I was right there with you up until the end comedy rhyme line! I am laughing when I say that It drew me in enough to want to hear what the next verse would be. I like it.
Gruesome in parts arms I think they were! I was there steeping in these horrors through your trailing words like blood droplets making
recognisable shapes on an old carpet.😐
I am reviewing your work as a member of the 30
Day Bloggers Group
I believe it is a privilege to read another's work. Nothing written in this review is intended to offend or upset in any way, and is my own personal opinion.
Impressions
A stream of fast delivered statements, like a verbal demo.
Style
I like the receptive sentences that give the poem rhythm. Also it makes the opinions soumd definite
and forceful.
Descriptions I particularly liked
no television...no radio...
no communism...no place like home...
Overall
It a reminder that life is what is close to home, because when it comes down to it
that's what effects you most. Conversely today the threat of not having it, or the fear of change can make people unwilling to be aware of the rest of he world and the people In it.
This poem reminds me to appreciate both points of view.
I believe it is a privilege to read another's work. Nothing written in this review is intended to offend or upset in any way, and is my own personal opinion.
Hi rhthomas,
Impressions
I enjoyed the musings of what the phrase work in progress could mean or should mean. That we are all a work in progress.
Descriptions I particularly liked
This says it all, Work in progress, from the womb to the tomb
Overall
I smiled reading this genly rye and amusing musing on all of us being a work in progress. Its saying that perhaps if we could all remember in times of stress and trouble that we are not perfect, we could perhaps forgive ourselves and others our failings.
I am reviewing your work as a member of the Rockin' Review Academy
I believe it is a privilege to read another's work. Nothing written in this review is intended to offend or upset in any way, and is my own personal opinion.
Hello Keaton,
It is my joy to review your work,
Impressions
What drew me to this piece was its title. I really wish I had thought of it, it creates a fantastic image. A concise vivid picture of the setting is drawn in the introductory paragraph. The strong definitive statements in the second paragraph are powerful and tie you to the trail of words to follow.
Descriptions I particularly liked
Above me for as far as I can see, and for as far as I can force myself to believe is blue. No clouds hang high or sink low. A golden sun burns bright, regardless of day or night. Perilous birds of flight soar just beyond my reach. They remind me of all that I have left to achieve.I love the imagery, the wide open skies, a feeling of peaceful freedom.
Grammar and spelling A sky full of people who love me, exist beyond a world that I was sure I would not come to miss, I was just thinking that this sentence may need a comma after me?
Overall
Moving deep words whose under currents wash you away with their tide of meaning. The writing contains the qualities of brevity and gravitas, a powerful combination. I really liked this.
Greetings Fellow Rising StarConnieann Everything written in this review is only my personal opinion and is not intended to upset or offended in any manner.
Story Development
A short but powerful short story full of emotion. It manages to leave a deep impression in a short sharp burst. It takes you from a happy experience and an incidental event, taking you to the emotional climax. The pacing is good, it does not feel rushed even though a lot happens in so few words.
Characters
Good use of realistic dialogue. I think jimmy's letter is composed particularly well.
Suggestions
It's interesting that you chose not to end the story at Jim sat staring at the letter. Tears rolled down his weathered cheeks.To me this seems like its natural ending. Its is good to see the sister seeing the fathers reaction, but I think the piece is more powerful with it ending on his emotion of reliving the loss of his son.
Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling
I could see no errors.
Overall
This story has a beautiful bitter sweet twist that is very realistic, as these things occur quite often in peoples lives, fate operating unseen silently drawing us to conclusions of cathartic importance.
Hi Alex,
I think you have some nice vivid images developing in this and I like the dialogue. i think you should extend it and see where it might go. What happens next I am wondering, where do the fighting entities end up and how is Mr Eward affected by their actions?
Keep writing.
Fin
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I believe it is a privilege to read anothers work. Nothing written in this review is intended to offend or upset in any way, and is my own personal opinion.
Hi Anita, it is a true joy to read your work,
Story:
Great beginning we are immediately thrust in to the story with lively dialogue. “Ah! Will this ever be over?” I screamed.
It was a glorious night the moon was shining brightly in the sky the stars were appearing as clear as a clean glass window. Nice simile.
I think in the story generally you do show things but you could do with doing a bit more showing and less telling. Adding more description draws the readers mind deeper in to your story. For example you could have included a small description of the bus driver, or when she was looking in at the pupils through the window, you could pick out a particular incident to describe it would hold more interest.
Characters:
I really liked the use of alliteration in this description of your main character Serrony exiting. "I raced out the class room so fast I was like a red-headed rocket." She is obviously very happy that this is her last day at school!
