I liked the concept you have started out with here. You have set up the time frame nicely, by noting it is 20,000 years in the future, plus another 3,000 after one failed attempt. I like some of the nuances you added for the aliens, such as having to get a nod from their leader before speaking. You then alluded to the conflict when the humans gave the planet to the Vohm, instead of the Kausuins.
The only thing I can note that is a problem is some spelling errors and missing words. That all can be easily fixed by having someone else proof read your story.
I hope this helps. You did a great job! Keep it up!
Jeff
This was really good. I especially liked the ambiguity at the end. It allows the reader to interpret it the way they want. Did she let a ghost of herself in? Did she fall out the window? Just a couple of the interpretations.
You have a very good concept in this story. A baby girl born on the day Irma hit is named after the hurricane and goes on to do great works across the world. On the hundred year anniversary she is being honored for her work.
There were a couple of things that I do wish you had done with this speech, however you may have been under a word limit and couldn't expand this story. The biggest thing I would have liked to have seen is more information and description on what kind of relief efforts and tragedies did Irma face around the world. I think this would have given a better hook for the reader.
One other thing and this is very optional. You wrote that Irma was the worst hurricane in a hundred years. Whether you believe in global warming or not, forecasters do say things are going to get worse with the hurricanes. Maybe worse hurricanes could be your lead into the work Irma has done.
You have a great premise here I hope you keep working with it.
I like your short story. You did a great job showing how you were not happy with the situation. The ending was a nice twist, however I think I would like to know more at the ending how it made you feel finding out you were helping a disabled vet. I know you added the cap to your collection so you wouldn't forget what happened on that Memorial Day.
I didn't find any mistakes with your spelling or grammar. I liked the twice used "Meaning?" I'm not a big fan of doubling up like that, but it worked nicely here.
I can see why this was nominated for the Quill Awards. Keep it up!
Jeff
You have a very deep story. I liked that you chose a lesbian couple to be the prospective parents. That was a very brave choice, considering the environment now a days.
You did an excellent job of showing Natalie's pain when she was sitting in the rain. I think I would've liked to have known more about how Shayne felt. With her, we only got a few facial expressions.
I was also wondering if Shayne could have children? I feel that if you explain why she couldn't it would help with forcing the two choices on the reader. If Shayne could have children, then there is a third option.
I enjoyed your preview. I would enjoy seeing more. Your use of language lent well to the steampunk feel.
At first I hesitate to say anything about what you have written, because it is a preview, but I do realize that you are using this as your hook. I would like to suggest that in your first paragraph, after saying "And then he did." I would start with a new paragraph. It seems to me that you change subjects here.
At the end where you have "Damien landed hard..." I think this should also be a new paragraph and add a little more description of what happens to the Actuator. Maybe something to the effect of how it falls apart.
I liked the last sentence, "One down, ninety nine to go." This leads nicely into what I am sure is a really good story.
You have a really good strong story here. I could believe this was an actual myth from Norway or Sweden. You did a great job of enticing me as a reader.
I feel there were a few mechanical problems.
Myma -- mother -- why must we tire ourselves... {I would suggest getting rid of MOTHER. I think it's clear what you mean by saying Myma.}
After a moment Merith sank back into the lake.../...As she looked into his eyes she thought... {You had in a previous paragraph that she slipped into the lake and then that she was looking into his eye. May I suggest that you add something like "Merith peered up through the water into Jacob's eyes." Then we know she is under the water.}
...Sacrifice eternity for a moment... {A moment of what?}
I think you need to describe more action how the men fought Merith before dragging her out of the water.
I would check your verb tenses. There were a few times you switched between past and present tenses. I would also go through and delete all the THATs. the word THAT tends to be a no no for writers. I suggest getting someone to edit your paper for grammar. I have always found fresh eyes find many more mistakes than I can ever.
I really loved how you described the growing crack in the lake like a tree. I thought that was very vivid and beautiful.
I also really liked the ending. Maybe I'm cynical, but I get tired of the everyone lives happily ever after. The sad ending of your story was what made me believe this could be a real myth.
I hope these suggestions help. I think you did a great job on your story. Keep it up!
Jeff
I really enjoyed your story. I get the feeling that your goal was to stay under 2000 words, but I would love to see an extended version of this, or more stories about ET6.
I really don't give two flying shits about swearing. It gave your story a kind of sardonic twist that I liked. However, this story could also be very much a good children's story. I think you should try a version that is safe for a younger audience and see if they enjoy it.
Definitely let me know if you write more on this story line. Keep up the good work!
Jeff
I enjoyed your tale. It has a good strong message about the dark side of the holidays. I especially liked the small comparison to the starving people in other countries.
The only thing I wanted more out of it was some humor, but the more I think about it that may not be the way you wanted to go with this. So, that is totally your call.
I didn't find any problems with your spelling or grammar.
