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6 Public Reviews Given
9 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Among The Poplars  Open in new Window.
Review by fela-tan Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a great job. It has an excellent rhythm and continuity throughout the whole of the poem. The only thing that I kind of noticed (ever so slightly) is in lines 6 and 7.

"for I among the poplars can
hear them as they grow."

In line 6 you used a phrasing that is not consistant with the rest of the poem. Line 6 seams a bit too abstract in feel as compared to the rest of the poem. Line 7 ,to me, has the normal feel of the poem.


Great Job!!!
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Review of Ashes of Dread  Open in new Window.
Review by fela-tan Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I enjoyed reading this keep it up.

My comments mainly have to do with flow while reading. You have a good rythem but in a couple of places it trips me up.

In line 1 may I humbly suggest:
"The harsh wind relentlessly assaults your face" (I assumed the lines were ment to be all one.) This has an even cadence (slightly week to) and it shows the end of a thought. The way you have it written leaves me hanging a bit.

Line 2 I think could be touched up a bit as well. If you want a suggestion email me and I'll tell you what I think but puzzling over it yourself may be good.

In the 3rd stanza I don't get the refference to black snow. Could be just me tho.

My favorite line is:
"colors have lost taste and food is dull"

At first I was bothered by relating taste to colors with food in the line but then it really grew on me as seamed quite clever.

I personally line the iambic parameter with a set count. I think you could do this in a 5 count and it would lend to the rythem. If you notice the verse:

Ashes of dread: embracing our pain
Ashes of dread: screaming his name
Ashes of dread: hail from the sky
Ashes of dread: the day God died

It is all in 4 foot count. A brilliant contrast to the 5 foot count.

Just my humble opinion.
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