Now HERE'S a writer after my own heart! The coincidence between Frankenstein and the protagonist is just cheezy enough to make you lessen your expectations. The mounting similarities between Frank and Frankenstein begin to build a suspense, belied by the satirical choice of names.
The final scene makes one forget the doubts just enough to wonder if he himself may end up killing her, then slams the door on serious with the bullet riddled spider.
OK... Some of the imagery felt incongruous..."cloying odor of human waste and dried sweat slept on his tongue". To me the imagery was ...herky jerky... odor of WASTE and SWEAT slept peacefully, like a baby on his tongue... I thought it needed violent verbs to go with the nasty objects. hmm WASTE/SWEAT...subconsciously using the same letters? ; )
How about:
"His nostrils felt raped by the cloying miasma of feces, and dried sweat, spiced with the acrid, amonia stench of urine. Plegm, dried and crusted in his throat, all but gagged him, telling of too long unconscious, drawing ragged breaths through an open mouth."
Just a thought.
Plausible domestic setting with realistic work/personal problems.
Most delivery guys need their jobs, clearly this one doesn't. Might consider sublting him up slightly.
Interesting mystery angles going here, would love to see the tie in. What happened between 4:30 PM Tuesday and 6:30 AM Wednesday? Good basis.
Important features are characters that could develope into relatable, interesting people and an ongoing mystery that the reader WANTS to see solved. I would read it.
At first glimpse I was tempted to steer clear...poetry? hmm...
The first quatrain(?) hooked me though. Here is poetry for the uncultured, non-(archaic)English speaker.
I have a feeling that the farmer still has a bumper crop waiting to be harvested. Just ask any farmer and he will tell you that every crop benefits in the long run from s***. You just have to keep shoveling and eventually the seed will germinate.
Oh wait..it already has.
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