I love the insights you give in to all the characters. Serrony dressing describing her friend and Kyle's mad dreams, your style is humorous, friendly and relaxed - Great!
I thought the dialogue was realistic and very good.
I liked the setting and the way you slowly drop hints about the characters futuristic surroundings.
Grammar, Punctuation, Spelling: I thought then when I passed Mrs. Bagollia's room, it may run better with ' I thought about.'
He was running so fast it looked like he was stumbling, his brown hair was flopping... comma missing after stumbling.
There are a few other commas missing and you need to look at the spacing and placement of the speech marks in the middle of the piece. Earth doesn't really like to communicate with the outside galaxies there still trying to get use to the thought of other planets. Typo of there instead of their. ...finally had the body to feel out my swim suits. Should be fill.
Suggestions: Suddenly I decided to stop being in rush and take a moment to reminisce on all the memories I had at Tally Middle School. Reminisce and memories are really saying the same thing so perhaps use just one of them. You could say 'to remember my days at Tay Middle school' - or, something along those lines.
I would leave out suddenly as stop being in a rush describes the situation well without it.
Overall:
I'm sure you read a lot already. This one of the best ways to learn about the craft of writing and to pick up tips and ways from more experienced authors. Notice how your favourite authors construct their sentences, how do they build tension in to their story and how are they describing their characters. It is also a fascinating process to analyse another writers work.
Well done on all the work you have done so far it is good to not look at work for a bit and then see it with fresh eyes for your next edit.
Don't worry about any of the mistakes I have picked up on, they are just to help. We all make mistakes, it's just easier for someone else to spot them than yourself. It may be a good idea to go through pieces several times on a word processor programme.
I can't wait to see how from such humble beginnings this character gets to save the world! A fantastic first two chapters.
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I feel it is a privilege to read another's work. The words in this review reflect my personal opinion and are not intended to offend or upset in any manner.
Imagery : '...that are hovering just out of sight;
of the things that prey on my weakness
and invade my frail mind in the night.
Very creepy, we have all been there in the darkness of night. The hovering indicates something is about to happen and builds tension. The image of a frail mind being invade tells you it just isn't strong enough to take it and makes the subject seeing/ imagining the night terrors more vulnerable. This makes you sympathise.
I love the description of the demons how they have malevolent sneers on their faces. I can see them !
Particular lines I liked:
'shadows born of the fateful moment
I committed eternal error,'
The moment of self reckoning. What have I done to deserve this?
Purpose of the piece:
You try to write of darkness but completely and excellently fail, landing yourself and those of us reading, in bright positivity and sunshine. You have completed your purpose as stated in the first line of the first stanza, 'I want to write of things of darkness.' you go on to describe what you would wrote about, but you are so full of sunshine you can't!
Questions:
I'll read of the darkness of others
who I'm happy to have as my friend;
I have one question , is it the darkness your happy to have as a friend, because it can't scare you anymore, now you have the light/sunshine ?
Overall:
An absolutely delightful piece. The first three stanza draw you in to darkness and the last bathes you in the positivity of sunshine, reassuringly asserting that where light is, darkness cannot live.
A completely positive experience!
I am reviewing your work as a member of the Rockin' Review Academy
.
I believe it is a privilege to read another's work. Nothing written in this review is intended to offend or upset in any way, and is my own personal opinion.
A perfect story to be reviewed for Valentines Day.
Story Development
Nicely developing conversation between the two main characters, which ends in her facing a dilemma. This gives it a gentle twist at the end. I am wondering though where are they situated , where is their location, there seems to be no clues to this. I think a few clues could lend more atmosphere to the piece.
Characters
I think the dialogue draws the characters on the page, as realistic in their tone and relationship with each other. The dialogue is written effectively and conveys their romantic entanglement clearly and with emotion.
I would have liked to have seen more evidence of his celestial powers.
Suggestions
I would suggest threading a description of where they are and the atmosphere of their surroundings, to complete and complement the good realistic dialogue that has been written.
Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling
This has been written well,I found no errors.
Overall
This is a well written dialogue piece which conveys a romantic mood between the two characters. A tender tale of love for Saint Valentines Day.
I feel it is a privilege to read another's work. The words in this review reflect my personal opinion and are not intended to offend or upset in any manner.
What I like about this is that it gets straight in to the action. You are there with these characters. The tension builds with the realistic dialogue. The pace is suited to their situation of leaving in a hurry and the action that follows.
This is full of action and adventure. It leaves you with wanting more and to find out what on earth is going to happen next.
The only word I have a problem with is 'festooned.'It doesn't seem to fit in with the language of the rest of the piece.
