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32 Public Reviews Given
40 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by EVOLVIST Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I’m really chuffed to have found this piece. Being a Macca fan (and a McCulloch fan, as well), this was fantastic period piece that not many people would have thought to write. It’s also pretty neat, being as if Jimmy was writing this down as he went along, that the writer can leave the piece raw, unpolished, in order to give it that authentic voice.

There are a few quirks, however. Some of them important and some of them not so.

“Denny Laine also played on the album...he’s an awesome guitarist as well.” < ----The last part seems as if it is the writer interjecting his own feelings into this piece, which, in turn, seems to take away from the aforementioned authenticity. I mean, why would Jimmy say that Denny was an awesome guitarist AS WELL? It would seem somewhat egotistical of Jimmy, at this point in his early career, to compare himself to Denny by using the term “as well,” or “also.” As in, “Yeah, I’m good, and so is Denny.” Does this make sense?

Hott??? With double T s? Am I missing something here?

“As an older guy, Paul does try and warn me about the dangers of drugs and he always asks me, “What’s going to happen when you’re 30? You’ve got your whole life ahead of you.” I understand that he’s looking out for me and I appreciate that.” < ----- Well, this sounds nice and all, but during this whole time Paul was smoking pot as if it were going out of style, and also a spot of Charlie (coke). I know Jimmy might have been into it a wee more; yet Paul was always getting pissed.

By the way…How could you not put in the part about Jimmy’s solo for “My Love?” I mean, this was certainly a brilliant part in Jimmy’s life since he played the whole solo one time through, and it is probably one of his most memorable (if not THE most memorable) solos of his career…and all of it completely off the cuff—pure improvisational!

“I did my daily ritual of pot, alcohol and to smoke a few marijuana joints.” < ---Okay, here mate: anyone who smokes gear does not call them “marijuana joints.” It’s just “smoke a joint”. Period. Everyone knows what’s in it. I mean, it’s just not said.

Alright. I really liked this piece, and I especially like the way you closed the “story” on the fateful day. But, I tell you what—and this is important—Jimmy McCulloch was born and educated Scottish; and throughout the story, he uses American English spelling. This is just not correct as a historical piece. Furthermore, take into consideration that Jimmy probably would have used quite a bit of British slang. I mean, being from right down the road from Glasgow, I know how we talked (and still do) growing up; and I’m sure Jimmy was no different. One just needs to be careful about stuff like that, because it can add colour…or really take away from it, if it is not accurate.

Anyway, like I said, I like the treatment; and I think this was/is a fab idea. Nice one.
Cheers,
Nick
2
2
Review by EVOLVIST Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
arrrgghh...this is so screwed up because I spent the last hour reading and reviewing, editing and suggesting things in your story, and then the bloody page times out and I lost it all! All 5,000 characters and some healthy gift points!

Look, it was a brillinat story, with lots to say, very cleverly worded, yet with a few things that I genuinely wanted you to take a second look at. I simply do not have the heart (or the time) to write all of that again; but a few things I remember:

In the dialogue between Tamara and Bimbo the word "understand" is used four times in consecutive sentences when they are trying to convey something to one another. It starts to sound a tad contrived when you put this in quotes as if they had actually said it, when people would not really speak like that. The rest of the dialogue was spot on...really honest and authentic.

I think there was one typo that was written "form" when it should have been "from."

Oh, sod it, I am a bit pissed off right now; even though I liked your story a great deal. Pissed off because you will never really know why I gave you 4.0 instead of a 4.5 or a 5.0. I suppose it was never meant to be. Needless to say, this story could very well be perfect with just a wee more care.

In fact, if you really do care, contact me, and we can talk about your story. Otherwise, if you think I'm daft, then just forget about it. *Smile*
cheers,
Nick
3
3
Review of Half  Open in new Window.
Review by EVOLVIST Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Well, really, this piece is trying to say something...trying to reach out; but like a flag at half-mast, there is very little wind to make it flip-flap around. I comprehend this story...but only to a point. Obviously you have some real talent (considering the really nice sentence structure and grammer); yet some ingredient that makes you feel the characters is missing.

I mean, for example, it is one thing to be artistic, but quite another to shrug off every bit of utilitarianism for the sake of making a point. And the point she is striving to make? I don't know. Ask her children what they think when their mother disregards their well being because she is simply too bloody nutter to let this bloke go. Is this what you are wanting to capture. Because, if you are trying to paint a bleeding heart out of this woman...some kind of noble fool, I am simply not buying it.

