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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/foreverlost87
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3 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Amsterdam  Open in new Window.
Review by Josalin Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is good, I enjoyed reading it although I feel you go into too much detail in some parts, for example;

"He shampoos his hair, closing his eyes and massaging his scalp with his fingertips, rinsing the shampoo thoroughly, turning then to the shower gel and snapping open the lid, squeezing it out onto a cloth with which to wash himself from head to toe. Eventually, shower finished he turns off the water, drying himself in the large towel provided for the purpose." - This is too much detail, you're basically giving a step by step of what he is doing in the shower, its not really needed.

Also there are a few problems with how you have composed your sentences, for example;

"hands him a check-in card and a pen to fill in" - perhaps; "hands him a check-in card and a pen to fill it in." I'm not trying to offend you, just thinking maybe you missed a word by mistake?

Other than those few problems it was a good read, make you wonder what will happen next and keen to read on. thanks and keep writing!
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Review of The Fun House  Open in new Window.
Review by Josalin Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I enjoyed it, you have a way of creating powerful images. I did get a little lost at the beginning with all the "I said", "he said", "she said" parts on each line, but as I got a little further down the page I couldn't stop reading! I read faster keen to find out what happened :) I only hoped for a longer story, it ended too soon I would have liked to have read more! Well Done :)
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