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1
1
Review by Freelanceink Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi ~WhoMe???~ Author Icon

I am reviewing "Seasons Come and Seasons Go" Open in new Window. for "Gang's Monthly Review Board" Open in new Window. Please understand that these are my own opinions, comments and suggestions and you should by no means feel compelled to accept, adopt, or embrace them. Any changes that you make to your work should be due to the careful considerations of yourself, the writer.

The Good

I quite liked this piece, a nice pastoral walk that climaxes with a sudden violent line squall. This particular description stood out for me: Thick ash began to burn my skin as it rushed at me from the sky. Wait. This wasn't ash, it was snow. Snow that was being blown so hard and so fast, it felt like little pellets of heat igniting my skin. Great stuff.

The tall grass stood like soldiers waiting. A very strong image too.

Impressions and Suggestions

This starts off a bit clunky--too many references to what kind of day it is for my liking in the opening paragraph--once should be enough. I rather think that you last sentence should be your first: "It was a great day for taking a hike." This is, after all what the whole shebang is about. "Making her debut for the first time..." is redundant (a tautology): a debut is for the first time, and is not the best opening. You could likely combine the first three or four sentences and sound a lot less repetitive.

Your second paragraph has two finishing metaphors for the same image--choose one either the Crayola line, or the palette, but both is overkill.

I've never heard of the "sting" of the sun before (a sunburn does sting, but not the sun), but cold wind does sting, so I find the image of a "slight breeze [taking] the sting out of the sun" awkward, as it feels somehow backwards.

Peace and serenity were all you could feel when taking in this view. Slipping into the second person here feels unnecessary--the narrator could simply feel this and the reader with her.

It brought a moan that increased to a shriek then a wail. This is interesting. Does the sound increase and then settle? If it continually increases then moan to wail to shriek makes more sense.

I have trouble seeing a "grey sky clouded above me." If it is grey, is it not already clouded? I struggle with your description of the wind (probably it's the sailor in me), the wrong things seem to be given action (I'm stumbling a bit to explain):

...the once slight breeze that had ceased to exist found the courage to muster up a gale of profound proportions. It became a wall of bricks that struck without warning. I was thrown backward with the blow. This wall of fury seemed to engulf me as it moved forward. The sun disappeared.


The breeze becomes a wall and the wall does all the work... sort of ("seemed" really takes the wind out of your sails, as it were, this is a cataclysm, this stuff is happening). How about something like this: "...the vanished breeze returned in force: a gale of profound proportions, it threw me back as though I'd been struck by a wall of bricks. The gale moved forward, engulfing me, swallowing the sun." I'd love to have the sound surround you too as it's another loss of control--you already have motor function and sight disabled, why not hearing?

Somehow the message about winter leaving feels less important than the event, is there a stronger theme, and realization about nature and humanity, that you could use? Your narrator is made to feel so small and fragile in the face of unexpected natural power that... well I suspect that I am coming up against a limitation set upon you by a contest prompt, which brings me to my final thought: the contest no longer exists--it is an invalid item--need you remain faithful to it?

Cheers,

Free

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2
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Review by Freelanceink Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Liam Author Icon

I am reviewing "Memoirs of a Baby Boomer" Open in new Window. as part of The PDG Newbie 2 Newbie Reviews. Please understand that these are my own opinions, comments and suggestions and you should by no means feel compelled to accept, adopt, or embrace them. Any changes that you make to your work should be due to the careful considerations of yourself, the writer.

The Good

You start off strong, taking a cliche topic and turning it on its ear, and providing a very clear thesis statement.

You cover a lot of ground through the body of your essay and make several interesting points about life when you were young, and its benefits.

Suggestions and Impressions

I understand from your log line that this was written for a creative writing class. I am unclear what the exercise was exactly, but I am going to guess that it was not an academic essay and was instead a personal essay. While they are different in terms of allowable content, the two forms are similar in structure: they both require the writer to present a thesis and follow an argument to a conclusion.

Structurally, I think that your essay has some issues:

Your thesis (paraphrased),I was born in the right place at the right time and this is a good thing and your conclusion,"I'm not trying to convince you that these were "the best of times" or even "the good old days." I just hope that for some this prompts fond remembrance, and for others it portrays an interesting glimpse of a gone by era," do not connect. This suggests that somewhere in the body of your essay, you lose track of your thesis.However, after examining the body of the essay, I note that none of your paragraphs ever makes a point that relates directly to your thesis--they appear to be missing their linkage--and the same is true when looking for their relation to the conclusion. There are three unrelated sections to this essay: the introduction, the argument, and the conclusion--and an essay cannot function that way.

