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101 Public Reviews Given
236 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I try to find something that is good and something that can be improved in everything I read. I'd like to do more reviews in order to learn and enhance my own writing skills, so you can trust that I will give it my best effort. If you have any specific concerns about your writing, please let me know and I will try to address them. Also, please let me know if you have any preferences as to a public versus a private review. Recently, I've been too busy to complete reviews with the given time constraints. However, if you have something you'd like me to look at, feel free to email me with the subject line 'zz please review' and I will get back to you when I get a chance. (The z's allow me to sort my email alphabetically and easily find your message). Good luck, fellow writers!
I'm good at...
I like to narrow in on a few aspects of a piece and examine them in detail. I've been guilty of losing perspective on an overall story arch though; a skill I'm trying to improve. To get a realistic look at my strengths and weaknesses, I suggest you read a couple of my previous reviews before submitting a request.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi and fantasy are my favorites, but I'll read just about anything.
Least Favorite Genres
Religious
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Charge of the Ace  Open in new Window.
Review by Tab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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This is a wonderfully empowering poem. I like how much pride you let shine through in this, particularly in the last line.

There are a few places where I am left wondering exactly what you're alluding to-- lines like 'Waking from my forty years...' why, specifically forty years? Or when you are go from talking about candles and runes to just books in general. By the end of this, I felt that you were saying that you will find empowerment through reading, but I didn't quite get that until the last four lines.

This does have a lyrical style to it and I think it would make a wonderful song. That, I can see easily. Nice work, and good luck!

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
2
2
Review by Tab Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Okay, so I think my review will end up being longer than your actually essay-- I apologize for that. I'm a little wordy.

If I read your description correctly, you're thirteen? Wow! This was very well thought out and well written. You use a variety of interesting sentence structures and vocabulary, making for an interesting read. Truly, I am impressed.

It's been a while since I was in school, I was taught that an informative and persuasive essays were two different things (obviously, an essay can do both, but we were supposed to treat them separately). Anyway, this looks more like a persuasive essay than an informative one to me, simply because it argues that television watching needs to be reduced. To be starkly informative, I think you would basically write an essay about all the bad things television can cause without actually suggesting that people change their behavior. This is my experience though, and the format may have changed since then. So it's up to you to be the judge of that.

You perfectly followed the classic k-12 writing format with the introductory paragraph, the three-part body, and the conclusion paragraph. I believe your structure is perfect for a standard school essay. Nice work.

Now I'm going to analyze each paragraph in detail. I'm sorry if it gets a little overwhelming. Just keep in mind, this is my perspective and you are welcome to do with it as you please. As it is, you did a wonderful job at this and the essay stands just fine on its own.

First, take a look at this sentence: 'Television is one of the numerous causes to a number of major complications in today society.' instead of 'to a number...' you want to say 'of a number...' Also, I believe you intended 'today', to be possessive, ending with 's.

Towards the end of your introductory paragraph, you list three complications of television in three separate sentences, using transition words like 'another' and 'lastly'. I don't think the transition words are necessary in the introduction. Personally, I would aim to use those words more in the three body paragraphs, since that's where they're really needed. (Of course, if you're expected to have them in the intro. paragraph, then leave them. Omitting them is just my personal preference.) In fact, I think it would flow better if all three of those sentences were one simpler one. It would look something like this: 'These complications include violence, obesity, and depression.'

In the last sentence of the introductory paragraph, you might consider replacing 'that's' with 'and its'. I do like the message in this sentence, since it points to the conclusion of your essay in a clear, concise manner.

Your first body paragraph: violence. I like the ideas you present here. I could go on about this topic forever, but I'll just say this; your point would be a little stronger if you brought in some outside evidence. This may be completely beyonnd of what is required for the prompt, but, if you are interested, you might look up the work of Albert Bandura. He was one of the first child psychologists to analyze what affect that witnessing violence can have on a child's behavior. It's probably not necessary for your essay, but it could help.

I also think your sentences are a little choppier than usual in the violence paragraph, so you might glue a couple of them together with 'and'. Also, there is a small typo here: 'As a result, Many otherwise fairly normal...' 'Many' should not be capitalized. I would also avoid using 'normal', since that word can have baggage. Perhaps 'typical' instead?' It's your call of course.

Your paragraph on obesity is very good. I especially like how you point to the increase of obesity in the US, and then link that to television. Really, excellent work here.