Now, please, do not think I am slamming your work. The concept is brilliant, your talent is quite evident...yet, the question remains: how do you flesh out something like this without making the woman seem like a complete wack job? Is it all metaphor? How much is reality?

I say all this in order to raise some questions in your brain. Of course, you are the writer, and not me...So, everything I say here might be complete rubbish. Or, perhaps it is merely HALF rubbish, and the rest you have known all along. This is a difficult concept to hash out.
cheers,
Nick
4
4
Review by EVOLVIST Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well, you have made a friend with me! (For what that's worth.) And I tell you this much, I would never have met you if I did not think you work was mustard.

I guess a bit about how I review. And I'm not even sure if this is a good or bad way...It is just my way. I rarely give anything a rating of 1.0 - 2.5 because if it is that bad, I just quit reading. In other words, a 3.0 or 3.5 is salvageable and has something that keeps me interested, despite flubs and such. If you climb up the ladder to 4.0 - 5.0 then I really felt it.

I mean, you are correct. There is at least a thousand members here; and countless other writers around the world. So, how does one get noticed here, or anywhere else, for that matter. Beats the hell out of me!

Nevertheless, I loved your little rant here; because it echoed some of my own thoughts and feelings.

I guess my mindset in reading something on here is to approach it as if I had purchased it off the shelf. If you look at it that way, and have been a reader for most your life, you can see the pros, cons, likes and dislikes of a peace, because you spend your "money" to buy the bloody thing!

Blah, blah, blah...I'm off and hungry!
Cheers,
Nick
5
5
Review by EVOLVIST Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hmmmmm? I suppose this is okay, but I really do not get it. The second to last paragraph, if it is fact a summation, and/or, an extrapolation does not really give off an air of completion. In fact, all the prose before said paragraph, and the last paragraph are as nice as rice; but just that one bit, I am not sure it is needed.

On the other hand, what the hell do I know? Probably not much.

Anyway, there was a lot of good things to be said here. Quite a lot, actually.

Nevertheless, the last time I checked, and according to my best estimation, the coordinates of Hell are as follows:

Latitude: 29 58N
Longitude: 095 21W

Cheers,
Nick
6
6
Review of The Shower  Open in new Window.
Review by EVOLVIST Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
"When you catch an adjective, kill it."
Mark Twain, 1880


What a brilliant work of fiction, yet the use of adjectives here are so profuse that I could scarcely see the wheat through the chaff.

It would do neither of us any good for me to list them all, but reflect upon this for a moment: Why does the reader have to know that the beads of sweat were "unwanted?" Furthermore, we all know that sweat is "salty," so there is no need add it in front of the word "moisture."

"Soft, furry slippers." & "Soft, thickly padded mattress?" I think you get the point.

The only other thing I could say is that the first paragraph needs some serious editing, for wordiness, and odd structure.

"Are you nut's? My mother couldn't have used the phone. She's been in a coma for the last three months. The doctor said she would never regain consciousness. The brain tumor was too far advanced, there was nothing that they could do for her." Sammy cried." <--- Here, it seems strange that she would use those terms, THAT explanation, in an angry and confused state. The writer wants to explain to the reader what happened to the mother, but using that explanation as dialogue, in a heated moment, only sounds stilted. In other words, what if it read:

"Are you nut's? My mother couldn't have used the phone. She's been in a coma for the last three months!" Sammy cried. The doctor said that Sammy's mother would never regain consciousness. The brain tumor was too far advanced, there was nothing that they could do for her. Sammy knew the facts all too well; and they hurt like hell.


But, Oh God, it really sounds like I just shat all over your story. And in some ways I did, because of the adjective abuse...Yet, on the other hand, let me honestly say that I really, really, really, enjoyed the story's premise. In fact, it really charged great emotions in me!

The dialogue (with the exception of the aforementioned area) was very real and flowing. For the most part, the sentence structures were tight, crisp, and had a pleasing flow. I really was not expecting the cool twist near the end; and I, for one, really enjoy a twist and a well-rounded ending. Bravo!

Edit this one, because you have a real gem here.
cheers,
Nick

"...No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them--then the rest will be valuable. They weaken when they are close together. They give strength when they are wide apart. An adjective habit, or a wordy, diffuse, flowery habit, once fastened upon a person, is as hard to get rid of as any other vice."
7
7
Review of Second Chance  Open in new Window.
Review by EVOLVIST Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
A simple narrative. A beautiful, honest, simple narrative that does not need a proper ending, or a moral. Instead, it stands alone as a symbol of truth.

The punctuation and sentence structures were tight, and the paragraphs flowed very well.

Yes, I really liked the story. Semi-autobiographical in nature, there is nothing wrong with living, learning, and finding some measure of peace within and without you.
Cheers,
Nick
8
8
Review by EVOLVIST Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Bragging, braggart <--- Watch for using the same word and/or a variant so close together. How about: "...getting harder for me to hold up to all this haughtiness."

"My husband is the king of the Jungle." He mimicked under his breath, in her singsong-y voice. "He can tear you limb from limb." <--- the way you had it arranged, it takes a wee too long to get to who is saying this. Just a small suggestion (not that I know much, however)

"...Ft. Worth Zoo in '74."

"He stretched and thought of the little Spanish mouse darting around yapping in Spanish, and chuckled. new paragraph He'd actually met..."

"Tigers had taken its toll. new paragraph He looked..."

"“His whiskers!" The elephants trumpeted his disgrace to everyone in three miles who hadn’t been there. “Who knew if you clipped a cat’s whiskers they became dizzy and disoriented and couldn’t even stand”?"

"Who knew if you clipped a cat’s whiskers they became dizzy and disoriented and couldn’t even stand”? new Paragraph Bits and pieces of his humiliation filtered to his brain. new paragraph In less than thirty..."

"All was lost! She kicked him out!" <---does this make more sense, perhaps?

Who is Barney?

"...were passing through here and he could travel with them on a quest for anything he might need." <---I do not quite follow you here, escpecially in light of the next sentence. It seems that there should be something joining the two sentences together or something.

"A pop sounded behind him and he could feel the urine trickle as he flinched, waiting for a deathblow."<----SUPERB!!!

How this story got only 4 stars I will never know! In other words, not only did I really enjoy it (it was extremely creative), but it is now the only CL pre-quel that I can ever imagine taking place. WOW! Aside from some minor problems in grammer, this story is just about perfect. It could be perfect with just a little work...very little. In fact, get it published, please. I am speechless.
cheers,
Nick
9
9
Review of Letting Dad Go  Open in new Window.
Review by EVOLVIST Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
"My mind was racing. Why was my mother standing in the driveway if my dad was in the ambulance? <---I believe this needs to be two seperate sentences.

"Although I knew the outcome in advance, nevertheless,I prayed for the duration of the 30 minute drive to the hospital. Part of me had known for the past three or four months what my inner child refused to face or believe." <---I re-arranged the first part of this, because it would seem that the emphasis should be on the knowing in advance, yet a strong sense of faith compelled the narrator (you?) to hold strong to something. Then in the next sentence (which is well written, by the way) you drive it home even further. In other words, for what it is worth, I believe this makes it flow a bit better as the start of a new paragraph, as well as a making your point stronger.

"hugging everyone and sitting down with Austin on my lap, I was glad I decided to let him come along, I was glad I decided to let him come along; I needed him for support." <---the reason I used a semi-colon here is to prevent two back to back sentences from starting with "I." It is just that I hate it when I fall into that trap and I have to go back and correct myself. Perhaps, it is nit picky, but I apply this to myself, as well.

"...even a sliver would have been something to hold on to, but there was none."

"When I saw my dad I knew he was gone. It was an odd sensation, his bloodshot eye’s were only half open and the pupils were fixed and dilated—making me feel that any hope I might have managed up until this moment was futile."

"I don’t remember what I did, if I touched him or spoke to him; the only thing I vividly remember, was the doctor walking in and handing the nurse a form for the cat-scan, and her heartless response: “You’re going to do a cat scan on him?” I can't say if she was aware or not that we were standing in the room. I felt my heart begin to hammer at my chest as I shouted out to her, “he is still a human being!" Outraged, I stormed out of the room." <---This stuff carries a lot of emotion in it. I likes it a lot. I did, however, cut a word or two, added some different punctuation, and the exclamation where there was onbviously anger.

"My head was reeling, and a sense of being out of body began to take over. I felt as though I was seeing what was happening, but that I wasn’t really there, like watching a movie,you see what is going on..." <---Nice decription of some head emotions following some heart emotions. Again (and not assuming that I am a very good editor), I took out the word(s) "sort of" from both sentences, because I felt it was too ambiguous. You do such a fine job that I thought the reader should know these emotions were set in stone, and not just "sort of" anything.

"The next few days were sort of a blur. Saturday morning..."

"People were trying to be so optimistic, everyone but me—I saw his soulless eyes."

"Odd thought I admit but we are not always the most rational in times of grief." <--- Don't apologize for this! It makes the stronger sentences that preceed it ineffectual

"I stuck close by mom’s side, where there was a sense of need; I watched her with awe as she sought to comfort us; she seemed so together, so strong and decisive, compassionate, and here I was—a mess—though deep down I knew she suffered beyond any pain I could comprehend."