I would suggest that you add some more meat to your introduction. Explain what you intend to examine that will support why you believe you were born in the right time, and how you might debunk some of the notions others have regarding being born out of their time. Then include a concluding sentence in each paragraph that points to supporting your thesis, and possibly provides a smooth transition to the next topic of your exploration (as it stands your paragraphs stand alone and have no transitions). Be sure to discuss only topics that relate to your chosen subject and eliminate all others (they will confuse your objective for the reader).

Now that is all about underlying structure, but you should also consider exploiting some of the pleasures of the personal essay. It is by nature, autobiographical and short scenes and personal anecdotes are allowed (and expected). Currently, you speak in very general 'social' terms, but you might find personalizing the piece will strengthen it. Try dropping in a vignette to support or introduce a point you wish to make (for example: if you wish to make a point about adults taking more responsibility for ensuring the well-being of children, start the point with a short scene in which an adult saves you from a bad situation, and move to the issue as it would play out today).

You can work that both ways--from past to present, or from present to past: perhaps you are eating in a mall food court surrounded by many obese shoppers, and recall that in your youth exercise was the norm.

With some work to tie your parts together this could become a very interesting discussion of how a person is a product of their time and what that means.

Cheers,

Free

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3
3
Review by Freelanceink Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+
Hi Carol St.Ann Author Icon

I am reviewing "One Saturday Morning " Open in new Window. for "Gang's Monthly Review Board" Open in new Window. Please understand that these are my own opinions, comments and suggestions and you should by no means feel compelled to accept, adopt, or embrace them. Any changes that you make to your work should be due to the careful considerations of yourself, the writer.

The Good

Your copy is clean and easy to read. you have chosen to examine a moment in history that you were a part of, and that moment is salient today, even after the passing of (I'm sorry to expose you) 50 years.

As with many writings of this type, you do a good job of acquainting us with layers of narrator: there is the you in the moment, and the you reflecting upon the moment from the time of writing (sometimes these narrators can get jumbled and confused, but they do not in this piece).

You have chosen to focus upon a wonderful speech, beautifully written, and full of hope and vision, that I think provides a wonderful platform for narrative thought and reflection.

Things to Think About

Far be it from me to criticize the wonderful writing skills of Kennedy's speechwriters--I'm sure we can all agree they were terrific writers, and Kennedy was great orator. Obviously, no editing is possible for an historical quotation: it is as it was. However, this does not mean that no editing is required. As this is not simply a recording of JFK's speech, but is instead a reminiscence of your participation in the moment when the speech was delivered, dumping the entire text of the speech into your text as a block quote, does neither your text, nor Kennedy's speech, the justice they deserve.

You do a good job of setting the tone and providing the reader a sense of the moment: the halcyon days of Camelot as it were, and the anticipation and wonder of the American psyche of that time. You give us anticipation, and by taking us up that hill, a sense of religiosity too--we are climbing up to the moment and it becomes elevated in importance (a nice device, I must say). Then the reader lands in the text of the speech, which is grandiose in scope and meaning, but is not grounded by the reflections of the narrator, and we lose our way. How is this affecting the narrator of the little girl at the time? What is the narrator of today seeing and thinking of it? Where is this double-person for the space of more than a dozen paragraphs? In essence, we lose the grandiose affect upon the narrator via their absence as the speech is being delivered.

I would suggest, that breaking up the speech with narrative comments that both keep us in the moment of the dedication (the girl's POV), and reflect upon that moment from the now (your current POV), will keep the reader grounded in what you are trying to say, and not have them taken over by what Kennedy was saying. This added reflection, and it's value even 50 years down the road, will add tremendous significance to your thoughts. Without this interplay between the narrator and the moment, the narrator becomes the forgotten emcee, and any point they were trying to make is lost.

I think that you could do more with the developing relationship with Miss Dwyer. She becomes a life-long friend, so you might want to consider building in a secondary narrative thread that follows that early development (this should work, as this development is interconnected with the Kennedy moment, and later his assassination). The speech could then bridge the gap between the initial meeting of your with Miss Dwyer at the dedication, and your later sharing grief after the assassination. The gift of the photograph could be played against Kennedy's gift of vision in his speech--there are many opportunities to explore with just this one addition of narrative focus.

I see a wonderful opportunity for you here--just do not lose yourself in your autobiography and it will be all the stronger.

Cheers,

Free

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Review of Boldness wins  Open in new Window.
Review by Freelanceink Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi Bonnie,

Since you've already told me that this was written in a hurry to meet a deadline, and still needs an edit, I'll keep my comments general. Although I think I'll comment upon some of the pitfalls of a rush job (for the greater good). Speed kills. Hurried writing causes more than grammar and spelling mistakes--it tends to rush the plot too, so that a story feels pushed along, instead of developing naturally. In the end a good plot will feel clunky and forced. My advice: if you have a tough deadline either write something shorter but solid, or get it in late (yes, I know that this is not always an option, but if a writer thinks in these terms they will strive to negotiate realistic deadlines, or learn when they need to beg for extensions...). Mini rant complete.

Early in this piece I noticed a couple of POV shifts between Olivia and Janine, and there really is no need. This is Olivia's story and we should stick with her--Janine's unspoken observations look like an effort to sneak in some backstory about Olivia, but this should really be revealed by Olivia. Olivia's doing the thinking and the changing--she's the one gearing up to carry out a monumental decision, so let's see her process, not hear about Janine's observations regarding behavioral changes.

We are told enough to know that Olivia is steeling herself to end a relationship, and that she has unsatisfied wants and needs--but they are revealed far too late--we need to know what they are. If promises were made and then broken--what promises, and how? Show us some memories, get into the muck of the feelings she is working through. This technique will introduce the reader to her husband, and add some dimension to his character (or lack of it), by giving their relationship a history. A lot can be done with a series of sharp moments--mere hints at scenes--like a film montage, but that series of life clips will add significant depth to your characters.

This story needs to be heavily focused on the marriage and its issues--not so much on Olivia's working relationship with Janine. If Olivia is so overwhelmed with her concerns about her marriage, she should be too concerned to notice her harsh words to Janine. The fight with Janine feels like a device that allows for a "take that" moment when Olivia offers her Paris. It feels trite, and overly constructed. It would feel more real for Olivia to be distracted to the point of general ambivalence to Janine, and after the shock of realization, to take herself off to Paris alone to regroup (lovely irony there to have her recover from the end of her relationship in the city of love--alone).

The big scene rushes through its emotional tropes way to fast: all of Olivia's doubts and worries are washed away at the mere sight of Tim. This leaves Tim with nothing to do--he doesn't have to win her over. The stakes are too low, and the result is the twist (or the revelation) is weakened. Olivia, I think has way too much to say--especially to The Girl, and what she says makes Tim's outburst as she leaves redundant.

Olivia should bring her concerns home with her (or else why have them?). They should provide an obstacle for Tim. This will create tension (and in the end make Tim even less sympathetic). Olivia needs to have doubts and they should play a part--after all, she's been planning to call it quits--that kind of thing cannot be attributed to a bad burrito at lunch, and it certainly should not evaporate at the first hint of a husband in the area. If there is a good build up that climaxes to Olivia agreeing to go to Paris then the twist will be a crushing blow that will allow her to show her real strength.

Once The Girl is on the scene, there is little that Olivia needs to say--she can see the truth and there is nothing that Tim's charm can do to fix that--but he should try. This is when he should be making his pleas, and declaring The Girl not important. His words will be hollow, ineffective, and condemn him to The Girl. Olivia does not need to talk: she can act. Just take the tickets and go.

In the end I like the idea, it just needs tempo and focus...and clarity. You have the nuts and bolts they just need to be tightened a bit.

Cheers,

Free
5
5
Review of Poisoned Words  Open in new Window.
Review by Freelanceink Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Captain Carousel,

There are times that I wish we could make two ratings--one for the worth of the concept, and a second for execution. This is one of those times. I would gladly give you a five for the former--the celebrity industry disgusts me, and I whole-heartedly agree with your sentiment. However, your passion and anger have quite run away with you, and your execution suffers for it.

There seems to be little in the content, that considers the insidious, nasty, hurtful nature of gossip: I'd like to see that personified. A nod to the unrequired truth might be good too, and certainly a more blunt expression of the irony and hypocrisy of people getting rich from (and even becoming celebrities themselves) vilifying the rich. The worship of gods they choose to eat.

The Celebrity Industry is a three-headed dog: there are the celebrities that feed the gossip with their behavior to the point of pretending that they can manipulate the media to further their fame, the media that report the gossip and raise fame to a level that equals virtue, and the audience that spends vast sums of money to get the gossip and both worship and tear down their famous objects. It seems to me that this poem touches upon only the middle head and leaves the other two relatively unscathed. Hercules, my brave friend, you must slay the whole beast!

