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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/erelen69
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26 Public Reviews Given
33 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Juan Luna Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Excellent style and solid understanding of your storyline. Your words take the reader smoothly through the plot, encompassing your audience like the creature you describe.

There is little advice to give you here...however, I would recommend a more dramatic conclusion...if I may.

Perhaps you might lead with a physical description of your protagonist, as she is obviously fit and accomplished. And, perhaps, though lean and muscular, she is challenged for her very life!

Remember also, that octapi and squid, are quite capable of exiting their watery domains, often crawling extensively onto dry land to acquire prey. Futhermore, such creatures have an extraordinary degree of intelligence, a manner of acting and reasoning which is still hardly known.

Great story!


Please read my animal tale..."Mighty Mantis." I would greatly appreciate your review.
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Review by Juan Luna Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Very accomplished writing style...fluid...deep...and lengthy.

I admire the sort of vaunted fantasy your style approaches, but I must tell you that I was not fully taken with the theme, the storyline.

True, this is the first chapter of a larger work, but at no time was I captured by the idea...a nobel blooded captain, off to his first campaign, as his sisters watch...fine...but where's the hook?

If the content moved as effectively as the style, this work would command a "5."

I will read your next chapter, Sir.

Please have a look at my recent fantasy effort, "The Keepers of Light." You may find that I am rather verbose and thick, myself, but I do cut to the chase!

Get back to me....

JAM
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Review of Red Sun  Open in new Window.
Review by Juan Luna Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Excellent description of the abhorred Vietnam environment. Powerful ethical and moral dilemmas presented here.

As a former soldier, myself, I would like to suggest a few minor changes. Firstly, in the field, soldiers, with hostiles abound, soldiers are rarely ordered to march. Once the mission statement is given, the order is simply, "Move out." Furthermore, as an objective is approached, hand/eye coordination becomes the rule or operations... Also, for every squad, there are team leaders, and no doubt they understand the cruetly of Sergeant Rebman, like it or not.

Since this seems like historical fiction, I must wonder at the murder of the soldier who refuses to kill the Vietnamese woman. Perhaps he receives scorn and a rifle-butt to the head, but shot in the back? Almost too much. Soldiers may be brutal, even cruel, but they most certainly rely upon other soldiers.

Nicely done.


JAM (Juan Luna)
Nice cliff hanger at the end...makes me want for more.
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Review of The Voice  Open in new Window.
Review by Juan Luna Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very nice indeed.

Excellent and continuous draw into a deeply frightening storyline (and no pun intended). The reader is forced to read on, even as the suspense...and fear gradually increase.

I would like to get a slightly more exact idea of how old, "Lucas," is. Obviously, he is somewhat younger than, "Sal."

I live in Missouri, and have had many adventures in cave exploration...I love your initial quote from Mark Twain.

Now, I must say...this thing is a little unfinished...but as you already know, great writers like to leave you hanging there...lost there...wanting more.

To authenticate the fact that the explorers have entered an ancient Indian burial ground, perhaps there a cave paintings or other artifacts?

Also, pertaining to Sal, as an experienced "Spelunker," he would certainly be equipped with more than just a simple helmet-flashlight. Now, renewable light sources and GPS govern the world of cave exploration, even for amateurs.

Thanks for your review of, "The Keepers of Light," and by the way, in my response, you may be aware of my poor spelling. (immersed vs emmersed)

Please have a look at my other story, "The Shadow Man," it may be up your alley.


Take care, and God Bless!

Juan Luna
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Review of Moonlit Night  Open in new Window.
Review by Juan Luna Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Ok...now we're talking.

This is polished work.

Your style, in diction, context, and development...is excellent. Please excuse my, review of your "morbid," segment. You'll find that in your mail somewhere.

Now...pertaining to theme and storyline.

I suggest that you enhance the initial story, of April and the protagonist, enjoying their camping adventure, pure, natural, a glimpse of love. Provide this first in detail...

The fact that their love has passed, and that the cabin is a haunting reminder of what can't be changed, leaves nothing but a foreboding sense of impending loss. In fact I was waiting for her to slip off the rock.

Perhaps the primary character returns to the cabin, the next year...and still seems to be living in the past...as if April was yet with him. Something like, "The cabin looked somewhat different this year, and I wondered if she would notice its emptiness." In other words, he is dillusional. Strangely, April is with her lover, but in the form of a wolf...right?

You have a strong command of the lychanthrope concept, and you couple it well with the curse of love.

A suggestion...when he finds the ring, he also finds a photo, taken the year prior, of two beautiful wolves, one white, one grey. Then, there is the ring. It completes his journey back to her, to their love...in equally elegant form.

Please read some of my stuff...like..."The Keepers of Light," or "Shadow Man!"

Nice work, Sir.
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Review of Prison of My Mind  Open in new Window.
Review by Juan Luna Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Very interesting...I've never actually reviewed lyrics, but I must say, that I am completely emmersed in music...perhaps the ultimate form of communication!

Remember, Sir, you don't have to have the rigid and fateful rhyme structure where the last word of one phrase, compliments the last word of the next. However, I often fall prey to a similar lyrical construction.

Be sure to seperate the melodic verse from the chorus, as that helps the reader understand the nature of the song.

Much more important, than any review you may receive here...sing the words out-loud, and preferrably with a compliment of musicians. Let the song create itself, and that doesn't necessarily include polite rhymes. Sing out!

I sing, and write music...for my own gratitude! I love it. But I have help. Thank God.

Write back to me...perhaps we could share some lyrical ideas.

