This is really good. Very entertaining. I liked how you used the dialog. I believe there is an error in this sentence:
And what sane person didn't want the appreciation, respect even,?of their co-workers, or the supervisor job, or the ability to make--and I admit it--fantastic cupcakes.
You obviously have talent. I hope you keep writing!
I really don't know much about poem structure, but I can say that your words are strongly written (in a good way). The poem comes off as angry, which sets off the drama. I think that the lines flow from each other really well. Also, the poem is very relatable in that I'm sure there are multiple times in someone's life when they come across a person that would be deserving of these words. I did not see any grammatical errors, which is always good! Thanks for sharing
The plot here is interesting and the story is memorable. I like the fact that I want to know what happens next. The first paragraph was a bit confusing as I did not realize she was speaking to her reflection. Perhaps you can add something there to indicate that she is. I felt that the dialog was stronger in some places and weaker in others. I'm no where near an expert in first person prose, but I think with some research you can hit the nail on the head. I would love to see you work on this and develop it further.
The dialog/writing I felt was strong: paragraph: 2-3, the exchange between Carol & Andrea in the bathroom. Paragraph that started with:Inside, the music was deafening. The exchange between her and Tristan. The bathroom scene with Mary Ann and the drama that followed.(some of it was difficult to follow only because of the technical difficulty of the writing.)
4th paragraph from the end: Instead of telling the reader that there are other shadows you can explain (show)how you found them or know that. Perhaps give them a name.
Thanks for posting your writing! I hope I helped in some way.:D
Wow, I just want to say that I love this poem. It's beautiful and deep. The lines are so cleverly written! I can't pick which lines were my favorite. Thank you for sharing this.
What a great poem! It flowed easily from one line to the next and the meaning stuck. My favorite verse was: They were both sculpted, and formed piece by piece.
By the tempest of life, they were hit.
Now they're both different, and totally new,
But together, can no longer fit.
I like that the poem leaves you with something to think about. You can either see change as a beautiful, necessary thing or you can see it as a negative, destroying thing.
Great work!
I thought this piece was pleasant. I really enjoyed your first verse. You are very descriptive and I thought quite clever with your words. To me I felt like the moral of the story was to "stop and smell the roses". The part about the mail was funny in that it actually does seem to reproduce all on its own. I've never thought of it that way. What I really enjoyed was that you made me think in a different way, like in these lines: "where flowers open themselves
to the foreplay of insects
and clouds unable to contain themselves
burst the sweet joy of their liquid"
It was neat to imagine nature working in this way.
The last two lines were significant to me because to me it is saying that nothing big has to happen in order for us to find peace within ourselves. Your subtitle is "Just writing", so I don't know if this was a quick jot on paper, but either way I really liked it. I look forward to seeing more of your work.
I love your intro paragraph. It really drew me in and made me want to read more. Your descriptions were very vivid and realistic, which I liked. The shadow character is a neat element to this story. I like that it adds to the mystery of the whole situation. I felt that your scenes flowed into each other really well. I felt that the most significant event in this chapter was this one:
Sickly sweet bile rose in his throat, and he swallowed reflexively. Dread settled like a rock into the pit of his stomach. He hunched over, dry heaving. The cold hard tile under his palms felt too solid. The throbbing in his head was far too painful. All the details pointed to one irrefutable truth, one that he could no longer deny.
“Oh God---,” Jared whispered. “This---this is real. That means---”
Even I was like "oh man". You really didn't give it away either. The reader finds out when the character finds out.
I know that reviews are supposed to offer some critique, but I tend to look at the big picture and not nit pick. I found no grammar errors, perhaps someone else will. My bit of advice is to keep up the good work and keep the mystery going. I will be reading chapter 2.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/fergirl
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 7:10pm on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
I think that the lines flow from each other really well. Also, the poem is very relatable in that I'm sure there are multiple times in someone's life when they come across a person that would be deserving of these words. I did not see any grammatical errors, which is always good! Thanks for sharing 
I really enjoyed your first verse. You are very descriptive and I thought quite clever with your words. To me I felt like the moral of the story was to "stop and smell the roses". The part about the mail was funny in that it actually does seem to reproduce all on its own. I've never thought of it that way. What I really enjoyed was that you made me think in a different way, like in these lines: