A traditionally styled Haiku
nature, season (not alluded to, but named, still ok)
not titled (which to do so would be a Western error in traditional haiku)
My only suggestion would be to drop the period at the end,
and instead, enter a dash (cutting symbol) in front of 'Early'
thus, enhancing the moment of enlightenment.
But still a 5* from my perspective.
(You can see my preferences in my portfolio 'Adventures in Haiku')
Very close to traditional Haiku/Senryu
just a bit of rearranging.
changing "until they" into "Now all have" makes it more poetic, and the line stands alone.
In Traditional Haiku each line should be able to stand alone, yet one draws all three together.
Nest,
Could "silent" be changed to "mute" (that would give you 5 count,
then move it to right after "trapped" to make it more poetic.)
I see this a Haiku/ Senryu styling, as presenting a human's perspective.
Reorganizing needed in the last stanza to make this very traditional =
all is in your hands
---- that way each line stands alone, yet the last line summarizes the first two.
Haiku (likely Senryu styling, since a wanderer is usually perceived as a human)
I see the first stanza short a syllable so just missed being a traditional haiku.
(I no sooner typed that than I saw "just rambling about" could possibly work.
or 'waif' rambling about. Etc. something to add that one count. )
the moment of enlightenment I see as the sudden darkness to the poem in the last stanza.
Very close to traditional Haiku/Senryu.
You could drop The in first stanza then insert
allusion to a season = autumn, winter, springtime, etc. ?
next drop Has and the count would still be right.
next stanza you could start with An or The
and drop With
move Her to last stanza
and hold instead of holding, will still give you the 5 count.
At that point, the picture appears in the reader's mind. a perfect haiku in traditional form
I read this as Haiku, mastered!
Traditional, in that each sentence can stand alone,
yet one stanza draws them together.
Seasonal allusion met.
"Arrow" may actually convert this into Senryu.
The cut after the first line was very skillful - enlightenment acknowledged.
This is a good introduction to a period in one's life.
I copied and pasted this onto a word document then ran "review" for spelling and grammer.
The punctuation is from me. I read this out loud and put in periods at normal pauses. When the point of view changed (you stopped talking to the reader, and talked to him, and quoted him) I created a natural new paragraph.
I think your writing would benefit from this practice for editing and correcting. See below for how the story would then read.
=
I know you but not as I used to. You changed into a whole new person. You gave me the world, but soon it was destroyed. I always thought you were Mr. Right, but inside of you, something changed. You were not faithful anymore.
When he promised me the world, I thought I was special. My life has been a roller coaster. I lost all trust in him. He stayed away from me and got into his little corner, telling me “Your promise is like holding onto faith. What you say, mean it. Don't let your inside tell you not to say anything. Work it out, get back together, and heal this story of a broken promise.”
Rhythm in words.
A couple of format or mechanical errors.
Here's one for example = Listening to a perpetual conman who has no concern
for anyone but themselves,
which is to separate others
from their hard earned money and self worth.
since the rest of the sentence is plural, shouldn't the first line say= con men who have =
or if you meant singular conman, then the rest of the sentence should be = for himself =
A daughter's remembrance, well done.
Prose/poetry is often hard to create so that it flows. This was done well.
a line struck me=
Father was quite a storyteller, well, I am too. I could listen to his stories
forever, mother said only half of those stories were true, but I did not care.
= there is a whole genre (especially for us Boomers, writing later in life) which is
Creative Non-fiction.
example
In my retelling of "Mentor" a story shared by a High School teacher, I really don't remember the
color of the car he borrowed, or which kid had a car perpetually at the auto shop building
(so I used ruby red, because ruby-red chariot, for me, created an image. And I named the kid 'Jerry' because it worked " = even Jerry, whose junker was perpetually parked in front of Auto Shop= Jerry/junker ... perpetually/parked) this develops the rhythm.
In your first stanza, some pedantic people would bristle at ending a sentence with it'
you might try = .... nature and works for its preservation.
as always = once person's critique is just an opinion, to be pondered before accepting or ignoring.
Very traditional styling of Haiku.
I know how hard that is to compose!
Introduction of the Sand Hill Crane at the end, is both the
nature element, and possibly the seasonal element
(as I think you allude to their migration).
The only correction that I would suggest is to replace
the three dot ellipsis with an M dash
(although it will still show up as two dashes in WdtC)
An ellipsis is usually a sign of incomplete thought, or missing words.
Traditional Haiku would need each line to stand alone,
although a cutting symbol is allowed such as M dash.
I say, intentional or not, the opening is much like Stanley meeting Doctor Livingston!
Good start.
I read on, and I like the dialog between the two cave 'people' (not sure if Stosha is female, but I noticed Hartha, also a two-syllable name is female)
Anyway the dialog does mirror your challenge for changing the mind of someone set in their ways.
You still have a few words left in which to mention the little twig and pine needle teepee needed to catch the sparks to start the fire!
p.s. you may like my "Zuk and Zob fable" in which some fur is destined to become a fashion statement, and the cave people use very modern esoteric vocab at times.
Not really Haiku.
This is more of free verse poetry.
Also, the reader has to mentally pause to sort "greyhound" is it a dog? oh, it's the bus.
This could be enhanced by adding "arriving" such as= That arriving greyhound...
To enhance the poetic feel, I suggest dropping "Because"
Using that word makes this explanatory, when what I think you are aiming for
is immersive, where the reader is encouraged to see life from your viewpoint.
Als drop PS. just stating "I was getting out of being homeless" then becomes
hope, affirmation, goal... whatever the readers' thoughts take them to.
I loved the last line!
BUSTED RIGHT THROUGH STEROTYPES.
OK, I copied, pasted to a word page and hit spell-check, grammar check.
results-
-they're- should be capped as it's the first word after the beginning quote mark.
pre-essembled should be- pre-assembled
suggested couple of be changed to- few
(but I think in dialogue lots of people say couple of)
My suggestion to show they DO know what a screwdriver is, sort of,
"So this manual says," Nick responded! "Wait, it has a plus sign on the tip, so it's one of those plussy-type screwdriver. What about a hammer?"
Anyway still a high mark as is (after the spelling corrections."
My late father-in-law was famous (perhaps infamous) for advising "save the instructions, they will tell you later where you went wrong"
This pic reminded me of that!
And you got a belly-laugh from me at "Jack Knives, the representative for Acme"
Well done.
The only suggestion I have is at the end. Instead of "reporting" shouldn't the
reporter interview Wiley for a one line complaint, but stating that he is replacing Acme Mfg with Home Depot as his supplier. Then (maybe Mr. Buzz Saw ?) the rep for Home Depot replies that Corp HQ is having second thoughts.
Seems to be from deep within.
I like this, but there are some formatting changes I suggest.
Paragraphs make it easier for the reader. It also sets aside what can be perceived as ranting, rather than soliloquy.
A person normally pauses as they reflect.
First paragraph I would suggest is after "... I'll have to deal with that."
Next would be after "... all I want is my time back."
You can see where normal paragraph breaks should be.
Writing is sometimes different than speaking, so reading aloud, I noted "path" used twice in the same sentence. I suggest the first be "pathway" as at that point you were finding your way, then later clearing it into a narrowfoot path.
(again a reader may read that as narrow foot, path = so perhaps make footpath one word.)
As written, this gets high marks, and remember
a critique is just another person's opinion, to take or leave at your discretion.
Foxtale
OK. I read through this and followed the dialog right on through, well done!
But than the last line....
what is it Stephen Colbert syas, all choked up?
"Come on, Ma'am, I'm trying to do comedy here!"
Tears welled up my dear!
OK my turn,
check out my "Polka Dots and Sunshine Teardrops"
A quiet, thought-provoking piece.
I do think there are some edits that will improve this piece.
First, spell check. = Rhythms is misspelled several times.
tense. You write Caleb finds. Then you switch to found.
(I think tense should stay "found" as this happened earlier in his quest for solitude.)
Also you wrote fjord, which I think you meant ford. Also how does that make the trail feel adventurous? (close your eyes, do you see these fords? Are they flat rocks staggered across the stream? Roughhewn planks? These details will make us see why the trail is "adventurous")
You wrote "everytime" (should be two words. Or you could change to "whenever" which is one word,
also makes it progressive, in that it implies he often goes.
For more poetic sound, third to last sentence change "a loud world" to "this loud world" so the reader is drawn in realizing Caleb's quest for a quiet place is this same world.
Last paragraph = use of "and" creates a run-on. Perhaps drop and, in favor of a period.
And do the rhythms "collide" or doe the mesh or meld?
Again, remember a critique is just another person's opinion.
As is, other than spelling, this is very good.
Great ending. I'm a sucker for O.Henry style twists.
a lot said in a veryshort piece.
High marks.
Couple of structural changes I'd try.
The hiker... causes us to form an immediate picture ourselves of the hiker.
A hiker... causes us to want you to fill in the details of the hiker.
next in the last line "paintings" is the plural, so it should be "there were no..."
and rather than "but" windows, try "just windows."
Well, that's not cricket! (smile) Excellent, true-life presentation.
Of note, having spent 30 years as a credit manager in the steel wholesale business,
I recommend that people look into their state's "mechanic lien law" (which applies to contractors and subcontractors, - 'mechanic' being Old English language for people who work with their hands)
So, to make sure that A) you get the job done properly, B) you don't get a lien filed by a SUPPLIER who didn't get paid by the General Contractor or any of the Subcontractors.
Many states specify the percentage of the job that a Contractor can request as a down payment (and rarely is it 10 percent!
After a Contracting company has presented the bills they paid for, a wise homeowner will request the Contractor obtain Unconditional Lien Releases from those entities BEFORE the homeowner makes the next progress payment.
The Law is the LAW and if those entities are not paid they can lien your property even though you paid the amount asked for by the Contractor. You WILL lose in court without those Unconditional Lien Releases.
So, the Contractor is your Brother-in-Law? That's ok, remind him, with a smile, that you are just following the law!
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