This is a beautiful poem! It must be so hard to watch your friend going through all this. I hope it helped you to put down in words the pain she is going in. I don't write poetry so feel free to ignore my suggestions.
Best Points...
Tormented by guilt, sadness, and despair,
Left wondering why life is just so unfair
The piece is so sad, so moving...as illustrated in these lines. You have expressed her pain, and hence your pain, very well.
Suggestions For Improvements...
She looks at me with eyes so sad,
Knowing she will never get back all she once had.
It would flow better if the 2nd line was shorter.
Maybe "She looks at me with eyes so sad,
Knowing she won't get back all she once had."
Deeply sickened by every day wasted,
Of all she has not yet seen, touched, or tasted
Again, the 2nd line should be shorter...
"Deeply sickened by every day wasted,
Of all she's not yet seen, touched, or tasted"
This is a really orginal piece of writing. You have been very creative in the way you handled this controversial topic. I think it works well, it educates, whilst still being entertaining..A difficult thing to achieve...well done!
Best Points...
"It would seem," began the expert, his voice overflowing with scorn for the guide,
Just an example of the creativity used. You have tried created a mirror of this world...using things like "guides" and "experts"...It gives the piece a good structure to build from.
The ending is really interesting, I never saw that coming!
Suggestions For Improvements...
As a short story, this is lacking in a beginning middle and end. It really has no middle. To improve this you need to build up to the ending. Rather then just tell us how that the lady aborted her child...try and show us. Show us how she feels about that, before and now that she is in heaven.
Is this thing contagious? I open up this piece...then sit there starring at it for half an hour wondering what to write...I ate a cookie...Now I need a glass of water....Ok...on with the review This is a great piece, thanks for sharing...Now I know I'm not alone.
Best Points...
This is a really cute little piece. I love the scarcastic humour. I love the lines.. If you happen to be using a computer (which is a marvellous tool for serious procrastination), numerous tasks can be completed before you begin.
Tell me about it, before I review, I need to check my mail, answer my mail, say hi to everyone in scroll, check contest deadlines....re-check contest deadlines and add them to my favs....You get the idea
Once you do actually build up the stamina to begin, waste five to fifteen minutes ‘getting ready’.
My favourite task...Are you really a fly on the wall in disguise? I love the 5-15...That's such a cute detail.
Suggestions For Improvements...
This advice is mainly for school students with a writing task in mind but can be used by anyone with a weak will and something remotely important to do.
Anyone can procrastinate. School students, office workers,
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This is a really insightful piece of writing. I'm so glad that you had people to support you. Well done for all the hard work you put in with your kids...that must have been tough...and well done also for trusting the people around you to be there for you...That's sometimes more difficult than it seems.
Best Points...
You spoke from the heart and it really touched a nerve. I think we can all relate, I'm just surprised that you had the courage to do something about it...well done!
Suggestions For Improvements...
If you are reading this, then I know you have contact with a large group of people who are struggling with some of the very same issues you are.
This suggests to me that you didn't write this for W.com...I would have an author's note if that is the case.
I want to encourage all the rest of you who are drowning (I know you're out there) to take advantage of the Christian community around you.
Unless this was sent to lots of Christians, I would suggest an edit that includes everyone...as most of the people on W.com aren't Christian.
The paragraphs are a bit all over the place, consider gruping some of the first few together.
This mentions some adult stuff in passing...so I would suggest a rating change to ASR.
This article is very informative. I would have liked to have seen it expanded to include the other points you mentioned....but maybe they're best as seperate articles.
Best Points...
You have presented a complex issue in an easy to understand way...Mashallah, you've done a great job.
The list of references is very useful, maybe you should include one for the Quran too.
This is presented in a very clear way. I'm glad you highlighted the quotes...this works well.
Suggestions For Improvements...
After years of research, scientists have come to the conclusion that after about five thousand million years, our sun will become a red giant.
"Dr. Alfred Kroner is one of the world’s renowned geologists. He is the proffesor of geology and the chairman of the department of geology at the Institute of Geosciences, Johannes Gutenburg University, Mainz, Germany.
Add this extra info. nest to your reference.
.”"(www.islam-brief-guide.org)
Add the reference at the end of the article and put a * nexr to both it and the quote.
Apart from the origin of universe, the Quran also talks about the finiteness of the sun and the moon.
I'm afraid this was rather quite a simple story, and the way you told it didn't really make it any more exciting for me....sorry!
Best Points...
I like the title, it really captures the mood of the piece.
You write really well, I think it was more your choice of topic that didn't appeal to me.
Suggestions For Improvements...
The gas pumps, of course, were not operating, and he had to siphoned gas into his car in order to get to my home.
Shouldn't it be siphone {sp?} in the present tense.
I'm afraid this didn't really hold my attention, you write really well, so I would consider revising it to make it short, sweet and punchy.
What a sad piece...I'm sincerely sorry for your loss. The war in Iraq was such a tragic waste of life...
Best Points...
Your honesty. The piece is so moving because you have opened up your heart and let us look in. Thanks for sharing, you have given the war a human perspective which it lacks far too often.
Suggestions For Improvements...
"Never think that war,
No matter how necessary....
This quote would look better if it was at the top. Center it, add some italics and colour and it will look really effective. You add italics like this...{i}text{/} write center and /center or c:blue and /c for the other tags.
The spacing makes it easy on the eye to read, but I prefer paragraphs.
A lovely tribute...I'm glad you found W.com...It certainly is a fab community!
Best Points...
This is a lovely piece that flows well. Apart from a few suggestions for improvements (nothing major), it's a great read...and a lovely tribute to SM & SMs.
Suggestions For Improvements...
Visits with friends became phone calls, and since they all had other interests, I became an after-thought for many.
I know what you mean...but it's phrased a little awkwardly. They would all have other interests...that's obvious and inevitable...what you need to emphasise is that you drifted away from them as they got on with their lives and your's stood still.
I saw my children and grandchildren when I was able to go to them;
Now, I have a new community with a new purpose. I was asked to become the subgroup leader of Raiders of the Lost Art
Consider putting the title of this group in italics.
My life became no life.
Consider using italics for "my" and "no" to emphasise the difference.
This is a really interesting piece of writing. I'm really disturbed by the whole abortion issue...you'll find some items in my port about my views on this. I'm unfamiliar with the term partial birth abortion and I'm still a little confused as to what this means and why it's used. And...am I right in understanding that the petition did the trick and it is now illegal to use this method of abortion?
Best Points...
I love the way you lay out your argument... I suspect most of you will not sign it because...
You start by relating to the reasons why people haven't signed the petition. As a crisis pregnancy counselor, I talked to hundreds of women...
Then go on to describe your personal experience. In the very least, stop the late-term infanticide of partial birth abortion.
You conclude by using an argument that I often use in my articles. If people can't meet you all the way...give them the option to at least meet you half way.
Well done!
Suggestions For Improvements...
When offered real choice, through emotional support & concrete help from community resources like Heartbeat, most women don’t choose abortion. .
You have an extra full stop.
You might also like to put Heartbeat in italics.
This is intended for the purpose ofstopping partial birth abortion
space between of and stopping.
The author's note was very interesting, but I would like to have seen it expanded. obviously the petition isn't relevant to us, but a good article could be put in place of the author's note to shed some real light onto this issue...for example... What does AMA stand for? What does the organisation, Heartbeat, do? Why are partial birth abortions carried out?
I would be really interested to know all this and more.
By the way...my team member Dreams - Anon, who are you? is currently running a contest on the abortion issue if you're interested.
This is a really lovely piece of writing. It makes the reader feel all warm and fuzzy.
You have constructed the story really well. It starts with a lovely description of the relationship that the pair have, continues with the way that relationship ends with the old lady's death...and ends nicely with the letter.
Although the letter is a little cliche, I think it's still a sweet touch.
Best Points...
She had fluffy white hair and smiling eyes.
I love the little details like I've highlighted here. You capture the atmosphere and the young girl's experience so well. This is really the best bit about your writing, you're a great storyteller in that you show as well as tell.
Suggestions For Improvements...
When she started getting sick that all changed.
I prefer it phrased as "When she started getting sick all that changed."
She told me Mabel had gone to heaven and wasn’t coming back, I cried some more and left it at that.
The "Left it at that" contrasts with the feelings shown previously. I think the character is more likely to be effected by her death for some days at the very least.
You helped me with the chores but merely being there was the greatest help you couldn’t ever thought of doing.
could have ever thought...etc.
I would have the girls reaction to the letter at the end. It doesn't have to be much, but as the story is in 1st person narrative, I think it should end with the young girl. Maybe something subte is appropriate...like she smiled/cried as she folded the letter away.
Write on!
Regards,
Farhana
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This is a really lovely piece of writing. It makes the reader feel all warm and fuzzy.
You have constructed the story really well. It starts with a lovely description of the relationship that the pair have, continues with the way that relationship ends with the old lady's death...and ends nicely with the letter.
Although the letter is a little cliche, I think it's still a sweet touch.
Best Points...
She had fluffy white hair and smiling eyes.
I love the little details like I've highlighted here. You capture the atmosphere and the young girl's experience so well. This is really the best bit about your writing, you're a great storyteller in that you show as well as tell.
Suggestions For Improvements...
When she started getting sick that all changed.
I prefer it phrased as "When she started getting sick all that changed."
She told me Mabel had gone to heaven and wasn’t coming back, I cried some more and left it at that.
The "Left it at that" contrasts with the feelings shown previously. I think the character is more likely to be effected by her death for some days at the very least.
You helped me with the chores but merely being there was the greatest help you couldn’t ever thought of doing.
could have ever thought...etc.
I would have the girls reaction to the letter at the end. It doesn't have to be much, but as the story is in 1st person narrative, I think it should end with the young girl. Maybe something subte is appropriate...like she smiled/cried as she folded the letter away.
Sounds wonderful! You described it all so nicely, and more importantly, how it made you feel! I like the way you kind of wrote it in the form of a story, great format, it works well.
Best Points...
In moments, SM, carrying my heavy computer bag
The small, cute details about the members...those subtle things speak volumes, you've incorporated them very nicely.
Suggestions For Improvements...
The I smiled back. “No, just about arriving.”
A typo? Either, then I smiled back, or just I smiled back.
fun but shy
There were 2 members that you described as shy, probably true...but it's also probably not their best characteritic. I would just write "fun", the members may not like the "but".
Sometimes you use the user tag, and sometimes you just write their usernames/handles. I would stick to one format...using their names are probably easier...(e.g Pita)..compared to typing out usernames with WritingML.
An interesting essay and a great insight into the struggles a soldier faces.
I don’t know what exactly I have done to offend this particular group of people but they are mad as hell and want to take it out on someone.
You don't? That comes as a huge surprise to me as here everyone seems to understand why the Iraqi people aren't thrilled when they see a soldier.
Best Points...
“Oh look, a leaf just fell from a tree” or, “Oh look at that interesting sunset.”
A rocket just went off, yawn.
Your piece is very chatty and that makes it a really interesting read. Here you describe what happened in a very entertaining way, describing not only the events, but how that made you feel. The sarcasm works well. I would make the last line part of the paragraph above.
“Oh my God! Get down! Call 911! You are so right! You guys have to deal with what the vast majority of us will never witness...dealing with what you guys have to deal with takes an amazing strength of mind.
I could feel my own level of anxiety rising and I had to check myself and remember not to get caught up in this person’s reaction.
A great life lesson...We often let other people dictate how we should feel/behave...you've shown how that can be a very dangerous game.
Suggestions For Improvements...
IED, VBIED, RPG’s,
What are they?
I have often wonder how do they decide what event will they take up today.
I often wonder or I have often wondered.
I think the sore point in this essay is your lack of concern for the real reasons why people are against the war. I'm against all terrorism, but I also believe that the war was totally unjustified...and many people share that sentiment. This essay is more about your experiences as a soldier, so I would either deal with the motives of the terrorists in a sensitive way...or not refer to them at all. As it stands you have a great essay with a potential controversial statement about something else invading it.
Wow! That's beautiful I love this piece. You know when I first started this, I didn't realise it was a poem...ok, so it's very late ...but it honestly reads like a story, so when I read it a bit more carefully, I was inspired by how effective your writing is!
But now that I have grown up, it seems to me these days,
That all those people and myself have gone our separate ways
I can really understand where you're coming from...I'm sure many people, if not everyone goes through this phase
my love for them washes over me like an uncompromising flood.
I love this line!
Yes, it’s true, unlike most friends, we are bound to each by blood,
And my love for them washes over me like an uncompromising flood.
Wouldn't it be phrased better if you wrote "Yes, it’s true, unlike most friends, we are bound to each by blood, But my love for them washes over me like an uncompromising flood."
The only other suggestion I have is that you try and jazz this up a bit. Why not try centering the piece and adding some colour. You can center it by writing {center}text{/center} and you can add colour, for example, plum, by writing...{c:plum}text{/c}. I think you should do something with it, because it's such a nice poem and a lovely tribute to your family...but the layout just doesn't sell it.
This has potential...but I'm afraid it reads more like a tragedy than a comedy. You started off really well, but the piece did a U turn and to tell you the truth you lost the reader. You need to decide what genre this fits into and then work with that to make it believable.
I was monitoring their progress in the last few days.
The opening line is a great hook and I love the way you make the game appear real. This was well written and believeable.
When we first started this they were fairly easy to overtake.
When we first started this, they were fairly easy to overtake.
I had a simple solution, but she never even would stay on her computer long enough to find out if she liked it.
I would delete "would" and re-phrase..."I had a simple solution, but she never even stayed at her computer long enough to find out if she liked it."
I had nothing but time since my wife left.
The tone changes here. I can still hear the voice of this neurotic guy...but this is sad and quite weird...and it doesn't seem to fit any pattern.
You need a beginning, middle and end...I'm not sure you have that so far.
It was broken because there was no way I was spending four hours a day playing video games.
I didn't get this line.
The topic is hard to write about. The ramblings of a neurotic addict are hard to describe without the piece sounding chaotic and all over the place. Try and give it some definition...a plot etc. and you'll be on your way!
Having studied a bit of psychology, I'm always interested in things like this. I hadn't heard of this before so it's a really interesting read. I love the way that you've taken something technical and displayed it in such a colourful and creative way to make it accessible to the average person.
Suggestions/comments...
The Choleric
Is that really what it's called ...What an odd name lol!
Lead, follow, or get out of the way
The bigger the goal, the longer his day
I think we've all met people like this...kind of like trains hurtling towards you! I love the way you describe it, you make it come to life...people can certainly relate.
There's an unstable anger lying deep within
Harmful words will cause a dramatic reaction
Doesn't rhyme when I read it
Let's do things later, I've got the time
I work best under pressure, give me a deadline
There's no problem with these lines...but are they really the best way to end the poem? I think you might consider adding another stanza...there needs to be a link somewhere...maybe I'm thinking more as a storyteller, but I'd like to see more of a conclusion...Perhaps a theme throughout...or just a summary at the end...
I think I must be Melancholy...who are you, I'm curious
Is this poem about sleep or death. It seems that it can be about either...a evry interesting piece of writing. I don't write poetry, so I can't comment on the technicalities...but...
I close my eyes and I can see.
I like the way that you repeat this line again at the end of the stanza...and the way you use the word "see" at the end of every sentence. This is rather unconventional though (I've never read a piece like it), and I wonder if that works against you. I like it though, as it serves to emphasise that sense.
Coloured sharp exposures that need no light to see
Does this describe the dreaming state?
One day it will be all over and I will not ever see.
Might be better phrased..."One day it will all be over and I will not ever see."
The light is darker now and I do feel.
Are you dreaming now, hence the darkness...and the feeling comes from our percption that all is real, even though it's all a dream.
Silkiness of garment so smooth I know the touch.
Again...is this the perception of being able to feel?
An interesting piece of writing, but I think unfortunately, that it's rather confusing...and poses more questions that it answers.
This is brilliant! I loved the angle you took on this, it works really well.
I love the little details...like... I hitched my bag up on my shoulder and scrambled to keep up.
“Who’s the artist?” I asked looking at the Writing.Com logo hanging on the far wall.
...and the originality. This part of the piece sounds like you've just walked into some kind of club or community group...really cool!
I love the way that you discreetly incorporated all those little links. It makes the piece really useful as entertaining.
The ending is really appropriate and bring the story to a happy close.
The only suggestion for improvement I have is that the story seems too short. You have only managed to incorporate a handful of the tools on offer here, and as one of those is GPs, although fun, it takes away from the more serious features. I would have liked to have more fun and serious features explored. I wonder for example how you might represent scroll?
This is a brilliant read. You know a comedy piece is really good when it has you laughing out loud. I loved this!
The opening line is superb! If someone had wanted me dead, they missed a good chance when I was filling up at the gas station last week.
It's so important to get it right, I'm hopeless at this...but that one line really sells the entire piece...well done!
I think you're actually quite lucky to be a klutz...I can think of a lot of people who wouldn't mind getting out of that long list of chores..lol. Did you actually pour petrol all over yourself?
The ending was as effective as the opening, really draws the story to a satisfactory close and brings the drama full circle.
I love this! This is the kind of poem that really needs to be read out loud. I'm no poet, but I do appreciate the art of great poetry.
I love the way this piece is punchy and catchy...it has a really great beat to it.
More importantly, the message is one worth writing about. I was very curious to know your opinion on this topic, seems you have played it safe and sat on the fence lol. This is a question that has plagued me many a time, and has probably got many adults in a spin.
This is brilliant! How wonderfully put! This is the most interesting entry I have read. It truly shows the excellent talent that is limitless on this site. I love your analogy, a very creative spin on this challenge.
But at Writing.Com, one establishes roots and becomes a citizen of a bustling, thriving community, complete with its own economy, thirteen newspapers, and a post office
Your piece is not only witty, but it is a great insight into the way W.com works...and the talent that is a cornerstone of this community
This is a delightful poem! Truly beautiful writing! You write with such grace that the words seem to dance of the page, not only is your writing thoughtful and true it is also a pleasure to read.
And this can only happen
When you realize it’s true
That everyone needs someone
And that someone is you.
The ending is magic! What a wonderful hopeful message to everyone (which is a lot of people) who have felt like this.
I didn't review this when I should have, but figured better late than never.
I confess I had to look up the meaning of phoenix, but it did help to bring the whole piece to life. You have described it so well actually.
Your poetry is really beautifully written! It is so annoying to read poetry where the author has forced the words to rhyme, but so refreshing when rhyme is used as effectively as it is here.
I love these lines... Wings of feathers crimson, gold
Shroud the moon as they unfold.
They perfectly illustrate the grace with which you use rhyme to give life to your words...and how you use imagery so well. This piece is full of wonderful imagery, there are no lines that I can select as my favourite...the piece is very well written (did I mention that..lol)
Write On!
Regards,
Farhana
Please take a look at "Invalid Item" . I think it could get some more exposure for all your wonderful writing.
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Tormented by guilt, sadness, and despair,
She looks at me with eyes so sad,
This is a great piece, thanks for sharing...Now I know I'm not alone.
This is a really cute little piece. I love the scarcastic humour. I love the lines..
What does AMA stand for?
I love this piece. You know when I first started 
this, I didn't realise it was a poem...ok, so it's very late 
...but it honestly reads like a story, so when I read it a bit more carefully, I was inspired by how effective your writing is!
...What an odd name lol!
, but it did help to bring the whole piece to life. You have described it so well actually.