloured hair out of her small delecate face"
[if you have time check out my story "mirror Mirror?" thanks]
now that was very strange. It was interesting for sure,and not something that it usually my cup of tea but I enjoyed it. and I think that it is always important to find great names for your character, in which case I love youts. Lurin and Zie...so perfect so fitting. I would love to read the next chapter!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/eothyne
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 4:25pm on Nov 04, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
