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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/falakaye
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6 Public Reviews Given
6 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by FalaKaye Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow. You really captured the woman's life in this poem (the specific detail of caressing her husband's brow really popped out nicely). The repetition wasn't overwhelming either (something that can be easy to fall into for some people when working on a poem like this one). I can't really think of much I could suggest to help you improve/consider. Maybe be more conscious of end marks? There isn't anything wrong with the way you used end marks here, it reads great, it might be something to consider utilizing in another work though. See how you have some sort of end mark on every line?

"These hands she now tends to hide away /,/
These hands that at times make her feel ashamed /./
Grotesque and useless in her eyes /,/
They rest in her lap as she quietly cries /./"

They work, but a few of them could also be left out to keep the sentences/lines more connected like this:

Ex. "These hands she now tends to hide away /,/
These hands that at times make her feel ashamed /X/
Grotesque and useless in her eyes /,/
They rest in her lap as she quietly cries /./"

It isn't a huge change but it does affect the reader's pacing and makes it just a little smoother.



Hope that might be something useful for later or interesting enough to have made reading through it worth it. :)


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Review by FalaKaye Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Not a bad narrative, it could benefit from a little bit of a different approach though if you'd like to make it less formal.

Look at the introduction for example:
"A place of incredible significance to me..."
While not a terrible opening (definitely what a lot of teachers expect more often the not), you do have the potential to make it much more immersive and colorful from what you have just past this line.
Early on you talk about the location of the camp. This could serve as a creative and very interesting way to lead into your narrative.

Ex. "Horseshoe scout reservation. The vast area of land in the “horseshoe” bend of the beautiful/wild Octoraro river, just on the borderline between Pennsylvania and Maryland. Given to the esteemed Chester County Council nearly/over a century ago.
Beyond the gravel-laden parking lot, running alongside the last of the worn/well kept camp road, there stands the large grey rock. It sits right in the way, blocking cars, parents, all traces of life outside of the rural/untouched/preserved land from the unassuming dirt paths, oftentimes consisting more of worm-wriggling mud, so unlike the concrete-lined lanes of home/enter name of home state. And just down that path? There lies the magnificent/looming/rustic MacIlvane Lodge and not far away/nearby, the ever impressive/memorable/homely Nature lodge."

It makes the intorduction to your camp sound more fanatasical and draws in the reader more beacuse it reads as if you yourself are entranced by the very land itself (admittedly it makes it a bit more wordy, but wordiness isn't always a bad thing when you're writing about something you care for/are passionate about). And the recollection of your very first night, it too could be built on just a little bit to make it more in the reader's face.

Ex. “Go back to bed, Knox.” He sighed tierdly, not even bothering so much as to get up.
Knowing better then to argue and not wanting to get on the man/his bad side after only the first day, I did as he said and did my best to try and get some sleep.
For twenty minutes all I could do was toss turn on the hard/soft/worn/neat bed, I even tried to count sheep as silly as it sounded/beause a friend/family member had once told me that usually helped, but still I lie there wide awake.
I clambered down again and made my way back to the adults.
“Mr. Fresta?” I alled out/asked again nervously.
“WHAT?” A voice that definatly was NOT Mr. Fresta's roared out, the low, grumbling reply that I was met with sparking visions of creatures that were anythign but human, surely a angry bear or some other dangerous monster that wanted nothing but to hurt me or even eat me!
Terrified, I raced back into bed, not looking back to even see if the thing had decided to follow me of not. I didn’t dare move, let alone even THINK of getting up again. Eventually as I lay there wating for something to come lumbering in in searh of me, I drifted off, still terrified to death of what I would later discover to just be the groggy voice of Mr. Yoder, a dad in the troop who was so harmless that he couldn’t even bare to hurt a single fly."

Not that you need to go that route, I just thought that maybe it could help make it feel more tangible and in the moment (and help with an impending word count maybe? Or just to make yourself feel good about trying something that you might not have considered for the narrative).
If you get stuck on cleaning it up/working on it (if you didn't already work it out and turn it in) feel free to email and ask me whatever you might need to help you trouble shoot for the paper, it sounds kind of like a fun assignment but English has always been one of my favorite subjects so I might be a little biased :).


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Review of Scarecrow  Open in new Window.
Review by FalaKaye Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I'm not going to lie, detective stories like this aren't my favorite (I guess I don't really care for drawn out internal monologues too much) but I can't help but appreciate the speech patterns and how well you stick to the detective's way of "speaking". I don't have too much to say, it flows really well except for a few snags here or there like when the detective is telling a bit of back story for Garrity and says:
"She was scared, had made a mistake, could he help her?"
there isn't anything wrong with the wording, certainly draws a sort of attention to the line, but it just doesn't match the tempo you've set up right there. Maybe think about trying something like:
"She was scared, she'd made a mistake, begged for his help."
And honestly with the way your detective Harrigan talks I wouldn't be afraid to replace a comma for a semi-colon occasionally to give a dramatic break between points in your lines (detectives are pretty dramatic so it suits your style here just fine). Other than that the only (and it's pretty minuscule) thing I can add is that you cold maybe consider adding a 'the' when Harrigan refers to the "mooks" after the first time but it could fly as is as just a part of your character's speech pattern (and if you thought of that detail before now, props, you've got an impressive handle on how exactly you want him to sound).

All in all it might gain something out of a little tweaking here or there, other than that it reads really well, has a distinct pattern to it, even has some interesting duality in it (the homey-love-life bit vs the harder detective-in-a-shady-joint bit compliment each other well as well as connecting to one another through the use of how love impacts the two scenarios).


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