You really do have a way with words and i can tell that was completely heartfelt.I really enjoyed reading it - i think that anyone who reads it oculd take a different interpretation of it. For me, it reminded me of the bullying that i had to deal with in school, and the way it made me feel and then the relief to regain self confidence.
You write extremely well and i have to say, i love the phrase
"long whomping branches"
whomping, what word!!
I think that this was a really good story or chapter, I'm not sure and it certainly left me wanting more and wanting to know exactly what happened and why. I loved the whole mythical mysterious background to the story where you add in tidbits about characters and i would really like to read more about them :):) You got the first rule or writing a story down to a tea - to intrigue the reader and keep them reading. The description especially at the start was brilliant, however i think maybe you could expand the description of the whale at the end as this is what the story seems to lead up to, but it happens i think too fast. As you have shown you are briliant at description and i think maybe you could add a bit more at that particular part in order to add tension and to really build an image up in the readers' mind.
I also found a few things that need correcting, as follows:
Line 5 - Melissa had never told her or her brother, Ryan, why,
I think the comma usage in this line needs to be looked at again because it doesn't flow right and reads quite broken. My suggestions are either to get rid of the commas as this would make the sentence flow better or to keep the commas and add a full stop and erase the 'so' of the next part so you break up the sentences into two which adds tension and suspense.
Remember however, these are only my suggestions and you have every right to keep it like it is as it's only my opinion :):)
Line 19 - "Atleast" I think it should be "At least" however this might just be a difference in the way you and i write :):)
Last thing i suggest - near the end it says "an dnearly screamed" - typo error :):)
I hope i haven't offended you by the suggestions, i remember when i was first getting started on the site i took quite badly to constructive criticism because i felt that if i had it it made me work terrible but i learnt that its nothing more than constructive suggestions because we all want each other to do well and it's not picking holes its just helping :):)
Email me anytime :):)
Keep writing, you have a talent for creating intriguing stories :):)
One of the many reasons i enjoyed reading this poemwas because i really felt that you put your heart and soul into it and i think that that is what makes fantastic writing and is usually the most theraputic type of writing :):) It was very well written and i thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I loved the metaphor of the butterfly throughout and i can completely relate.
There was only one line that i found didn't read write and that was
"I clutch to my life, but all find is night."
i think it may have meant to have been "all i find is night"?
But other than that i thought it flowed nicely.
Remember when anyone does give you pointers about any work you have done, try not to take it personally because i know when i started recieving reviews at first i started getting really hurt by some of the constructive criticism; it doesn't mean your work it bad, its just everyone here wants to help each other as much as possible to make their work as perfect as can be :):)
Please keep writing because i really enjoyed this poem and i hope to read more of your things soon. I noticed you're new so feel free to drop an email anytime with anything you might be stuck on, anything about the website or just for friendly banter :):)
Have a nice day,
Meg
Keep writing because I really do think you have something blossoming :):) (keeping in the theme of the butterfly:):) )
Wow, this is really good :):) I can completely see this being a song which is really good of course being some lyrics i read and i can't see it ever being a song. Hopefully you know what i mean, as in when i read it i can get an idea of a tempo and like how it will sound, or this may just be me being odd!!
I really like your writing style, it flows well and it's really good how its a rhyming lyric yet none of the rhymes seem forced. I've read stuff where the meaning of it just changes and turns completely weird because obviously the writer has just used words to fit in with the rhyme scheme.
Seriously, this is brilliant, keep writing and keep up the good work :):) Original lyrics - you'll go far :):)
Wow!
Really original story, you should be proud, trying to get me to read a story about bowling is one thing but making me want to keep reading is another thing :)
I was gripped to the story from start to end and i love your description, and i loved the abrupt ending that was completely unpredictable.
The only criticism i have is the start when you desribe Dice's appearance, i think it would work better if you showed not told, so for example, "Brushing back his curly hair" instead of "he had blonde curley hair" if you get my jist? But that's just my opinion to take or leave :)
You've got a unique writing style and i really enjoyed reading this :) thanks for sharing.
Meggy
Thank you for your great article. I didn't think anyone would agree with me on the topic.
A lot of people think that there are only dodgy people on the internet, and it bugs me. A lot.
You see, i was on a penpal site and got chatting to a guy my age. We've now been talking about 3 years, and none of my friends can see how we're still talking. The world's too shallow. The thing i like about the bond i have with him, is that he sees the real me. He doesn't care if my hair looks bad one day to the next, he knows ME. The parts of me that many people don't look hard enough to find. I have a lot of trouble showing my feelings, but i can do it do much easier with words. My friends tell me that i can't love someone who i've never met. Who says? I know this guy better than i know any of my friends. There's something intriguing about waiting for that e-mail.
congratulations on such a fantastic article, and i like your grouping :P Did you see that girl in Canada after?
great job
*Sky*
Wow this is really good! I agree with all of it, and i think everyone should know that they have the power to make a difference
A couple of suggestions...
The ....'s put me off a bit, and i think if this is a poem it doesn't need them.
Another thing, this is your own writing so write what you like, and don't worry about athiests, they have to respect your beliefs, so maybe if youw want to inclue that, do it as a note from the author at the top.
One more thing is when you say about bieng thankful that you are not disabled, there are many people on this site that have a disability on this site, so why not put somehting baout being thankful that we can write?
They're just my opinions, and i'm not telling you to do it, i'm only trying to help, it's your poem, and i think it's wonderful as it is!
Well take care and i wish you a very Merry Christmas!
*Sky*
I really like this. it's quite unusual, and i find the humour hysterical! I like the clear description of Mary, but maybe you hsould make the description of the main character a bit subtle, maybe by using blocking, and describing yourself throughout the piece, ie. "i itched my head, so glad to have short hair,"
ha ha ha that was rubbish, but i think you get my jist. one more suggestion, would be to show not tell the urges. I have a feeling these urges are going to play a bit part in this story, so express what he's feeling, and perhaps what it's doing to him inside?
Overall, a really good piece, and looking forward to the next chapter. You have a unique voice and i'm glad to see no typos!
Merry Christmas
*Sky*
This is sucha good story. It's like a typical teen story with a twist, which i was happy with. While reading it, i was praying that she wouldn't get together with that Rob guy, cause there's loads like him and they're all jerks. But she killed herself! No!
Well planned, no spelling errors, everything is layed out clearly.
Good job, and looking forward to meeting your port soon! ha ha ha!
Merry Christmas
*Sky*
This is also really great. From looking at how a triolet is formed, looks like you've got it sussed!
Thanks for including the instructions on how to write one, lookign forward to having a go at one myself!
I love how it's not any old rhyme, and how everything is there for a reason, and not just to make it rhyme, if that made any sense whatsoever!
You really have a talent for poems!
Keep writing!
*Sky*
I think i've reviewed you before... hmmm
this is really good and i like your morals and agree with you. I'm waiting for the right guy to sweep me off my feet, but until then, i'm gonna throw myself into my writing!
I am very much with you on this!
*Sky*
I don't know what else i can say about this other then that is perfectly formed!!! Good job, i really like the words that you chose!
An congrats for starting to write again, you made the write choice ha ha ha - that was cheesy!
All the best
Take Care
*Sky Rainbowfairy*
Does your amazing nack for poems end? I also know how you feel. I hate guys that flirt, and make you think you have a chance, but you know deep down it is just for display and know that you would never have a chance with them in a million years, and they happen to be drop dead gorgeous...
Wow, this is superb! I hate fairytale endings in movies! They are so predicatble and cheesy, especially in chick flicks; life dosn't work like that!
Thanks for sharing! i love the rhythm in this poem, and i don't think anyone could have written it better than you have.
Hey!
Your biography sounds cool! Hope you enojoy the writing site, and i'll be checking back to see if you add more things to your port!
Don't be afraid to take advantage of the site! lol!
If you ever need anything, drop me and email.
Take Care
*Sky*
You are such a talented poet!
I like how this poem is narrative and how you describe the expressions so vividly. I love "A kiss i harvest" that is so original.
This poem is un-cliched and i like the end very much. The rhyming is very good and the spelling is accurate. I only hope the lady in the poem will be me one day!
Take care
*Sky*
I also reallly really like this! I love the start and the end, as i think this is very effective and adds to the strength of the poem. The rhyming is good. I especially like the fourth verse, as i think the imagery in that is deep and emotional. Once again spelling is accurate and i can tell this is a really honest poem.
Another fab job!
*Sky*
(Picking one poem to give an awardicon to will be really hard!)
Wow this is such a pretty poem! Only by really gazing up above and by looking at the nature around us can we really say what a miracle the world is. I love how you describe the flowers dancing. The rhyming is clear and flows.
Yet again an amazing poem!
*Sky Rainbowfairy*
Sorry for the long delay
This is fantastic. It is so moving and so strong. The message conveyed through this poem is very true as so many people think that they cannot do anything to help. But it is with so mnay people saying that they don't know how to help, that the situation remains. There is only one suggestion i have:
"They watch the homeless on the street,
scared to be touched, they quickly move their feet."
Personally, i don't think the second line flows quite as well as the rest of the piece; maybe too many syllables?
Overall, i love this poem, and love the imagery you have used to describe the scene.
All the best
*Sky*
This is really good. This is a short piece, but the language is really good and very strong. Good job, this is really really good which i think i have said about a thousand times!
I look forward to reading more of your things, but i may have to go soon, so bare with me!
*Sky*
wow, this is amazing. I love the language and it's a very honest poem. I like the way you write. Keep up the good work. I'm looking forward to reading more of your stuff. I hope to see you around the site!
Keep writing, you definately have a talent.
*Sky*
I like this a lot again! lol! you are great! People are too self absorbed in their own lives to take a look at the miracles that are all around them. I wish everyone thought like you.
*Sky*
This is another great poem. I can see that you're an optimist like me. You always try to see the best out of a bad situation. Your stuff is amazing, and i hope all of the stuff with your Mum is okay.
*Sky*
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/fairy_girl
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 6:40am on Nov 25, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
