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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/eternaldreamer
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49 Public Reviews Given
66 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
Review of A Silver Arrow  Open in new Window.
Review by dreamOn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a cool poem. When I read the description, I expected death and tragedy. But, even though the poem is about death, it has a light tone to it, which makes it very unique! This silver arrow must be magical!
Oh, may I ask why "Air" is in caps?
Thanks for writing this *Smile*.
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Review by dreamOn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello *Smile*. Here goes, with my review of "The Person and the Fly":

"Within the darkness of a city in slumber, one individual had only recently entered the warm embrace of his bed."
Hey, nice way to start the story *Wink*. What an artistic style of writing; love it *Smile*.

"A lone fly vigorously called out to the Person, violently ripping him from a sleepy paradise towards a faint and blurry drowsiness."
People always say to avoid using too much adjectives/adverbs. So let's try and do that *Smile*. This isn't a big problem though.

"He turned to his side, covering his head with a thick blanket. "
Ohh I know how this guy feels *Bigsmile*!

"remaining motionless in his bed."
Instead of 'remaining", I just think that "laying" would be a neat alternative. Anyway, back to reading *Pthb*...

"The Person, frustrated at this unexpected disruption, attempted to return to the depths of sleep"
Hmm, perhaps there is too much description? Like, "unexpected disruption", and "depths of sleep", I feel like those can be left out. This isn't a major concern, though *Smile*. Just a peronal

opinion.
"The Person smiled at the blissful sleep awaiting him."
Oh, don't let your guard down, buddy *Pthb*!

"
Bzzz. Bzzz.

This was the final straw. "
Haha this is sooo funny *Bigsmile*!!

"retrieved a spray can that would assure the Fly’s doom"
Yeah, definitely, "that would assure the Fly's doom" can be omitted. Describe what's happening using as little words as possible *Wink*.

"The final calls of victory from the Fly. She had won the battle."
The first sentence already says that the fly has won, so the second sentence should be erased.

Hehe, a nice way to end the story *Smile*! Keep writing.
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Review of Crimson Waters  Open in new Window.
Review by dreamOn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello *Smile*. Here I go, with a review for "Crimson Waters":

"Jordan said happily to her closest friend Carly."
This isn't essential, but it'd be neat to have a comma before "Carly" *Smile*. It's up to you though.

‘Hey look, I gotta run...My beloved mother will be home soon...I’ll see you in the morning.’
People say it's best to avoid '..." in dialogues. But in this case, using them seems appropriate. Better get more people's opinions on this one *Smile*.

"the strange old woman who wore really freaky clothes."
I think readers would appreciate more detail here? Like, what do you mean by "freaky clothes"? Please elaborate, so I can visualize *Wink*.

"placing the earphones in her ears."
"into" her ears.

"pulling the girl to her feet by her thick black hair."
It's nice how you're describing how the character looks by showing, not telling. Good work.

"A small sun shower wont"
"won't". That's ok, understandable mistake *Smile*.

‘I’m sorry sweetheart, but it’s the law. You must go to your mother.
Oh, don't forget to end a dialogue with a quotation mark *Wink*!

A good way to end the chapter. Makes people want to read on, to find out what happens to Jordan.

Well done. Write on *Smile*.
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Review of Blue Dragonflies  Open in new Window.
Review by dreamOn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
different, deeper message..."
What a neat way to start the story. The opening sentence of a piece must be interested. Clearly, you are aware of that *Wink*.
"Roses would adorn the wooden pews and a white lane would lie delicately beneath her feet."

Fine imagery. I can really visualize the scene. If you insist on me picking on something (*Pthb*), I'm going to say that you can remove "delicately" if you choose to. I don't see a problem with it

being there myself, but there're people who goes 'you should avoid using adjectives/adverbs', etc etc. Hehe, not even a big issue *Wink*!

