Your story has several things going for it. The desperate situation your main character finds himself in seems to provide an excellent backdrop for a very dramatic story. Your character also seems to have a very interesting viewpoint on things, and there seems to be some potential there, as well.
You need to spend some time depicting a truly desperate situation. You appear to be telling us this, but I don't "feel" the desperation of the main character. Perhaps spend a little more time depicting him defending the barracks and trying to survive. Describe his surroundings and use imagery to paint us a truly bleak picture. The man is alone, under constant attack, and starving in one of the worst war zones imaginable, there is plenty of room to set that scene.
Also, look over your sentences to see if they can be restructured or shortened to make your point clearer.
For example, I read your opening sentence as "...the mortar shells crashed and pilfered a rifle..." Obviously, this is not what you meant, but that little bit caused me to have to read the sentence again to make sure of what you meant. Try something like this:
Mortar shells crashed around me as I scurried through the trenches to snatch a rifle from a nearby corpse.
It says the same thing, but much more clearly and directly. Take this same approach throughout. Also work on your imagery to depict a scene of true desperation.
You've got a good start, here. Your military terminology and dialogue seems authentic.
How long is this story intended to be? I ask because the backstory of SGT Vasquez seems shoe-horned into this section. If you are planning a longer story, don't be afraid to take your time to let the story unfold naturally. Perhaps you could show how Vasquez is acting out an unfulfilled revenge with each pull of the trigger, make the reader sense that there's something just a bit off about him, then fill us in on some of the details later.
Also, in a longer story, take the time to set the scene a little more. What does it smell like? What are the sounds? Is there a distant thud of artillery? Are there animals? Take the opportunity to paint a full sensory picture, and it will make the reader feel like he's really there. Perhaps instead of just telling us it's not a glamorous job, show us their discomfort, the pain and stiffness in their arms and legs, having not moved for hours, things like that.
A few technical critiques for you to consider:
-You appear to be the victim of an over-zealous auto-correct function and used "dissemination" instead of "destination"
-A pair of men moving stealthily over 2.5 miles of rugged terrain might take much longer than an hour.
-A sniper in this function might be using a .50 cal or .338Lapua rifle rather than an M-14 as his primary weapon, though he might have an M-14 as his secondary.
Don't take this review as being negative, you seem to have a good start, but just a little polish could make it really good.
You paint a very vivid picture. I can see everything you are describing in your scene. You have a very creative way of describing things such as "Sun is playing a game of charades..." very real and tangible. When it got to the lightning the narrative seemed to lose a little energy, and I didn't quite get a sense of peril from the lightning like the sense of wonder and beauty I got from the earlier descriptions. I know you mentioned you had to make some cuts to fit with the contest, was it in that last part, because the ending felt rushed (I frequently do the same thing to get in under the word count, LOL).
Overall, very vivid and colorful writing. Keep up the good work!
A couple technical critiques:
...removed from his passenger seat with care...
...proves to be slightly nerve wracking...
...sure to be too tired to argue...
...she was all too comfortable...
This story was a pleasure to read. Matt's fundamental question is one we all ask ourselves at times: "Am I just a bit player in other people's adventures, or will I be the star of my own story?" The ending is as frustrating as real life. Matt seems so close to realizing that it lies within himself to reach out and create his own story, rather than sitting around praying to be made into something. I've read many novels and stories, and written a few stories myself, that had some side character that practically leapt off the page, demanding his or her own story. This seems to be the struggle your main character has. It is also interesting that through the whole story, he is in a kind of cage, the ticket booth, a captive of his own slavery to the greater narrative. He has only to leave his cage and forge his own adventure, but is unwilling to leave the comfort and security of his "place" in the world as a mere stock character.
A very enjoyable story overall. I'd love to read more.
You painted a very vivid picture with this story. I could see everything that was happening with perfect clarity. Your descriptions of the scenery were very well done. I saw very clearly the image of a young man, a little too old for the playset he sat on. You had my full attention as I read through to see what was happening.
I was a little thrown off by the end, however. My initial perception was that the boy sitting outside was the ghost of the boy the ambulance carried away. This seemed to be confirmed by the way the paramedics ignored him completely, but when the officer talked to him at the end, it seemed to contradict this conclusion. Was my understanding wrong? Very well-written story over all. Your scenic descriptions are excellent.
I noticed a few grammatical errors here and there. My understanding is that you are not a native English speaker, so this is understandable, just be mindful of the way your sentences flow. I misplaced period or comma can interrupt a phrase in such a way as to cause it to lose some effectiveness or meaning. My suggestion is to read back over your writing aloud, in order to hear the flow of your phrasing, and understand the effect that punctuation can have on what meaning you are trying to impart.
"young youth" is redundant. You could use just "youth" or "young man" instead.
Also, I think you forgot to close the long quoted section where the boy is talking internally.
Very good story.
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