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Review by Frank Poppelaars Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I started reading this piece because you claimed to be thirteen, and I was curious to see a thirteen-year-old write. For your age, I think your writing is good. Maybe very good. If you keep working on your writing, your writing could be very promising. When I was younger I wanted to write also, but I hardly ever did, and didn't share my stories with more than a handful of friends or family. Just sitting down and writing, going for it, is a very good thing to do. Seeking advice from other writers to actively improve your writing skill is even more so.

I've only read the first two paragraphs (not counting the first sentence), because the huge blocks of text didn't appeal to me. Other than "then" needing to be changed into "than" in the second paragraph, though, the first paragraphs were largely fine.

I think you should definitely give the blocks of text a more readable structure. In most stories on this website, or in books, you can see how you are supposed to write dialogue, and copy that structure. But on this website people seem to dislike long paragraphs even less. They generally don't start new paragraphs with an indentation but use an extra white space (enter), even in dialogue. You can see what I mean in my story "Falling Apart".

If you make your paragraphs shorter and extract your dialogue from the huge blocks of text, please send me a message, if you will, and I will read the rest of it. If you make your writing more readable, and continue to apply yourself, I can see your work becoming very good.

Keep at it! :)

Cheers,

Frank
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