I feel it is a privilege to read another's work. The words in this review reflect my personal opinion and are not intended to offend or upset in any manner.
Hi Henry,
I was enveloped by the beauty of your descriptive skills.Really excellently constructed sentences.
Here are some things that in my own personal opinion may help make the story more dynamic in the way it grabs the readers attention.
Missing out I awake...familiar comfort and going straight to The unmistakable echo .. would make the opening stronger and grab the reader more instantly. Also it means you are repeating that you are waking up in the next line mentioning unconsciousness.
Possibly too many great descriptions of the cliffs and sea. You could get away with more if they were linked to action occurring, say a bird over the 'mournful cliffs' or a ship out on the sea say. I am not suggesting you put this in its only meant to exemplify.
' ...ever the slightest..' did you mean ever so slightly?
Towards the end could build up the tension even more. How do things smell, feel?
I liked the story and your description is really fantastic. I think you need to get in to the action quicker. Also I would look at pace. If you read your story in to a recorder of some sort and play it back you will see how the pace runs and where you could change it for more a dramatic read, which would befit your writing.
I feel it is a privilege to read another's work. The words in this review reflect my personal opinion and are not intended to offend or upset in any manner.
Hi Lilly,
Good to see your writing. I enjoyed this little tale. I would like to know what they looked like in a bit more detail, the colour of their hair ,eyes. You could describe how the gap in her teeth looked or effected her speech. It is the little details that draw in the readers imagination even more.
Jeanies' wish is the culmination of the story, so you perhaps could lead up to it with something that says she had the most important thing from the day, the memory of it. I think it would be worthwhile putting some more detail in.
Hi Brom21 ,
Until I have started my New Horizons poetry course, I may not be able to investigate your poem enough technically. I really liked your poem. You have captured the essence of the image provided for the prompt. All the elements of the picture are expounded upon. Her loneliness in the darkness contrasts with the mention of people and masses, acutely illustrating her isolation. Relating beauty with fierceness reinforces the intensity of her visage. Using the word 'unveils' indicates that she spends a lot of her time hiding her true self. 'Pierces as a sword to the heart ' suggests that she would capture any heart that would gaze upon her, instantly and devastatingly.The last stanza explains that she seeks refuge, and explains the sadness of her situation. The fact that she shines, but on to stone which is a cold, hard substance which yields no comfort, ends the poem on a bitter sweet note.
A line I like, but am unclear on is, 'scorching land...... hot coals in the hand' Could you explain this line to me?
I thought it acurately portrayed her overwhelming beauty and the deep sadness of her situation. Fin
i was intrigued by the title and loved the setting, not ever having been to New York but relying on the filmic gritty view. The description of the heavy set furniture and room painted a vivid picture for the initial characters to arrive in to. I'm fascinated at this point and not at all bored ,you could miss this line out. Hmm could they find a needle in a haystack ? Very Interesting -they have ways and means you know! Nicely written.
This is so visual and precise in it's description .I was one of those guests ! The pace of it matched the action of the story. A perfect childrens tale. Each verse was complete within itself , each rhyme approriate in its description . A delight to read.
I really liked this. It had a melancholic feel almost diving into regret, then the last sentence whisks you off to a hopeful future. The repeating of chime and time gives the feeling of time passing. The visual pattern enhances it, as time passes on the page. A poem well engineered.
I can't begin to imagine what you've been through. I found this piece facinating and enlightening . For Me particularly your loyalty to your country after what happened to so many, the fact you were not being listened to or looked after properly when you came out of the war. This would make a good longer piece or installments.Using dialogue and focusing on more detailed description of moments ,would ensnare readers even more in to the realities of war.You must have so many stories to tell.
Just to say I am finding this very helpful and I am making my way through the list . Items are well set out and easy to follow. The writing ideas fun to read and useful.
Description very good and loved the ..... took him to boil an egg. Easy to read words flowed well . I would have liked more detail about how he looked. I got the feeling of the old guy but did he have a big nose ,or wonky eyes! Obviously an experienced writer. Will be back to read more.
Yes your thoughts hit a chord. I think women appear weak even when they are not as they think too much about choices and the consequences.A man will just get on and does. I found the writing style clear and interesting to read except for the last few paragraph which I found ideas did not run smoothly together and could be expanded more.I think strength takes time to build ,it is internal and pervades outwards.
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It drew me in enough to want to hear what the next verse would be. I like it.
Impressions
Style
Descriptions I particularly liked
Overall
Story Development
Characters
Suggestions
Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling 
Overall
Story:
Characters:
Grammar, Punctuation, Spelling:
Suggestions:
Overall:
