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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/flowermonkey
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43 Public Reviews Given
44 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Eliza Rose Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Lynda Miller Author Icon! I am sending you a review of your story, "Lets play Barber Shop!" Open in new Window. as a part of your Tiger Package on the Chinese New Year Auction. This review reflects my opinion only, and I am not a writing expert. I do hope you find something that is interesting or helpful to you.

*Thumbsup*WHAT I LIKED :
I liked your descriptions and imagery; they really drew me in, especially in the beginning paragraph, which is really important. I also enjoyed little background information on the neighbourhood and on Sue, which I felt added to make the story more realistic. It also made me understand and connect with the setting and bit more.
*Bulletg*CHARACTERS:
The main character, Sue, is a creative, vibrant young girl. I thought you did a good job of capturing the antics of a young five year old. She was a very enjoyable character to read and through her actions, her personality was able to shine through, which made the ending very amusing as it was clear that she honestly did not have any bad intentions.
The second girl, Christina, wasn’t as memorable as Sue, which I felt was fitting. Mostly, Christina’s looks were emphasized, and I think that really fits her role in this story. Overall, the characters were well done.
*Bulletg*PLOT:
This is a delightful story about two young children. I sort of guessed the significance of the title about a quarter of the way through, but then instead of feeling disappointed, I was more eager to get to that part. I was not disappointed. The anticipation kind of made the climax even better. I thought the plot mostly flowed well, except for the part where the parents were discussing drinks. It felt like that part was longer than its importance warranted, and so, it sort of stuck out, making the story seem less cohesive. I’d suggest summarizing the conversation regarding drinks to a sentence or two.
*Bulletg*SUGGESTIONS
laughing all the time-the all the time part sounds a bit strange to me. What about “laughing the entire time”?
with large white ones-that sounds a little off. Maybe, “and large white roses”.
she had, had-she had more
shouted, it’s time-shouted, “it’s time
with moms’ best-with mom’s best
the whole house smelled of pot-the next part of the sentence was put on another paragraph by accident.
this our daughter-this is our daughter
a daughter name Sue-a daughter named Sue
can I get you anything?-“can I get
when is your-“when is your
and her mothers-and her mother’s
*Starg*OVERALL IMPRESSION:
I really liked this story. It made me laugh and it was a very light hearted read that I think anyone who has spent time with young children could relate to. I think you're very good at writing children. Keep writing!
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Review by Eliza Rose Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Lynda Miller Author Icon! I am sending you a review of your story, "Was this for real?" Open in new Window. as part of your Tiger Package from the Chinese New Year Auction. This review reflects my opinion only, and I am not a writing expert. I do hope you find something that is interesting or helpful to you.

*Thumbsup*WHAT I LIKED :
I chose this story because the title really caught my eye. I especially like the different meanings it could take on. Before the story, it felt like disbelief, almost sassy, but by the end, it sounds more fearful, which I felt really reflected the mood of the story.

My favourite quote in this story is “Summer raged outside”- I thought that that was a very interesting way to describe summer. It reminded me of the unforgivable summer heat and how awful the season can be. It was great wording that really set the atmosphere for the story right from the start.
*Bulletg*CHARACTERS:
Sue seems to be a very realistic, down to earth type of person. I felt that her initial reaction to seeing the little man was a little off. Most of the people I know would not immediately think it’s their imagination. I feel that even if Sue is not someone to believe in strange things happening at the night, I think that it’d be more believable if she experienced some unease or worry. Laughing it off could then be interpreted as a defense mechanism, and I feel like that would be more understandable and realistic.
*Bulletg*PLOT:
The plot was a decent pace, and I found the constant repetition positively contributed to your story! It made the story more suspenseful, and felt like what was being repeated was a lot more important than what Sue was giving it credit for. Your descriptions were very good. I particularly liked the contrast between the two halves of the story. The first one felt almost silly and childlike, but then the second half quickly descended to the horror part. I felt the two contrasted each other nicely and really made the darker part stand out.
*Bulletg*SUGGESTIONS
I laid and toss- I laid and tossed
Finally sleep heavied my eyes- finally, my eyes grew heavy with sleep
Heard a voice in my head-I’d remove the “in my head” part. It initially made it sound like she was schizophrenic, but there’s actually a person on her bed.
stood out on his golen brown skin-on his golden brown skin
I have read too many of the scary book-I have read too many scary books
I could visibly see-I feel like the visibly part is redundant. If she can see, it’s visible. Maybe take the visibly part out, or, the see out, “The man little man was visible annoyed at me”.
I’ll wake my sister up.. -remove a period
Fear has taken controll-Fear has taken control
It left me with wondering-It left me wondering
*Starg*OVERALL IMPRESSION:
This was a very enjoyable and entertaining story with great descriptions and good plot. I liked how relatable it can be as plenty of people might have experienced sleep paralysis, although maybe little men might not have been a part of it. Keep writing!
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Review of The Bedspread  Open in new Window.
Review by Eliza Rose Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Teens Corner  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello r32312 Author Icon and welcome to WDC! Please know that these thoughts are only my opinions and I am not an expert on anything.

Plot

I thought that the way you paced this was very intriguing. Because death was one of the story's genres, it was easy to understand what the mystery was, but the fact that the main character did not know kept me reading. I was curious as to how he'll find out and what his reaction would be. The story flowed very nicely and I loved your descriptions, especially the opening tied in with your ending.

Characters

The main character, Joe, is a young child and unaware of what is happening. He has also shown that he is very strong and brave. I'm only a little confused about the ending, about why this young child wasn't very upset. He understood really quickly, but he didn't really cry or feel sorrow. Is it because he was taking comfort from his memories?

Overall Impression

I think this is a very well written story that I really enjoyed reading. You really captured the emotions of the event. Keep writing!
4
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Review by Eliza Rose Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Lynda Miller Author IconMail Icon! Today I am reviewing "Help me, I've lost me pot of gold." Open in new Window. as a part of your rabbit package from the Chinese New Year Auction. Please note that these are only my opinions and I am not an expert on anything.

*Bulletg*Plot:
The story was about a leprechaun who had lost his pot of gold, and the owner of the house the leprechaun lived in, had agreed to help look for the pot of gold. This was a very entertaining story and everything flowed really well from one event to another. I thought that your descriptions were very well done, they really helped with moving the story. I was continually interested in what would happen next.

*Bulletg*Characters:
Your characters played a very important part in making the story so enjoyable. They were constantly making me laugh throughout the story and their interactions with one another helped make the plot move along.

The leprechaun is my favourite character. I love how he is so melodramatic and quirky. I really liked how his personality was expressed, not just through his words, but also through his behavior.

The narrator, Grady, told the story in a very amusing way. He was very kind in letting the leprechaun live with him, but he wasn’t afraid of letting his annoyance show at his roommate’s habits. My favourite line by him was Here he had to be careful because the cat would think he was a mouse and, oh my, I hate to think what would happen then.

*Bulletg*Suggestions:
what could that sneaky little devil- what that sneaky little devil
buy me more- buy more
as his was constantly fussing – as he was constantly complaining that
I slammed my book down went over and put my raincoat on and opened the front door.- I slammed my book down, put my raincoat on and opened the front door.
was completely drench- was completely drenched
I asked. For goodness sake- I asked. “For goodness sake
I said. Tell me- I said. “Tell me
said excitedly. Look- said excitedly. “Look
Oh, poor is me- I’m not sure if you’re saying ‘Oh, woe is me’ or “Oh, poor me’
I noticed the Beavers- I noticed the beavers
to the spring and the beavers – to the spring where the beavers
you would not bothered- you would not have bothered

*Bulletg*Final Thoughts:
This was a very well written and funny story that I greatly enjoyed reading. Keep writing!
5
5
Review of Oops!  Open in new Window.
Review by Eliza Rose Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Teens Corner  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Lynda Miller Author Icon! I am reviewing "Oops!" Open in new Window.as a part of your rabbit package from the Chinese New Year Auction. Please note that these are only my opinions and I am not an expert on anything.

Plot:

Your title and your story description were what intrigued me enough to get me to want to read it. I liked how the events in your story were very realistic, for example, how even the trip to the spa wasn’t as wonderful as it was expected. It made your story very believable, and relate-able, which was very nice.

Characters:

I liked the way your characters interacted with each other. You can tell how they all seem to be rather good friends. I especially liked how down-to-earth Daryl was. My favourite line was:

"Daryl are you nervous about tonight?" Marty asked.

"No, I either win or don't, simple as that."

Suggestions:

When writing lines that the characters are saying, if a character says two lines, I feel that it would flow a bit better and sound less choppy if there was only one “he/she said”. For example, instead of saying

"You're right. Oh Look, there's Mary and Shelia." Dawn said.

"Mary, Shelia, we're over here." Dawn shouted.
Perhaps you could write, “you’re right, Oh look, there’s Mary and Shelia.” Dawn said. “Mary, Shelia, we’re over here.” Or, instead of that last sentence, you could just end it with “Dawn said as she waved them over.”

Secondly, there are a couple places where there are tiny details that aren’t really important, and I feel that it sort of draws attention away from the story. For example,

They arrived at the center and walked into the building and up the escalator where they were directed to the correct room and table.
Maybe you could change it to “Upon arriving at the center, they were directed to the correct room and table.”

lock her things up-locked her things up

"Hi Dawn, Hi Mary, how are you?" Dawn asked. – Jean asked. Also, maybe you could briefly say who Mary is. As she wasn’t really introduced, I initially assumed that Mary was an attendant, not a friend.

I didn't like – I don’t like

I din't like the – I didn’t like the

replied. We are sharing – replied. “We are sharing

Final Thoughts:

You have a great plot and I loved the moral of the story, particularly the twist at the end! It was very funny but also very true. Great job with the story! Keep writing! *Smile*
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Review by Eliza Rose Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello E.Lasecke Author Icon! I am sending you a review of your story, "Apprentice of the Artificer" Open in new Window.. This review reflects my opinion only, and I am not a writing expert, nor do I have any writing koalafications. I do hope you find something that is interesting or helpful to you.

*Thumbsup*WHAT I LIKED :
I really liked the unique names you had for everything. They gave a very authentic feel to the story, like it has its own culture, myths and beliefs. It really helped draw me into the story's world. Beary well done. *Smile*

*Bulletg*CHARACTERS:
I liked how Okan couldn't talk, which gave him an air of mystery. He seemed like a very wise teacher, despite his muteness.
Shin is an apprentice who seems determined to learn, but also a little timid and unsure of the new world he's in.

*Bulletg*PLOT:
This is about an apprentice named Shin who has to seek the help of some unknown person with his magic. Your story had a good mix of dialogue and descriptions. It kept moving, making me want to read more. It feels sort of like this plot is only a small part of something larger.

*Bulletg*SUGGESTIONS
Although your plot is really good, it feels like your story's a bit unfinished. I think this'll work well as a first chapter. There are a lot of questions that this story created and I think it has a lot of potential to be explored.

*Starg*OVERALL IMPRESSION:
You have a short story that has a lot of background that would work very well into something larger. Great work with this piece. Keep writing!

*Wolf* A review from the WDC Zoo Reviewers *Wolf*
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Review of My big dream  Open in new Window.
Review by Eliza Rose Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello! I thought that this was a very good piece that has a great message of hope and of courage.

Plot:

This is a story about Lizzie, a 14 year old orphan who loves hockey and is being abused by her foster parents. I thought that the plot was well paced and there was never an uninteresting moment. Every event helped propel the plot along and there was no unnecessary scenes.

Characters:

I thought that Lizzie is a very likable and strong main character. Even while being abused, she tried her best in everything. I liked how you portrayed how the abuse affected Lizzie.

The Detroit hockey team were very good friends to Lizzie who helped her go through with her abuse and eventually help her find a way to end it.

Lizzie's foster parents are very violent without much of a moral compass. It was shown very clearly that they did not care for their foster child and it provided a lot of reasons for the readers to dislike them.

Suggestions
I felt like the foster parents have a background that is not explained. I think that it would add to the story if their actions were given more of a reason. Are they alcoholics? Are they only taking care of Lizzie for the money, but they don't like Lizzie because she reminds them of their shortcomings?

Also, how was Lizzie able to not have anyone question her about her bruises? Don't her teachers wonder? Does Lizzie have no friends so she spends most of her days hiding? How is Lizzie able to go to hockey if her parents probably won't pay for her to receive training or get her equipment (which I heard could be expensive)

There was also this one part in the story where it said that Lizzie had a math and science class two days apart. I think you mean tests.

There were no other spelling or grammatical errors.

Overall Impression
This was a wonderful, well written story that had a great plot and remarkable characters. Keep writing Izzy :)
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Review of Round & About  Open in new Window.
Review by Eliza Rose Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello! I really enjoyed what you wrote, and I thought that it was very insightful. I thought that you were able to very clearly convey the emotions that you felt to the reader. When reading, I was able to see the busy crowds, and the hustle and bustle of the airport, but I could also understand what you mean about being alone. I thought that it was very interesting how travelling helped you understand what was important in life. I'd never thought of it that way before! My favourite part was when you talked about Pepper, and then compared yourself to her! It made me laugh and was an unexpected, although much welcomed, comic relief. There weren't any typos or grammar errors and I thought that the place flowed very smoothly. Overall, I greatly enjoyed reading this and I hope that you continue! (And have fun with your travels!)

Future Mrs. Boo Author Icon
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Review by Eliza Rose Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello! I really enjoyed reading this essay. The first sentence was a great hook and it captured my interest.You had very good, detailed descriptions and I was able to clearly see the settings. It really gave the piece a sense of poverty and beauty and helped the piece flow very smoothly from one point to the next. I felt that the essay progressed at a nice pace and I liked how you showed how the characters worked very hard to support themselves, and did their best to make their way in a hard world. The only suggestion I have is in the last sentence, you accidentally split it and put part of the sentence on one line, and the rest of the sentence in another line. This was a very good piece and I hope you more!
10
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Review by Eliza Rose Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello! I really enjoyed this piece that you wrote. I thought that you had a lot of good descriptions. They made me interested in the trip and it helped me understand what was going on. I especially liked how you injected some humour into this piece. I thought that it really helped highlight the important parts of the trip, and it made me laugh. *Laugh* I liked how you emphasized several times that you were looking forward to this trip to celebrate your 50th birthday, so the reader is disappointed as well when the day didn't go quite as planned.

I have some suggestions, although they are only my opinion, so if you disagree, by all means, just ignore it!
"typically touristy" perhaps you could say, 'typical touristy'
"massiveness taking in the" maybe you could say, 'massiveness, taking in the'
"outdoor caf After lunch" I think you forgot a period, 'outdoor caf. After lunch'

All in all, I really enjoyed this piece and I hope that your future trips (and birthdays) were better. Keep writing!
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Review of The Mind Borrower  Open in new Window.
Review by Eliza Rose Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there and welcome to WDC! I liked your story and I thought that it was very interesting. I liked how Abe tried to explain his powers to people he cared about and the reactions of those whom he told. That was a very interesting point, and realistic as well. I thought that the story flowed pretty nicely.

I have a few suggestions, although they are only my opinion and nothing more.
"had said." I don't think there should be a period there.
"easy they lead" perhaps you could say, "easy as they lead", or, you could say "easy, they lead"
"understand", you need a period at the end of a sentence.
"book; They", the 'they' doesn't need to be capitalized.
"sleep; In" maybe instead of using a semicolon, you could use a period instead.

Overall, I enjoyed your story and I hope you keep writing!
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Review of PEOPLE  Open in new Window.
Review by Eliza Rose Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi and welcome to WDC! I really enjoyed your article and I thought that you had some very good points. I thought that the points flowed very smoothly. I especially liked your example about the singing contests. It's interesting because when we judge others, we do it based on the experiences that we have had. Everyone has had a different experience and therefore, everyone sees life differently than each other.

I have some suggestions but they're only my opinion so listening to them is completely up to you. *Smile*
"people I've gone and work with." perhaps you could say, "people I've gone to work with"
The one example I disagree with is how if someone is always drunk, he's technically an alcoholic. I know that you're trying to say there's a good reason for why he's an alcoholic and I agree with that, but perhaps you could talk about how we should try and help that person instead of looking down on him for it.
"they are being criticized." perhaps you could say "they are criticizing" instead to make it clear that what they are doing to others, they are doing to themselves.

Overall, I very much enjoyed reading this and I hope you keep writing!
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Review by Eliza Rose Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)

Hello and welcome to WDC! I got to your story from clicking the Random Review button. I liked your idea and it was very intriguing. You did a very good job of giving the Empty Road an air of mystery and wonder. I thought that your characters were very well developed and likeable.

I have a few suggestions but please remember that they are only my opinion and if you don't agree with them, please just ignore them! The first suggestion is how in the first paragraph where the main character is talking with Jenson, only the first two quotes need a further explanation of who is talking, ie. Jenson said. After that, just have the quote so the text does not sound repetitious with, I replied, he replied.

