Hi Paradox,
Overall Impression: The story started off interesting. The narrator is this mysterious figure that is cared for by some sort of group or society that provides anything and everything he could possibly ask for. The narrator is shown special favor because he is gifted, and it's implied that there are others like him, which is why (or at least seems why) his eldest keeper is sending him off to a special school to refine or hone his gifts. This sounds like a pretty good concept and for a while, it seems like it's working. The problem is the story seems incomplete.
Just as the story is starting to go somewhere, just as the plot is developing... the story ends. As a reader I am dissatisfied not because the story isn't told well, but because the story doesn't seemed finished. The narrative cuts short, leaving no resolution. So now the narrator has a mentor... what else? Where's the relationship with the mentor going. What's so special about the narrator and the school he's going to? Too many questions left unanswered. While the grammar section below is important in its own right, it's more important that you finish telling the story, or at least add another installment. Hope this review helps.
Grammar and Mechanics:
Section 1
Paragraph 1, 2nd & last sentences: Before the School....
I had anything [everything] I desired, and could act on a fleeting whim if it meant that I would gain some brief moment of happiness.... Ella always said, in her matter-of-fact voice[,] that I already knew everything they would try to teach me. Everything is the correct word because it implies there is no limit to what the narrator can have. Anything while similar, has a different meaning. This link below explains the differences between the 2 words.
http://www.differencebetween.net/language/differen...
P-3, all but the 1st sentence: It was Gregory....
She spoke of my incarceration as though it were a joyous event, and she announced [announcing] that I would leave within the week and that it was to a far off school that allowed for none of my keepers to follow. When Gregory began to state [stated] his dismay, with his [usually] clear voice roughened in concern, Ella dismissed him[,] and forbade [forbidding] him to speak of it to anyone within the home, especially to me. Announcing, as opposed to
and she announced is better for the flow of the sentence; the same reasoning can be applied to replacing
and forbade with
forbidding. Try to use the minimum amount of works necessary to communicate your ideas if it doesn't take away from description. It's also a good idea to avoid phrases like
began to or
started to; unless the action is something that takes time to develop or something that is interrupted -- examples: 1) I began to climb the mountain, eager to make it to the top, or 2) I began to tell my theories but I was silenced. I suggest cutting
with because it's obvious that he's stating his dismay vocally, and adding
usually to show the roughness to his voice is not how Gregory's voice usually sounds.
P-4:
It was at that moment that I knew without a doubt, that my doting Ella had sold me into a life of solitude, where I could trust no one and no one could [would] trust me. Could implies some degree of choice. He could not trust anyone because no one would trust him.
Would is more forceful. The narrator can't trust anyone because he knows they will not give him the chance to be trusted.
Section 2
Paragraph 3, sentence 4: Hours had passed....
His hands, stained and calloused, passed over a paper-wrapped bundle that was wound with a simple piece of cording, but [he] refrained from offering me any words. Without the word
he it sounds like Gregory's hands, as opposed to Gregory, are refraining from giving words.
Paragraph 4, sentences 3-7: I was hesitant....
Everything spilled out in a tumble of clothing, covering my lap and the seat next to me with my new possessions. I looked through the heap carefully and began to pull [pulled] out a raven-black pair of trousers and a pressed ivory shirt. I folded them carefully, smoothing out the wrinkles as they formed, before continuing onto the next of my [other] new things. A suit coat that matched the trousers perfectly was next to be [briefly] examined and then put aside in lieu of more exploration. Sleek black shoes, polished to the point of reflection, came next along with smooth leather gloves that wrapped perfectly to my hands. Avoid phrases like
began to or
started to; unless the action is something that takes time to develop or something that is interrupted -- examples: 1) I began to climb the mountain, eager to make it to the top, or 2) I began to tell my theories but I was silenced. Lastly, the original version of this paragraph includes the word
next 4 times. The edit cuts the word usage down to 2. Try to get into the habit of varying words. Variation is an important component of strong writing.
Paragraph 5:
Somehow, I doubted that Ella had this in mind[ ]when she signed the contract that bound me to this supposed school. Somehow, I knew that Gregory had been suspicious of her decisions and had tried to dissuade her from committing me to strangers[ ]tutelage. The 2nd comma in the 1st sentence is unnecessary, as is the apostrophe after strangers towards the end of the 2nd sentence.
Section 3
P-1:
I had been in the School for three weeks[,] attending private meetings with a never-ending series of professionals that would question even the smallest of events before spending the evenings in a small study where I would be given instruction by a different instructor each night. The lessons were challenging at first, courses in Latin and advanced mathematics, in cultural etiquette [cultural etiquette, advanced mathematics and Latin,] and a half-dozen foreign languages of which I had only the most rudimentary knowledge. There are two reasons to use a semicolon. The 1st is to connect 2 closely related (complete) sentences; that's two independent clauses. It should not be used to break up a lengthy sentence if any parts of that sentence is a sentence fragment. The 2nd reason is to separate items in a list such as dates or groupings of cities and states to avoid confusion. Unless there is more clarification concerning the questioning of events I suggest deleting the text as indicated by the strikethrough. The last change noted in this paragraph has to do with sequence. Since the paragraph ends by mentioning foreign languages,
Latin should come right before the mention of the half dozen languages because it's a language too. I suggest placing math before Latin because math is a language of sorts as well.
P-3, sentences 3-4: I arrived at the atrium....
This was the mark of an older student, the crest of a fraternal organization that denoted their areas of expertise, and I was told by one of the professionals who regularly saw me for private meetings that I would be advanced into one of these organizations as soon as I was caught up to speed, having begun later in the year than most. This advancement would place me above those within my age group, but I was told in the strictest of confidence that I was expected to surpass those within my year with in [them within] a few months of my arrival. Either use
caught up or
up to speed, not
caught up to speed. The sentences are a bit lengthy. Writing
them, as opposed to the crossed out text, says the exact same thing in a single word and does so more clearly. Additionally,
within should be written as a 1 word, not 2.
P-4:
The Masters that sat in the chairs turned when I cleared my throat softly, and by the first utterance they all were facing me[.] “Good evening....” While the dialogue has a connection to the proceeding sentence it's not actually a continuation of the 1st sentence and therefore needs a period as opposed to a comma in between. Apply these comments to paragraphs 5 to 7.
P-5:
The blonde stood and took a few steps towards me, extending his hand in greeting[.] “Rowland. It’s a pleasure to meet you[ ]Liam.” When the formalities of introduction had been met, he offered a brief smile[.] “I’m to be your Mentor....” See paragraph 4 comments.
P-6:
I nodded at his words, and allowed my mild curiosity to speak for me[.] “That means....” See paragraph 4 comments.
P-7:
My Mentor, smiling in approval, nodded[.] “Absolutely....” See paragraph 4 comments.
P-8, last sentence: I allowed myself....
“Now, if it pleases the assembled Masters, and specifically my Mentor, I wish to take my leave and begin to prepare myself for the rigorous training and class schedule I will undoubtedly begin in the morning.” Avoid phrases like
began to or
started to; unless the action is something that takes time to develop or something that is interrupted -- examples: 1) I began to climb the mountain, eager to make it to the top, or 2) I began to tell my theories but I was silenced.
P-9:
When I received their blessing to retire, I offered a slight bow and returned back to my dormitory. Back is redundant.