"...and I needed a respite, to be home with my husband and children. On Monday dad was taken off of life support. The doctors had determined that there was no brain activity at all, as I had known all along. <---It might overstress the point by mentioning "eyes" again, so I took it out.

Well, I will stop here, because if I edit too much you might think I thought your story was crap...whcih it most certainly is not! The reason I took it upon myself to do a little editing was because I just treat things (right or wrong) the way I would treat my stuff. And though it really makes little difference...I thought this was a warm and heartfelt piece that nobody can front on! Honesty goes a long way with me, and the sincere tone of your story meant a lot.

If I have any advice, it would be just to work on some punctuation...which is what I am struggling with at the moment. Watch out for using the same word(s) in too many back to back sentences. Furthermore, it is hard, in a first person story, not to use "I" to start off your sentences, and it is a challenge to devize different ways.

Anyway, for what it's worth, this is my spin; and I was gratified to read your work. I hope to read more.
cheers,
Nick

P.S. This review was done under copious amounts of Mozart
N.

10
10
Review of Chameleon  Open in new Window.
Review by EVOLVIST Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
varicose veins = I see what you are trying to do here, but it is very odd. As far as I know, Varicose describes a knotted cluster of veins, only present on a human...not applicable to anything inorganic. Now the root of Varicose stems from the word Varix, which is a thick ridge that runs atop a shell.

Wore this uniform, night and day, seven days a week, irrespective whether there was school or not. <--- Should this not start: "He wore..."?

Lead pellets nestled beneath Toby’s tongue, ready at a moments notice. <---This is an extremely nice touch!

preys = prey's

The heat distorted his vision as it radiated off the iron rich granite--burning his lungs as he tried to control his breathing. <---this is a little more focused, I believe. Just a simple change.

He could taste the salt as he licked his top lip to keep the flies from his mouth in their relentless endeavours for moisture,Heightening his thirst further <---same here.

Out witted = outwitted

Out weighed = Outweighed

berth = girth?

...and there are several instances of similar minor mispellings, and odd wording. But don't worry. We all need editing from time to time.

However...I really did not get the story. It did not seem to have an ending, any moral, anything in particular but "a day in life," if you will. Perhaps I am daft, but I must ask what was the desired result? Just a simple narrative about an african boy who went out to hunt one day, fell asleep, visited a friend, had some sup, batteled with his sister and went to sleep?

Well, at any rate, the wording of your work was wonderful. There was a lot of grace and charm, herein; and I learned quite a bit about some life in Africa. Perhaps that was why it was written: to set a scene & teach. <shrug>

Keep up the great language!
cheers,
Nick
11
11
Review by EVOLVIST Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
The story was touching, it was heartwarming, it had a real melancholy tone, but it went nowhere, and had no real ending to speak of. Is this the fault of the writer? I’m not sure. Is this story is just a simple account of something that really happened? Or, is the proof of the Muse supposed to be evident in the writer’s subsequent works?

Personally, I am not a great writer, nor do I claim to know a lot about the craft. What I do know, however, is I like a sense of closure…and like I said above, what is the reader meant to judge the ending by? We are given little in the story of how powerful the Muse actually is; therefore, we are left with a blank page, after several pages of story.

At any rate, I did like the poetic bent of some of the lines.

Now, I’m not sure if it was on purpose or not, but the sentences and/or paragraphs had no particular structure. For instance:

“In the fall of, 1969, Grandpa called me to his room one last final time. When I arrived
he
bade me close the door. I stepped in close to here him whisper slow, his eyes
watching only the
floor.” ß---A little confusing, perhaps? This is the norm for a “Story Tellers Stone” (with no apostrophe is “Teller’s” I might add). Furthermore, should not Story Teller be one word, i.e. “Storyteller,” or better yet, “Storyteller’s Stone.” I mean, correct me if I am wrong, but isn’t a “teller” someone who sits behind the counter at a bank or a market? A cashier?

Also, watch bits like this: “They werehuge,and wrinkled with lots of spots. He took a deep and ragged breath, and said to me with atear welling up in his eye, “I’ve spent my life working hard each and every day. ß----These moments happen to all of us! *Wink*

This is a brilliant line: …and said, “I have wasted my gift from the stone, passed down to me from ages old.” I
made excuses, failed to try, and once or twice, I even lied. I let everything else come first and
nearly let my gift die.” However, mind the close and ending of quotes.

