It isn't a bad story line, but some of the things that happen are a bit "corny" which distracts the reader from the story, for example dying and meeting Jesus and being sent back. Also I think the ending is a bit rushed and the story could be expanded a bit. It is too Disney princess ending. The writing is good, though. Try not to use so many cliches. Perhaps a rewrite would be nice.
I really enjoy your style and your flow in writing. I think you have enough great writing here to publish a book! I am going to read through these and see which one I like the best, but it will be a difficult decision.
I can sense your genuine feelings and I hope that writing this has helped with whatever you are going through. As far as the writing, since it comes from deep inside you, I can find no fault with it. Best wishes.
Hello, I think that "(with) some minority communities [del. in the United States] (having) been affected more than the majority" should be added to the end of the first sentence. then you could change to "Our minority communities have been so severely affected. Delete "It is clear that if we do nothing, we will be negatively affected" . Sounds repetitive and doesn't fit.
Second paragraph should read "1.4 times (more likely)..."
Third paragraph you just touch on "total lockdown". How about other ways: more vaccinations, better vaccination campaigns, better access to healthcare, etc...
In the second paragraph too, I think you should say that you are just focusing on the exposure to Covid and not on other peripheral factors including differences in physical and genetic factors.
If this is meant to be a short 3 paragraph essay, then it should suffice, but if it is meant to touch on the whole scope of the issue, then you will need to expand more and put in more factors and details.
Best wishes!
I enjoyed your ideas in this rant, all except for the last line. It didn't seem to fit. I think it was the use of " crack at" that didn't fit. Or maybe the meaning was too broad, or perhaps it was a weak sentence compared to the above.
First I will say that I am not a fan of romance stories, but decided to read this because it wasn't too long. I just want to see different styles of writing. I like your style. It is casual and easy to read. I can tell you spent lot of time perfecting your quotation marks and other punctuation. I am just wondering if it is fair to call Elena a mail-order bride. I thought mail-order was in fact paying money and ordering, choosing as from a catalogue. If I understood correctly, this is just love through correspondence. Perhaps if you meant mail- order, then this is not clear.
Overall it was an inspirational message, but here are a few mistakes that need your correction.
In the second paragraph you need a comma before " eliminating".
In the third paragraph it should be " thought of" not "off".
In the fifth paragraph, you need a comma after "seek"and before "or".
You need a period after "fear" and capitalize the next word.
In the sixth, it should be "lifetime," not live time.
Although this is a widely used topic, it doesn't matter because it is your mother. I like the way you go through different stages of your mother's life, and I love the detail about how she would use the spoon against the mug to wring out her teabag. Nice detail and in few words we capture a glimpse of your mother.
It doesn't matter about reviews because this poem is for you exclusively.
I enjoyed it though.
I really like your one line philosophies like "Butterflies have no more freedom than ......we have longer to suffer." I think you need to change the last line. It is too dull compared to the rest of the story.
I can feel your anger in this poem, so it must have been a true feeling. I like the non-systematic rhyme in "crusader/Masquerader". I'd change the first two lines though. I thought the" you"was repetitive.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/expatsue
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 11:37am on Dec 31, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "