Haiku Senryu styling
Each line stands alone, that's good.
A dichotomy exists in that, does the second line or the third create enlightenment? That's good.
My only critique is that "To whom do I wait" doesn't seem grammatically correct,
shouldn't this be "For whom... "
I was a child in North Carolina, my pop a US Marine - from california.
But I still remember the Dog-wood trees, buds jut blossoming when there'd be
a midnight chill, and thick, frozen, frost the next morning.
You poem helped recall that image from the early 1950's
Thanks.
Only one bit of mechanics I suggest working on
"to take and grab" just doesn't ring right with the rest of the poem meter.
Maybe drop 'take and' in favor of a two syllable word?
Roughly rudely 9something like that.
This follows the 5-7-5 sound count found in Haiku
there is a possible conversion to Haiku (human foibles)
in that neither really 'rises' nor 'sets' we only see that
from our earthly vantage point.
To fully convert to the traditional style for Haiku/Senryu, a few tweaks are needed:
Try changing 'there' to 'here'
then make this human perception,
(subtly) changing 'just' to 'Both'
That was the very day my brother and I finally became friends
I see this as the perfect line. The Conclusion.
A summary of what so many of us are slow to learn.
Each of us, even as siblings are distinctly different. Sure, there are similarities, but until we understand the differences, I am not sure we could, would become friends.
Well done.
This meets many of the staples of Haiku,
juxtaposition of "melody" against the natural word,
may be converting this into Senryu - do only humans understand "melody"
One suggestion- mold this into a traditional Haiku where each line can stand alone
First line add 'cold' in front of waves, and move "up" to begin second line
('cold' will imply possibly winter - thus a seasonal element)
Second line after 'up and down' = 'on' to keep the seven sounds count.
This will still leave the last line able to convert this to senryu if the reader stops to ponder 'does nature hear a melody, or is it just humans?'
Drew, this is a classic.
I think this would have a home in any anthology, whether fiction or creative non-fiction.
Be careful, don't give it away. I think you should try to get this published.
You'd have to re-title, but I have no suggestion for that! Also, you'd have to reassign the viewing so this won't show up as "published" by being available through a wb search.
you wrote "Think of punctuation as street signs for the reader:"
So taking your advice I stopped!
After reading your article, I printed and hole-punched this
to stick in my writer's reference ring-binder! Thanks.
Very nice rework of the old children's story.
I did note you mised a few quotation marks here and there.
Easily corrected in edit.
And, does one shake their head
or scratch their head when
pondering something they don't know about?
Meter is met. Nature is obvious. Season perhaps alluded to.
Very traditional.
One exception is that the second line doesn't stand alone.
Suggest change this by dropping "into"
then add "follows" as last word of second line,
to create a perfect Haiku
Very traditional Haiku/Senryu style.
Each line stands alone, yet is drawn together
by the final line.
(didn't need punctuation, other than you could
use a dash in front of last line for emphasis)
Also think about changing the title (true Haiku are not titled)
to "Mountain" as with "victory in sight" could make a reader
wonder if the summit will be made - thus conjuring several ways
this Haiku may be pondered.)
p.s. my portfolio has "Adventures in Haiku" a breakout session
that I was assigned to moderate at a writers' seminar.
At first, this was hard to read as it was printed in run-on, not stanzas.
I opied and pasted then separated the lines into stanzas and I like the sentiment expressed.
I see one glitch in the 8 syllabic sentence structure.
this line:
You're destined to soar, to reach, to climb -
I think this could be corrected by placing the m dash
after "reach" and dropping the comma and 'to'
as so:
You're destined to soar, to reach - climb
Very inspiring.
the only change I would suggest is more dramatic wording (show don't tell) for some of the opening lines of each paragraph,
(and only because in our minds readers see a steam train from a different era.)
such as =
She stepped = Stepping aboard, Elanore found...
As the train sped = The train sped...
As she stepped = Stepping down from the train Elanor felt air, warm and...
The last train = This last train...
As the train = With a hiss of steam, and clang of the couplers, the train began to pull away. Eleanor turned ...
Excellent advice, especially with the quote from Jane Austin
Our daughter had two older brothers, and we, her parents,
were perhaps infamous for always counseling "get up, shake it off and keep trying"
One day as a wee little one, she lept, right behind her brothers, from the car after we'd arrived at a park. She took off barefooted heading at a fast run toward the swings.
Then her gait became really odd. Running like peg leg pirate or Gunga Din with his
"dot an' carry one"
she seemed to be skipping on one leg at every other step.
Climbing into the swing she gave one pump-kick and burst into tears.
I rushed up and through her sobs she stammered out,
"a bee stung my foot and I couldn't shake it off!"
oh how humbling!
I removed the stinger with the old credit card swipe. Hugged her and let her swing her cares away to her heart's delight!
Thanking us for being their children--
something I'd never thought of before.
And yet, looking forward, I understand
and need to thank my own, even more. (spellcheck put in a comma)
(In my portfolio see "Drive-in Banshees. I took a chance and wrote the second half as a tribute to my dad for his 75th birthday.
we lost him 2 years later. I am so glad I shared the memory. I was asked to read it as part of his eulogy. Then family members suggested I try to get it published. So I added the frontispiece that ends at "they were heroes all" and it was accepted, published and then reprinted in Nostalgia Magazine.
Prose. Dark.
I should say so!
...it will extend whispey black tendril fingers up over the blankets and across the comforter. To wrap around my head, and slide into my nostrils, and cover my closed lids. Like a cloudy vortex masking my senses from the real night...
creepy, chill inducing.
... it waits for me as dreams no longer do...
As if you've become possessed.
This was an amazing bit of work in so few words.
Other than 'whispey' which is either; wispy or whispery?
I found nothing to critique. Easily a 5 star.
Your Haiku 'Your Beauty' works very well as both a Haiku and as Senryu style
Each line can stand alone, then the middle line draws all three together.
Should one read that line as the subject, then the author was writing about an actual meadow,
thus Haiku. Also often it is the new grass and blossoms of spring that create the beauty, so nature is alluded to - a requirement in traditional haiku.
You could enhance that line by preceding it with a 'cut' by using a dash -
But as written it is still easily a full 5 stars.
Biographical, or perhaps creative non-fiction.
This is well-paced as a recollection.
I see a confusing spot,easily cured by "hungry seagull' or "territorial seagull"
Also could be improved for readers, with paragraphs (at a natural point, where reading aloud, you'd be likely take a breath) such as
... farm after farm. (then begin new paragraph)
... behaved well with them. (then begin new paragraph) etc.
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