All in all, it needs some work. But don’t we all?
Cheers,
Nick
12
12
Review by EVOLVIST Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
"It was another night at Nobody's Place, but it wasn't just another night for Joe. Standing behind the bar, sipping his Heineken, he had to wonder why the bar was so empty." <---I think that wee change in the second sentence makes it flow better (and I am not too nit picky here, I don't think...or am I?)

"Not a single one was in his mailbox...expect for his mother's."

"Halfway through the movie that Joe knew by heart, the phone rang."

"Joe couldn't figure out how the power had gone out downstairs, and not in his apartment; nevertheless, he'd be right down."

"...filled with people screaming "surprise!"

"Even Tom and Joy, just back from their honeymoon, made it for the party. But the biggest surprise of all was Chrissy--the unavailable love of Joe's life, made a rare appearance at the bar."

"They presented Joe with a bottle of Johnnie Walker Scotch, green label, as a present from all. An odd present for a bar owner, but even Joe didn't get to drink three hundred dollar scotch very often." <---great paragraph!

"For one night, the Nobody's Place family had all come together to celebrate only for Joe; and he felt warmer than the scotch would normally make him feel. It was just another evening at Nobody's Place, but this night Joe's smile stood bigger than the biggest somebody."

Of course, the above was just a bit of editing...and nothing more. In fact, not being an expert (and a fellow newbie to boot), please take all of this with a grain of salt.

It was a nice feel-good story, with a quality home-spun feel. These are just some suggestions and things that I think an editor would see.

Please keep up the good work...expand and grow!
cheers,
Nick
13
13
Review of Curt's Inferno  Open in new Window.
Review by EVOLVIST Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
I love a story with a well-rounded ending. Indeed, if the ending just chops off, or fizzles out, or even makes no sense, it could very well make the whole work frivolous. In your story, my friend, the ending was superb! It was tight, concise, and it made me think. This does not mean, however, that the rest of the story effected me in the same way.

Forgive me, but I found this piece to be rather choppy and repetitive. Choppy is not necessarily bad, if that is the desired result (many stories with smallish sentences are great ones), especially if one is working within a word constraint. Repetitive, on the other hand, is not so good. Overuse of particular words, or the beginning of sentences containing the same actions, are easily remedied with a mind as fertile as yours. Perhaps it is merely my perspective, not being an expert; nevertheless, I invite you to branch out and explore new avenues of sentence structure. You obviously have the tools, so please, use them!

In this case, does the end justify the means? I would say in a large sense, it does, seeing that the ending is so captivating…But wouldn’t it be nice if the meat of the story is the same?
Cheers,
Nick
14
14
Review by EVOLVIST Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
"Martha looked around her" <---You use the phrase several times and the word "her" in the sentence is not really needed.

"She looked around her in fear and felt the room spinning around her." <---two "hers" in the same sentence.

Those are just a few examples of some phrases that need a bit of tightening up. Otherwise, your narrative is grand! (a little too staccato for my personal taste, yet grand all the same).

Thank you for sharing this story and your faith! You captured a mood very well. It is just that if I were the writer (which I am not), I would see if I could pace the story better by elongating some sentences, and leaving others short and to the point. I suppose, in my eyes, that is what paces a story.

Please share more!
cheers,
Nick
15
15
Review by EVOLVIST Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
"A faint growl came from just beyond the trees. He felt eyes looking at him, waiting for him, he stopped. His eyes focused hard on the brush, yellow eyes were watching him." ---Redundancy.

"His aim was true and it surprised him that the spirit howled, in what sounded like pain." ---Pain from being stabbed in the heart? Perish the thought!

In fact, I found many words that could simply be removed to tighten up the story a bit.

It is such a great story-especially when one is rewarded by a fantastic ending-that I believe it deserves a closer look at anything that could send this story into the upper echelon of writing.
Please, keep up the good work, and inform me when you have something new. I would love to read it.
cheers,
Nick
16
16
Review of Medieval Soldier  Open in new Window.
Review by EVOLVIST Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is fine piece of humour. Send it to Monty Python so they can change a bit of the spelling to the King's English, and you will have it a bit more authentic.

Do you have an editor? I would merely suggest that you find one, if you don't have one already. We all need an editor, I believe; and it would take just a few run throughs to sure up some paragraph breaks, bits of punctuation, etc...

Otherwise, with a well rounded ending, this would be fit for publication, in my opinion.

When a piece makes me laugh aloud (which is hard to do), I know it has something good about it. Indeed, it takes a clever lad to write such funny stuff.
cheers,
Nick
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