Very inspiring.
the only change I would suggest is more dramatic wording (show don't tell) for some of the opening lines of each paragraph,
(and only because in our minds readers see a steam train from a different era.)
such as =
She stepped = Stepping aboard, Elanore found...
As the train sped = The train sped...
As she stepped = Stepping down from the train Elanor felt air, warm and...
The last train = This last train...
As the train = With a hiss of steam, and clang of the couplers, the train began to pull away. Eleanor turned ...
Excellent advice, especially with the quote from Jane Austin
Our daughter had two older brothers, and we, her parents,
were perhaps infamous for always counseling "get up, shake it off and keep trying"
One day as a wee little one, she lept, right behind her brothers, from the car after we'd arrived at a park. She took off barefooted heading at a fast run toward the swings.
Then her gait became really odd. Running like peg leg pirate or Gunga Din with his
"dot an' carry one"
she seemed to be skipping on one leg at every other step.
Climbing into the swing she gave one pump-kick and burst into tears.
I rushed up and through her sobs she stammered out,
"a bee stung my foot and I couldn't shake it off!"
oh how humbling!
I removed the stinger with the old credit card swipe. Hugged her and let her swing her cares away to her heart's delight!
Thanking us for being their children--
something I'd never thought of before.
And yet, looking forward, I understand
and need to thank my own, even more. (spellcheck put in a comma)
(In my portfolio see "Drive-in Banshees. I took a chance and wrote the second half as a tribute to my dad for his 75th birthday.
we lost him 2 years later. I am so glad I shared the memory. I was asked to read it as part of his eulogy. Then family members suggested I try to get it published. So I added the frontispiece that ends at "they were heroes all" and it was accepted, published and then reprinted in Nostalgia Magazine.
Prose. Dark.
I should say so!
...it will extend whispey black tendril fingers up over the blankets and across the comforter. To wrap around my head, and slide into my nostrils, and cover my closed lids. Like a cloudy vortex masking my senses from the real night...
creepy, chill inducing.
... it waits for me as dreams no longer do...
As if you've become possessed.
This was an amazing bit of work in so few words.
Other than 'whispey' which is either; wispy or whispery?
I found nothing to critique. Easily a 5 star.
Your Haiku 'Your Beauty' works very well as both a Haiku and as Senryu style
Each line can stand alone, then the middle line draws all three together.
Should one read that line as the subject, then the author was writing about an actual meadow,
thus Haiku. Also often it is the new grass and blossoms of spring that create the beauty, so nature is alluded to - a requirement in traditional haiku.
You could enhance that line by preceding it with a 'cut' by using a dash -
But as written it is still easily a full 5 stars.
Biographical, or perhaps creative non-fiction.
This is well-paced as a recollection.
I see a confusing spot,easily cured by "hungry seagull' or "territorial seagull"
Also could be improved for readers, with paragraphs (at a natural point, where reading aloud, you'd be likely take a breath) such as
... farm after farm. (then begin new paragraph)
... behaved well with them. (then begin new paragraph) etc.
At first I thought this was paean to the song.
As I read through this, it evokes a question, I think
of reincarnation.
Except, the progression seems to be opposite
of what one might expect.
Marked as Dark, Emotional, Psychology.
Well done.
A traditionally styled Haiku
nature, season (not alluded to, but named, still ok)
not titled (which to do so would be a Western error in traditional haiku)
My only suggestion would be to drop the period at the end,
and instead, enter a dash (cutting symbol) in front of 'Early'
thus, enhancing the moment of enlightenment.
But still a 5* from my perspective.
(You can see my preferences in my portfolio 'Adventures in Haiku')
Very close to traditional Haiku/Senryu
just a bit of rearranging.
changing "until they" into "Now all have" makes it more poetic, and the line stands alone.
In Traditional Haiku each line should be able to stand alone, yet one draws all three together.
Nest,
Could "silent" be changed to "mute" (that would give you 5 count,
then move it to right after "trapped" to make it more poetic.)
I see this a Haiku/ Senryu styling, as presenting a human's perspective.
Reorganizing needed in the last stanza to make this very traditional =
all is in your hands
---- that way each line stands alone, yet the last line summarizes the first two.
Haiku (likely Senryu styling, since a wanderer is usually perceived as a human)
I see the first stanza short a syllable so just missed being a traditional haiku.
(I no sooner typed that than I saw "just rambling about" could possibly work.
or 'waif' rambling about. Etc. something to add that one count. )
the moment of enlightenment I see as the sudden darkness to the poem in the last stanza.
Very close to traditional Haiku/Senryu.
You could drop The in first stanza then insert
allusion to a season = autumn, winter, springtime, etc. ?
next drop Has and the count would still be right.
next stanza you could start with An or The
and drop With
move Her to last stanza
and hold instead of holding, will still give you the 5 count.
At that point, the picture appears in the reader's mind. a perfect haiku in traditional form
I read this as Haiku, mastered!
Traditional, in that each sentence can stand alone,
yet one stanza draws them together.
Seasonal allusion met.
"Arrow" may actually convert this into Senryu.
The cut after the first line was very skillful - enlightenment acknowledged.
This is a good introduction to a period in one's life.
I copied and pasted this onto a word document then ran "review" for spelling and grammer.
The punctuation is from me. I read this out loud and put in periods at normal pauses. When the point of view changed (you stopped talking to the reader, and talked to him, and quoted him) I created a natural new paragraph.
I think your writing would benefit from this practice for editing and correcting. See below for how the story would then read.
=
I know you but not as I used to. You changed into a whole new person. You gave me the world, but soon it was destroyed. I always thought you were Mr. Right, but inside of you, something changed. You were not faithful anymore.
When he promised me the world, I thought I was special. My life has been a roller coaster. I lost all trust in him. He stayed away from me and got into his little corner, telling me “Your promise is like holding onto faith. What you say, mean it. Don't let your inside tell you not to say anything. Work it out, get back together, and heal this story of a broken promise.”
Rhythm in words.
A couple of format or mechanical errors.
Here's one for example = Listening to a perpetual conman who has no concern
for anyone but themselves,
which is to separate others
from their hard earned money and self worth.
since the rest of the sentence is plural, shouldn't the first line say= con men who have =
or if you meant singular conman, then the rest of the sentence should be = for himself =
A daughter's remembrance, well done.
Prose/poetry is often hard to create so that it flows. This was done well.
a line struck me=
Father was quite a storyteller, well, I am too. I could listen to his stories
forever, mother said only half of those stories were true, but I did not care.
= there is a whole genre (especially for us Boomers, writing later in life) which is
Creative Non-fiction.
example
In my retelling of "Mentor" a story shared by a High School teacher, I really don't remember the
color of the car he borrowed, or which kid had a car perpetually at the auto shop building
(so I used ruby red, because ruby-red chariot, for me, created an image. And I named the kid 'Jerry' because it worked " = even Jerry, whose junker was perpetually parked in front of Auto Shop= Jerry/junker ... perpetually/parked) this develops the rhythm.
In your first stanza, some pedantic people would bristle at ending a sentence with it'
you might try = .... nature and works for its preservation.
as always = once person's critique is just an opinion, to be pondered before accepting or ignoring.
Very traditional styling of Haiku.
I know how hard that is to compose!
Introduction of the Sand Hill Crane at the end, is both the
nature element, and possibly the seasonal element
(as I think you allude to their migration).
The only correction that I would suggest is to replace
the three dot ellipsis with an M dash
(although it will still show up as two dashes in WdtC)
An ellipsis is usually a sign of incomplete thought, or missing words.
Traditional Haiku would need each line to stand alone,
although a cutting symbol is allowed such as M dash.
I say, intentional or not, the opening is much like Stanley meeting Doctor Livingston!
Good start.
I read on, and I like the dialog between the two cave 'people' (not sure if Stosha is female, but I noticed Hartha, also a two-syllable name is female)
Anyway the dialog does mirror your challenge for changing the mind of someone set in their ways.
You still have a few words left in which to mention the little twig and pine needle teepee needed to catch the sparks to start the fire!
p.s. you may like my "Zuk and Zob fable" in which some fur is destined to become a fashion statement, and the cave people use very modern esoteric vocab at times.
Not really Haiku.
This is more of free verse poetry.
Also, the reader has to mentally pause to sort "greyhound" is it a dog? oh, it's the bus.
This could be enhanced by adding "arriving" such as= That arriving greyhound...
To enhance the poetic feel, I suggest dropping "Because"
Using that word makes this explanatory, when what I think you are aiming for
is immersive, where the reader is encouraged to see life from your viewpoint.
Als drop PS. just stating "I was getting out of being homeless" then becomes
hope, affirmation, goal... whatever the readers' thoughts take them to.
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