I think this would make for a good editorial piece in the newspaper or a seasonal magazine. I really think you should try to submit it.
I like what you have here. It almost has a Twilight Zone feel to it. Throughout the story I wondered if Paul was an alcoholic, or had mental problems. I also wondered what people were seeing about Paul that Paul couldn't see.
The ending I found frustrating. You put this twist in it, but there was no explanation of what was going on. The whole thing with Richard being the cop, but also making Paul a bagel really confused me. I had no idea of what direction you were going with that. I really feel you need to extend the story long enough to explain where this thing with Richard was going.
I didn't find any problems with your grammar or spelling. The mechanics of your writing are very good.
I really hope you add onto the end of this story and I would really love to read it. Keep It going.
Jeff
Thank you for sharing this. You never want someone else to go through this, but it is comforting to know you are not alone.
You did a wonderful job of describing the downward spiral into the pit that is almost impossible to climb out of and how so many of us yearn for the bottom of the pit and release.
I'm really not any good with poetry, so as far as any mechanical advise I have none, but your poem did rhyme.
I really liked your short story. I get the impression this comes from a bit of experience. That's great. I think you did a really great job adding in references that pretty much only geeks would get.
I know this was only supposed to be a short story, but I think you have the makings of a series here. In this story alone you have the makings of a geek's Breakfast Club with a dash of Revenge of the Nerds.
I enjoyed what you have here. It's a great start. I definitely would love to see this expanded.
As for your requested review points. I only saw one place where you repeated your words.
"I began to pull my limbs inward, directing my body to contract and the limbs that were not needed to be swallowed back into my body." You used LIMBS twice.
I didn't have any problems with run on sentences or fragments. Yeah, some of your sentences were long, but I just think that is your style. What I may suggest is to mix up the lengths of your sentences and paragraphs. I noticed several paragraphs that were big, one right after the other. Your sentences were the same way. If you break this up with shorter sentences and paragraphs it helps with the readability.
Other things I noticed. I feel you need more description at the beginning for her transformation from a dragon to a human. It took a bit into the story to realize she was a dragon in human form. May I also suggest saying something about her naked form embarrassed Aiden. That would put it in the reader's mind that she is a female much sooner in the story. I had to pick up what sex she was by your use of pronouns.
I do realize that this is just an idea you are trying to flesh out. I think you have something really good here and you should keep with it.
This was a good short story. I liked the Native American beliefs that you based the story on. You did a great job explaining the beliefs and then tying them into how the Elk came back. As a reader I had to believe Poor Poet found his body and returned.
I didn't find anything wrong with your spelling or grammar.
The only thing that confused me was the opening with the advertisement. I'm not really sure why you put that in. Maybe it's just me.
Great Job!
Fifthwood
PS ~ Could you please review something in my portfolio? I would appreciate it. I give plenty of auto GPs for reviews.
This is an excellent short story, which I think could work into a much longer story that could go in many directions. I liked the twist of the boyfriend being the assassin. I honestly did not see that coming.
I only had one problem. I think you should mention Alex's name when Kate is talking with her father. That way it is clear who she is talking to when he comes up to her at the pub.
As for grammar and spelling I found two things.
HE SHE thought he looked absurd in the day-glow orange jumpsuit. (Need to drop SHE.)
There were a few places I thought you should have started new paragraphs. Particularly when a different character starts talking.
I hope this helps and Great Job!
Fifthwood
PS ~ Could you review something in my portfolio? I would appreciate it. I give plenty of auto GPs for reviews.
This is a very well thought out love letter. It is different and unique compared to other love letters I have read. I like how you didn't want her to be compared to angels. I like how you want her just as she is even with imperfections.
I didn't see any problems with the spelling or the grammar.
I'm sure you put spacing in this letter when you wrote it, but when you pasted it onto here the spacing disappeared. I suggest you put the spacing back in for readability.
Great job!
Fifthwood
PS ~ Could you review something in my portfolio? I would appreciate it. I give lots of Auto GPs for reviews.
I like your story. It is a good concept. The prologue set up the scene very nicely, which neatly transitioned in to the first chapter. You did a great job describing the death going on around the general and his disparity. I was thinking I wanted to know how the attack happened, but then I got to the next chapter and you had gone back to tell about the attack.
One thing I didn't like is I think you cut off chapter 2 too soon. Maybe end it after the conversation.
There were a few mistakes that I found. I have listed them here and capitalized the mistake.
Continuing for another MILE AND FIFTEEN METERS down to....(I don't think you should mix imperial and metric measurements. You do this throughout the the prologue. Being the future I would stick with metric.)
Inside it WAS living quarters, labs, and offices....(I believe it should be HAS.)
As he turned and looked around THIS VAST THIS VAST hall....(You repeated yourself.)