Sincerely,
JAM
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Review of I Only Want You  Open in new Window.
Review by Juan Luna Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Well, Sir, we have convened before, and I must say, that if this represents your best attempt at a, "Screenplay," than your best is yet to come.

Firstly, it should be said, that I enjoy your writing style.

This effort, however, could use some enhancement.

Firstly, every screenplay has a preceding script, even if condensed...and I think that a story-board, in basic thematic prologue, should be posted before the body of this arrangment.

Write the story first...yes? Then write the damn screenplay...or let someone do that exhausting task for you. Whatever!

I find it difficult to enjoy the basic elements of your tale, when they are presented in this, "Hollywood," format.

And fine...Act 1, Scene 1, camera pan left to fine young girl removing her swimsuit...sort of thing, but where's the guts of this exposition. Is this an exercise for writer? Or, a script for a camera-man.

Make no mistake. The story is what counts. And furthermore, your good! So tell the tale first...and if you desire to task yourself with a screenplay...well, then the story had better be good!

Keep it up!

J. Moon
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Review of The Rose  Open in new Window.
Review by Juan Luna Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)

This is a respectable piece. The narration benefits from its detailed descriptions and developed style.

However, I would like to see some additional touches, conclusive themes which support the overall storyline. Sure, I can understand the analogy between the character and the rose...both clipped away in their vital prime, but what is the larger role of the Priest?

Often a "Father," or "Priest," will address a young man as, "My Son," or "My Child." Rarely, I think, would the word, "Boy," be used...but that is not a significant problem. Still, the relationship between the protagonist and the Priest needs to be enhanced. What happens to the Priest, after the accident? Isn't his fate bound to that of the speaker...the "Boy." Or perhaps the Priest is an agent of a cruel God, and sadly almost fatefully, he is the one to cut down the tender "Rose."

Please give this story a solid, perhaps ironic, ending...fitting of its powerful beginning.

Great work!
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Review of Ashborn  Open in new Window.
Review by Juan Luna Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Advanced command of depiction and dialogue! Powerful female protagonists are apparent, in what is obviously a detailed and plausible world!
I like this piece...surely...but I must say that it represents some sort of crossection of a much larger pie. In truth, though there is a taste of the storyline, I find it difficult to digest the real body of this work, at least as it is served. I'd like more, please?!
Nonetheless, you have an impressive form here, so we can only hunger for more substance.
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Review by Juan Luna Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Sensual and contemporary portrait of a female lycanthrope. I long for more.

However, I must insist, in defense of, "Brenda," that you give her physical, were-kind, abilities a little more depth. Obviously, she has the instinctive desire to protect, as a "mother," and even the "Master," would not find her an easy target.

Brenda is not entirely surprised by the arrival of her vampire, "Master!" She may be willing to die in protection of her family, but remember, she can do very little once slain!

Make the, Master, work to eliminate this primary character, as she is a formidable opponent.

Just some ideas.

P.S. Tana, if you have a chance, please look at my rather lengthy piece, "The Keepers of Light." Therein, the "Master," and his kind, meet dedicated and "Holy" Slayers. Perhaps you might like!
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Review by Juan Luna Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very well crafted, and certainly in the spirit of the "Master," Tolkien.

It is irrelevant that this particular scene is not exact to the original tomes...because you create a unique and eloquent vision that is equally valid.

Truly, this is a, "lament," and what a powerful dream to consecrate in words. Perhaps you will dream another dream for the rest of us!

Well done.
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Review by Juan Luna Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

A solid bit of fantasy here.

Your command of the black-enchantment theme, as per Martens (his staff, his eyes, his words), is complimented by the graphic termination of the primary characters. They die horribly, and such ends are fitting for the design of evil-magic. I like that.

I find it strange, that in such a savage and fantastic world, your main protagonists have names like "Dan" and "Tyler." The common, even droll nature of such, almost takes something away, at least for me, in what is otherwise a neat piece of fantasy. But whatever.

I would like to read more of your work, and I would greatly appreciate your review of my own. Please check out..."The Keepers of Light." You may find that we have similar treatments in reference to black-magic.

Keep writing, Roland of Gilead. I'll read.
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Review of Possession  Open in new Window.
Review by Juan Luna Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I'm forced to rate this refined and horrific tale as a 4.5, yet hoping that there is such a thing as a 5...because this an expert's tale of terror!
The storyline moves with exceptional tempo, although some transitions deserve the same detailed treatment as per the body of this tale.
A) Jack Stone's first appearance, as seen by the cop in the alley, could be transfered into the psych ward realm (and the experiences of Tony) if that first cop perhaps knew the character named Drummond (the hospital security guard). Just a thought, suggesting that the notion of "posession," moving causally from one person to the next. Those individuals initially touched are the most virile carriers, while Jack Stone is simply the disease.
B) Although certainly desirable, the final twist, as Tony is now the conduit of demonic infection, could use a little more meat. Remember the importance of this infectious conclusion.
Whatever...GREAT STORY! BEST "CORPUS DELECTI" I'VE ENCOUNTERED ON THIS SITE!
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Review by Juan Luna Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
The transition between the car "accident," and the primary character's awakening in some manner of desecrated church, may need some additional continuity. I realize that the protagonist experienced a car accident, and perhaps this leads to a frightening moment of unholy reckoning...anyways... Real fear, dread, etc...is often nutured in a looming, waiting, foreboding climb, which then comes to fruition in the moment of tragedy. Make the reader fear the figure without eyes first, his frozen visage, then take the ordinary character back to the moment in which he becomes this empty, tragic soul.
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