I would recommend moving this sentence: 'But there is one more large problem caused by TV.' This sentence is an excellent transition between topics, but I think it would fit better if you put it at the beginning of your depression paragraph, rather than the end of your obesity paragraph.

I thought your presenting depression in connection to unhealthy lifestyles was very keen, since it ties in so well with the rest of your essay.

Everything you say in your conclusion paragraph is both concise and strong-- nice work! I did find a few minor things you could change; 'Television Is cause...,' here 'is' should be spelled with a lower case 'i'. Lastly, you should say 'bringing' instead of 'bring' in this sentence: 'A reduction in television viewing time would be crucial to bring down...'

Okay, so I realize that was probably way more information than you were looking for. Do with it as you will, and know that this is very good. All my blabbering is mostly a result of me being over-analytical. :)

I hope you found this helpful, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask! Good luck on your essay, and any other writing you do in the future!

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
3
3
Review of A Job Done Right  Open in new Window.
Review by Tab Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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This was well-written-- I found myself hooked right away. They way you layered sincerity and sarcasm in this is especially interesting: the way you committed to referring to "Dad" with quotation marks all the way through the piece, and the way you compare your rage as a child and your success as an adult. It highlights just how much our upbringings can affect us-- whether we want them to or not.

Your sentence structure also jumped out at me. You used a variety of structures so that I never found myself slipping into a groove or getting bored. Nice work there.

I found a few things that could be improved, mostly regarding the use of necessary words:

'...were steep enough as to render this function useless...' In this, you don't need the word 'as'. In this particular sentence, I find that it adds nothing but is distracting.

'...precision and know for a surety that...' the wordiness here is awkward enough to pull the reader out of the story. Probably want to just say 'for sure'. Sometimes simplicity is the best route. In my opinion, that is the case here.

'I knew better than I every had that...' I believe you meant to use 'ever', instead of 'every'.

That's all. You did a wonderful job here-- this story both entertains and makes one think. Keep up the excellent work!

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
4
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Review by Tab Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
You did a wonderful job of making an informational piece of writing interesting and easy to understand. I also like your title. I never thought I'd find lighthouses interesting, but here I am! Nice work.

I do have some suggestions-- hopefully you find them helpful.

My primary concern here is with organization. I think you could stand to present this in a more organized fashion. I do have some suggestions as to how you could rearrange the paragraphs-- do with them as you will.

You seem to designate a paragraph to talking about the working and living in a lighthouse: 'A typical lighthouse of the 1700s would have been 150 feet tall. It included a nice home to live in, a fuel house, boathouse and fog-signaling building.' Then, later on, you have this:

'Once a week all the brass in the building was polished and the inside and outside windows of the tower were washed. The gallery, or the balcony as you would call it, was mainly used to wash the outside of the windows. When the sun began setting the keeper climbed back to the tower to light the lantern and maintain an eight-hour watch. He climbed the stairs three times a night to check the lantern and wind the weights.' To me, it would be natural to put all this information in one paragraph, since it all relates to working and living in a lighthouse.

Similarly, when you start talking about the Fresnel, you might want to make that separate paragraph. It doesn't quite fit in with your description of the families' chores.

Be careful with your word choice. 'It burned brighter and gave off the effect...' anytime you use a word like 'better' or 'faster' or 'brighter', the natural question is 'than what'? What is the comparison. In this case, what does it burn brighter than? This information would be helpful for our understanding of its significance.

I caught a couple of basic typos as well:

'It stood 1500 years until it was destroyed by an earthquake."' You have an extra quotation mark floating at the end of this sentence.

'The keeper, and any family helpers...' I think you intended to make this a new paragraph. You need to space it more in order for it to be like the rest.

Also, I'm not sure how the link at the bottom is supposed to work, but it isn't working at all for me.

Overall, nice work. I like these interesting little historical tidbits-- it was quite informative and fun to read. Keep up the good work!

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
5
5
Review by Tab Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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This is really, very powerful. The second stanza is bright and springy, highlighting a positive memory. Then in the third stanza, when we learn that he was a vet, it takes on a darker tone. This suitably explains why it is a minor chord. Really, nice work.

I only have one suggestion, and it has to do with the first stanza:

'Memories that remain in your heart,
like a wistful melody in a minor chord.'

To make this a complete sentence, you could either eliminate the word 'that', or end the entire stanza with a colon to indicate that you are going to give us context. Or not. With poetry, being loose with grammar is acceptable.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


This was a wonderful read. Keep up the good work!
6
6
Review by Tab Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
I found this through three prompts. Congrats!

You have an interesting tale here-- you catch the readers' attention immediately with the red light and use that as a conduit for introducing professor Grail. When I finished this, I had a ton of questions, particularly about these omniscient beings and their motives. I was totally startled by the characters' willing to live out the rest of their lives with them, with very little questioning or objection. Because there is so much still unknown, you could really expand this into a larger story-- if you so desire.

I liked how you explained teleportation and hover cars (very classic) early on in the story, and then used their technology to explain the ship later on. It all tied together quite nicely.

So I did find a few things that could be improved, at your leisure. None of them are too critical, but working on them would probably help the readability. Here they are:

'Professor Grail saw a man in a white padded material that smiled and waved at him, several yards away.' They way this is written, it sounds like the material is smiling and waving. May I suggest this as an alternative: 'Professor Grail saw a man wearing a white, padded material. The man smiled and waved from several yards away.' Of course, there are other ways of writing this. That's just what came to mind for me.

'“Don shook his head anxiously with his eyes shut tightly.' This should not have a quotation mark at the beginning of the sentence.

When there are only two people talking, there is no need for them to constantly address each other by name, as in: '“You don’t know how much this means to me Don.”' We already know who Grail is talking to, and in real conversation he is unlikely to say Don's name with such frequency.

'...receiving horizon where ever we wish...' Wherever is one word.

'“Preferring to enter vortex,”' should be 'preparing'.

I can see you already put a lot of work into this, so it might be hard to hear that there is still more polishing to be done (isn't there always?). These suggestions are just my opinion though, so feel free to do with them as you please. Overall this was, an entertaining read. Nice work, and god luck.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
7
7
Review by Tab Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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You have an interesting setting, and your futuristic technology is believable. You also do a nice job of hooking your readers right away when your narrator tells us that he wants to explore the past. By the time I got to the end of this piece (chapter?) I found myself wanting to know what happened next. Excellent work.

I do have a couple of basic suggestions. Here they are.

Make sure you capitalize your I's: 'When i was eight years old and all my friends wanted to be astronauts and explore the galaxy, i just wanted to explore the past.'

Check your work for tense consistency. If you look at this sentence, can you see how it switches from present-tense to past-tense? 'May grabs my arm and we go through the door. As we were exiting the room I thought I heard Father Time say "Good Luck!".' Pick a tense and stick with it-- probably want it to be present since most of your story is already in present tense.

That's pretty much it. Thank you for sharing, and good luck!

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
8
8
Review by Tab Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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These seem like fairly common questions that you're asking, although because they are so personal, I doubt they feel common at all. This is a straight-forward piece of writing. It gets a little dark, but ends on an empowering note as you show us a possible future in which you do achieve exactly what you want to achieve, and die proud. I really like this defiance, this sense that you won't give up.

I saw no major typos or grammatical errors, which is nice. The choppy sentences, while good for dramatic effect, are a little over-used, in my opinion-- you might want to add just a couple longer, more elaborate ones in there to spice it up.

If you feel comfortable doing so, I also suggest that you add some specifics to make it more interesting. Exactly what are your goals, and in what way are you struggling to meet them? I understand that this is a personal piece, so only expand on it if you feel comfortable doing so.

Thank you for sharing this-- I think a lot of people can relate to it at some point in their lives. Especially when friends or acquaintances are succeeding in life and it feels like your going nowhere. But then, there is always someone out there who is doing better. Just know that you're not alone.

Good luck with your writing. And, again, Welcome!

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
9
9
Review by Tab Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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First of all, let me say that this is a topic I consider to be extremely important, and that I was very excited when I found your article. You provided the pertinent background without meandering or getting off-topic. Your second paragraph really hit home for me-- fifty years! It was also a good reminder for those of us who are too young to remember some of the earlier fights, just how prevalent of an issue this is and how important it is to stand up for women's rights. This was well-structured, as you used both historical and current facts to support a call for action, and then ended tidily by telling us exactly what steps should be taken in order to make a difference.

I just have a few suggestions, mostly grammar-related. They are quite trivial.

First, take a look at this. 'Remember, women's lack of participation in the labor force was not due to inability or drive. It was predominately due to sex-based discrimination.' I understand that having this in two separate sentences is good for effect. Unfortunately, it means that your second part is not a complete sentence. You could just throw a conjunction in there (probably 'and'), but my suggestion is that you use a semi-colon or a an em dash in order to maintain the same dramatic choppiness. Of course, you could also easily just leave it as-is and call it artistic license. Just something to think about.

Now this one: 'Although we were happy, deep inside women wanted more out of life.' I cringed a bit here, even though I agree with the principle. I'd just be a little more careful with wording, since what you wrote sounds like a comment on the thoughts and feelings of all women. Some women might not have been happy at all, some might have been quite content with their lives...you get the picture. Instead of saying 'we' you might want to consider saying something like 'many women' or, if you want to keep it personal, 'many of us'.

And finally, 'Why should we settle for a lesser pay than men?'. I'm not completely sure, but I believe that grammatically 'a lesser pay' should just be 'less pay'. In any case, 'a lesser pay' sounded a little awkward to me so, unless it is a technical term, you might want to consider using something else.

If your goal with this article was to stir up a little passion and hopefully inspire action, than you have written the perfect piece. It is nice to see something like this on a writing website-- quite a break from the usual fiction and slice-of-life style non-fiction. You did a wonderful job here, even though I found improvements that could be made (in my opinion), there was nothing so jarring as to detract from the overall quality or the power of your message. It was an excellent read. Thank you so much for sharing this!

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
10
10
Review of Worker Bees  Open in new Window.
Review by Tab Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
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This is a fascinating, and age-old question. One which plenty of philosophers, scientists, theologians, and so on have studied. It is interesting to think about how the average person, the 'worker bees' as you say, consider their own existence and the existence of the universe.

What I don't quit understand is whether or not this is a criticism of people who try not to think about it, or merely an observation on how overwhelming this topic is. I'd like to see more about your perspective on the matter. I'm sure you have more to say, so let's hear it! :)

Other than that, good read. I didn't see any typos, so that's good. Hopefully you can expand on this thought. Nice work!

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
11
11
Review of the melt  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
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I like the topic here-- the arrival of spring can be quite inspirational. Your title is perfect.

I think you could stand to have a little more detail here. The simplicity is good, but there are some things you could add to make it a little more clear. For example, it looks kind of like you are saying that the mornings are dreaming (first two lines). You could either add a subject ('I am dreaming with the windows open, or you could just put a period at the end of each line to make it more clear that they are separate thoughts.

The sentiment here is great. I particularly like the last line, which is were we really see how spring makes you feel. Nice work, thank you for sharing.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
12
12
Review of Bubbles  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi Mage! This was a fun read, and a very introduction. I like the stream of consciousness style here, and that reality and fantasy are indistinguishable. Given your approach, the whole thing is surprisingly coherent. I particularly love the way you used bubbles-- sometimes literal, sometimes figurative-- as a recurring theme to tie the whole thing together.

I found a couple of typos that were a little distracting:
'by casting myself into their bodies and see what they are feeling at that point of time...' for verb consistency, 'see' needs to be 'seeing'.
'grand father' should be 'grandfather'.

It looks like your wrote this in 2006, and your other thing in 2007. You are a good writer, and I hope to see more new work from you. This was a great introduction. Thank you for sharing, and good luck!

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
13
13
Review of CALEB  Open in new Window.
Review by Tab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
You have created an interesting character here. Caleb seems to be considering some heavy issues, but not in any clear or organized way. This fits with the manner of thinking that one might adopt when overwhelmed by some emotion, in this case that emotion seems to be guilt. The idea that he has a history of molding reality leaves the reader wondering if this is somehow literal or just another expression of his mental state. Great setup.

Its when you introduce the narrator, one of the mysterious 'we', that my interest was really piqued. This is because it reveals that this isn't just written in the omniscient third person, but in the first person, which explains the somewhat stream-of-consciousness style as well as shows that someone else is interested in Caleb (implying that there is more to him than just some senile man with muddled musings). The one concern I have about this approach is that you reveal so much about what is going on in Caleb's head but it's written from the point of view of an outside person. If you continue to expand this into a story (which I assume is the plan), I'd like to see some explanation of this- either the narrator himself has an imagination and is taking some creative license in describing Caleb, or the narrator has some retrospective knowledge of what Caleb is going in Caleb's head. Just something to think about as you expand this.

I found two errors:
'concept and molding it over' I believe you mean 'mulling it over'
'Counting the...' should be a lower case 'c' because its in the middle of a sentence.

That's pretty much it. I'm sorry I didn't get to this sooner, but I hope my review was helpful. Let me know if you have any specific questions or anything you'd like to discuss about your character development. Good luck!
14
14
Review of Battlefield  Open in new Window.
Review by Tab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow, what a powerful poem! I absolutely love the contrast between mother nature's serenity and the selfish battle of the men. It reminds me of a scene from Sagittarius Rising where there are poppies on the battlefield, but I digress...

The first two lines of the second stanza don't quite work for me. Rhyming light with light, especially in consecutive lines, throws me off a little. Perhaps you want to do something with right or sight? Just a thought.

Overall, I quite like this poem. Nice work!

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by Maryann Author Icon
15
15
Review of N. B.  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Gender is a complicated thing, and you are brave to talk about it in this way. Does N.B. stand for non-binary? If so, why not call it that?

Just to be clear where you are coming from right away, may I suggest that you put the first line in quotes? Other than that, your poem was wonderful. This is an important thing for people to discuss and hopefully understand, so its good to see work like this. I especially like the last stanza, where you offer your vote of confidence for those who struggle with gender identity in society. Nice work.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
16
16
Review of Endless Pursuit  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Wow, what a an inspiring poem. I find that iambs are always catchy, so starting off with them is was a good choice. It also tells us what you will be talking about right away when you tell us, 'They say the sky's our limit'. Those first two words are key- they immediately imply that you don't agree that the sky is, indeed, the limit.

Talking about how a ship is meant to be at sea, how dragons are can be slain, and so on, is a fantastic call to action. It might seem a little over-the-top, but I actually quite like that about it, since it fits your overall message so well. You don't hold back, so your poem really lights up the imagination.

The very last stanza wraps it up nicely by confronting an issue that holds a lot of people back (other peoples' opinions).

The only tiny error I can find is that 'shouldn't' shouldn't be capitalized in the third to the last stanza. You might also want to add a period or explanation at the end, just to punctuate your message (literally).

Really, this was a great read. Nice work, and keep it up!

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
17
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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This poem effectively expresses the discomfort of being haunted by regrets. I particularly like the description of these mistakes being 'dark creatures' that visit you in your sleep.

There are a couple of spots that don't quite agree with me. For example, I think the fourth line might sound a little better as: 'Will I return? I have my doubt.'

For reasons I can't seem to articulate, I also found the last line to be kind of weak. I think I was expecting a more powerful ending, especially since the previous three lines were so emotional.

I'm no poetry expert, so please understand that these are just my amateur impressions. Overall, I found this an enjoyable read. Thank you for sharing!

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by Maryann Author Icon
18
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
You tell a powerful story. I enjoy a tale with ambiguity and multiple possible interpretations. I had to think about it for a while before I realized that the entire thing could be taking place in Lucy's wild imagination- a sort of coping mechanism for such extreme isolation. On the other hand, I think I prefer the interpretation that Lucy was right the entire time and her parents just weren't listening. The ambiguity is key though- that is what makes this story so fascinating.

There were a few places where I was bumped out of the story by awkward wording. I think that the second sentence, while suitably vivid, might have too many moving parts. Maybe you want to change the word order, or break it up into two sentences? Up to you, but I do recommend that you revisit it.

Here is another thing that I found a little jarring: 'snow sparkled like iridescent jewelry' and 'glittered like a million jewels' This analogy doesn't really work for me anyway- it particularly the 'iridescent jewelry'. Personally, I found it too mundane, especially the first version. At least with 'a million jewels' we get a sense of scope as we might be overwhelmed by the twinkling. I do think you could get away with using one of these (my preference for the second one is apparent, but obviously its up to you). Once I've read it the second time, I find myself less because it was already said.

Those are very trivial criticisms. Really, I enjoyed reading this- it is a very dynamic story with multiple interpretations.

Your touching on the value of discovery (something the parents clearly love) pitched against their child's happiness was also perfect. You said just the right amount about it. I can see how one could easily go overkill on this issue or fail to examine it at all, but I think you struck the perfect balance.

Nice work.

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by Maryann Author Icon
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19
Review of Sculpting the Sea  Open in new Window.
Review by Tab Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
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This is an interesting read. Your writing style itself is very enjoyable-- your sentences structure varies such that it reflects the texture and movement of the very ocean you describe. There is a certain poetic element to your writing that I found engaging. The content itself is fascinating; a sculptor attempting to shape the ocean itself and the ongoing struggle for perfection. You effectively express how this very struggle can actually move one away from that perfection.

I don't have a lot to say about this. It was a pleasant and fascinating read and I found no errors. Excellent work, and thank you so much for sharing!
20
20
Review of Molly's Revenge!  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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I hope you're finding your way around the site alright.