"In two weeks, she would no longer be Ms.Vikki Strakowski, but instead, become the beautiful Mrs. Vikki Wilson. In two weeks, she would be married."
Hm I just think that "In two weeks, she would be married." should be in a paragraph of its own. I just feel like that'd make it stand out. Just a personal opinion though, I just thought it'd be cool

*Pthb*.
"Yet reservations ciezed her every once in a while"

How realistic. Apparently that's what people do when they're about to marry. Not that I'd know, I'm only nineteen *Blush*! Anyway, well done here.

"answer to all of this nonesense."
"nonsense" *Wink*.

"Ben wasn't coming back, and she knew this."
I think the sentence will flow smoother if you wrote "she knew Ben wasn't coming back" instead? Once again, this isn't even an error.

"Still...his body was never found and he hasn't yet been declared dead to her."
People say that "..." should be avoided. I feel like it's quite appropriate in this case though. The decision is yours *Smile*.

"Ben was whisked off to war"
Oh the tragedy *Cry*.

"Vikki dropped the reciever and collapsed upon the floor."
*Frown**Frown**Frown*!

"I have a surprise for you, come on"
Should this be divded into two sentences? I'm not too sure myself *Blush*.

""Where are we going?" A blind folded Vikki asked as Brandon ushered her into the car."
I think it should be 'going?" a blind". Like, the 'a' shouldn't be capitalized? Please clarify this for me. Oh gesh, and I'm meant to be reviewing this... *Blush*

"Vikki's blind fold was beginning to irritate her face a little bit."
People say "was" is passive, and that we should avoid it. So howabout this:
"Vikki's blind fold began to irrate her."
*Wink*?

"on his parents farm in Ohio."
"his parents' farm". No biggie. Understandable.

"who was busy trying to look confident on a horse he had no idea on how to ride."
Hehe, show off *Pthb*. Ehem, back to reading *Blush*.

"Yet he spoke too soon."
I think "yet" can be omitted here? Up to you.

"She had taken the left, but mistakenly, brandon chose the right."
Heheh, that is kind of comical *Pthb*!

"She had taken the left, but mistakenly, brandon chose the right.
Vikki regained consiousness and found herself lying beside a quiet waterfall"
Hm, I think there'd need to be a change of scene here, which, as I bet you already know, can be indicated with a "* * *" *Wink*.

"it few away."
"flew" *Smile*.

"Vikki was mesmorized by it"
Some strict readers will complain about this being "telling" and not "showing". To avoid this issue, we can go:
"Vikki's eyes glittered..."
Or whatever. Anything to prevent the piece from becoming passive *Wink*.

""I am always with you; look to the blue dragonflies."
How cool!! Super artistic dialogue! I love it *Bigsmile*!

What a neat ending! This is such a wonderful story *Smile*! It's just very soothing to read. I loved it.
You are so experienced! Are you by any chance a published writer *Smile*??
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Review of A Talisman  Open in new Window.
Review by dreamOn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello *Wink*. Here's my review for "A Talisman" *Smile*:

First, let me read through the piece, and throw some suggestions at ya *Wink*...

"Malchaia looked at the talisman curiously, although his friend Astinus had given it to him, he hadn’t said how it worked."
Hm, I think after "curioiusly", a period should be used instead of a comma? Keep the sentences short and cris, that's the way to go *Wink*!

"a trained magic user didn’t understand what the markings meant."
a comma should be placed after "user". Personal opinion *Pthb*!

"his mind started racing."
"As fear began gripping him"
We can shorten the above two sentences *Wink*.
"his mind raced."
"as fear gripped him."
Remove all unneeded words. I just like doing that *Pthb*!

"he suddenly realized the talisman had become hot."
Hmmm, some strict readers might not like this, as it is telling and not showing. To make it show instead of tell, we could do something like this:
"he fumbled the talisman, as it heated without warning."
That kind of thing *Wink*. We just have to try and avoid the passive words (e.g. had, was...) *Wink*!