As for the technical aspects of the poem: you maintain the meter well and your stanzas are of consistent length, but each stanza should really be focused around a point (this poem is, after all, an argument), and they do not appear to be. This means that the form you have chosen is more or less arbitrary and i believe that in terms of structure it should be integral to the meaning of the poem: each stanza should examine an aspect of your argument--perhaps one for the fame seeking celebrities, one for the media, one for the audience, and one a call to reason, truth, and salvation from hypocrisy--but that is really up to you.

I have tried to keep this in the general realm because I think a new approach is required (and I want to see you try it)--and parsing the lines or images as I suggest a significant rewrite seems pointless. I will, however, make one suggestion: be careful where you place the blame. Blame not the typewriter: "Such keys have sung away before, / Though yours don't sing but spit and cough;" or the hands: "Poisoned words spat vile in print, / From dirty hands that bashed away, / And put to page whatever hints... / Unstrangling hands but twisted still, / Judging but not taking lives," but the mind behind the words. To blame the hands or typewriter, relieves the writer from the burden of responsibility via dissociation. Better, to have the typewriter or hands ache in protest to the injustice of what they are forced to make real by their despotic master--to have them blame the writer as you do; to make them innocent victims.

Good luck with this--it's time someone made art of this ugly industry (for that reason alone, I love that you chose to approach this with an elegant poetic form, not an essay). Now go get 'em!

Cheers,

Free
6
6
Review of Home Sweet Home  Open in new Window.
Review by Freelanceink Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Solid writing. Excellent job weaving through the character's transformation as he journeys home. The internal battle reflected by the physical war in his body is well done. Nice piece of action at the end and a very cinematic image to close. I don't read a lot of horror any more: too often "horror" is equal to "slasher movie" in today's writers. I was happy to be kept in suspense, reading a story that drew me into a horrible struggle in a person's life without resorting to ultra violence.

I have little of use to suggestother than the following couple of tidbits:

First, in Parapgraph five: "His eyes were hollow and flagrant with fatigue." Great alliteration aside, flagrant with fatigue does not work: flagrant is misused. Flagrant is about offense. Can his eyes really be offended by fatigue? You may want to search for another word and/or image here.

Second, Paragraph nine:

Home, he thought. Home Sweet Home.

and Paragraph eleven:

Dad’ll know what to do, he thought.

While adding the "he thought" in the first to indicate that the italics are the character's thoughts is helpful (since it is the first time this device is used in the story), once this is done, you have established for the reader that italics equal character thoughts, and thus the second "he thought" is unnecessary.
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Review of A journey  Open in new Window.
Review by Freelanceink Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Qilin, I rate this piece low because it disappoints me. I know that sounds harsh, and given the general four-star rating you've received, surprising, but if you will read on, I shall explain, and hopefully, you will see the silver lining.

You have managed to identify a story that may be worth the telling, that covers important themes--a surprising number of themes: isolation, social casts, parental indifference, sex and exploitation, incest (?), abuse, suicide, and abortion are all eluded to in a piece that is a mere sixty-five lines long (and many of those lines are only one word). My guess would be less than five hundred words total. It might be possible to adequately explore one of these issues in five hundred words, but all eight is impossible. This means that you will need to make a choice: either focus your theme to one issue, or expand the length and scope of your piece.

This reads in a very list-y way (yes I know that list-y is not a real word): you provide a list of reasons for taking the stairs (pure exposition and clunky--find ways to show why, just telling the reader is boring), the ascent of the stairs provides a list of horrors spliced with the numbers of the steps (this could be a nice device but following the first list is tiring for the reader--in other words: lists should be used sparingly and, if possible, be better disguised), and finally you provide a list of exceptions to the list of horrors (this final list leaves me feeling like I've read a character backstory in the form of a ledger). This list of lists leads directly into an abrupt, though positive, ending.

There is simply too much expressed in too little (lists are an efficient way to make this happen, but this is not a good thing). However, that said, you do have a lot of good information here to use to write a good piece of fiction. These listed images and hinted at horrors, the glimmers of happy moments, the life-long shallow interactions with staff: these are the building blocks for a real story. You will need to make many choices about what you want to show and what theme you really want to focus upon, but there are many scenes here that would be fascinating to read, if only you would show them to us.

Choose some scenes and plot a story through them, let the scenes and the character's actions show us what she is going through, and how the outside perception of her is wrong. Fiction is not about telling: it is about revealing--about allowing the audience to realize, to figure out. You have the basis of a good piece of fiction--the groundwork, if you will--now you must begin to write it.
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