...watched helplessly as tears now RAN SLOWLY TRICKLED down his dust covered face. (I would delete RAN SLOWLY.)
...she just did it because she always wanted to see a stud TO her laundry. (TO should be DO.)
I hope that helps.
Fifthwood
PS ~ Could you review something in my portfolio? I would appreciate it. I give lots of auto GPs for reviews.
You do a very good job describing the church scene. Halfway through it I got the impression you may not be comfortable with what was going on. Your last sentences proved that.
There were a couple of minor mistakes that I noticed. I've listed them below.
Everyone BEINGS to chant the lyrics to the song. (BEINGS should be BEGINS)
I BEING to sway without even realizing it. (BEING should be BEGIN)
My eyes ARE watch them as they watch him. (delete the ARE)
I hope this helps. You did a great job!
Fifthwood
PS ~ Could you review something in my portfolio? I would appreciate it. I give lots of auto GPs.
This was very good. I really liked how the two enemies found each other and had given up on fighting. I liked how they just held hands. What I found most interesting is how you described the sun going out. It sounds like a total eclipse. In medieval times eclipses were seen as possible destruction of the world. So, if this is an eclipse that you describe it makes me wonder what's going to happen when the eclipse passes and the sun returns.
As for the grammar and spelling I didn't find any problems.
Great job!
Fifthwood
PS ~ Could you review something in my portfolio? I would appreciate it. I give lots of auto GPs.
I liked your story. The beginning was wonderful. To be honest your opening had the most impact for me. However, using the same wording at the end was a nice bookend to your story. I think I would have liked to have seen a little more gore at the end to really signal that Samantha had actually been cut in half.
I wasn't sure which character had the pride issue. Sure Pierre was not getting the fame that Samantha was, but his reactions I think would be normal for anyone....well until he sawed her in half. If Samantha was the one with the pride issue I would've liked to have seen her show it more. Maybe it was supposed to be both of them with the pride issue?
It was still a great job!
Fifthwood
PS ~ Could you review something in my portfolio? I would appreciate it. I give lots of auto GPs.
Your essay is very whimsical. You said in your introduction that this is taken from real adventures. It scares me to think how battered your family is. The OUCH group is a nice touch. I was thinking you should have some kind of benefits for being a member, like free first aid supplies. You did a good job with talking about picking a month for sponsorship. You gave a couple of examples, but you didn't drive into the ground.
I didn't find anything wrong with your spelling or grammar.
You did a great job!
Fifthwood
PS ~ Would you review something in my portfolio? I would appreciate it. I give lots of auto GPs.
I liked your story a lot. You did a good job slowly showing the redneck wasn't Dr. Broussard. I knew he wasn't the doctor when the cabinet slid open the first time. From there you slowly clued us in who he was and that he was one of the convicts. It was good how you built up the tension. I was surprised that the Maggie Arnold was actually another escaped convict from the bus.
I think my only sticking point was why was the second convict in the office? Maybe I'm too much of a stickler, but I wanted to know why she was there.
I didn't have any problems with your spelling or grammar.
Good job!
Fifthwood
PS ~ Would you review something in my portfolio? I would appreciate it. I give lots of auto GPs.
This had a really good creep factor. The figure in the dark corner was described very well. I think the biggest creep factor for me came when Joe willingly stuck his hand and then his foot into the blades of the lawnmower. I'm not sure if it was a self-fulfilling premonition or the figure made him do it. But, that is part of what makes this piece good.
There were a couple of minor mistakes that I found. They're more about the style, so it's entirely up to you what to do.
Then it DID move.....I would suggest dropping DID and making it MOVED. The way you have it sounds too passive.
....watching the stump of his hand BLED out....I think it should be BLEED.
Hope that helps, but great job!
Fifthwood
PS ~ Could you review something in my portfolio? I would appreciate it. I give lots of auto GPs.
This was very good. I liked how you left the way she died until the end and implied that suicide was what was throwing the universe out of balance. I think you have the makings of a longer story where she could work with Death to put things back into balance. I also liked how you described Death. The faceless skin with indentations where the features should be. That is original.
As a side note, I could feel you have wrestled with suicide in some way. To be able to translate those feelings into your story I think that takes talent.
There were a couple of things I would change, but they could be considered a matter of style, so it's completely up to you what to do.
(A crook where a nose should be, a hollow dip where the eyes should be etc) I suggest dropping the parenthesis and the ETC. To me parenthesis distract from reading the story. Also to me I think ETC is kind of a lazy way of getting out of describing stuff. You were doing great with the description. Keep it going!
He spoke, interrupting my AWE-FULL trance. I suggest replace with AWE-FILLED. AWE-FULL was to easy for me to confuse with AWFUL.
Again, I think you did a great job. I hope you expand on this.
Fifthwood
PS ~ Could you review something in my portfolio? I would appreciate it. I auto give lots of GPs.
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