There are some short sentences that could be combined into one, longer sentence. This helps the text flow better and not sound choppy. For example, instead of saying "My apartment was quiet as always. I lived alone.", you could say, Since I lived alone, my apartment was quiet, as always.

In the paragraph where the main character is wondering about what lay beyond the empty road, you need to end the sentences with a question mark, especially as the sentences begins with question words.

A few times throughout the story, it switches from present tense to past tense. It would be best if you stuck with only one tense.

Overall, I really did enjoy your story and it kept me wondering, along with the main character, what lies beyond the Empty Road? I hope you keep writing!

*Vine1**Flowery**Vine2* Welcome to WDC from me and the "The Newbie Research Center" Open in new Window. *Vine1**Flowery**Vine2*
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Review of Jack  Open in new Window.
Review by Eliza Rose Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi and welcome to WDC! I thought that your story was very well done, especially as it had to be 100 words or less. The story progressed at a nice pace and I was kept interested until the end, which was my favourite part. I really liked the twist ending. I didn't see any problems with your story and I hope that you keep writing!

*Vine1**Flowery**Vine2* Welcome to WDC from me and the "The Newbie Research Center" Open in new Window. *Vine1**Flowery**Vine2*
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Review of Spider  Open in new Window.
Review by Eliza Rose Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E
Hi there and welcome to WDC! I really liked your poem and I think that you really captured the feeling you get when you see a spider. I can relate as I also despise spiders. I especially liked the last line and it made me laugh. *Bigsmile* One suggestion I have is to capitalize the first word after you use a period. But other than that, the grammar and punctuation were excellent. I hope you keep writing!

*Vine1**Flowery**Vine2* Welcome to WDC from me and the "The Newbie Research Center" Open in new Window. *Vine1**Flowery**Vine2*
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Review by Eliza Rose Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there, and welcome to WDC! I really enjoyed your poem. I thought that it was very imaginative and it had me smiling until the end. I especially liked how the house changed the old man's appearance simply because it wanted blueberry pie. The one tip that I have is the rhyming scheme in stanza five. In all of the other stanzas, there were at least two lines that rhymed, typically the third line and the sixth line (although there was an exception in stanza four in which the fifth and sixth lines rhymed but the third and fourth lines were close rhymes.) When you read it out loud, there is this beat/rhythm to the poem which is very catchy and having those rhyming words really emphasized the beat, which I liked. It helped establish a very nice flow. However, because there were no rhymes in the fifth stanza, it sort of broke the flow. I would suggest possibly changing the sixth line "suffice" to another word that would rhyme with"said", the last word of the third line. But other than that, I really did like your poem and I hope that you continue writing! And please do remember that these are only my opinions and you are free to ignore them if you wish. *Bigsmile* I hope you have a nice day!

*Vine1**Flowery**Vine2* Welcome to WDC from me and the "The Newbie Research Center" Open in new Window. *Vine1**Flowery**Vine2*
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Review of To be alive  Open in new Window.
Review by Eliza Rose Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really liked this poem and I think that you've really captured what life is about. Your descriptions were really well done and it really made me think about my different senses. I'm not very good at writing poetry so I'm not sure if this applies, but you used the word "and" twice in the last sentence. Usually in a story, you only use it once. Another way I'd phrase it would be, "God created this world for our toil, so we can appreciate life, and so we deserve the next one in heaven." Once again, I don't write poetry so if you like the way it is right now, please don't change it. The last suggestion is a small one. The second last sentence is missing a comma. I'd write, "For senses, like limbs, freeze when they're not in use." Overall, this was a very good poem and I hope you keep writing!
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Review by Eliza Rose Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I thought that this was an interesting read and I liked it! You're very good at explaining all the physics and I wasn't confused while I was reading. I thought your descriptions were very good. Keep writing!
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Review of The Other Side  Open in new Window.
Review by Eliza Rose Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked this poem. It was short and sweet. I think that this could apply to a lot of aspects in my life :p Good job!

-Eliza Rose
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Review by Eliza Rose Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I thought that this was a very interesting and well written story. It kept me hooked until the end. I would like to read some more although I suppose that that is a lost hope as it was written 9 years ago. Oh well. Good job!

-Eliza Rose
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