I like your story. A ghost getting revenge on her family is a classic storyline, but instead of having her get revenge on them for doing something to her, she gets revenge for what they don't do. Getting revenge for neglect is an interesting twist that I haven't seen before. Although it seems a little muddled in the last paragraph, I really like the idea.

I actually followed your storyline fairly well. I think the fact that she was killed is pretty easy to figure out pretty much the instant that you mention a ghost.

In my opinion, it would be a little more fitting if Molly's revenge resulted in the family's losing their separate relationships or the family coming closer together. Just a thought.

Just to make things easier to read, you might want to work on your grammar a little. I recommend that you pay special attention to how you use independent clauses. This is fairly simple, but it takes a little work to explain, so please bear with me. What makes an independent clause is that can stand alone and function as a complete sentence if you want it to. If you have multiple independent clauses in one sentence, you need to connect them with conjunctions (such as and, or).

Let's look at this sentence: ' The night was very dark I was the only one in the house everyone was with their "true love" while I watched a scary movie at midnight.' You have at least four independent clauses here, but with no period or conjunction, it is a run-on. Here are a few alternative ways of writing it:

1. 'The night was very dark. I was the only one in the house. Everyone was with their "true love". I watched a scary movie at midnight.'
2. 'The night was very dark and I was the only one in the house since everyone was with their "true love" while I watched a scary movie at midnight.

The first example shows everything broken into separate sentences, the second shows everything connected with conjunctions (bolded). Of course, you can use any combination of these techniques that you desire. Here is an example:

3. 'The night was very dark. I was the only one in the house since everyone was with their "true love". I watched a scary movie at midnight.'

I hope that was helpful. If not, or if you have any other questions, feel free to just ask me. I want to help. Thank you for sharing this and, again, welcome to wdc!
21
21
Review of Lynaria  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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This poem is simple. As far as I can tell, there is no meaning beyond what is explicitly stated.
That said, it is quite beautiful. As I read it, I found that I could see Lynaria drifting silently among majestic trees. Your imagery was that of any classic fantasy, without being too unoriginal.

With this line: 'Her name is, Lynaria.' I think you should probably eliminate either the comma or the word 'is'. With the verb in place, the comma seems superfluous and awkward. If you want to show a pause there for dramatic effect, may I suggest ellipses instead? This is really triveal. Overall, I think this was a wonderful piece. Thank you so much for sharing!
22
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Review of The Day  Open in new Window.
Review by Tab Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
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This little poem is about a very real and understandable fear-- and one that most of us have to face at some time or another. In this, you expose your internal dialog, exposing quite a bit of vulnerability. That is commendable.

I think this could be improved if you did not start every line with a capital letter, but instead only capitalized new sentences. I would also like to suggest ending each stanza with a period to make it a little more poignant.

Poems aren't my strong suit. Hopefully you found this helpful.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review of Moonlight  Open in new Window.
Review by Tab Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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In reading this, I can just see someone soaking in the pale light. What an image! I like the use of 'moonlight' and 'moon' within the same lines (the first line and the second to last line).

You pack quite a bit in each line. This makes each line seems very busy. Combined with the ellipses, this works well to show us how occupied you are with your thoughts.

However, I feel like you could really drive home your point if you end on a simple, more punctuated note. If it were me, I would split the last line into two and end with a period:

No longer fearing
what tomorrow brings.

I'm not particularly experienced with poetry. Ultimately, I think you should do what seems right to you. Just thought I'd offer my perspective. It was an enjoyable read, so thank you for sharing!

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review by Tab Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Its pretty funny that you got a side-by-side comparison. I can't imagine that happens very often. :)

This was a touching story. I think that what made it powerful was the fact that this is a recollection from so far into the future. The memories that stay strong through time are the ones that truly show what you value.

I found a two small mistakes:
'The night flew by before' needs a conjunction-- 'and'.
'party's' should be 'parties'.

Overall, this was a very pleasant read. Thank you so much for sharing such a meaningful personal experience.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review of Walter Engrid  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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You've created an intriguing character here. His obsessive and anti-social attitudes are apparent through his behavior. You did a wonderful job making him consistent in showing how desperately needs to control the little things in his life.

I think you've created something pretty interesting here. Making someone like this Walter Engrid likable is hard to do, but by writing it in the first person pov and giving us a look into his rationalizations, you've done just that. Nice work!

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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