"He suddenly wanted to throw the thing as far away from himself as he could but he remained paralyzed staring into the depths that had been a gemstone."
Perhaps this sentence is too long? We could change it into something like this:
"He suddenly wanted to throw the thing as far away as possible, but he remained paralyzed, staring into the gemstone."

"he saw that the swirling colors had formed into a clear outline of Astinus and some vague figures moving behind him."
Let's keep spliting those sentences eh *Wink*?
"clear outline of Astinus. Some vague figures moved behind him."
Cool huh? Heheh *Blush*.

"different from regular magic, it was just used through different means."
Replace that comma with a period would be awesome *Bigsmile*.

Doing well, doing well! Write on *Bigsmile*!
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Review of Broken People  Open in new Window.
Review by dreamOn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hmmm, it's been so long since I last read this story, so I'm just going to start all over *Blush*.

"His breath is harsh it’s reminiscent of coughing blood."
I think there should be a period after "harsh"? Split the sentences; that's the way to go *Wink*.

"A group of uniform Nazi soldiers."
"uniformed"?

"They’ve been chasing him like wolves."
This is awesome, but it may be even better if you used "hungry wolves". Heheh, just a suggestion *Smile*.

"Bricks and mortar, crushed and tore his skin."
I think the comma can be omitted here.

"Dust and dirt made muttered hair all the more tangled."
Nice description *Smile*!

"the young Nazi wasn’t more than 17 years old."
Write 'seventeen" instead of '17' *Wink*.

"Jarred’s eyes averted for an instant"
What happened to the period at the end of this sentence? *Pthb*

"“The skyscraper” me mouthed.
There needs to be a comma before the closing quotation marks. Oh, and don't you mean 'he', not 'me' *Pthb*?

"a he saw the derelict building"
"as" *Wink*

" the soldiers position."
"solder's"

“Move, move damnit!” the thought.
"he" not "the".

"“What to do…?” He wondered.
I think the 'He' shouldn't be capitalised.

"The sound of silence, is all he heard."
No need for the comma.

"Jarred helped his battered friend to get up."
No need for the "to".

"There is never any light, always-eternal dark."
I think this sounds better:
"There is never any light, only eternal darkness."

" I recon we should leave"
'reckon'.

" Egta tried pitifully save him."
"Egta tried pitifully to save him."

"More than two and a half centuries have passed since Hitler won the war."
Nice work. One sentence to explain the history of the story *Smile*

" it was already mourning."
"morning" *Wink*.

"to were the garage would be"
"to where"

"Drips of sweat poured from he’s face."
"his" not "he's".

"She had no idea why she had let him go."
This is good! It creates a sense of mystery.

"He entered into the main building."
"into" is unneeded here.

" The seconds fell like they were dripping out of a tap."
Oh God, that's the best similie I've ever seen! Good work *Smile*!

"“Hush! There attacking!!!”"
"They're" not "There".

" the troops has already been let out."
I think you mean "have" *Smile*.

An exciting first chapter! Keep it up *Wink*!
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Review by dreamOn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there. Here're my comments for "The Mousetrap Story":

"The time is speeding along faster then I am"
"than" not "then". Glad to see that I'm not the only one making that mistake *Smile*.

"that I drink to much coffee."
"too" not "to". No big deal *Wink*.

"I need to find a restroom, but there is no time."
You might regret this later, heheh *Bigsmile*.

"No buzzer goes of for me."
"off" instead of "of". Hahah 'of "of"'! That's funny *Bigsmile*!... as you can see, I'm not very normal *Smile*.

"I laugh harder, till tears are streaming down my face."
Wow, easily amused huh? *Bigsmile*

Hehe... a fun little story *Smile*! Watch out sister, the author is gonna get his revenge *Wink*. Thanks for writing this amusing story.
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Review by dreamOn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What a review on the plot of your story? Well, here we go:

"and Angela fighting for her life."
This is the line that made me interested in the story. You've raised the stakes so suddenly; well done.

"I have put in hours of research, use my personal experience, and spoken with cancer surviours to make this as believable as possible."
Then I'm sure this is going to be an awesome story! Okay, on to chapter 1...

I like your little prologue! It's so original *Wink*.

"It wasn’t even because she wore a white surgical mask for some reason."
Wow that is special! This draws me further into the story, because I know there's something wrong with this girl. Good work.

"Even though I was just a kid, I could understand she was very sad inside.
I wanted to be her friend right away."
This caused me to like Marissa as a character, because she seems to be very nice *Smile*. When your characters are liked, the readers will enjoy the story more. So good work *Wink*.

"I scowled at her when she wasn’t looking.
Stupid fat cow. I thought to myself."
Wow, sounds like a rough relationship *Smile*. It was smart of you to add these bits in; it's slightly humourous and makes the character realistic.

"I wanted to stop them.
Really I did.
But I wasn’t strong enough yet to betray my own group."
With this, the tensions are raised. As a reader, this scene made me very pumped up (which is a good thing)! I was like "come on Marissa, do something"!

"I was weak."
You were *Pthb*. But I might not have dared to stop them either, if I was in her situation...

" "Wait!"
I shouted, standing up at my now empty table."
Yeah you go girl! Finally. *Bigsmile*

"Her eyes were filled with tears. It made me angrier and therefore stronger."
You've shown the emotions of the characters well. It made me sympathise for Angela *Frown*.

" I had done nothing to help her. She probably hated me more than Erin and Nicole.
I hated this.
I’d wanted to be her friend in the first place.
I hadn’t wanted this. It made me want to cry too."
Hey, don't you think it'll be even more interesting if Angela knew and did not trust Marissa, then Marissa has to stand up for her later to prove that she wasn't like the rest of them? I think it'll force the readers to go on, because they want to see how Marissa will prove that she's different... I don't know, just a thought!

"Erin and Nicole probably would make fun of me if they saw me like this."
Ahhh, who cares about those slack girls *Smile*!!

"Ethereal.
A girl almost not of this world."
That was a great way to end the scene!

"even could sense what people were feeling by the colour of the aura around their heads."
Ok, that's just awesome *Bigsmile*.

"She was secretive, but also very kind."
She sure is, which is good, because readers will read on, waiting for Angela's secret to be revealed.

"It was so strange to me that I almost pulled away."
Don't pull away girl *Smile*. Wow we're reaching the climax here - something's really wrong with Angela; let's find out what so we can help, or at least, watch Marissa help *Wink*.

" I had only just turned twelve, and was still small and skinny. But she was starting to grow up, and the boys were noticing her."
Hmmm... maybe you can make Marissa become a little bit jealous later in the story? It may be natural to feel a little envious. This could make the story more intruiging *Wink*. Personal opinion! Marissa seems to be an understanding person though, so jealousy might be out of her character?

"My mother had won custody over me, and I couldn’t stand the thought of living alone with that cold, uncaring woman."
You're introducing the problems to this story very well! May God be with you Marissa *Smile*.

"never leaving my side, even when the bell rung."
Now here's a true friend *Wink*.

" But all that was about to change."
Oh man, is Angela going to be sick again? *Frown*

You're doing well so far! The main characters - Marissa and Angela - are so lovable. It's important for readers to become attached to the characters, and you've achieved this from chapter one - impressive!
You've introduced the potential problems in the plot to draw readers into the story - Marissa's Mum, Angela's sickness, The Very Bad Girls... this makes me want to read on.
I would go through the gramma issues with you, but you wanted me to focus on the story yeah? Well I say, your story is going extremely well *Wink*.
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Review of Lonely Crossroads  Open in new Window.
Review by dreamOn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Crossroads are confronted by all of us; making this poem relevant to every reader.

"where the next turn will take me?"
The use of first person makes readers ponder at the answer to this question as well. Good work.

"All the heart-ache and all the happiness,
the glory and the agony."
You sure know how to use juxtapositioning! This shows that you've taken some good turns, but also some bad ones. Just like the rest of us.

"but they have shaped my life,
to make me who I am today."
Thanks for reminding me that the crossroads shape the traveller.

"In each corner they'll be challenges,"
Do you mean; "there'll be challenges"?

"over each bump in the road I will grow"
Nice imagery illustrating the fact that you grow stronger by confronting challenges.

"until all my lessons are learned."
Is this actually possible? I always thought that one will can always learn more.

"and face the most famous crossroads of all."
A unique ending. I loved it.

Thanks for writing this poem.
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Review by dreamOn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a great poem!! I love it from the first stanza... "pull me from the dirt / for I am not yet dead"... that's wonderful use of imagery! You are rather creative *Wink*.

"My numbered breath"
Howabout "My final breath"? Just a thought *Smile*.

"Let your mouth
Breathe life gently"
The use of second person makes it seem as though you want the readers to give you life. I think this is intended, so yeah, well done *Wink*.

"I am ready to live"
I love it how you concluded this poem with an optimistic line. Well done.

Although this piece is metaphorical, perhaps you can hint in the poem that the author has just experienced a divorce? You may have done this already, and I'm just too dumb to figure it out *Pthb*.

I haven't read such a creative poem in quite a while; great work!
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Review of My Computer  Open in new Window.
Review by dreamOn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I've decided to read this because I can relate to it; sometimes I loathe my computer!! The use of first person made this poem even more personal *Wink*. Using second person for the computer was also wise, as it allows readers to feel your anger *Smile*.

"How I wish I / Could get the garden hose"
Welcome to the club. I feel the same way.

"stuck a knife / In my turned back / Like my ex-wife."
I've haven't read similie so good for quite a while *Smile*. Did you just come up with that as you wrote? If so, that's amazing!

"Hurry please / Because it's due!"
(nods) Yep, I know what you've on about *Wink*.

"Have you seen my shoe?"
How would the computer know about something like that? *Pthb* Or does this line show that you both love and hate your computer? *Smile*

"A Note From My Hunk of Junk"
This is smart! It allows us to hear the story from another perspective. Since I often abuse my computer, those rhetorical questions made me guilty *Frown*. Ivy, please treat your computer with respect! That is, until the next time it crashes! *Smile*
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Review of A Simple Prayer  Open in new Window.
Review by dreamOn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
When this prayer is answered, you'll do just fine in life *Smile*.

"Contentment with my finances"
This is a issue almost everybody worries about. Since you've put this line near the start, does that mean you think this is the most important? Or, are you saving the most important prayers for last? Because in my opinion, prayers such as "Faith in the face of hardships" are more important *Wink*. Well, anyways *Smile*.

"Kindness toward those around me"
"Means needed to help my neighbor"
I like these prayers, because it shows that you are unselfish *Wink*. I'm sure God will like these too *Smile*.

"Compassion to my fellow man"
Is that supposed to be "men"? Urm, probably not *Pthb*.

"Forgiveness in spite of my wrongdoings"
This is great. You know you are definitely going to make mistakes, and prepares for them prematurely. I think we should all do this when we pray, because we all conduct errors.

"but you love me the same despite my inadequacies."
Look out, I think the you is meant to have a capital Y. This is the only time you've forgotten though, so well done nonetheless *Smile*.

This is a simple prayer that asks for help with problems in this complicated world. Read it everybody, it relates to us all.




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Review by dreamOn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
A neat poem that provides an enjoyable read *Smile*.
I like the contrast between the opening and the ending:

"And barely can I see."
"Hint at what I will see."

It's a change of danger to hope, this is great.

"The mist before my eyes is thick"

Good use of imagery that allows readers to visualize the scene.

"Behind me lags a trail thin"
This line caught my interest, is the "trail" symbolizing the experiences that one will gain throughout life?

A short but wonderful poem.
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